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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

OCD-fears of dying,devil/god

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Old 09-24-2012, 10:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
Jamiiilay HB User
Unhappy OCD-fears of dying,devil/god

This is my first time posting. I've read other threads and it's brought some comfort, but I haven't read anything yet that relates to some of my phobias.
First of all, I've never been diagnosed with OCD- but I've read enough on it and experienced enough that I know I have it. I finally went against whatever was holding me back from therapy, and reached out to a therapist yesterday. I'm 19, almost 20 and I just has my first child 3.5 months ago. She brightens my world, and I really have been very happy. My issues have been on and off, lingering since I was 14. I used to be so full of life, and take risks and I absolutely loved horror movies, scary stories, anything to get a chill. That's what caused my ocd, and I really regret the years I spent watching/reading horror.

I was pretty okay when my daughter was first born, I had a lot on my plate.

I'm not OCD in the sense that everything has a place and it must be in it's place- or being overly clean and perfect. Not a germophobe. But I so have severe and complete anxiety to where, if I start something, I absolutely have to finish it. And I don't think the world will end or anything if I don't, it's not like that but just I feel like if I don't finish it, I'll have a nervous break down. For example, right now I'm fighting to keep my daughter calm so I can finish this.

My fiance and I are actually doing good despite it all. It doesn't really come between us, and I don't talk about it often, only when it's really bad and unbearable. His mom is schizophrenic so he understands what im going through, and he's really supportive. But I feel bad a lot talking about it , because I don't know if he really understands the differences between his mom and me, and I don't want him to think I'm schizophrenic, because I'm not.

I am hard to live with though, and I appreciate him immensely for everything he does for me. I am getting teared up just thinking about it. I don't work, I stay home full time with my baby. I feel like I'm supposed to have everything perfect FOR HIM, not for me , and only because I stay home while he works. But theres just never enough time to finish every single task every day because I have to choose to put all of my energies into her, or wait until she's asleep to work. Because if I start something and she interrupts it, I literally get furious, and it's not toward her, but because of her. Well, because of my anxiety, and she's just the stressor.

And then sometimes we argue about why I can't seem to ever get stuff done. It's not intentional, it's not because im being lazy. It's because I'll literally have a nervous breakdown or scream and go into a rage if I can't finish what I've started. I learned a lot of this from my dad, he was very impatient and ready to rage. I had to live with him most of my growing up, which is the cause for soo many other issues...but that's another story. I just wonder if theres anyone else out there who deals with things similar to my everyday. I don't really know how I feel about taking medication. I'm not that healthy as it is. and I don't want to become stoic and unemotional every day of my life.

Last edited by Administrator; 09-24-2012 at 09:53 PM. Reason: removed inappropriate details

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Charmbracelet81 (09-27-2012)
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