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What is my problem?

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Old 01-09-2013, 07:47 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 4
l1981 HB User
What is my problem?

Hi, everyone. I needed to get some insight on my situation. This may be long and I do appreciate you reading. I have a lot bottled up.

I'm in college. I've had mental health problems for what I suspect to be for a while, but they've only gotten progressively worse for the past 5 years or so. I do believe that the stress of college/having more responsibility has something (or a lot) to do with this. I've never gotten professional help, mostly because I am still on my mother's insurance plan, and psychiatrists require permission from the insurance holder to get treatment. Unfortunately, my mother does not want to cooperate on this point. I do know there is something wrong with me. I just can't pin down exactly what.

I thought I was pregnant for about 6 months (on several occasions), despite multiple blood tests and doctors telling me otherwise. I did the same ruminating, checking symptoms on the internet, and etc.

I am in a relationship with an amazing, loving man. He is supportive, accommodating, and tries to help me through all of my problems. I couldn't ask for anyone better and, on good days, I do consider him to be the person I want to be with permanently. However, good days are rare and usually I have horrible anxiety about my relationship. My mind says things like, "You don't love him," and "break up with him." I worry that I'm in denial and can't accept that I need to end the relationship. Reading things about people breaking up is a major trigger for me, as is reading about people defining what a "good" relationship is. Sometimes I think of myself with other people to see how I will react, and that utterly disgusts me. Deep inside, I have feelings of adoration for him. It's almost like all my emotions are caged inside this anxiety I have. It's all I can feel most of the time. It's particularly scary when I feel like I don't even know the person I love, because my anxiety is so horrible. I'm emotionally numb otherwise.

I have a very hard time being in public. I'm okay walking down streets and being in open air, but I struggle with inclosed areas, like classrooms, malls, and movie theaters. My boyfriend and I went to the movies last week and I had a full blown panic attack. I would say that I am very paranoid. I often look behind me, in closets, in my car trunk, and etc. I think about escape routes, survival plans, and the like. I know all this is not normal.

All these issues have resulted in me feeling utterly depressed. I don't feel real most of the time. I was driving in my car earlier and considered crashing it just to see what would happen because I felt so unreal. I don't have interest in anything. I was once a somewhat promising poet and won many awards, and now I can't come up with anything. I was once very career/goal oriented, and now I have put all plans to go to graduate school off. There is nothing inside me anymore. I've always had the tendency to pull my eyebrows out/pick at my skin, but recently I've begun eating my hair follicles, my scabs, and whatever I can pick off my face. I am so embarrassed to even admit this.

I know this was rather long and perhaps hard to follow, but I needed to get this out. Does anyone have any comments in general about my situation? What can I do for myself? I really cannot deal with this anymore. I feel like my life is a waste.

Thank you so much for reading and thank you in advance for any comments.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-09-2013 at 10:13 PM.

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Old 01-15-2013, 04:42 PM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 153
dksea HB Userdksea HB Userdksea HB User
Re: What is my problem?

What you are describing sounds very much like OCD (with some other anxiety thrown in). I've had OCD since I was 12 and started having occasional panic attacks in about the last 10 years. Boy are THOSE not fun huh?

I'm sorry to hear you don't feel like you can get support from your mother, maybe if you shared with her some books or information on OCD she might be more open to the idea, I dunno. One thing you might do is check with your college to see if they have counseling services you can take advantage of that don't require insurance. I know many in the U.S. offer that through their student health centers, I'm not sure how analogous the situation would be in Canada.

In the meantime I would recommend doing some reading and CBT study work on your own. There are a number of good books out there that address the underlying causes of OCD (both the brain malfunction and how we mentally respond). Knowing better how the disease worked has been a big help for me in my recovery. In addition there are practical guides that will teach you CBT techniques you can work on on your own. Obviously the ideal is to have medical professionals helping you along the way, but they can still help even without that. It sounds like your boyfriend can be a good resource in helping support you in your recovery so he can work through the books with you.

One other option to consider is to look for OCD support groups in your area. Sometimes meeting with and talking to people who share your problems helps. Not only do you feel less alone but they can offer tips and advice on things that have helped them overcome their struggles too.

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