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  • Anxiety/OCD Advice - Help??

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    Old 05-10-2013, 04:47 AM   #1
    ANE1234's Avatar
    Join Date: May 2013
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    ANE1234 HB User
    Anxiety/OCD Advice - Help??

    Hi, i'm very new here. I just needed to talk about my issues with anxiety and ocd and this is something i've been battling with for quite sometime now. And i'm afraid of it's consequences.

    I'm 19 years old but i've had OCD since i was much younger, it was quite severe but now it's not as bad, i can control my obsessions and confine them to just 10 minutes a day.

    It is not my OCD however which is my most pressing issue at the minute. I've found recently, over the last 3 months my anxiety has increased very much and it's starting to effect my life. I suppose the only way i can do this is just to explain my whole story.

    I have a boyfriend whom i've been with for a year and a half, and i care and love him very much, he is truly a wonderful and kind person - (although not without faults) - and i think how much i do love him is a big factor in my anxiety, mostly about losing him.

    The first thing that kicked off my anxiety, was when i had a dream about another guy, this guy is my friend, and i'm using the term friend very loosely. We were doing the same course and i was polite to him, i honestly dont know why i dreamt about him. Dreams are just dreams, you cant control them. God knows i wish it was that easy for me. Yet, instead of just shrugging it off and going "Dreams are just dreams, this doesnt mean anything" - i actually thought about the dream and thought about it, and thought about it so much until it made me want to scream.

    I had managed to create this problem, and i had managed to spiral it out of control so much that i was convinced that i loved this guy and i didnt want to be with my boyfriend anymore. Which i knew deep down, wasn't even slightly true. I barely speak to this guy, and i know that if i left my boyfriend i would be miserable.

    These thoughts truly made me feel miserable, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. I didnt want to do anything but sit and play it over in my mind, and stew in my own guilt. Although in reality i had done nothing wrong.

    This continued for a good month or so, then i found that i began to think about it less and less, and it worried me less and less. And i was so happy i thought this nightmare in my mind was finally over. But it wasn't - and as bizzarre as it sounds, it was like my mind was seperate from me. Like someone else was controlling it, but then i latched onto something else to worry about. This one was even worse.

    I began reptitively thinking about how i hated my boyfriend and i wanted to leave him and i was going to break his heart, and i would be alone. I would repeatedly imagine breaking up with him, but then in this imagination i would feel sick because i was so unhappy and sad that i was without him. And this feeling of unhappyness and sadness i just kept playing over as if i had actually done it, when we were still together and i still love him.

    I began thinking, "You are a terrible person, your boyfriend is good and kind to you, and you are going to break his heart, you are going to hurt him. You will be so miserable without him" - and its like i couldnt even control it. I had no control over myself and what i thought. And i would just cry because i felt like in the end - i would just give in to this anxiety and eventually break up with him. And then i would just sit in my own unhappyness.

    This, like the past anxiety, did eventually (although not totally) pass. It's only looking back does it feel like it wasn't real. At the time i felt like everything i thought was so, so real.

    I try to say to myself, like i'm talking to a horrible evil side of me, i try saying "You know this is your anxiety talking, you know you dont feel this way in your gut, you know this" - and for a split second i feel this relief. And then i'll get this evil thought saying "its true its true, everything you think is true"

    If i let these horrible thoughts overwhelm me, i feel sick and like i want to cry and scream. I feel like i have no control, and if i dont think about it, then i feel strange and guilty for being happy. I havent had a day where i have been relaxed and happy the whole time. And it's exhausting.

    Now i've got this new thing i've latched onto, and i'm so tired. I just need help and advice. I'm currently on a waiting list for CBT but it could take months and i'm really suffering on the inside. I recently had a random, thoughtless dream about kissing a girl. I realise again, dreams are just dreams and i should be able to go "Oh that's strange" and laugh and shrug it off. But i've latched onto it good. My new thoughts are "Maybe you are a lesbian" "you don't love your boyfriend you love women". Most of those things are like that.

    Never in my life have i ever thought about women in that way, i'm straight. I've never even questioned it, and even now i know deep down that i dont want to be with women. But its just my mind, and its making me feel sick and i just want to be normal again. I just want to be relaxed, and happy and just have a normal mind.

    As it stands i cant imagine letting these anxious thoughts, whatever they are, go. It makes me so sad that i've accepted that for the rest of my life, there is always going to be something that i have to worry about. I really dont want this, i want to be able to date my boyfriend for however long i want. And maybe it will last years or maybe we'll break up but i want that to be MY choice, and enjoy what i've got. But at the minute i dont feel like this is my choice, and i know it doesnt make sense but. I dont know

    This is a really long story and if you've read it all the way through, thankyou so much. I need some support because i'm avoiding work, i'm avoiding doing anything that might make me feel happy because i feel like i dont deserve it.


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    Old 06-07-2013, 01:27 AM   #2
    exhaustedmom78's Avatar
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    Re: Anxiety/OCD Advice - Help??

    I am new here as well but your story sounds like me so I thought I would reply. I have had and still have the things with the dreams as well. I dealt with it many years before being prescribed xanax .25 as needed (amazing results for me and its a minimum dose) took for a yr or 2 with great success I began to live again. I STARTED actually showing my face. I finally seen my therapists as scheduled and made a complete turn around. Decided to move closer to my family in return I was dropped frm my meds by local Dr bc I denied colonoscopy.

    been trying to get bk on track so I feel your frustration, hurt, weirdness and every other emotion under the Sun . My best advice to you is to find a therapist. I am 34 & anxiety nor guilt go away by themselves.

    I send you many prayers and pray for your peace of mind

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