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  • Anxiety/OCD/Magical Thinking/Other unknown problems. Please help identify.

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    Old 06-28-2013, 06:51 PM   #1
    StephanieMarie1's Avatar
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    StephanieMarie1 HB User
    Anxiety/OCD/Magical Thinking/Other unknown problems. Please help identify.

    Im not sure if this is a mental, psychical, or maybe a psychic/supernatural problem. I don't even know what it is, which is why Im posting on here. Maybe someone can identify it. Ive tried many times to get professional help, but each time it somehow fell through for different reasons. I have no health insurance now, so there's not much I can do as far as getting help right now.
    What Im about to attempt to tell you is going to be very hard to explain, and even harder for you to understand, Im guessing. Unless you're going through the same thing as me.
    First thing. My OCD. This isn't that hard to explain. Ive had it for the longest time, might have started when I was 14. But I can't remember when I realized I actually had it. My OCD is mainly Magical Thinking, I think. That's what I was told in another forum. I do have some rituals, but most of them go on in my head. For example, I would have to say certain things in my head, but also would have to actually imagine it happening, or "feel" the though. For example, if I was worried about getting fired. I would have to say in my head that I won't get fired, but I also have to picture me not getting fired. Then I have to say "Alright" in my head to confirm it and "lock it in" so no other bad thoughts can ruin what I just "accomplished". Another thing, I constantly find myself saying "no I take that back" in my head, whenever a bad thought comes along. My OCD used to be simple, but now Im at the point where alot of the time, when Im trying to block out thoughts, Id actually squint my left eye to block it out, or grit my teeth. I used to picture a red X over the bad thought, but that doesn't really help. Sometimes the thoughts get so torturing, I break into tears. And I heard that if you think about something too much, it can actually happen, which makes it harder for me, because it's hard to stop thinking certain thoughts. Also, if I just stop thinking a certain thought, Im afraid it's gonna think that since Im ignoring it, Im allowing it to be there. Psychical rituals would be:
    Picking the "right" cigarette. For example if I want a certain outcome to a situation, I have to pick a cigarette that looks like the outcome I want. Not literally, but the feel or sense of that cigarette. Then sometimes I have to picture myself smoking that cigarette, and then picture the future with the outcome I want, and picture myself looking back on that time when I picked that cigarette and think "wow I was right" or "it worked". I'll do that with one cigarette that might be a "potential", and then with another cigarette I was planning on picking. Whichever one looks more like I would get the outcome I want is the one I pick. Confusing, I know. Or maybe you understand.
    Putting my left shoe on first. I also have to think certain things as Im putting that shoe on, and by putting the shoe completely on confirms the good thoughts I had while I was putting it on. If I think a bad thought when Im putting it on, I have to start over.
    Picking certain routes. Same thing with the cigarette. Im walking, and there's two ways I can go to get to where I want to go. I think about the situation Im worrying about, and each road has a different outcome. For example, recently I was worrying about becoming something I don't want to be. So one road was a residential area, the other was on a main street. The residential road had the outcome of me becoming what I was worried about becoming, an insensitive person who thinks it's funny when people get hurt, and the main road represented being around people and socializing and good things. So I picked the main road. It actually took me a while to give each road it's meaning.
    Also, when I drink sometimes, not alcohol, but anything, I have to think certain thoughts in my head while Im drinking it, and then swallowing it confirms the thoughts. If I think a really bad thought while Im doing it, I spit it out.
    There's more OCD rituals I have, but those pretty much explain the gist of it.

    Now the other thing that has been bothering me. This is very important to me so I hope someone helps me with this rather than the OCD thing. Unless what Im about to say is part of OCD. This is the one that's hard to explain.

    So for a few months, I feel like Im in a daze almost all the time. I think Im going crazy. Now I don't mean in a daze as in that "here but not here" feeling. It's way more weird than that. Basically, I don't feel "sober". I don't do drugs or drink, and when I say I don't feel "sober" I don't mean that I feel high either. I just don't feel connected with things around me I guess.
    Another thing, this is the big one. The one that I hate the most. When I think about myself, when I REALLY think too deeply into the thought of my own existence and the fact that IM the one who's controlling everything I do, it freaks me out for some reason. Not because I want someone else to control me, but I guess it freaks me out because I can't comprehend that fact. Like, the thought of my own existence, it's like, Am I really here? Am I really me? Maybe I literally forgot who I am. Sometimes when I talk, and I really listen to my own voice as it's coming out of my mouth, like REALLY over analyze it, it's very weird. It's like words are just coming out of my mouth. Also, when I look in the mirror, it's like my body and reflection are separated. Like it's easy to trick your brain into certain things, and it seems like for me it's gotten easier. I was looking at myself in the mirror today, and I managed to see my reflection as literally another person looking at me, rather than an inanimate object.
    Two other things that have been happening lately.
    - Having short term memory problems
    - Not being able to spell as well as I used to. I know there's no spelling mistakes in this, but that's because I use spell checker. My spelling isn't horribly bad, but Ive forgotten how to spell certain words, or I'll write a word I didn't even mean to say. For example, just now. When I typed "there's NO spelling", I accidentally typed "there's NOT spelling". It's not just with that word, but with other words too.

    I think that's everything I can think of right now, or I probably forgot most of it, but if there's anyone who can tell me what this might be, I would appreciate it.
    Dementia? Altimeters, schizophrenia, stress, anxiety? Or maybe a physical problem?

    Like I said, I can't go to the doctors right now, but if someone could at least give me an idea of what it might be, I appreciate it.

    Im a 23 year old female, I smoke cigarettes, and I have been sexually abused when I was younger. About maybe 9 or 10 years old. That could also be a reason for all this, but I still don't know what "condition" I have besides OCD.

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    Old 07-18-2013, 01:28 PM   #2
    Caryb's Avatar
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    Re: Anxiety/OCD/Magical Thinking/Other unknown problems. Please help identify.

    have you been actually diagnosed by a medical professional with OCD? I mean, a lot of people think they have OCD.

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    abuse, anxiety, ocd, stress, unknown condition

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