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vicente07 07-14-2013 09:31 PM

OCD out of control

I am a 28 year old and I am here because my OCD is getting worse and worse and I am desperate.

Everything started when I was a kid and I cleansed myself with my saliva every time my mom lifted her feet because I felt her shoes contaminated me.

My OCD got worse in high school when I was 16 years old since I started developing new fears and thoughts. The first one was that I started being afraid of gaining weight and I thought, well, how do you gain weight? By eating, and I started felling an obsessive thought that made me feel hungry all the day. I felt a constant itch in my mouth that made me feel extremely anxious and hungry. This thought lasted for several weeks and then I developed new ones following the same fear pattern. I was afraid of losing my friends, so I started feeling I couldn’t talk and I lost my ability to have a conversation. It was like I had no conversation topics and I couldn’t even talk with my closest friends. Then I started feeling I couldn’t play soccer, that I didn’t love my family, that I liked tacky music, that I was in love with girls that I was in love with un-reality, etc.

The thought continued affecting me, being the one that made me feel hungry and the one that prevented me from talking comfortably the most serious and common.

I started going to college and things changed. My group of friends changed and some of my friends started inviting new friends they had made in college to go to parties with us and this started making me feel uncomfortable. Besides, theobsessive thought that didn’t let me have conversation got worse and sometimes it usually got into my head during parties or when I had an important social event. My friends started noticing I was more quiet and let me know it. Sometimes they made annoying comments like “Shut up” as an ironic way of saying I hadn’t talked at all.

This pressure went out of control and when I was 19 I got extremely sad and stressed, which made me made the decision to stop going to college and to parties.

During the following 2 years I avoided almost any social interaction. My friends went to my house once in a while, but that was it. I didn’t want to go to school, parties, etc. Then, in 2006 I took up my English classes again and started going to college again, but only on Saturdays, since I switched to the Saturday courses to avoid having contact with my friends. I continued going to English classes and I could feel good for long periods, although always with a terrible lack of self-confidence and avoiding social interaction. In 2006 and 2007 and made attempts to started studying in 2 different universities, but I just couldn’t do. I had to stop going after a few days because I felt I couldn’t talk with my class mates and my obsessive thought of feeling I could have conversations and my lack of confidence won. Besides, I had lost many social skills that made these experiences very difficult.

Time went by and now I am 28 years old I can’t have a normal life yet. My obsessive thoughts are getting worse and I have lost the ability to fight against them since they invade me very easily and last longer, much longer. I think the fact that my parents have a terrible relationship has affected me a lot since I still live with them.

My parents have fought since my brother and I were kids. My dad was rude and still is rude to my mom and has cheated on her several times according to my mom. He has hit her several times, he likes to threaten us to leave the house (he has done it since I was a kid), and he feels he is always right. My mom on the other hand is a hysterical, immature, superficial and nervous person. According to my dad, she started cheating on her like 5 years ago and this has made their relationship very difficult. They have definitely contributed to make my obsessive thoughts bigger. In spite of this I have managed to have a good relationship with them in many periods of my life.
My life also changed when my brother brought a little dog to our house that belonged to his ex -girlfriend 3 years ago. My brother took care of him at the beginning but then I started getting more involved with this dog and now he has become my responsibility since I am the one that feeds him, walks him and takes him to get a bath. My relationship with him has become a little bit sick and obsessive since I adjust my life to this dog’s needs. I don’t want do things at his walk time because I don’t want to see him sad. On top of that, he is a very sensitive and traumatized dog because he wasn’t treated very well in his old home. This makes me feel more attached and he is the reason why I haven’t been able to study several things or get a job since I don’t want to change his routine. I study languages a few months ago in the morning and I felt bad because of this since I had to leave him alone in the house.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my dog is sick and I haven’t been able to change this. To make things worse, my dog is very attached to my dad, he follows him everywhere and waits for him to get come every day. This has given my dad power and affected me a lot since I have had to convince my dad several times to not leave the house to avoid seeing my dog sad. My dad has left the house for several days and my dog has felt very sad. He stayed almost the whole day waiting for him to get home, which made me feel very anxious, sad and desperate. My mind just can’t control these situations and problems that for other people are normal for me are gigantic.

The problem is that now I feel extremely alone and as I said, my obsessive thoughts are terrible. Everything started a year ago approximately when my dad told me one day while we were walking our dog that he wanted to leave the house and that my dog wasn’t going to stop him. I started feeling very sad and a gray cloud over my head. A few days later I had a problem on the street with a driver. I was about to cross a Boulevard when this stupid man started horning. I got angry because it was impossible for me to cross the Boulevard since many cars were coming. I turned around I started telling him what he wanted and looking upset. We finally crossed the boulevard and I looked at him again through the rear-view mirror because I was very angry since I hate people that do this. He put his finger on his forehead and told me I had to think faster and snapped his fingers. This got me angry but also made me freeze because I didn’t know what to do. I thought about getting out of the car, but then I remembered what many people have told me about getting involved in fights and that you don’t know if the other person is going to have a gun, a knife, etc. Many thoughts crossed my mind I decided to just to stare at this guy looking angry through the rear-view mirror. The guy decided to reduce his speed to let me go and this is how everything finished. The problem is that my brain started bothering me and I started feeling like a coward and upset because the signs this man made really got to me. My reaction was to start feeling hungry and the problem is that I haven’t been able to get rid of this thought. This happened in August 3 2012 and now almost a year later I still feel hungry the whole day. The intensity changes, but I just can’t fight it and all these months I have been miserable. The obsession is big and I have tried to find this man several times to get back at him.

My life is terrible, I feel alone, I haven’t been able to study a Master’s degree because my parents don’t lend me money and I can’t leave my dog and I don’t have a job. I get more hungry when I leave my house and go to schools or offices.

The only things that make me happy are soccer and look back in the past. I have developed a very big fascination for the 90’s, Music, movies, sitcoms and everything that reminds me these years. I like to drive past my old English school or I just park the car and stare at it. I love feeling nostalgic.
The problem is that in the last 2 months I got this obsessive thought that make me believe I don’t care about the past anymore. I feel I can’t get nostalgic and I can’t watch programs from the 90s or listen to 90s music because I get anxious, angry and stressed. I feel something in my stomach that doesn’t let me enjoy them and feel nostalgic. My mind plays tricks on me and tells me that if I could travel to the 90s, they would become the present and I wouldn’t like that. I had already thought about this, but it never bothered me and I still could get nostalgic.

Everything started on May 22 when I discovered my mom had thrown away a can opener that my dead grandma had given to us many years ago that I had rescued from the garbage since she and my dad had put it there a few months before. I got crazy because I had put this can opener in a black bag in my closet and in spite of this my mom took it and put it in the garbage. I insulted her and spent a terrible night.
The following day this thought of feeling I didn’t like the past anymore and that I wasn’t capable of feeling nostalgic got into my mind. It was May 23. Everything started at 4P.M when I was washing my teeth. My dad told me that I should follow my mom to see that she had an affair and that he was right. My dad had gone to a department store to buy a few things and she wasn’t home. I decided to go to this store to see if she was there. She wasn’t there and I decided to get back home. I just can’t help doing this types of things because I don’t want to see my dog suffering because of my dad’s absence. In case he decides to leave the house again.

Anyway, my mom got home and then left again. Hours went by and I started getting nervous and worried. I just can’t fight with my mind. I decided to call my mom to ask her where she was and to come home, even though I was still very angry about the can opener. She went back home and told me she had taken one of her students to the dentist because this girls mom was blind and needed help. Then she told me: “Come with me to pick this girl up so that you can see her”. I decided to go just to avoid hearing my dad telling me when getting home that my mom was cheating on him. I really didn’t want to go because I was watching a very interesting soccer game and the final of Mexican soccer was about to start. Besides, something told me that I shouldn’t go because my mom had thrown my can opener away and I didn’t want to talk to her. Besides, I had already made a lot of sacrifices for my family, especially for my dad, and they didn’t deserve it.

Well, I accompanied my mom to pick this girl up and she wasn’t ready. I wanted to see the final so I told her I get into the dentist office to give her mom some clothes and money that my mom had promised. So I walked up the stairs, said hi to the blind mom and told her my mom had sent me to give her the money and the clothes. She didn’t accept the money and the dentist’s assistant told me that he could give the money to her so that she could pay a taxi. I agreed and went down the stairs to wait for the assistant to give the change of the money. My mom was waiting for me in her van in the middle of the street and asked me if I had given her the money. I said she hadn’t accepted it and she got angry, put her hysterical crazy face and started jelling at me. I got angry but I didn’t answer her because I didn’t want the blind woman to hear me telling my mom she hadn’t accepted the money. My mind just froze like it did with the man of the car and the obsessive thought of feeling I didn’t like the 90’s got into my head. I decided to tell my mom to move because there was a line of cars behind her and to wait for me around the corner. I said this jelling too. I finally got to her van and started insulting her. I was angry because she had jelled at me and because I had this obsessive thought into mi head. I also hit the van and she locked it. Then, I finally got into the van and continued arguing with her. We then got home and my mom told my dad that I had met the blind woman and told him I had gone with her to testify it. My dad answered ironically: Oh, so you are friends again? And then he told my mom to go to hell. This really got me angry and made my obsession bigger because I had accompanied my mom and talked to her for nothing.

Ever since this day, I have been anxious, angry, sad and desperate. Without this feeling of nostalgia I have practically nothing left. Looking back to the past is a great tool for me to escape from reality and it helps me to feel happier and alive. It gives me a very strange feeling of a terrible mellon collie, sadness and at the same time nostalgia and happiness. This feeling is the most important part of my life and without it I feel terrible. Now I look at old photos, websites, remember things from my junior high school years, I visit malls and places I went to very often in the 90s and watch programs I used to watch when I was younger and I feel nothing. This is driving me crazy.
During this month and 3 weeks I have felt very sad, angry and worried because I don’t know if I am going to get this feeling back. This is especially what it’s killing me.

The level of intensity of this though has changed. Sometimes it makes me feel terrible and sometimes it doesn’t bother me a lot. This also gets me worried because I am afraid of getting used to not having this feeling and of starting forgetting about this love. Now I also feel that I like the present a lot which bothers me since I hate today’s world. I hate today’s superficiality and today’s technology. I don’t want to be another person and change my personality. On top of this, in the last days I have felt that I have stopped caring that I don’t like the past anymore and that I am fine with this new life without nostalgia. This makes me very worried.
I also feel I have lost sentimentality and I don’t feel bad about tragedies and sad stories. For example, I feel that If my dog got lost I wouldn’t feel sad or that If I saw an injured stray dog I would feel nothing. This is not me, I am not like this.

I am very desperate and I don’t know what to do. I get very angry and my parents don’t understand my OCD. When I get very angry my dad threatens me to leave because and my mom threatens me to sell the house because she knows I am very attached to it and old objects. My dad makes stupid comments like: “Hey, you have to learn to control your-self” Like it is that easy. I wish my parents could experience my disease for several months so that they could see it is not a game and my OCD makes me desperate and want to die many times.
Besides, I have had to stop studying languages because I can’t ask my mom for money since I am very mad at her because she gave me this thought and all the years I wasted are starting to get to me. I feel sad when I see teenagers and people in their early twenties because I am just not going to be able to get these years back.
About my dad, I have to accept his money since I would be homeless if I didn’t do it. He sometimes acts like he hasn’t done anything and talks to me in a friendly way. Besides we have developed the routine of walking our dog together on weekends. This bothers me since many times I feel I don’t want to have contact with him ever again.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like a slave here and I don’t know if getting help from a Psychiatrist could be a good idea since I gained a lot of weight taking antidepressants 3 years ago. Not to mention I struggle to get money since I don’t work and I don’t want to ask my mom for money since I barely talk to her because she gave me this thought.

My life is terrible and I don’t know how to get out of these problems. Everything looks dark, I have lost social and mental skills to be in the real world and I feel I will never be able to get out of my house and live my life on my own. Changes are very difficult for me because I am very sensitive, insecure and nostalgic.

What do you think? It would be a great help for me to get comments about my situation.


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