Relationship Panic OCD-Sound Familiar?

RobotJunky

Hello,

My first time posting, but it seems like an apt place to post since here, for the first time, I found a post by someone who seems to have experienced exactly what I am myself experienced, what I have experienced since I started to have relationships.

That is, in a nutshell, panic attacks, agitation, obsessive doubt about the other person, including, extreme emotional instability from one moment to the next, and even I am ashamed to say, disgust, which leads to terrible guilt and feeling that I am a horrible person (and some of you reading may think that this is the case and I would find it difficult to disagree) and more so than anything, confusion, sadness and severe depression. I seem unable to sustain a healthy view of the relationship, of the other person, and ultimately of myself, which is to say it becomes very toxic for both involved.

This has lead to my being admitted to a psychiatric hospital on numerous occasions, once receiving ECT after having fallen so deeply into depression and mental disarray.

I never quite know what exactly is the source of my distress; the girl's looks, her personality any number of things; while at the same time maintaining an awareness that it is very superficial and damaging to focus on such things, but being unable to stop, and feeling that these are just excuses I find to not be in the relationship, except that, at the same time, I feel like I really want the relationship and would be destroyed by it ending; the thoughts and feelings are compulsive and overwhelming and send me into a spiral of despair and self-loathing and grief, since, ultimately it makes bits of the relationship, or any sincere attempt to sustain it.

After the relationship ends, the obsessive compulsive nature of these thoughts and feelings continue as my mind seeks constantly to solve a problem it has invented, as well as obsessing about the fact that we are no longer together and she is free to find someone else

In fact, a relationship is not strictly necessary for this to occur; it can occur with only having feelings for someone, as it did once where there was no possibility of my actually having a relationship with the girl, who lived in another country and had a boyfriend. It happened also with a girl I spent a couple of nights with and quite liked; with my trying to figure out how I felt about the person, and being completely incapable of that, drifting between extreme needy love and revulsion; an activity that is purely mental, occurring whether there is a relationship or not.

Essentially, the mere 'thought' of being in a relationship, the mere fact of having feelings for someone, provokes this terrible aversive response and self torturing.

This response is naturally confusing; I don't claim to be any great catch, although I have my good points, so I don't see how I could find myself obsessing like this over very trivial things (which in any case I feel have no basis in reality). That's the point though, isn't it, forever finding problems with your reality, things to obsess on and find fault with.

Anyway, if you find this very distressing, my apologies; I do too. If you find it very familiar, please write back; we human beings have a great need to find company in misery, and I have been a long time looking for someone to talk to about it, someone who knows it from the inside. I would really appreciate any input.

Peace