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    Old 02-14-2015, 01:06 PM   #1
    elfie86's Avatar
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    ROCD? Help.

    I am a mess.

    I do not know what is wrong with me. I'll try to give a short version.

    I have been in a relationship for about 5 years now, and we have lived together for 4.5 years or so.

    I have always had hangups about my boyfriend's past (he told me about 3 girlfriends, and at least a couple of non-committed hookups). I have had one other boyfriend-- for six years. I dated that person from 17-22.5, and started dating current boyfriend about 10 months later. I cheated on my ex many times, mostly out of resentment, because I am insecure, he was older, had exes...etc. I did not even go on a single date in the interim, always thought I would get back together with my ex. Not sure if that feeling was out of fear of moving on or what. Anyway, I found current guy and things happened really fast-- I thought I was glad the last relationship had ended because I felt so lucky to find someone like this. So, I have had two boyfriends. I cheated on my current boyfriend about a year ago. Both boyfriends have been nothing but patient, understanding, loving people.

    Since I cheated on my current boyfriend, my life has been turned upside down. I got up the nerve to tell him, and told him in bits what happened. He kindly was willing to try to forgive me. Since then I have treated him terribly. I went from not being able to forgive myself, to having guilty thoughts constantly, to now lashing out at him over his own past. I have been depressed and incredibly anxious over this. I moved out for two months and moved back in because for some reason I could not let go.

    I have done a lot of psychological excavation since then. I cannot think about anything but my relationship. Whenever I see another guy that is remotely attractive, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach about which I feel guilty and terrible. I then get angry knowing that he probably wonders about dating other girls too.

    Now, I am constantly questioning whether I ever loved my current boyfriend, whether I do love him, whether I just want to leave this relationship, whether this was a rebound relationship, whether i was ready to move on from my ex... I have so much resentment built up because of his past, which I know is unfair, but it is there. I go between torturing myself with images of his past, wondering who these other people were, and asking him who these people were. I create elaborate timelines in my mind, wondering how he felt about them...He is not a mean person and was friends with all of his exes. I dont know why that is not enough.

    Let me back up. I have always been hung up on his past. From the start, I used to check and constantly look at his exes online. I went through his phone and ********. I used to dislike going to places he went with his exes. No matter what we do, I wonder if he has done it with someone else. This past year however things have gotten much worse. I count in my head and on my hands how many sexual partners I know he has had, and estimate how many more there could be. I do things like google the average number of sexual partners for a man and try to resign myself to the results. I feel like I do not understand love or relationships and I overanalyze all of it.

    At the same time, i feel guilty and terrible about my own past. I do not want him to have anything in his past like mine-- random makeouts, picking up guys in bars...cheating on my ex... I know he has never cheated on anyone. I almost get jealous that he has been a better person than me.

    My anxiety is through the roof. i wonder if I hate him, if we are compatible, if we ever were compatible, if I am just staying out of fear, if I am just using him, if I respect and trust him... I constantly compare him to other guys... I sometimes get the feeling that we are intellectually and socially very different people, i wonder what an acceptable level of personal difference would look like, i wonder if I have been forcing myself to love him all this time, i wonder if I am missing out on something else that would make me happier. I wonder if I loved my ex more and if I was over my ex when this started, I never thought about my ex much until I started really digging with these thoughts.

    Some days I feel completely numb to my boyfriend, like I've fallen out of love, like I am emotionally checked out, like I've grown a callous to him. For a while I hoped it was depression and that the love would come back. Whenever I try to open up to him, I either feel guilty about my past and need to tell him everything, or ask about his past, or accuse him of things... In short, I cannot just let the present be what it is. I am always looking for reasons for it to fail. I overanalyze everything.

    At the same time, he is kind, caring, patient, and loving toward me. Which I do not deserve. He is not overly affectionate but is rather placid, and supportive in an unspoken way. I have a very tenuous, anxious attachment to him. Every time I find something to be happy about with him, a thought pops into my head that he did this before, or I imagine him doing it with someone else, etc. Sometimes when we are intimate I will get terrible images of him doing things with other girls.

    I am so afraid to end things and I have been hanging on for months. I constantly look online for reasons to explain how I am feeling. I just wish I could wake up and be happy with him and content in our relationship. I thought maybe this was all depression, anxiety, ocd, or ROCD... thought maybe these terrible feelings were because of birth control I was on...

    Sometimes I get so worked up I just explode-- asking him who these other people are, whether he still had feelings for his exes... when the anxiety builds inside I feel the need to spill everything I am feeling and ask questions, posit who he might have been with, etc. I constantly wonder if I am displacing my own problems onto him.

    My anxiety spikes when I see anything about dating on tv... I get worked up about the fact that I never dated anyone else and wonder what is wrong with me that I've only had two long term relationships...sometimes I wonder if I want to date more, but i know that whoever else I am with, I will be hung up on their past too.

    I do not remember always feeling this way but I know that I always had issues under the surface. I always chalked it up to insecurity but never worked through it. Now I am wondering if I am just acting this way because I was never in love with him to begin with. He said I have been living a lie because I never told him about any of these problems. Only recently did I begin to voice my massive insecurities and hangups. I always told myself that these preoccupations would go away the longer we were together. They have gotten worse.

    I dont know if my gut is just telling me to leave and that it is over. I worry that maybe I do not know when to end a relationship and I wonder if I knew what I was doing at the start. I do not trust my gut and I want there to be some reason, some rectifiable reason, that I am feeling this way.

    We have a lot of the same hobbies, he is trustworthy, he is respectful, hardworking, patient...he loves me through and through. Why isn't that enough?? I feel like I need more affection and thoughtfulness from him, does that mean we aren't compatible? Or does it just mean I am completely insecure and needy? Bear in mind, my ex was over the top affectionate and caring and I did the same thing to him.

    Of course we are not without our problems and I am sure some of the resentment I feel is because of poor communication and personality differences between us-- but I feel like I should be able to let go and work through those things. And I feel like I should be able to let go of my past and his.

    I realize that I sound like a terrible and insane individual. I am in therapy (DBT/CBT) and we are in couples counseling. The couples counselor tells me I am unreasonable (fine, I agree). My brain feels like mush. I cannot stop thinking about these things. I am in a very, very dark place and these thoughts control my days. Please, someone, anyone, tell me there is a light at the other end of this tunnel. I just want to wake up and be happy with him!!!!

    There are really intrusive thoughts-- whenever I am just trying to be calm and let the present moment happen I get these thoughts... I indulge them... I run with them... I am subsumed in guilt and anxiety. I wake up in the morning feeling so broken. I have terrible dreams about his exes every night.

    This is so dark and terrible or me. Has anyone had a similar experience? My gut says to stay and be happy-- but I can't force happiness. I do not know what to do. Does this sound like anxiety, ROCD, depression, anything?! Does anyone have any suggestions? Leaving sounds nice sometimes, just because I think these feelings would stop and I'd be able to focus on myself instead. But, it also feels like it could be a terrible and grave mistake.

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    Old 02-15-2015, 12:47 AM   #2
    LiveMLife's Avatar
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    Re: ROCD? Help. [long]

    I have felt the way you are feeling before.... I have ruined a few perfectly good relationships because of my OCD self... I believe you are suffering from ROCD which I found out recently that I suffer from.

    I have started to get over it I think, my advice is you have to detach yourself from your ROCD realizing when its the ROCD talking in your brain or is it the normal you... I don't really know how to do that easy, I learned through a lot of mistakes and then trusting men I date now more, and listening to others. I talk alot of things out with my mom and my girls friends that have there heads on straight.

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