It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

  • ROCD? Help.



  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 02-14-2015, 12:06 PM   #1
    elfie86
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    elfie86's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2015
    Posts: 1
    elfie86 HB User
    ROCD? Help.

    I am a mess.

    I do not know what is wrong with me. I'll try to give a short version.

    I have been in a relationship for about 5 years now, and we have lived together for 4.5 years or so.

    I have always had hangups about my boyfriend's past (he told me about 3 girlfriends, and at least a couple of non-committed hookups). I have had one other boyfriend-- for six years. I dated that person from 17-22.5, and started dating current boyfriend about 10 months later. I cheated on my ex many times, mostly out of resentment, because I am insecure, he was older, had exes...etc. I did not even go on a single date in the interim, always thought I would get back together with my ex. Not sure if that feeling was out of fear of moving on or what. Anyway, I found current guy and things happened really fast-- I thought I was glad the last relationship had ended because I felt so lucky to find someone like this. So, I have had two boyfriends. I cheated on my current boyfriend about a year ago. Both boyfriends have been nothing but patient, understanding, loving people.

    Since I cheated on my current boyfriend, my life has been turned upside down. I got up the nerve to tell him, and told him in bits what happened. He kindly was willing to try to forgive me. Since then I have treated him terribly. I went from not being able to forgive myself, to having guilty thoughts constantly, to now lashing out at him over his own past. I have been depressed and incredibly anxious over this. I moved out for two months and moved back in because for some reason I could not let go.

    I have done a lot of psychological excavation since then. I cannot think about anything but my relationship. Whenever I see another guy that is remotely attractive, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach about which I feel guilty and terrible. I then get angry knowing that he probably wonders about dating other girls too.

    Now, I am constantly questioning whether I ever loved my current boyfriend, whether I do love him, whether I just want to leave this relationship, whether this was a rebound relationship, whether i was ready to move on from my ex... I have so much resentment built up because of his past, which I know is unfair, but it is there. I go between torturing myself with images of his past, wondering who these other people were, and asking him who these people were. I create elaborate timelines in my mind, wondering how he felt about them...He is not a mean person and was friends with all of his exes. I dont know why that is not enough.

    Let me back up. I have always been hung up on his past. From the start, I used to check and constantly look at his exes online. I went through his phone and ********. I used to dislike going to places he went with his exes. No matter what we do, I wonder if he has done it with someone else. This past year however things have gotten much worse. I count in my head and on my hands how many sexual partners I know he has had, and estimate how many more there could be. I do things like google the average number of sexual partners for a man and try to resign myself to the results. I feel like I do not understand love or relationships and I overanalyze all of it.

    At the same time, i feel guilty and terrible about my own past. I do not want him to have anything in his past like mine-- random makeouts, picking up guys in bars...cheating on my ex... I know he has never cheated on anyone. I almost get jealous that he has been a better person than me.

    My anxiety is through the roof. i wonder if I hate him, if we are compatible, if we ever were compatible, if I am just staying out of fear, if I am just using him, if I respect and trust him... I constantly compare him to other guys... I sometimes get the feeling that we are intellectually and socially very different people, i wonder what an acceptable level of personal difference would look like, i wonder if I have been forcing myself to love him all this time, i wonder if I am missing out on something else that would make me happier. I wonder if I loved my ex more and if I was over my ex when this started, I never thought about my ex much until I started really digging with these thoughts.

    Some days I feel completely numb to my boyfriend, like I've fallen out of love, like I am emotionally checked out, like I've grown a callous to him. For a while I hoped it was depression and that the love would come back. Whenever I try to open up to him, I either feel guilty about my past and need to tell him everything, or ask about his past, or accuse him of things... In short, I cannot just let the present be what it is. I am always looking for reasons for it to fail. I overanalyze everything.

    At the same time, he is kind, caring, patient, and loving toward me. Which I do not deserve. He is not overly affectionate but is rather placid, and supportive in an unspoken way. I have a very tenuous, anxious attachment to him. Every time I find something to be happy about with him, a thought pops into my head that he did this before, or I imagine him doing it with someone else, etc. Sometimes when we are intimate I will get terrible images of him doing things with other girls.

    I am so afraid to end things and I have been hanging on for months. I constantly look online for reasons to explain how I am feeling. I just wish I could wake up and be happy with him and content in our relationship. I thought maybe this was all depression, anxiety, ocd, or ROCD... thought maybe these terrible feelings were because of birth control I was on...

    Sometimes I get so worked up I just explode-- asking him who these other people are, whether he still had feelings for his exes... when the anxiety builds inside I feel the need to spill everything I am feeling and ask questions, posit who he might have been with, etc. I constantly wonder if I am displacing my own problems onto him.

    My anxiety spikes when I see anything about dating on tv... I get worked up about the fact that I never dated anyone else and wonder what is wrong with me that I've only had two long term relationships...sometimes I wonder if I want to date more, but i know that whoever else I am with, I will be hung up on their past too.

    I do not remember always feeling this way but I know that I always had issues under the surface. I always chalked it up to insecurity but never worked through it. Now I am wondering if I am just acting this way because I was never in love with him to begin with. He said I have been living a lie because I never told him about any of these problems. Only recently did I begin to voice my massive insecurities and hangups. I always told myself that these preoccupations would go away the longer we were together. They have gotten worse.

    I dont know if my gut is just telling me to leave and that it is over. I worry that maybe I do not know when to end a relationship and I wonder if I knew what I was doing at the start. I do not trust my gut and I want there to be some reason, some rectifiable reason, that I am feeling this way.

    We have a lot of the same hobbies, he is trustworthy, he is respectful, hardworking, patient...he loves me through and through. Why isn't that enough?? I feel like I need more affection and thoughtfulness from him, does that mean we aren't compatible? Or does it just mean I am completely insecure and needy? Bear in mind, my ex was over the top affectionate and caring and I did the same thing to him.

    Of course we are not without our problems and I am sure some of the resentment I feel is because of poor communication and personality differences between us-- but I feel like I should be able to let go and work through those things. And I feel like I should be able to let go of my past and his.

    I realize that I sound like a terrible and insane individual. I am in therapy (DBT/CBT) and we are in couples counseling. The couples counselor tells me I am unreasonable (fine, I agree). My brain feels like mush. I cannot stop thinking about these things. I am in a very, very dark place and these thoughts control my days. Please, someone, anyone, tell me there is a light at the other end of this tunnel. I just want to wake up and be happy with him!!!!

    There are really intrusive thoughts-- whenever I am just trying to be calm and let the present moment happen I get these thoughts... I indulge them... I run with them... I am subsumed in guilt and anxiety. I wake up in the morning feeling so broken. I have terrible dreams about his exes every night.

    This is so dark and terrible or me. Has anyone had a similar experience? My gut says to stay and be happy-- but I can't force happiness. I do not know what to do. Does this sound like anxiety, ROCD, depression, anything?! Does anyone have any suggestions? Leaving sounds nice sometimes, just because I think these feelings would stop and I'd be able to focus on myself instead. But, it also feels like it could be a terrible and grave mistake.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 02-14-2015, 11:47 PM   #2
    LiveMLife
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    LiveMLife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2015
    Posts: 6
    LiveMLife HB User
    Re: ROCD? Help. [long]

    I have felt the way you are feeling before.... I have ruined a few perfectly good relationships because of my OCD self... I believe you are suffering from ROCD which I found out recently that I suffer from.


    I have started to get over it I think, my advice is you have to detach yourself from your ROCD realizing when its the ROCD talking in your brain or is it the normal you... I don't really know how to do that easy, I learned through a lot of mistakes and then trusting men I date now more, and listening to others. I talk alot of things out with my mom and my girls friends that have there heads on straight.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    ROCD - Backdoor spike - first ever relationship LadyStark Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 3 09-21-2012 07:09 AM
    ROCD destroyed us, where do I go now? CraigJarrett Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 0 08-16-2012 01:32 PM

    Tags
    anxiety, jealousy, relationship, rocd



    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:32 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!