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    Old 10-02-2019, 11:42 AM   #1
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    I need your suggestions

    Hi Members,

    I have a question. My friend is caring for his mother (79) that has stage 4 liver cancer. He is looking into getting her into a skilled nursing home. but in the mean time she is at home with her husband.

    The problems now is his father (77) suffers from severe anxiety and onset dementia and is hard of hearing . Ever time my friend does anything his dad wants to know what he is doing and he ask over and over again.

    The mother isn't getting the rest she needs because her husband hover over her.

    Although my friend can pretty stern with his dad I feel sorry for his dad he's sick too.

    Any suggestions what my friend can do?

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    Old 10-04-2019, 11:14 AM   #2
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    Re: I need your suggestions


    Of course, the husband is concerned and wants to know about his wife's care and what is going on with her. It is his rightful position to be in on the decisions and be given explanations. The son is obviously concerned and rightly so, but does he really have the legal right to step in and take command of the parents lives? Even if he has the legal right, he is responsible to deal with both parents in a respectful and understanding manner. That is not always easy.

    To really be helpful he may only need to back off a little and respect his father's relationship with his mother. If he takes the time to respectfully communicate with his father and make decisions WITH him, not for him or for his mother, all of them will be more able to relax and feel better and make better decisions.

    Husbands, even if they have mental or physical problems still have rights with their spouses. Your friend needs to understand that the children of parents have no right to step in and take over his father and mother's lives without talking with the spouse. If someone made him think he has that right he needs to get legal counsel about dealing with parental issues.

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    Old 10-04-2019, 03:36 PM   #3
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    Re: I need your suggestions

    Any chance he can place both parents in a facility that can handle both sets of issues? That would be optimal. Of course, he needs a complete POA- medical, financial, etc.- to do that. Talking to an elder care attorney could be helpful.

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    Old 10-05-2019, 03:03 PM   #4
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    Re: I need your suggestions

    Stage 4 liver cancer qualifies for hospice which can be done at home or in a facility...and is 100% covered by Medicare. Unfortunately, I have been through this myself.

    The son needs to inquire about hospice, which is simply comfort measures... they will provide a nurse case manager, a social worker to help him deal with hise father and family counseling/ spiritual counseling, support.. whatever is needed. They will also send a nurse's aide out to the house 2 hours a day, 3 or 4 days a week to bathe mom and oversee the personal care.

    Here is the kicker; if the father is truly suffering from Dementia and he no longer has the power to make decisions in that case whoever is the designated POA (power of attorney) needs to step in. This exact same thing happened to me with my father and my step mother was unable to make decisions; fortunately, I have the background to understand these things - but my step brothers and step sisters fought me every step of the way because they wanted their mother to take care of my dying father- and yet it was clear to everyone she couldn't even take care of herself. Bad situation.

    The first priority is to ask your friend if he has POA, if he does not, gently bring up the question if he thinks his father is capable of making decisions and if this was ever talked about....then, hospice would be a great option for the family.

    Good luck. This is a sticky situation.
    RRMS- dx 05

    Last edited by Administrator; 10-05-2019 at 06:57 PM.

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