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  • Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

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    Old 10-13-2019, 01:27 AM   #1
    brokengirl1234
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    Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    I called off my wedding 4 weeks before it was due. I have been with my ex partner for nearly 5 years. After first year together (we lived in separate cities and he used to visit me) he told me that he had a fiancee and he lives with her. I was heartbroken and broke up with him for few months. He begged me to come back and I eventually did. We had ups and downs, I broke up with him one more time a year after because I found out that he has been texting other girls. He then begged me and promised he will never do it again. Then again I forgave him and we got back together after few months.
    We were okay for few years but I always had a feeling that something is not right in our relationship. I couldnt really put a finger on it. We bought a house and a dog. We were very happy with a dog, he was like our baby. We were doing everything for him. He had lots of health issues though. We got engaged and planned a wedding. I was the only one doing it but I wasnt very excited about it. My ex fiance didnt seem to be too excited too but he agreed to marry me in the country I am from. That was very brave of him as he doesnt speak the language and was about to marry in front of other people which he doesnt know. He is quite shy person.
    Everything was fine until around 5 weeks before the wedding. We started having more fights and communication issues.
    I started having doubts about our relationship. We have recently opened business and it didnt do well at all. My ex was very stressed and I was too. Money was an issue and it was going down very quick. One evening I called my fiance and said that I want to call off the wedding. I felt like we lost our way and drifted apart. I though about it after, apologised and said that I didn't mean it. Week after that, I was constantly thinking if i should marry him. I had doubts. I asked God to give me a sign that I should not do it- a d my dog died 2 days later!!! The dog I loved the most in the world. I was devastated. I though to myslef that it has to be a sign from God.
    I started feeling very weird. 3 nights I couldnt sleep, literally not even a minute I was able to keep my eyes closed. I was very anxious and it felt like I had a heavy weight on my chest. I was constantly debating if I should marry him. On the third night my ex sleptalked and said "someone said DONT DO THAT". I froze. I started shaking. I was thinking, is it another sign?
    Next day I couldnt take it any longer, wrote a letter to my ex fiance where I said how I feel. I have destroyed it though. I spoke to him later and said to my that I dont want wedding. He was shocked and wanted me to change my mind. I didnt want to listen. After that conversation I felt like weight of my chest was gone. I broke up everything and called off wedding. I felt great until the day which our wedding was mean to take place. Since that day I struggle with depression, I constantly blame myslef, feel guilty and ashamed. I disappointed my family, friends and my ex fiance.
    We tried ferrying back together but somehow I couldnt do it. I felt like there is some kind of a wall I cant climb to be with him again. Very strange. He tried for nearly 2 months to get me back. Twice I said yes and the changed my mind. I couldnt get my head around things. I was so lost and confused.
    Lately I started missing him and wanted him back. He said it's too late and I feel terrible. I feel like I am crazy and lost my chance for marriage and good life. I am 31.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 05:14 AM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    Yes you did the right thing. You should never enter into a marriage unless you are 100% sure. Doubts - are the signs that something is not right.

    You went through allot with this relationship and it appears that it was never right from the beginning. What you are feeling now is loneliness- you don't miss him, you miss having "someone'.

    Go out and find someone else! You are young and have plenty of time to get married and even start a family if you want. Women are getting pregnant in their late 30s regularly now. People are waiting until they are in their 30s to get married. Its become the new norm.

    I am sorry you are feeling so sad..maybe look into a professional counselor to help you sort out what you are feeling, but YES you did the right thing. Its better to be sad now and feeling the way you are then to be married- stuck- and wondering if you did the right thing. Breakups are much easier than divorces.
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    Old 10-13-2019, 09:26 AM   #3
    quincy
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    It's called instinct....now that you've brought it to the cognitive level, you're second guessing, leaning toward fear and kicking the instinct and common sense out the door.

    If he said yes, you would have regretted it before you went back....but now that he said no, it's not in your court, and you've been rejected. So there are different reactions at play.

    Keep it cognitive with reasoning and common sense and instinct intact. Ask yourself what advice you would give to someone with your situation..

    Work through it, seek counselling. Foresight will serve you better than hindsight.

    q

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 10:04 AM   #4
    esker
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    You have saved your life by calling off the wedding.

    That guy is like a parade of red flags.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 10:31 AM   #5
    Chainsoflove
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    Hi,

    I think he wants you back because he really cares for you. I have difficulty with communication when in a serious relationships. That is what happens when there is a break down of trust and respect. I think by being single for awhile, you can begin to rebuild the parts of you that have been hurt. Maybe, you can give it another try in a month's time. It doesn't mean we are bad or cruel with our partners. You just need some time and space to really concentrate on yourself. You seem like a very sensitive person, similar to me. Good luck, I can't say it enough.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 03:26 PM   #6
    brokengirl1234
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by quincy View Post
    It's called instinct....now that you've brought it to the cognitive level, you're second guessing, leaning toward fear and kicking the instinct and common sense out the door.

    If he said yes, you would have regretted it before you went back....but now that he said no, it's not in your court, and you've been rejected. So there are different reactions at play.

    Keep it cognitive with reasoning and common sense and instinct intact. Ask yourself what advice you would give to someone with your situation..

    Work through it, seek counselling. Foresight will serve you better than hindsight.

    q
    Thank you for that. I am glad someone understands me 😊

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 03:28 PM   #7
    brokengirl1234
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    Re: Called off my wedding. Have I done the right thing?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Chainsoflove View Post
    Hi,

    I think he wants you back because he really cares for you. I have difficulty with communication when in a serious relationships. That is what happens when there is a break down of trust and respect. I think by being single for awhile, you can begin to rebuild the parts of you that have been hurt. Maybe, you can give it another try in a month's time. I have a codependent issue I am dealing with right now, so I have to step back and give myself a hard look. It doesn't mean we are bad or cruel with our partners. You just need some time and space to really concentrate on yourself. You seem like a very sensitive person, similar to me. Good luck, I can't say it enough.

    Thank you very much. Good luck for the future

     
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