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I need advice!! Please

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Old 06-22-2004, 01:00 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1
Darry_Smith2004 HB User
Arrow I need advice!! Please

Iím writing here hoping that perhaps there is someone out there that might help me in some such. As it comes, this is a last resort for me. I have already been to see a few (two or three) psychiatrists over the past five months and not once have I found them helpful. I am hoping against hope that maybe there is someone out there that has dealt with this problem or similar in one way or another and could help me. Iím at a loss. I guess its because the problem is complicated.
Basically, I live in New York. I moved from Georgia where I studied computer science. It was there that I met my wife Jean. We moved to New York when a friend I knew living there offered me a job. Unfortunately, we were a little too late and the job had been taken just before we arrived. I even tried looking for other computer development jobs but to no avail. Jean and myself managed to scrape together (also having to borrow some money from my friend) just enough money for a crummy one-story, two-roomed house thirty minutes drive from the city centre. Some how we managed to scrape through the first three and a half months. We had our first child, a beautiful baby girl whom we called Ann, after Jeans mother and while Jean was obviously too busy with Ann to work I managed to get an assembly-line job at a toy factory just outside the city. The pay was terrible and so were the hours but at the time, I really didnít care. I spent more-or-less all of my free time at home with Jean and Ann.
In our fifth month there, my nightmare came to life. I remember coming home from work when I noticed that the front door was a jar. I didnít worry too much since the door was off it hinges ever since we bought the house. What few items we owned were either thrown about the floor or were shredded/broken into pieces. To make matters worse, neither Jean nor Ann were in the house. Naturally I phoned the police but it was of little use. My heart broke a week later when they found Jean. The police found her in a field some where outside the city. I wanted to send her home to lie beside her parents but I couldnít even afford that. Worse, they never found any sign of Ann or of the people who did this.
This is very hard for me to talk about even now. I feel kind of stupid bothering other people with my problems but I was told that I should get them off my chest. A friend recommended this site to me and as I said I was hoping that someone might help me. After the incident, I had the hope of finding Ann to keep me through the days but at this stage Iím giving up hope. And recently Iíve found myself in bed thinking about how easily suicide might solve things. I know itís not right but my life has no meaning left in it. I feel that Iíve become a burden to my friend since he allowed me to stay at his apartment. He has to even work overtime to accommodate for me since I havenít had the courage to find another job. He helped me as much as he could.
Please somebody help me. If there is anyone out there that has gone through something even remotely similar to this I would greatly appreciate advice from their experience. Any advice will help at this stage. Thank you and God bless.

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Old 06-22-2004, 08:36 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 253
ILikeRats HB User
Re: I need advice!! Please

Oh my, that is the saddest story, and I am so sorry! I assume you are working with the police and with Crime-stoppers? Is there a reward fund to anyone who can provide information on what happened and the whereabouts of your daughter? Are flyers being posted all over the place? If something like this happened to me, I would be doing whatever the heck I wanted to do for myself: going on long walks, sitting in the library and reading all day, just whatever. I'd be in therapy as much as I could afford, and I'd join a support group (or several). If I felt like working (to keep busy), I'd find whatever job I could get and do that. Mourn however you wish, and don't let anyone tell you what to do, but you MUST stay in therapy. When you become deeply depressed, go to a depression chatroom and find someone to instant message or find message boards to "vent" on. Let your family be there for you, even if you feel like being alone. There is a depression board here you should post on, as well.
I wish you only the best.

Old 06-22-2004, 08:49 PM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 67
damaged_tirips HB User
Re: I need advice!! Please

I don't know what to say really. I just want to give a big hug to you, and I'm sending SO many prayers your way. Sometimes life gets to be so dark, and you think there's no way it'll get better. There will be a light, talk to people, if you feel alone and like there's just nothing else, call someone close, get on the internet, come here and just talk. Talking does help. There is NO way that I can relate to how much pain you are in, but talking about it may help ease it. I'm very sorry for what has happened, you are a very strong person, and I pray to God that you continue to go toward a path that will help you and guide you. Please, feel free to post ANYTIME, it will help, I promise.

Old 06-22-2004, 10:27 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 22
Tip'sfriend HB User
Re: I need advice!! Please

I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through. Have you gone to any grief counseling, or group therapy? I know that some find solace in support groups for surviving spouses. Please let us know how you are doing. I wish you peace.

Last edited by Tip'sfriend; 06-27-2004 at 01:41 PM.

Old 06-22-2004, 11:19 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 896
Angel77 HB User
Re: I need advice!! Please

Please forgive me if I'm a little leary, the internet is fairly new to me and I guess I don't want to believe that this could be a reality, but too often it is.

First of all, you can't find the support you need in a counselor who has not walked in your shoes. The only ones who can offer the help you need is for people who have lost a loved one to violence, and even then, the situations are different.

I can't not say that suicide wouldn't be the first thing in my mind, because I know it would be. But, I also know, that your wife (have the feeling your daughter was probably given to someone or they would have found something by now) is in a place where she knows no pain and sorrow, but you, on the other hand, are experiencing it all and doing it almost completely alone. No one can tell you what to do or how to cope. You must take the advice, take what you need from it and make it fit your situation, not all of it will be appropriate.

There is more in life to live for, but the sorrows of the past never go away, but your bad days become fewer and farther between and the memories that cause you pain now, will once again make you smile. You can't bottle it up or busy yourself to ignore it because it will not change reality. But you also can't let it live your life. It will come knocking and eventually get through the door and you'll be in no position to handle it when you thought you had so successfully hidden that pain from yourself and the rest of the world.

You will be asked questions, not ever meant to hurt...are you married? Do you have kids? etc. and you need to be as prepared as you can be for it. Do you want to say yes, and they are no longer with you....just no and leave it....and that answer may change as time goes on.

I don't feel you would be doing yourself a service by denying it. I think in the end, it worsens the pain, as if you are forced to believe they never were and that you yourself have no right to their memories. But, they lived, they were and they are even now, just in a different form and when you deny that, you deny your heart. You are already hurting, denying it just prolongs the inevitable.

How long ago did this take place? Look up stages of grief and you'll find that there are very disctinct stages of grief, however, there is no time limit on how long each one will last. Please get to a group that knows what you can't bring yourself to say or feel and let them support you through it when it comes full circle. You never get passed it, you get through it, and many times, don't even have a clue how it happened.

Also, know that well-meaning people will hurt your feelings, by ignoring you, saying get over it, etc. But it is what happens when they don't know how to help someone they care about and they too, take the hand of denial. However, they can wrap your grief up in a little package and have moments in life that they don't have to remember the pain you can't package up and send away. I know how angry I get when I see someone who can package up something so painful to me that I can't escape and am jealous of the fact that they can. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Please, stick with the board, many times it's easier to be honest with your feelings when no one knows who you are and you aren't worried about hiding it for fear of being hurt some more. These people here are really good people and will help where they can....just be patient with us as well, many of us will end up with our feet in our mouths....which mine has probably already been placed there. I sincerely hope you find the help you need and are able to make it through. I know the feeling that is sitting on your shoulder and it seems so easy, but it's not the only answer.

Best of luck, Angel
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

Old 06-23-2004, 01:33 AM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2
chlosome HB User
Re: I need advice!! Please

hi i need help well i might i am not too sure yet but is it normal for me to want to become and anorexic? i am a female who is currently attending school

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