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    Old 07-27-2007, 03:29 AM   #1
    Viralt
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    Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Well I've had mental illness as long as I could remember, and I came here wondering if someone could spread some insight... I'd like to summarize, except even a summary of the problem could go on forever, so I'll do my best to list all important points.

    1. My life before I was eight feels like it wasn't mine, as if I'm a different person with those memories. Major upheaval - moving from my mom to my dad who'd separated at 5. I remember the scenes, some things we did and said, but it's not like I was actually there, I can't explain properly. This is not the normal way of not remembering things when you were a child.

    2. Since I was eight I had "illusions" (I put this in quotes because my research reveals to me that this may be what it most likely is) - These would "manifest" from objects in my room, such as a coat hanging from a door would look like a robed figure, of course it was a bit more than that, there was always a face, every detail my mind somehow formed on them IF I dared to look for more than a few seconds before fear pulled me away.

    3. Since I was 15 I sometimes heard voices - But not in the way that would immediately come to your mind. Sometimes I could be reading a book and look up, unable to tell if someone called my name, sometimes I know they definitely did and I walk into the living room and it turns out no one did, I could knock on the bathroom door and have no idea whether someone actually replied or not - As in, if the response was real.

    4. At 15 the illusions still persisted, I had no one I could tell. But there was something else, I started having "hallucinations" too - This did not manifest from something that was there, and most of the time I would see a corpse of a girl (of course, this hallucination? was not as dead as you'd want a corpse to be) - 5 years old. And I can feel her emotion, or I think I can? But that's something weird to me, because if I can (after all, she is a manifestion of mine, no?) then she isn't feeling hatred, isn't feeling love, isn't feeling... anything, but she is, if I can explain this properly, the very essence of hatred, as if someone had extracted hatred and that was her form - similar in the way we see death. Speaking of death, sometimes I wake up and see him about to grab my throat for a split second and then its gone. Sometimes if I went out at night to see a movie or something by the time I get back home I'm covered in sweat and I'm shaking and lay awake all night, sometimes I wake up with blood on my hands because my finger nails dug too deep into my hands from clenching my fists.

    5. At 18 I finally managed to ask for help after enduring it for 10 years (maybe longer, I can't remember) and instead of a GP went right ahead and called mental health services and was being helped by them for maybe 1 - 1.5 years. During that time I was given nothing but fluoxetine hydrochloride and quietiapine fumurate. That is, prozak and seroquel. I was given help in attempting to fix my real life situation (which was horrid) - But nothing made the hallucinations stop. Although I don't really hear things anymore.

    6. I left school at 15, tried to do a course at 16, failed. I can not work, I can not study, and have attempted to.

    7. At almost 20 I haven't had any mental health help in a year, it's no longer extended to me. My doctor and therapist said maybe I should see a regular GP with no real reason. My GP charges $30 a visit I simply can't afford and my government gives me (in weekly payments...) the money which I'm never going to be able to save maybe $1 a week for the 6 monthly visits they think I need. Hallucinations and illusions getting worse, I'm sorry if I have the wrong term there but please enlighten me.

    8. This is a main point... I was able to speak of the hallucinations/illusions when I was completely broken down, had nothing left at all, and in utter desperation and I was basically screaming inside just to say it... And there's a reason.

    During the day I am somehow mentally impaired from relating to the way I am when I am alone at night, and that's when it gets really, really bad... I don't know how to explain that, I simply can NOT get help for myself when it's not happening so bad. It's not being lazy, it's not even being too low on energy, it's like theres something mentally blocking me from seeking help at the times I can get it (for a price I can't really pay).

    9. Sometimes I don't believe I'm hallucinating because it's too real, and that's what really scares me.

    Any advice at all is appreciated.. thanks.


    (edit) I'm going to add one thing, which I'm sure might help people - I got a portable MP3 player, if I listen to music it makes all the things I see appear WAY less, best thing I ever bought. At least as long as I can keep my mind on the music or my thoughts constantly preoccupied by it.

    Last edited by Viralt; 07-27-2007 at 03:35 AM.

     
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    Old 08-11-2007, 03:18 PM   #2
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Nothing? :/

     
    Old 08-11-2007, 07:08 PM   #3
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    I'm sorry you've been having so much trouble. This sounds a lot like scitzophernia. It doesn't mean you are crazy. . . I promise you. Many people suffer from this from mild to severe. The fact that you recogonize the problem is a wonderful sign. Most people with severe mental problems are convinced without any doubt everything they are experiencing is real.

    Hallucinations are no doubt scary. As a child I would think I'd see things in my room . . . The improtant thing is to tell yourself every time - this is not real.

    If you call your local hospital you may find that there are a lot of non profit therapists who can help you. When my mother went thru a divorce with my dad - he became very violent. We paid him 5 dollars for each visit - if we could - and he was a therapist. You can also talk with pastors trained to help with this. I have anxiety and OCD - I've found drawing near to God and praying helps keep my nerves at bay. There's nothing God can't do!

    Most of all - know you are not alone. You are not beyond help. There are many out there who suffer just like you do. Scitzophrenia also has a different med than serquil or prozac. After taking meds it can be controlled and improve your life dramatically! You can also call your local health department and they help you find someone to address your needs.

    If you need to see a therapist - don't worry about the money. You can find many who are willing to help you and work with you to pay only what you can. You just have to ask.

    Hope this helps. God bless you.

    Phillipians 4:6

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 11:32 AM   #4
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    You must find a way to get medical help. You almost for sure have all the symptoms of Schizophrenia. We are dealing with this right now with my 21 year old son. He has just been diagnosed with it, Just as you, he had all the early symptoms and they have gotten worse.
    With the proper medical help and medicines you can live a much better life. There has to be a way for you to be able to get the help you need.

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 02:52 PM   #5
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    There is a separate board here for schizophrenia. Please read through some of the posts to see if anything sounds familiar. I am surprised that your doctors have not suggested this is the cause of your problems. This is a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and there are medications that can help you.

    Please try to find what resources might be available to you.

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 04:24 PM   #6
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Thank you all very much for the responses

    @B143C - Christianity or God isn't really my way of life, I have turned at times in that direction and it never worked for me, I really have a lot of trouble believing it too.

    @gardenandcats - I could always ask my GP (for another $30 visit :/) to recommend me back to the waitemata mental health center in town, but honestly, if they asked how they could help me I wouldn't know what to say. They wont just give me different medication, they seem REALLY uptight about that and I'm not really certain why. I was with them before and honestly besides helping out my RL situation they couldn't do anything for the illness itself.

    @tsohl - Thanks for the advice I remember ages ago at an appointment the possibility of schizophrenia was briefly brought up, but nothing past that. I'm looking up symptoms and causes right now.

    Quote:
    More serious symptoms emerge as the illness progresses, including nonsensical statements and unusual perceptions of common experience. People suffering from acute schizophrenia may quickly change from topic to topic with no relation to each other, or make up completely new words or sounds.
    I do have perceptions of things I wouldn't share, and I don't really know where I got them from, but I'm sure everyone is like that in some aspect... I don't make up new words or sounds, I'm not sure if I change from topic to topic and I assume I wouldn't notice that.

    Quote:
    People suffering from schizophrenia often believe that someone is spying on them, or that someone can "hear" their thoughts.
    I have had this to some degree, but I also know that it is impossible so I can safely tell myself they can't. But it's still there nevertheless.

    Quote:
    The research so far supports the conclusion that people inherit a genetic vulnerability to schizophrenia, which can be brought on by outside events such as a viral infection that changes the body's chemistry, a highly stressful situation in adult life, or a combination of each.
    My mother has schizophrenia (I don't really know her). And my entire life has been "highly stressful" (probably an understatement) and truthfully it doesn't get better.

    Quote:
    Like many genetically related illnesses, schizophrenia appears when the body is undergoing the hormonal and physical changes of adolescence.
    It got far worse when I was around 14-15.

    Quote:
    Also, like other autoimmune diseases, it fluctuates through remission and relapse, and it appears more commonly in families where it has already been diagnosed.
    I'm not too sure about this, but when I wake up I feel fine, as it gets later I get much, much worse.

    Quote:
    Finally, a home or social environment marked with emotional or physical abuse and severe poverty may play a role in the onset of schizophrenia, but only in those with genetic vulnerability.
    I'm not too sure about this either, but it was me, my brother, two sisters with my father who couldn't control his temper and I'm sure that'd account as verbal/emotional abuse (he didn't intend it)... and poverty? I'm not exactly a starving refugee, but never had money.

    Quote:
    Psychiatrists also believe these stress factors can often be offset with "protective factors." That's when the person with schizophrenia receives proper medication, and finds help in building a stable network of family and friends, can live with some degree of independence, and can maintain steady and satisfying employment.
    I don't get proper medication, I really don't have friends and as for my family, well, let's not go there... and I can't maintain a 1 hour per week job as I found. Really not sure what to make of ANY of this and I'm not one to go ahead and diagnose myself for obvious reasons.

    I don't think I can go to my doctor and ask him for Zyprexa or something, and I can't afford to have him diagnose me - and I have a feeling he's not very good :/

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 08:08 PM   #7
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    It sounds like you are having early symptoms of Schizophrenua. It will get worse much worse if left untreated, You must start someplace with a doc and tell him all these odd thoughts that you are having.
    Schizophrenia found early and treated ealy have a much better recovery. Good luck and please be persittent and get the help you need and desreve.

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 08:33 PM   #8
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Right now I can't even put my health issues first, too many problems with my living situation, trying to find somewhere to move and the only places I get enough money to afford is living with other people and I just can NOT do that... and living here is making me go ten times crazier from all the stress it's causing me.

    So I'm really at a loss for what to do... and Doctor is just too expensive to talk to.

    Living with other people is more stress than I can handle and way more expectations (to work, study, etc.) than I can live up to... WINZ (work and income NZ... financial part of government) just don't understand that simply because THEY can live with other people just fine, and it's really making me upset.

    Last edited by Viralt; 08-12-2007 at 08:34 PM.

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 09:01 PM   #9
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Viralt,
    If you can get officially diagnosed with schizophrenia (or whatever it turns out you have), you may find doors opening to you that were heretofore closed.
    Best wishes.

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 10:03 PM   #10
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    I don't know anything about how the mental health agencies are set up in New Zealand, but there must be some sort of mental health agency where you can go for information -- some sort of social services or health clinic or something.

    It really is very important that you seek help. It is an illness that can be treated with medication. It would be a shame to suffer needlessly when you might find treatment that could allow you to live up to your full potential. Perhaps you do not have schizophrenia, but regardless, having a proper diagnosis would allow you to move ahead.

    xxTsohl

     
    Old 08-12-2007, 11:14 PM   #11
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    I need to find somewhere better to live first, I can't deal with all of this at once.

    I can't even seem to get that out of the way, I can't live here anymore and truthfully suicide feels better each damn moment, even if help WAS still out there for me (any I had was basically revoked) I don't have the strength to ask for it.

    I can't just keep on trying and failing time after damn time, this is too much... just want to get out of here and WINZ don't understand anything and my only doctor is unaffordable and probably a tad senile. He's nice but as unhelpful as you get.

    And I have so many physical problems too, I'm probably addicted to the caffeine in cola drinks, I can't help but to 'crack' my neck, arms, sometimes fingers, its a habit I've had for years, my backs constantly sore, my teeth are sore (WINZ paid for me to have three unvisible ones removed which has helped so much). My hallucinations are getting worse, if I wasn't overcome with fear so quickly I could sit and stare at her and she'd stare right back... And the list just goes on and on...

    And like I mentioned... during the day before it gets really bad (i.e when people are available to speak with) I seem like an entirely different person, no strength or energy but I don't hallucinate like I do later in the evening, my emotions are different, everything is and I can't ask for help during that time because it's not happening or something. I can't deal with this.

    Last edited by Viralt; 08-13-2007 at 02:40 AM.

     
    Old 08-13-2007, 01:15 PM   #12
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    Re: Need Advice - Hallucinations (and so much other stuff)

    Viralt--

    You've got to hold on.

    There's still hope. If you can take things one step at a time, you can move forwards to a point in your life where this mental condition is under control, and you -can- live the life you want.

    You say you don't have the strength to ask for help, but you're here, aren't you? You -are- asking for help. And if you can ask us, you can ask others who can do more for you. Like most people, I'm unfamiliar with what New Zealand has to offer in terms of cheap or free clinics, but there's got to be something. Are you somehow bound to your GP, as in an HMO where you can't go anywhere without going through him first?

    As for physical problems... Cracking joints and bones is not -necessarily- a bad thing. From what I've read, it's just releasing bubbles of air that get trapped in there - it won't cause arthritis in and of itself, although the fact that the bubbles of air get trapped in the first place might point to arthritis developing later in life. (Again, that's just according to a bit of research I've done - I snap-crackle-and-pop a lot, too. Especially when my hands get cold.) Addiction to caffeine is something you can recover from, if you gradually wean yourself away from caffeinated sodas and to, perhaps, water or even flavored water or decaf/herbal teas. They're starting to sell such teas in cans, so the convenience of grabbing a can of soda is still there - just healthier for you.

    If you think your hallucinations get worse with the onset of darkness, rather than just the time of day, then closing off all your windows and turning on every light in the house/apartment might help. Music, either with headphones or a good speaker system, or something interesting to do on the computer, or a good show on TV - those also might help. And, if you're able, you might consider trying to alter your sleep cycle so that you're asleep during the worst parts of the evening and night - you'd wind up waking up at the crack of dawn, but if nothing else, that might help. Just don't make too drastic a change too suddenly, or it might be hard to cope with. Adjusting sleep patterns over the course of a few weeks is much healthier than trying to change immediately.

    You -can- deal with this. What afflicts you is something that is treatable. It may be hard and seem nigh-impossible to obtain that treatment right now, but steps -can- be taken to progress towards that eventuality. Please don't give up.

    It might sound silly, but you might be surprised at the power of positive thought. At the very least, try to remind yourself that there -are- medications that can help you, and you are working towards those. Your situation is not hopeless.

    I've found a lot of relief in activities that occupy the mind and body - perhaps you might, as well. Trying yoga, tai chi, or ch'i kung is one option - alternately, you can go jogging with your MP3 player, or dance to some loud music. Getting your mind to focus on something other than the hallucinations is always a good idea, and there are a lot of things you can try to occupy yourself. And, if you can't focus on any one thing for very long, then have a list of things to do and hop between them whenever you get bored.

    Please realize that all of these things -do- happen, and in the daytime, do what you can to talk to people. If you have a phone or the internet at home, try to talk to people during the evenings - it might help to focus on a conversation instead of the hallucinations.

    You can deal with this. Just remember that, and keep us posted.
    __________________
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