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    Old 06-17-2005, 12:14 AM   #1
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    My wife

    Hi all

    Long time no see I need some advice I know that my wife suffers from some pain but I also know she is an addict and so is her mother which makes it hell for me we had to move in with her mom when I got hurt we could make it but my wife spends every dime she makes on pills not to mention drug seeking at all the local hospitals which she was busted for and basically told not to come back her mother buys pills but doesnt drug seek and they both bother me for pills especially my wife I tell my mother in law no once and she leaves it but my wife will follow me around for an entire day fighting with me or cry and make me feel sorry for her she will not take no I bought a lock box but that didnt matter long story short I have to go through withdrawal for a week sometimes longer every month and my pain quadrouples I really dont need the just tell her no lecture so if that is what you plan to post please dont you dont know my wife I am basically trapped in a house with two addicts and totally dependent on them as the pain is just too much at the time for me to work esspecially with the WD every month so please with all due respect save the just tell her no stuff becasue it doesnt work for those of you whom have never been around an addict they are very presistant the WD is really starting to mess me up my bowles dont know what they are doing and I found out another interesting fact while looking the medicine cabinet for a tums the person they are getting pain meds from is treated by my doc, my doc and I have a pretty good realtionship I have thought about telling him all this but it could end my marriage (which may be a blessing in disguise) or even get me into trouble I have talked with my mom about all this but she really doesnt know about pain WD etc all I know is that my moods are getting worse and worse I am starting to scare myself and have even contemplated suicide

    Please help and try to understand I am basically trapped.

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    Old 06-17-2005, 07:29 AM   #2
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    Re: My wife

    Hey Big Tuna, I have seen, witnessed and experienced the exact same beahvior, not from my wife, but my brother died due to addiction, My uncle died due to additiion, I've seen 3 people die due to addiction and misuse of meds and had my next door neighbor break into my home.

    It really comes down to if your not part of the solution to prescription med abuse your part of the problem, either by enabling, participating or doing nothing. If you wait long enough someone else will turn in your moms connection to he cops, not the doc. When this ladys' other customers get ****** they can't get their meds and are going through withdrawal or simply tired of getting ripped off or get tired of being gouged for meds that insurance pays for or the state pays for someone will turn her in.

    If she gets busted, your doc will be invesigated and you will loose your PM doc during the investigation.

    If you bring this to your docs attn, he can stop it before it costs him his practice and every other real CP patient looses their doc ue to the actions of the other patient and the people you live with and your own actions. Your the one suppluying the addict with the meds prescribed to you. You could even be arrested. If you boil it down to legal terms, Yor moms connection and you are part of a conspiracy to keep everyone in the house on dope and defrauding this doc into believing he's prescrbing meds to people that will act responsibly.

    Supplying any addict is enabling, you enable her to continue down a destructive path, It sounds like the marriage is shot as far as trust and respect so simply putting up with this for a place to live isn't worth it. Even if you still love this woman, giving her drugs to get high on won't satisfy an addict, she doesn't care that you go through withdrawal, If you cut her off, she will simply steal her moms meds, and when that's not enough she will find meds other ways or use alcohol to enhance them.

    Addicts will take everyone around them down to the bottom with them. Her bottom will be your bottom and you don't have an addiction problem other than living with one and enabling her. So I don't really understand the choice to stay. It is a choice, You may have to relocate, find a another doc, but that's better than the life your leading living with two addicts that have no concern for your problems because they have no concern for their own.

    You have a couple options, get counseling for yourself to find the strength to leave or to help your wife. Once your feeling stronger about your position than bring her into couseling if there is anything worth saving.

    Start going to Allanon meetings to learn how not to enable your wife and how nobody benefits from a codependent replationship. Obviously your mother is alive, so you do have an option for another place to live. Start looking for a room to rent or a roomate to share expenses. If your in a situation without income, use the recources of social services to find a place to live, provide food or medical insurance, whatever you need. If you are already recieving social security, look for a roommate and keep the meds quiet. Look for an elderly person looking for a companion if your able to help someone that is in a worse place functon wise than yourself.

    But as long as you stay, your risking that your wife won't be satisfied with anything you give her, so the next step is to hit moms supply, start doc shopping again, there are more than ER's out there that people use to get their meds. If she can't find more meds, alcohol will be an easy way to amplify the high, and that could kill her. So by enabling her to kill herself with alcohol and the meds YOU GIVE her, What do you think will hapen to the doc once the autopsy comes back and they find your meds in her system.

    I'm not saying just say no, I'm sayng, say no more of this insanity. 2 of he 3 people I know that died in the last year, were found to have enlarged hearts, 3-4 times the normal size, Most likely from repetitive withdrawal and the physical destruction it causes. People don't normally die from withdrawl, But the effects of doing it every month do have consequences, how much can your body take as far as high BP asociated with withdrawal, dehydration and the damage it does to your system.

    Grab that bottle of meds with the oher patients name on it and take it to your doc before he looses his licence over the actions of this patient. If the police find her, your doc will pay the price, and so will every other patient he treats, including yourself. If you allow him to handle things internally, nobody looses except the addict and the abusing patient. If you do nothing, your just as reponsable as any patiewnt selling or giving or trading their meds for a place to stay. That's what your doing. Trading meds for a place to stay and the rent keeps going up.

    How is this any different than a wife that stays in an abusive ralationship, some will stay untll the last beating kills them, Your situation is no different. Do you have High BP, heart problems, does any of that matter to your wife. Would it make a diference if you go through withdrawal one more time it may cause your death or land you in the hospital.

    The last guy that died from opiates had a system where he would use his 120 BT meds the first week, Use his month supply of LA meds the next two weeks and then use a shrink that prescribed Xanax to get through the 4th week.Obviously his sytem didn't work because the autopsy found that his heart was 4 times the size of a normal heart and this guy was 28 years old. The only excuse I can think of is the extreme strain of repetive withdrawal he went hrough every single month for several years.

    Anyway you look at it, your not part of the solution, Your surounded by addicts but put up with it and the constant fighting and monthly withdrawal, for a place to stay? Come on, You have no options for a few weeks to stay untill you can find a program to help you or find a rommate or a room for rent or even back to moms house untill you get this sorted out. If you have to relocate, folks here will help you find a new doc if at all possible.

    Just like you know, only your wife can help herself, Only you can say enough is enough. What's the difference between you and the woman your MIL gets her meds from. She sells her meds to pay her rent, You give your meds to an addict to have a place to stay? Untill your tired of living like this, there is no advice anyone can give aside from pointing out the obvious. How much are you supposed to suffer because you can't say no to a wife with a drug problem that nags you and cries?

    Or is it just easier to avoid a conflict and give her your meds and feed her addiction? Each month she will need more and more? I would have a hard time living witht he fact I was the one that gave my wife her last pills that ended her life. Do you think MIL will be suportive and keep you on or will you just work out some arangement with MIL so you can stay on and suport her habbit.

    You do have options and choices, Your presently chosing to enable your wife regardless of the cost and potential loss. You only have control over your own actions.

    I do feel for your situation, but I have also seen someone enabling every addict I have ever met, Your just the guy in the background imagining your hands are tied and you have to give her your meds. Start going to Alanon if you do nothing else, You won't feel attacked for letting an addict manipulate you, you will understand just how the addicts mind works and how easy it's been to minipulate you into giving a drug addict their drug of choice. That's crazy and as wrong as what she is doing.

    Good Luck, Dave

    Old 06-17-2005, 09:22 AM   #3
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    Re: My wife

    Dave doesn't beat around the bush when giving advice and I have to say I agree with everything he wrote. I also understand you are in a difficult situation but you are enabling it to keep occurring. I do feel for you and the situation your wife and mil have put you in but you have to look out for yourself.
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    Old 06-17-2005, 10:11 AM   #4
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    Re: My wife


    Thanks for the advice you are probably the most respected person on this board and you are right the only reason I give in is too shut her up and I dont really think she cares what it does to me she just figures I have to go through it so why shouldnt you I get the exscuse well at least you dont have to go to work I snagged the bottle with the other patients name on it and I am going to call my mom to see if she will go to my doc appointment with me next week for suppourt I appreciate you so much for just not telling me its totally your fault dummy people dont know unless they live it and I refuse to live it and be controlled anymore I love her with all my heart but at some point I think self preservation has to be the way too go any advice for me on how to talk to my doctor??

    Old 06-17-2005, 10:08 PM   #5
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    Re: My wife

    Hi bigtuna,

    I remember seeing your name before, but yes, it HAS been awhile. I also agree with Dave, and you obviously do also. It seems to me that you already had your mind made up before you posted, you just needed that little push. Luckily you got it from Dave, cuz, I'm a softie and he comes straight to the point. He has more devastating experience than I do where addiction is concerned. Sometimes the worst possible situation is the best teacher. You are right, you can't live they way you are living, if you want to live any sort of "normal" life. And like Dave said, you DO have options. You are lucky, you have your mom. Though she may not understand w/d, she loves you and will be there for you and she can learn from you while she is there to support you. Your mom will need to understand the seriousness of the situation, but she can do that while she's offering you support, and you can "teach" her while you become stronger from her support, and using your meds for you and not giving them to your wife.

    And, yes, continuous w/d can cause irreversible damage to your body. You don't want that. Those of us with CP have it hard enough without adding to our problems when it can be avoided.

    Also, bigtuna, may I gently suggest posting on the Addiction and Recovery forum here? I think that you may find some folks there that can relate intimately to what you are going through. I also agree with the Alanon, or NA (Narcotics Anyonymous) being very helpful. This way you'll be surrounded by people who have "been there".

    I'm not downplaying your situation by any means, and I can sympathize with your frustration. This woman is your wife and you love her. That puts you in a very vulnerable position. But you are hurting yourself by helping her and your post indicates that you very well know this.

    My son was addicted to heroin when he was a teenager. He is now 25. When I went to Texas to visit him for the Christmas holiday, he knew I used, at the time, Percocet for my pain and he was having some back pain and also in the middle of being dx'd with Fibromyalgia, which I also have. He would ask me for a couple of percs, "just to take the edge off". And he asked more than once. I KNOW it's difficult when it's someone you love or care about. Knowing about his previous addiction made it even harder, and he had a tough life, having two idiots for parents! Me and his idiot father. We divorced when he was 11 and he went through hell, and I carry a lot of guilt about that. So in a sense blame myself for him turning to heroin. But, I simply couldn't rob myself of my pain meds while possibly fueling a recurrance of his addiction, plus chance losing my PM priviledges after I've checked myself into the ER for w/d simply because I ran out of my meds early due to "feeling guilty" and caving in to my son's requests because I blame myself for being an idiot parent!

    DO post back here to keep us updated when you can. I can only imagine this is a lot to deal with right now and you are grasping for any thread of help you can find.

    I'm sorry that you are going through all this with someone you care about and obviously in a "tense" living situation on top of all that. Living with your MIL can't be easy for you. I couldn't do it! Sometimes life is a big ol' Jester, all dressed up and laughing at us and you just want to punch it in the face!

    Good luck and I hope things get smoothed out for you and you find a way to some peace soon so you can take care of you.

    Here's wishing you a good spirit,
    "We must be the change we wish to see in the world"
    Mahatma Gandhi

    Last edited by tkgoodspirit; 06-17-2005 at 10:41 PM.

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