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first 24 hours of wife being home

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Old 08-05-2006, 01:54 AM   #1
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first 24 hours of wife being home

Hi all. It's not going as good as we had hoped. I just don't have anything left to give. I feel like I could have a nervious breakdown at any time. Just today we went to pay some bills and I ask her if she would go into a store and buy some loose tobacco. We had bought it there before and she came out with cans that cost twice as much and she would'nt take them back so I got upset and came home. On the way home she had me pull over and said if she went home she would hurt herself. 5 minutes later she was better. I missed two doses of my methadone and now I'm in pain again. Anyone know how long it takes to build back up. Also I've noticed the past two weeks that I hear voices. It wakes me up as if someone in the room ask me a question, and then there is no one there.I can't make out any words. It's just scary. I also heard what I thought was a party going on outside and I went to look and there was'nt anyone around. Just sounded like a lot of mumbling to me. Any thought what cuold be doing this? I just feel like I don't can't handle one more thing without loosing it and right now my wife needs me and I'm not there. That makes me feel guilty. Any feedback is appricated. TEXASCRITTER

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Old 08-05-2006, 06:40 AM   #2
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

Hey Tex, Sorry to hear things aren't going as smooth as you hoped. Mariage is a too way street , even when both partners have a disability, illness or injury. It's not a competetition as to who w=il take care of who. You should be doing what you can for your wife and she should be doing what you can for her. If you seem to be the only one concerned about keeping the mariage together, that;'s a wrotten way to live. She has quite he upper hand if she knows you would do anythng for her and it doesn't flow both ways.

Sorry if I missed what was gooing on, my computer died, I bought a new one, then ooked up a LAN conection and spent 20 hours the next 3 days on the phone with tech support. If your wife just came home after treatment for depression or whatever... Sugesting she's going to kill herself on the way home because she isn't happy sounds like she left too early or neds to find a beter place to go to work on her problems.

THere is a medical term called secondary gain, this is when a peron uses their illness or condition to get what they want, to participoate in what they want and it's always the reasn you allow her to treat you in ways you would never even consider treating her. There is nothing worse thana relationship where one person would die for another and the other would gladly leyt you lay down you life for them. That type of power is something you oly find in lopsided relationships. Where your idea of love is entirely different than hers.

Sorry I don't know more about your wife, but as depresed as she may be about the way lfe has turned out, I imagine you are equally depressed. How we cope with that is an individual experience, but as much as you want to be there for her, If she loved you she would want to be there for you. There are things she can do like be your legs, and things you can contribute like manage the household acounts, money and duties to ease the burden on her but she can ease some of the physical burden placed on you. When both partners are ill in some way, it's not a competition as to who can do the least and who needs the most care.

You can't dope up with the intent of being able to satisfy any demand she makes or show of love she wants you to make. What happened to mariage being a partneship? I agree couples therapy is a must when life and dream altering events occur and thing start to feel like this wasn't the ride either one of you signed up for. This is where a a third party that has nothing to gain by taking sides can point out obvious problems, like the use of threats of suicide, the threat that she may leave at any minute despite every effort you make to appease her.

As far as the meds, Sleeping all day and auditory hulicantions are not comon side efefcts of meth. You should report these problems asap and look for a way to deminsish them or simply change meds to another pain med that doesn't cause these probelems. What your describing is side effects more severe and more impairinmg than the reaon your taking the meds in the first place. Sleeping all day and hulicanting doesn't sound like increaed quality oflife from using these meds. Worrying that if you fallalseep you wife wil eaverather than help you find the right meds, drive you to the doc when you to impaired to drive yoursself, isn't unreasonable either. Is't she supoosed t want to help you when you need her too?

Look into counseling, You reach a point where someone deserves to be happy and if you can never do enough, and she expects you to make all the effort to please her and meet her demands, nobody has the opportunity to ever be happy. As muuch as you may love someone, you can't make them love you and kill yourself in the process of trying to make her life better when your own life needs work. Soemtimes relationships are more toxic than healing and althoughit's hard to admi, better to move on now than spend another 20 years making up for something you have no control over. Resentement is a relationship killer and resentment for a partner becoming sick, disabled or injured and not being able to keep her on a pedestal you were once happy to shine on a daily basis is not a rational reason to resent someone.

She may not like what she hears in couples counseling, but at least it will unload the guilt of your own health issues and make her realize she still has an obligation towards you even in her time of need. Did you stop needing her help the day she became ill or whwtever the circumstances were, or did she expect her problems to be placed on the front burner and her happiness to be the number one issue you both strive to obtain. THat sounds pretty darn lop-sided too. What has she done for you lately if going back in the stoor is too much to ask, but expecting you to to work through suicide threats isn't.

It's wonderful you love your wife so much, but if those feeling aren't returned it's just a matter of time untill the resentment builds on your part when she is doing and saying things to you that you would never do or say to her. At least a couselor allows a third party to take a look at things and call a spade a spade and disapointment in her life plan doesn't equate to ruining her life.

Good luck and report the side effects to your doc asap. It doesn't sound like this med is helping and the cost seems to be a little too great when you have other alternatives.

Good luck, Dave

Last edited by Shoreline; 08-05-2006 at 06:49 AM.

Old 08-05-2006, 08:54 AM   #3
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

I am sorry to hear things are not going as well as planned. I think Dave gave some great advice and I'd echo that. I think couple counseling would be benificial for the two of you.

Additionally you need to let her psychiatrist know what she's doing in terms of manipulating you by threatening to commit suicide. I am sure the folks in the Depression forum may have some great advice as well so definately chat with them. I hate to say this but a family member of mine would play these types of mind games when they didn't get what they wanted. Because your wife does have a history of suicide attempts these must be taken seriously but additionally one should not give into the whims of an individual who does such things.

In regards to the "side effects" you are having the one thing that comes to mind is depression. You are under loads of stress, you are so worried that your wife won't be happy with you and have so much going on. Hearing voices is a sign of depression as is excessive sleeping (but I can say that methadone made me sleep excessively, 18 hours a day, so it could be a bit of both)

Do you currently see a counselor yourself? Are you on any medications for depression? Chronic pain in and of itself causes depression then add everything you are dealing with right now there's no doubt you're most likely depressed. I think it's important you find someone to talk to not only about your wife but about coping with the pain. It is essential in Pain Management to see someone, medications are not the only answer.

We as patients need to learn methods of how to cope with the pain and the stress as well as just need someone to talk to about the pain and the change in lifestyle. Please, if you aren't seeing a doctor currently do consider it. I think it will help you on many levels.

Marriage is a two way street and it is difficult at best when there's only one partner disabled but when there's two it's even more difficult. My husband and I were both having health issues at the same time (he suffers from Treatment Resistant Depression) but we love each other so much that we agreed that when one of us is having a tough day the other would do what they could to take care of them. If by chance we both had a bad day we agreed to just lay in bed and comfort each other in any way we could find.

Fortunately for me my husband had the VNS surgery for depression and is doing fantastic, the best he's done in years and it's really been amazing. Wouldn't it be wonderful if your wife benefited from the same type of treatment or help?

At any rate I do hope that things get better for you and don't hesitate to call your wifes doctor if even the smallest thing seems amiss. Anti-depressant medications do take a long time to actually build up in the system but additionally one needs to continue counseling. In a way Depression and Chronic pain are very similiar. Medication will help to control most of the symptoms but it does take a personal effort in the form of counseling or other modalities to to work on the issues that aren't "covered" by pain medications.

All the best, please keep us updated


Old 08-05-2006, 09:00 AM   #4
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

Hi Texas,
My heart goes out to you . Shoreline couldn't be more right. There is an extraordinary amount of wisdom in what he has said. I hope you do as he said and call your doc ASAP about those things you have been experiencing. I really am concerned for you. There is nothing I can add to what Shoreline just said. I hope you take everything to heart. Can you call her docs about what she has been like and voice your concerns ?
I'm praying that everything gets better for you. You deserve it. Take care, Sherri

Old 08-05-2006, 11:04 AM   #5
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

Dear Tex
I'm so sorry that things are not going well for you and the Mrs.. I can relate (on a MUCH smaller scale to what you are going through, as my husband has a back injury and so do I. For many years I took care of him and then when I got hurt I wasn't able to and he was still in pain (less than before thankfully) and he had to turn around and take care of me. It can be very difficult to keep a marriage together when you start feeling like a care giver instead of just a spouse.

First off - PLEASE contact your doctor ASAP and tell him about the voices, etc. you are experiencing. I don't know anything about the meds you take, but this is very alarming and needs to be dealt with immediately.

Now, on to what is going on with your wife. I don't know where she just came home from (I'm sorry I haven't read your other posts), but I am very concerned about a couple of things. One, that she will actually hurt herself and two that she is putting you through this. I am going to echo what Sherri, Barb and Dave have written so perfectly. You need to contact her doctors and let them know what is going on. Perhaps she came home much too early from wherever she was. Once it's decided is she should or shouldn't be home, counciling, as the others suggested, should be at the top of your list of priorities. Being in a couple where both have medical issues is very difficult. How did my hubby and I make it through? I honestly couldn't tell you. It was a lot of yelling, screaming, tears (on both sides) and sleepless nights hashing things out. All of tend to turn on the ones we love the most when we need to lash out and that's exactly what we did. Maybe it's because we expect them to listen and understand, maybe it's because on some level we want them to fix it, or maybe it's just because they are the ones that we are around most.

Your situation has very important issues that need to be addressed and now, before someone gets hurt. Please take what we are all saying seriously. We're concerned about you and want you to be safe.

Please keep us all posted as to how things are going. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Old 08-05-2006, 05:00 PM   #6
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

Hi dave. I just need to update you and clarify some things so you understand better. First it takes two to have the problems we have. I'm no saint. My wife is 20 years younger than I am. That causes problems in itself. She just turned 31. I'm more into just wanting to relax and I could stay home the majority of the time. She needs to be on the go. We don't have the money to even pay our bills less along go out and do things. She likes games, I don't. She has rarly been happy since I've known her. There is always something wrong medically with her. They are real things. She was born premature and alot that should have been taken care of when she was young we have spent the past nine years dealing with. We have tried marriage counseling several times without real suscess. We both have our own counselor and see them at least once a week. She always wants me to change who I am and what I believe. Her Idea of a marriage is different than mine. She has threatened suscide so many times I can't count. Only in the past 6 weeks has she actually tried. I caught her each time and she wound up in a mental instution. First time 4 days, this last time three and a half weeks. Her being young and in sexual heat and me not being anle to perform causes us problems too. Doctors so far can't figure out my problem. I feel like she is taking advantage of being bi-polar. I of course have my own problems and i just don't have the energy to deal with both of our problems. All in all I'd say she loves me more than I love her. My feeling have slowly disappeared over the years and resentment has set in due to always having to deal with her problems. I'm at the point where I just don't care about anything. She is much more willing to work on our marriage than I am. Her family and I don't get along. They blame me for all her problems. Lastly, my wife does'nt drive. She has panic attacks. I had her in counseling for that over a year without any improvement. I have to take her anywhere she wants or needs to go. I refuse to take the blame for her not driving. It was a problem before I ever met her. She won't even make a phone call to help herself. She will wait till I do it or it does'nt get done. If a waitress brings her the wrong meal she just lets it go. I'm just the oppisite of her. I get things done. You would think she would be sitting here on the computer trying to learn about her disease. I have tried without suscess to get her to be a part of this board. She is'nt interested. Sorry it was so long. Hopefully this will give you some insite into where I'm coming from. Thanks for replying. TEXASCRITTER

Old 08-05-2006, 05:06 PM   #7
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

Hi barb. Please read my answer to daves reply and then write me back. It tells the whole story so you will understand better. Thanks for replying TEXASCRITTER

Old 08-05-2006, 06:10 PM   #8
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

I don't think there are many saints that i have met in life. That being said i think you are not taking care of yourself as you need to. The stress is piling up along with some other things. Perhaps the voices are side effects or perhaps it is that you might be at the breaking point. We are only human and can only handle so much. I can understand how draining it must be to care for someone for years and go through medical problem after problem and not really feel like you get anywhere. You missing your meds is not good for either of you. But I also think she needs to take some responsibility for herself as well. I don't want to be the harsh one or the one who sounds cold and callous nothing is further from the truth on that. And I know Bipolar stinks it is my boulder on the back so to speak as well. But there comes a point where either you fall off the abyss or you walk the other way. Only she like me can make that choice. I would never want to see anyone fall over the edge or anything like that. And I wonder what really is at the root of why she is like that? It is not insinuating anything but what triggers her to those points kind of deal. Take care of you Tex! I wish I was more helpful other then the fact I do send hugs and blessings that things will become not only clear to you but better. I think deep down you have the answer to what needs to be done. You just have to search for it and listen to it.


Old 08-07-2006, 09:36 AM   #9
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Re: first 24 hours of wife being home

The voices thing - can you hear them clearly? Is it all the time or only when you lie down?

I hear something like a radio broadcast in my head - music, a dj, etc. But only when I lie down - and not every night. Cannot hear any distinct words, just mumbling. I think it has to be something in my ears somehow. Doctors don't seem worried about it at all.

Does schizophrenia run in your family?

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