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  • Husband has No Life???

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    Old 01-03-2007, 09:40 AM   #1
    jaguar63122
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    Husband has No Life???

    Hello all....I have written before trying to do what is right by my husband. He is a chronic pain suffer(failed back syndrome). He is on Oxy and Methadone, and seems to have given up on life. I know he truely is in pain, but I can't see our lives going on like they have been for another 3 years. My husband does not work. He does not help around the house. He does not help to grocery shop. He doesn't mow the lawn, or do anything to help me in our daily lives. I work 50 hours a week. Take care of our 6 year old daughter, and take care of all home duties. I carry 100% responsibilities of carring for the family and making sure things are done. My husband sleeps till about 11:00 am and then goes back to bed around 1:00 pm. Then he gets up at 3:00 to get daughter off bus, and then takes her back to bed. I get home at 6:00pm and get daughter up. He then wakes up at 10:00pm, when I am going to bed, and then goes to bed an hour or 2 later. If he drops something on the floor, he leaves for me to pick up. He will sleep all day and leave the dogs in. So when I come home I have some "surprises". We have not had relations in over 3 years due to medications. My husband even will not get out of bed to use the bathroom. He has a bottle beside the bed in which he illiminates himself during the night. I want to be a supportive wife, but I feel like my husband is drowning, and pulling me down with him. Reason for posting is...everyone that I read seems like they are functioning in life with pain. Trying to have relations. Doing housework to help out. Most even seem to be trying to work , or atleast get better. I truely believe my husband might be jealous of my life, and is actually doing thinks to make my life harder. I feel like me staying in this relationship is actually contributing to his demise. Maybe if I wasn't around to do everything he would have to take on some resonsibility. I don't want to be labeled as the woman who left her husband because he is in pain or can't function like he use to. I have been 100% supportive, and need something from my husband to show he wants more than he has now and is willing to fight for it. He has just layed down to die, and no one can change it. Do I sound unreasonable? I feel that I have the responsibility to take care of the family now, and I want him to feel responsible to try and help me out by maybe making dinner and taking that burden off of me daily. Is that to much to ask? Can someone be in so much pain that they cant even give you an hour or 2 a day of help? Sorry to vent..but I need your perspectives...I have an appointment with a lawyer next Tuesday. I don't want to desert my husband, but due to the medicine, depression, or pain I can't stand my life anymore. He can afford to shut down because i go for him, but I can not because I have a 6 year old daughter to take care of. My husband has become mean and distant, and when I truely look into his face I no longer see the man I fell in love with. I see a worn down man with no drive to live. I've offered counceling. I've offered to take to specialist. He see's nothing wrong, and feels this is the best his life can be. Sorry so long....
    Thanks again..jaguar

     
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    Old 01-03-2007, 12:22 PM   #2
    Rrector
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Hi Jaguar: [removed] Give him six months to make some changes in his life and if he doesn't begin divorice procedings. You maybe would want to his doctor first, to find out for yourself if there is something going on with him you don't know about, but I don't think there is anything you can do at this point. It sounds to me like he is severely over medicated and likes it that way.

    Without turning this into a book, let me tell you a couple things. I have been on Social Security Disability for three years now for chronic pain problems. I have had lung surgery, where they removed a beign tumor the size of a small orange in the top lobe of my left lung. I have nerve pain from that, described as chest wall pain, where the nerves have not regenerated correctly. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, where I have almost constant pain and diarrhea to the point sometimes I can't leave the house some days.

    With all this and not working (my wife does) I do all the cooking, shopping, pay the bills, take care of all insurance, the cars, and everything else which involves the house and our lives. I am on 180 mg of Methadone per day, but I get up with my wife every morning at 5:30 and fix her breakfast and lunch and get her off to work. I usually will have her lunch made the evening before, so all I have to do is put it in her lunch bag and it's ready. What I'm saying is I do pretty much everything around the house. My wife comes home from work at 5:00 and we sit down to eat dinner, which I have prepared at 5:30. We do tend to go to bed fairly early because we're both tired and we get up fairly early during the week. We do go to bed together. I do not sit up and watch TV and then go to bed at 1:00 AM.

    I guess I'm telling you all of this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you there are better alternatives out there. You deserve better. Hubby may be in pain, but so am I and I still manage to do some of the things that need to be done in our lives. You work, so you shouldn't have to do everything at home too. If you lived with just your daughter, you would have one less to worry about and care for each day. Give it some thought and then let us know what you think is the best path to follow. Most of us on this board, although in pain, do manage to function, at least to a certain degree.

    Good luck to you.

    Last edited by HBMod07; 01-11-2007 at 09:31 AM. Reason: inappropriate comment

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 01:47 PM   #3
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Hi Jaguar, has he ever gone for any psychological treatment or has he always refused. Has he ever been on any anti-depressants. Seems like a long time to be so inactive. I've been thru periods like that from failed back syndrome. I've never had any luck with anti-depressants but I always seem to pick my self up enough to get up and function to the best of my ability. I am also disabled and the stay at home dad, but I guess I've kept my wife happy enough to stay with me. I help out as much as possible, I do most of cleaning and housework. I also do shopping. I don't enjoy doing this type of stuff as much working at my old job but it keeps me busy enough to not be severly depressed. I also need to rest after doing things for short periods but everyone needs something to keep themselves from getting depressed. Your husband also needs to socialize and get a new hobby. Maybe you can tell him your gonna leave him if he dosn't get his act together. Try telling him in a nice way that he has to try or your gone. Maybe he just needs a big shove.You know being so inactive only makes your chronic pain worst. I've had three separate back surgeries over the course of 7 years. This last one was the straw that broke the camels back and I am the camel. I've struggled to pick myself up enough to survive. I take perc for pain and can't even get the doctors to prescribe me anything else. I hurt like crazy but I've found sitting around all day only makes it worst.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 01:53 PM   #4
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    I agree wholeheartedly with Director.

    I am on 80mg/day Methadone for chronic pain. I am fortunate enough to work, as does my wife. We share duties around the house and with things like bill paying, etc. I do alot of the driving the kinds here there and everywhere.

    Most pain docs are looking for their treatment to improve the patient's functionality. I haven't heard of a pain doc who will settle for therapy that leaves a patient in your husband's condition. It definitely seems like his dose is way too high.

    He needs a wake-up call. I think Director's idea to give your husband a time-frame within which to make changes is very good.

    You've hung in there by yourself long enough. You need help and he needs to give it to you. It sounds to me like you are suffering more from his pain than he is.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 01:53 PM   #5
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    being a care-giver is extremely hard, especially when the person you're caring for does very little to help himself. Just out of curiousity.....how was he before the pain? did he help around the house? participate in the relationship? do things to make your life easier? It almost sounds like he could be using it as an excuse to be lazy, and on the other hand, he most certainly sounds depressed. Either way, you can't let him take you down with him. I know you've been supportive, but at this point, even you are questioning whether all that support has just been enabling him to continue on his miserable existance. Have you ever told him how you feel? I think you need to! I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. And if you leave him, don't feel bad, you want the best for your daughter. I wouldn't blame you.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 02:12 PM   #6
    jaguar63122
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Thanks for all your responses. My husband used to be different. We did everything together..gardening...yardwork....movies ..dinner. Now he doesn't even take tiime to get dressed an shower. He takes depression medicine, but refuses to seek mental health help. I however have. He knows how I feel and tells me he doesn't blame me if I want to file for divorce. Again ..I feel this is a way to make me feel guilty. I he really cared how I felt..he would put forth effort to change. Thats all I want is help and a somewhat normal relationship. His family has even done an intervention with him about 4 months ago. I came home and he promised to get help. Well that never happened. One other thing is that he will not let me go to the DR. with him. And threatens that I never call him. I don't believe that he is being honest with the DR., and the DR thinks his life is more productive than it really is. I'm going to try and talk one last time. Wish me luck!!!! Thanks again!

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 03:07 PM   #7
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Sounds like you've got it figured out. Maybe you should insist that you go to the doctor with him. The doctor needs to know how he is behaving.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 03:14 PM   #8
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Hey Jaguar: You say he refuses to let you go to the doctor with him. Is there any reason you can't make your own appointment with the doctor? Tell them you are very concerned about his well being and need to talk with the doctor. If he isn't being honest and up front with his doc, I think the doctor needs to know. I also think (as I stated before) that you husband is severely overmedicated and that is a large portion of his problem. Nobody sleeps 20 out 24 hours each day, unless they're recovering from major surgery or something and are heavily sedated.

    If you don't get anywhere "talking" to him, I still think giving him a six month time frame to straighten his life out is fair. Don't waste your own life (not to mention your six year old daughter's), if he isn't at least willing to try to make some changes. You need to find out from his doctor if there is something besides the obvious you don't know about!

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 04:05 PM   #9
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Hi Jaguar~
    OMG! Sorry but I just had to pick myself up off of the floor after I read this one. I agree with Director as well...and have some other thoughts that I sure cant post here. You and your daughter have lives to live and if he chooses to play games and act the way he has been, then he will have to suffer the consequences.
    If someone told me to go ahead and divorce them, I would have burned a hole through the floor getting out the door and doing it to let them know that I dont need their pity, and get on with my life. What more do you want him to tell you? If he cant be honest with you then you are better off.
    Im sorry, and dont want to sound harsh, but I am 44 yrs old, have one biological son who is 11, whose dad lives 4 hours away and I drive him there every weekend and pick him up again after the weekend. Two others ages 5 and 8 that we have pretty much all of the time, due to their mothers death last summer, and I run my rear off all day!
    A typical day for me is get up at 6 am, get everyone up and ready for school while hubby is getting ready for work, breakfast, then drive everyone to school, come home start laundry after the beds are made, do the dishes, pay bills, pick up and clean and do the daily chores, ect. Then run dogs to vet appts, groomers, grocery shop, ect. And this is a 6 bedroom house! I do have someone who comes in one day a week to do the heavy cleaning like tubs, showers, ect. Which Im greatful for.
    I also work out of my home online selling designer bags and clothing and have packages to pack up, get out,ect. And not to mention the phone ringing off of the hook all of the time too. Pick kids up at 3 pm from school, bring home make snacks, ect. start dinner, and believe me my hubby is wonderful! He helps with everything he can. And after dinner is the dishes, homework, baths, bed, refereeing kids arguments, ect. then fall into bed at midnite. So when I have a bad day, it sucks, but I keep going. If you lie and moan and dope yourself up so you dont feel anything, you are going to be worthless.
    Pain meds enable me to be a wife, mother, friend, and live a wonderful life. Much better than when I didnt have them and the help.
    Of course there are days that id like to lie around some extra, and when I dont have all of the kids, I take a guilty couch movie, ect, but never more than that or sleeping in once in a while.
    Im not tooting at all, either, just want to say that i do a plenty and from the other posts that have been written, you can see that it doesnt have to be how you are living in your home. Give him a time frame, thats fair. But also give yourself one. You and your daughter deserve better than what hes giving. Hope I didnt offend you, I was a single mom for 8 yrs with a baby working 4 jobs. You can do it, if its what you decide to do!!!:
    Let us know how things go, Ill be thinking of you
    xoxoxoxo
    IZZY'SMOM

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 05:00 PM   #10
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Jaguar, I was wondering what you meant when you said he was on oxy and methadone. Do you mean he is on oxycontin or oxycodone for break through pain. Also what kind of doctor is treating him, is it a pain management doctor.
    What has your husband been thru as far as treatment. If he is under pain management then they should be taking a multi-disciplinary approach which is more than just medicating someone. I just hate to see you pack your bags and run because you have a daughter involved. I know everyone has been saying to leave him but maybe we don't have all the info to be the judge of that either. I kinda feel for the guy because I know what he is going thru. I've been thru a lot and although I barely pulled myself out I see how I could have easily slipped into his shoes. I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave if this keeps up just that maybe it would help to talk about it. Maybe he just has a problem with being overmedicated. That would not be totally his fault as I would put some of the blame on the doctor. That would also explain why he dosn't want you to go to the doctor with him. Maybe he dosn't want to take the chances of getting his medications reduced because he is addicted.
    This is something that with the doctors help you could get him into rehab. I am not saying that this is definitely the case but for your daughters sake I think you need to talk to that doctor and your husband. In sickness and health till death do you part. Even drug addiction is a sickness which can happen to a lot of people with chronic pain.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 05:45 PM   #11
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Good points, but there is a reason that he doesnt want you to talk to the doc. And if he is seriously addicted, and depressed then he wouldnt want the both of you to ever come face to face for fear that he may be overmedicating himself for whatever reasons, ect. Maybe its his way to cope, or he is so depresed that he doesnt care. For what its worth, I hope that everything can work out, and thats why we are here is to let you vent and hopefully help you out. Its going to be your decision no matter what, so thats the bottom line.
    xoxoxox
    IZZY'SMOM

    Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 01-03-2007 at 05:56 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2007, 06:52 AM   #12
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    Thanks everyone. My husband has been going to a pain specialist for over 3 years now. (Dr. he even has a book out) I used to go to the Dr. with him at first, but with working and getting off it was hard. I think he feels that the DR. will take him off some medicine if I tell him my concerns. I think he fears the pain. And for that I feel sorry for him. He says he will not try another surgery because it is so painfull. He has had 2 fusions. He takes oxycotin and methadone together and nothing for breakthru. He also takes Serequel, Nortryptiline, Lexapro, and Clanazapam. When he first started treating he tried antidepressants at first with low doses of oxy because of research he has done with certain antidepressants. He used to take Hydrocodone 7.5 for breakthru, but the DR. stopped that???? The Dr. tested him about 6 months ago, and he didn't have any of either drug (oxy/meth) in his system. He took it all early and would run out. So Dr. threatened to fire him if it ever happened again. He has been tested 3 times since and been fine. He is scared to run out so he does take them right now. Last night went home to talk my concerns over with my husband, since he initiated yesterday morning that he knew I was unhappy and wanted to try and make things work. So I came home yesterday with my plan on what I needed from him. I came home to husband in bed, child in bed. My husband did not get up until after I had gone to bed at 10:00 pm. Neither did he do one thing to the house yesterday to help me out. He left his usual, little debbie wrappers on the floor and filled up ashtray. My bitterness comes form the fact if I let the groceries get low or behind on laundry, I am called the laziest woman he has ever met! But I have to come home and look at this everyday. Problem is, once again..that I let this go on to advoid arguments. I want to help my husband, but I think I have allowed what I have go on to long for him to change. I think he feels its my job. Anyways...sorry to be so down, but it is hard to be in a situation like this. When I met my husband he was fine. Had and injury about 6 months into dating, and I stayed by him through surguries, helped pay his bills, and even married him knowing that life would be more limited....but this is not what I seen for my future. Don't mean to turn this into a pity party....truely am looking to help my husband. Can I contact the DR. and know that he will not talk to my husband about meeting or talking to me? Will he keep that private? Is it ok to ask that my husband take on responsibilities like cooking and dishes daily? Should he be able to handle that you think? I now realize that people in worse shape than him...are doing alot better and contributing alot more. I am now realizing that I truely am being used to an extent, and it needs to stop one way or the other. Thanks again for listening and helping! jaguar

     
    Old 01-04-2007, 07:44 AM   #13
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    Hi Jaguar

    Just read both your posts. First of all, my husband and I both have fibromyalgia. What My hubby dosen't have is severe chronic back pain 24/7 that I have. He has terrible muscle pain. I have been like this for 6 yrs or so now. I have been seen by many doctors and mri's till i'm blue in the face, and all want to do spinal fusion or cage. I have chronic spasms constantly and would wish my back pain on NOBODY! I work two jobs. One Tues-Friday, from 5:30am till 10:00, then I go to my other job in the spa all day, Tuesday thru Sat. late nights Thrus-Friday. The spa is a new job I started and left another salon, started in August folowing my hysterectomy and bladder lift, abdominal incision. I cannot at this point because of money, not work. My hubby retires from his job in 3 yrs. In the Spa I do waxing, non-stop manicures and pedicures which take a toll on this body! I am 45. For me to sit here and read that your hubby can't even pick up after himself kills me, I want to explode! Your hubby is majorly depressed and lazy. More lazy I am guessing. The only pain medicine I am on is ultracet. And I had to pull teeth to get it. I live in upstate NY, and doctors here don't believe in pain meds for some reason. I have been to many pain management doctors, recently had a lumbar epidural, thought I had finally found the right doctor, then divorced him for his lack of compassion and miss informing me when I asked about pain after procedure. And it's sad cause he is the one that put me on ultracet. The injection helped maybe 10%. I need two more. I am looking for pm now, to hopefully keep me on meds. YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE IN THERAPY TOO. I would have a cow and a half if my hubby was not cleaning my house, cooking, laundry, childcare, yard work etc, if he were home all day! The fact he is on pain meds and lexapro, then he should be able to help out, and I think it's crap! I would not cater to him, have a firm talk with him, show him where the door is. Honey, you have been supportive enough on your part. Give it rest and settle this once and for all. You are gonna wind up physically sick from being in this situation! You are depressed yourself because of him. I am telling you this because there are some days, I can't even barely get out of bed, but force myself because I have to. Did I mention I clean my house too on top of this? My hubby does the laundry and other things. My kids are grown, one lives in Delaware and the other home, but she helps out too. I also care for the dog. I actually, because of chronic pain, (shoulders neck included, muscle pain) pull up in my driveway and try to figure out what is the best way to get out of my car because I am in tears after a long day. Sneezing kills my back, I have allergies. I have to position my self a certain way cause I know the pain is coming hard with a sneeze. I hope this letter opened your eyes to all of us who have to work and live with chronic pain. Go and kick him in the butt and tell him to stop crying self pity and be a man and take some resposibility. In the meantime I will pray for you, take care , Tammy

     
    Old 01-04-2007, 08:55 AM   #14
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    I do agree that this is a very difficult situation your husband is putting you in, but there may be more that can be done for him on your part. Several people here seem to think you should dump him because they have gone thru a lot and yet they still seem to work. If they can still work than they are obviously not severe enough for their doctors to take them out of work. Not to say that you can be totally disabled and still function but everyone and every situation is different. For all of those who are still working I pat you on the back. Remember you said that he was not always like this. You should try and make things right wether you chose to stay with him or not. If I were you I would make that doctor appointment and go see the dr behind his back if he does not allow you to go see him together. The doctor needs to know how dysfunctional your husband has become. Remember that this is a tough thing to except and along with the severe pain one has to accept the fact that they are going to have severe pain for the rest of their life which in turn causes severe depression. This only complicates the situation further. I am will to bet that the doctor has no idea how dysfunctional your husband has become and your husband does not want to let him know because he thinks at this point only medication is the answer. Your husband needs a multidisciplinary approach to pain management and treetment for depression. The doctor is the only one that may be able to accomplish this but he needs to know what is really going on. What about other procedures, has he ever been recomended to have further surgery, spinal stimulator, implanted pain medicine pump to deliver low doses of pain med to problem area. You need to help him any way you can regardless of what he wants and regardless of the results. At least you will feel better about yourself if you decide to leave him.
    You also said you have not had relations in three years because of the doctor. This is an issue that causes a lot of stress on your relationship and needs to be addressed with the doctor. It may or may not be a result of the medications he is on and can be resolved. Good luck and keep us updated

     
    Old 01-04-2007, 11:21 AM   #15
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    Re: Husband has No Life???

    This is more than a pain issue i for one am in the group than is unable to work. I have had two failed fusions myself and live with excruciating pain on a daily basis.
    The difference is that the fights me and my husband have is me overdoing it to try and take the burden off of my husband. Most of us find ourselves feeling useless and want ways to help our spouses so we end up doing more than we should.
    I think you have a case of someone totally giving up on life with a good case of lazy thrown in.
    Dr. Phil has a saying that " we teach people how to treat us" and it sounds like he learned early on that you would always pick up the slack ( pay the bills, take care of the house, raise your daughter).
    There is an issue of the privacy law that might prevent you from getting much info from his doctor even though you are his wife.You can try however.
    I think after this many years you have given it all you have got its not like he got hurt and you ran at the first sign of discomfort.

    I would have a rational conversation where I gave him a timeline that said by this date I need this to happen and by this date I need that to happen ( baby steps) and if he didn't meet those changes I would leave.
    This might spark him to realize you mean business. If not then you did all you could and you deserve better. I'm not saying you deserve someone not injured but someone who loves you enough to give 100% even if their 100% is much less than yours due to their disability.

    Hope this helps. you are in a difficult situation Good luck. You are a strong woman for all you have been through most women would have caved under the pressure.

    Lisa

     
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