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  • Help I am at the end of my rope...

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    Old 04-19-2010, 04:49 AM   #1
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    Help I am at the end of my rope...

    Hi everyone,
    I have been a member for a couple years now. I have so many things wrong and the list keeps getting longer and longer each time I go to the doctor, any doctor. Let's see so far I have been diagnosed with:
    IC (Interstiatial Cystisis)
    Chronic Pain
    Buldging Disc in spine more than one
    Bone spurs growing on my spine
    Spinal stenosis
    and there's more I can't remember it all.

    Any one of these on there own is very painful so all of them put together is near unbearable. I am so depressed. I thought life was going to be a little different than what I am experiencing right now. Doing the least little thing exhausts me to no end. I am on pain mgmt and it helps but what they give me does enough to make me I guess comfortable not functional and I very much want to be functional. I had a brain tumor as well and had that taken out in July. No cancer thank god! However, since the surgery things have gotten worse. Now I am to the point where I am always having trouble walking, last week I had a couple days I could barely dress myself. I am only 36 years old. What am I going to do? They have me on Perc and Oxy and I know we can't discuss dosages but I know I need a larger dosage of my long acting since I always need the breakthrough meds. I am going to have the epidural shot done soon so I am hoping that will help I had the lumbar shots done two rounds and they didn't help at all. I also have numbness in my feet and legs, arms and hands, swelling in my legs and hands. I have two kids 11 and 8 and they still need me to get them to school. That alone exhausts me for the day. I don't know what to do. My husband thinks I am this druggie. I am not, I want to function, want to get things done, I want to have a clean home, run errands things normal people do. I don't want to be on the meds but if I am not than I do nothing at all but cry and scream it is so bad. I can't live like this, I just can't. I need some support. Someone who understands what this is like. Day in and day out. No one understands. They say a lot of people have pain. NOT ALL THE TIME! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Some days i think my family would be better off without me, without having to deal with a half-a** mom and wife. If there was a light at the end of the tunnel it would be so much easier to deal with. I feel like I am in hell on earth with no way out. What can I do? I have tried almost everything and am still working with many doctors on my different problems. I am trying I am not sitting here doing nothing, it seems everything I do makes things worse not better. I am in MD anyone else here or nearby that has a great doctor? Any advice would be great at this point. I can't go on like this. I just can't.

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    Old 04-19-2010, 07:14 AM   #2
    Myofascial Pain
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    Exclamation Re: Help I am at the end of my rope...


    I commiserate and empathize with your pain... if you read my blogs you know I have shared the same thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now.

    Some mornings I wake up and wonder why would God do this to me... Just when I got my depression to a manageable point... All the sudden I get in car accident that I wasn't driving and its wasn't my driver's fault, so I wasn't irresponsible in that choice, so why is this happening to me?!? I know I am a good person, with a good heart and yet I feel like I am being punished.

    From reading your posts I can see you are a good person too.. so why is it these burdens are being piled upon us? Maybe its just because there is a need for us... a need for good people that can empathize and understand and help others get through their trials. That's the only sensible reason I can come up with.

    But the price we have to pay... and though it does my heart good knowing I can help someone going through the same struggles... it just doesn't seem fair. The price seems too high, for what little we get back in rewards.

    Right now, you need to find a way to care for yourself above all others. Even if it means isolating yourself from the ones you love... It is not an easy or painless or fair option but it is probably your best and maybe your only option. One hard lesson I had to learn is caring for oneself first and foremost isn't selfish its an act of love. It is love by lifting the worries of the people who love you by taking care of your needs as only you can. They can't understand or grasp what is going on in your life so they can't see to your needs, only you can do that because you are the only one who truly grasps what you need to make sure your needs are being met.

    Personally, in your situation I would consider getting away to a clinic and getting some psychological therapy to start. Right now you are in a maelstrom of emotional chaos and you need to find a stable shelter from the storm before you can move on to making rational decisions on how to cope with all the physical pain you are enduring on a daily basis.

    I know myself that my moments where I lack focus are more often due to the blinding pain than a side effect of the medications. But I know that's not how my lack of focus is perceived by those around me. They have no concept of the pain and can't even imagine how bad the pain is because they have never experienced it like we have. So they attribute it all to the medications. Yes, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy but don't you sometimes wish they could feel just for one day what you feel so they could understand what you face on a daily basis?

    Really, the most love you can show to the ones you love right now is to take care of you. And know its not a selfish choice and there is nothing to feel guilty about because you are doing it out of love.

    I'm here and so are many others that care and love you just from experiencing you here. If you need any specific advice, don't hesitate to ask. You are worth it and we wouldn't invest our time and energy if you weren't, so obviously you are worthy. These boards and this world would be an emptier and less bright place without you so don't give up. This world would be so diminished without you. You are that precious and important.

    Always know, you are precious, important, worthy and loved.


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    Old 04-22-2010, 01:43 AM   #3
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    Re: Help I am at the end of my rope...


    They say all the bad things happen to good people. I also don't understand why it happened to me. I've stopped asking god why it happened to me. I just ask myself why it and why me.

    I'm more or less your age. I'm 39. Had chronic pain for the last 5 years and it's in the NECK. I cannot rest my neck on the PILLOW and REST without taking percocet or oxycontin. Can you imagine living like that?. I would give all the gold and the money in the world(if I had any)to ONLY being able to rest in peace and rest my neck on the pillow. There are days I'm losing my mind. This forum is the only place that keep me going, I'm telling you. I'm glad there is OXYCODONE. I don't know what I would have done without it to be really honest with you. I don't understand why I had to be involved in this car accident, what have I done to deserve it. All my life people told me "your're such a good person", what that helped me. I'm dying to be able to sleep for 8-9 hours, like before the accident - it's my dream. Rarely I get a sleep of 7 hours a night and then I feel so much better and can deal better with the pain and need less pain meds.

    ok, enough for the ranting here. I apologize. Just so you won't feel alone. I'm on 40mg oxycontin. my doctor has told me it's pretty high and so quickly. What I'm trying to say is everyone is needs a different amount of pain meds and it also depends on the location, the severeity of the pain etc. That's what I've learnt in here.

    If your doctor doesn't understand you need to look for another one period. all right? Generally speaking, they have to increase your dosage if there is a reason to it cause the body get used to the narcotic pain meds and that's how it goes.

    I wish you all the best.

    Last edited by nochange; 04-22-2010 at 01:45 AM.

    Old 06-30-2010, 10:03 PM   #4
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    Re: Help I am at the end of my rope...

    yea, it sounds like your in the dumps. we all feel bad at times, for me its all the time. so, what do ya do? Thank GOD for all the good that is in your life. And be thankful for it all.

    Old 07-01-2010, 11:55 AM   #5
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    Re: Help I am at the end of my rope...


    I want you to know that there alot of people who have pain all the time. I DO. My surgeon informed me that I will live with some degree of pain for the rest of my life. You aren't the only person who has pain.

    No doctor will ever prescribe enough meds to toally take away your pain. If they can get it down to a manageble level, that is their goal. The goal is never for you to be pain free, just for it to be under control.

    My back broke after my 3 level fusion and I had to have another surgery. the pain is so bad some days that I would like to chew my leg off. But I decided that the pain wasn't going to rule my life, I was going to control the pain. So I take the memds, grit my teeth when I have to and I go on. It's a choice you have to make.

    Have or are you being treated for depression? I think that you would feel alot different if you got that under control. You needd to learn to accept what you have and deal with it and move on. I know that sounds hard, but sometimes that's what we have to deal with.

    keep your chin up....

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