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asian wife 09-05-2011 02:49 PM

Please help me and my husband
 
My husband got an accident and damaged his nerve on the face when he was 16 years old . It was just above his left eye. Since then, he has been suffering with his severe headache and seems like getting worse. He is 37 years old now. About 6 years ago, just before I met him, he and his family went many many doctors and tried so many pain medication, but they could not find any good solutions. Only the medicine that worked was Depakote, but he does not feel good, if he takes it. He said that if he takes it, he gets grumpy. So he stop taking it. Doctor told him that if he try surgery, he has more than 50% chance of losing one of his eye sight and maybe he cannot move half of his face. So they did not try it.

Now what he is doing is using marijuana. He tried to hide it from me, so I don't really know how much he smokes, but I think daily use. Now he cannot pass any drug test and he cannot get a job. He los motivation to find a job. I have never uses marijuana in my life, so I have no idea how much it costs, what it does to him, but he might be using almost $1000 in a month...at least I can tell that about $1000 is gone every month and he does not want to tell me where it went.

Recently he is getting paranoid a lot and blame over something it does not even exist. For example, he blamed me, because he believes that I was cheating on him, or he believes that I set bugs in the house or somthing..it is almost crazy. I am getting tired of his crazy behavior, but also if this is because of his headache/marijuana use, maybe I can help him somehow.

Is there any good medicine that has been approved after 2006 for nerve damage pain? that is only the chance that I can talk with him. He basically does not even discuss about it with me, because he is so afarid that I will take marijuana away from him. In our state, marijuaa is illegal. Now he is divorcing me, because he believes that I cannot accept the fact that he is using marijuana.

I don't know what to do. I just want to help him.
Where should I go?
Sorry about my poor English. English is not my first language...

Brokend 09-08-2011 10:29 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
There are several medications form nerve pain. Neurontin and Lyrica are a few.

Marijuana shouldn't be making him go crazy, and it certainly does not cost $1000 a month. Unless he is smoking all day and all night...

You might want to see if he is using meth. His behavior that you described is pretty much the same as a meth addict, and he could easily be spending $1000 a month on it.

For his eye issue, I'd just see a specialist. If a doctor cannot or will not help, then find another doctor that will.

Shoreline 09-08-2011 11:39 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Hi Asian Wife. A couple things dont really make sense. Your husband says he cant stand the way depakote makes him feel and this causes him to be grumpy. Well what is the pot doing to his peronality, Paranoia, cant find a job, not that you have the motivation to look when your stoned all the time. He seems pretty willing to sit back and let you support him and his pot habbit. He somehow managed to function untill you came along? 1000 dollars a month on weed is a lot of money and a lot of weed. Personally I can't imagine smoking that much, he and his 2 buddies would have to smoke the best most expensive stuff he can find 24 hours a day. This is better than depakote? The weed will prevent him from not only finding a job but finding a pain management doc. Pm docs aren't going to be OK with the weed and wont treat him if he chooses to self medicate with weed. The way he's acting, the paranoia is a side effect from smoking, most of the other iratic behavior is from smoking too. I just dont get how being grumpy is worse. I certainly believe it's important to support our spouses, but you can still set limits and expectations. Staying home smoking 250 worth of weed a week isn't an exceptable treatment method for several reasons. Good luck, Dave

asian wife 09-08-2011 07:34 PM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Thank you, Brokend and Shoreline.

OK, sounds like marijuana does not cost that much...and where the over $1000 goes? He always stays at home, never goes out. Does not look like he bought something, because I don't see new stuff around him...I have no idea. Meth? What does it do?

He is so paranoid and also very unhappy/angry all the time.
He is always looking for the reasons to blame/accuse me, even though I am paying all the living costs, supporting him. He yells at me, because I don't give him the access to my bank account. He does not feel that I am supportive to him, because he believes that I cannot accept his marijuana habit.

I don't care about marijuana ( maybe i care...), I more care about his mental and physical condition and financial condition. It just looks so unreasonable and irational what he says. He thinks everything is very logical and the reason why I don't get it is because of my English skill. I am working in American company and I have no problem communicating with my co-wokers/supervisor. I know my English is not perfect, but I can communicate.

He was not like that when he had a job. I think he was smoking marijuana at that time,too, but he was not that irrational. He was somehow reasonable. Now he is totally unreasonable.

Maybe he is stressed out because of jobless stiation or everyday headache?
He is very skilled IT person, so if he wants to find a job, there is always something. May not pay good, but he does not have to make big money, because I am making quite a good money. I don't want to see him so unhappy, always grumpy, not be motivated to do anything all the time.

Newrontin and Lyrica?
OK, thank you, I will look into them and try to mention it to him.
he may not listen, but I can try.

He wants to divorce, maybe I should let him go. It is very sad, because I am still in love with him. I think I have co-dependency issue in myself.

He thinks that if he divorces me, he can get lots of money from me and maybe that is the reason he wants to divorce me. Because I have quite a money and he has nothing. We married only for 2 years and he wants to take couple hundred thouusand dollars from me ( I don't know it is possible for him or not, but he hired very aggresive lawyer with the money that I gave him....).... It is sad...

NOTSONUTSO 09-11-2011 02:24 PM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
I don't have any advice except to suggest marriage counseling; if he won't agree to go together, you can go without him.
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Your husband is fortunate to have a supportive, loving spouse. How sad that he is unable to recognize the good he has in his life because of the effects of drug use. I hope you can get a lawyer too & take care of yourself if your husband will not allow you to take care of him. Good luck to you.

asian wife 09-17-2011 06:20 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Notsonutso, thank you for your support. yesterday, he packed his stuff and moved out somewhere. He does not even tell me where he is going. In these couple weeks, he was staying somewhere most of the time, but sometimes he comes back home to just have a sex with me. He told me that " having sex does not change the divorce", so he does it not for love, only for sex. I still love him, so i don't mind, but it is sad.

He does not talk to me. Only when he talks to me is he was asking me how much I can pay him when we divorce.

Maybe there is nothing that I can do for him anymore...but I still believe that if he can take care of his headache in proper way, he can get himself back.....I just miss our happy days in the past.

asian wife 09-17-2011 07:48 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
I sent e-mail to his parents to look into Neurontin and Lyrica for him. Because my husband does not listen to me and also if I suggest, he would refuse because i suggest. He is close to his paretns, I thought they could be his help. But ....my husbad got furious when he found out I sent an e-mail to them. He came home to curse at me. I don't know what his parents said to him, but he told me that they are scared by me, so i should stop sending e-mail to them. I just said "I am sorry, I won't send it anymore".
I think he is very afraid of his life without marijuana ( and/or whatever he is taking it now). He has a fear. I don't know how much marijuana works for his pain and how severe his pain is...I just want him to be physicaly/mentaly healthy and functional as a human being.

I am going to counseling by myself, but she is not really help for me. She listens, but that's all. I got an appointment with male counselor next week, so I would expect him to tell me the men's point of view and tell me what I can do. I don't think my husband wants to work on our relationship, neither on his pain and/or stress. He just wants to get away from this situation with big money.

teteri66 09-17-2011 08:37 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
It sounds like your husband is dealing with a lot of guilt that is coming from his dependence on you. When people are on drugs, it tends to take a small issue and gradually it turns into an insurmountable problem.

Whether or not you can eventually make your marriage work, I cannot say. But in the meantime, you need to protect yourself. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your husband has very little regard for you other than as someone to satisfy his basic needs. Perhaps due to your culture, you are deferential to him as a male. If that is the case, please learn to stand up to him so he isn't taking advantage of you. He could end up ruining your life, emotionally and financially, in addition to his own.

I would suggest you look into finding a top-notch attorney to represent you, if for no other reason than to be pro-active and protect yourself...don't wait until he comes after all your assets.

If he wants to save the marriage, it sounds like he would benefit from a detox. and rehab to get clean, and then hopefully, finding a better solution for his real pain stemming from the injury. Then you can work on the marriage. But until he is finished with the illegal drugs, I don't think you'll be able to save your marriage.

How did his parents respond to you? Did you get any response from them? Are they hostile toward you and just take his side or is there a possibility you could work with them to get him help?

I'm sorry you are going through this very difficult situation. But please protect yourself. Don't let him harm you more than he already has.

asian wife 09-17-2011 11:04 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Tetonteri66, thank you for response.

His parents are basically very nice people. Maybe too nice. They are typical middle class, drug-free family. They know my husband's headache issue and they are the people who took him to all the doctors in town. They saw his worst time.
His mother told me that she could not stand to seeing him being able to do nothing but groaning in pain. In worset time, he could not even stand by himself, but just groan in a bed, could not even talk...They carried him on their back to take him to many doctors. He was early 30s at that time. 1 year before I met him. His mother said that if he can have his life, whatever makes him to do, she is happy. She just cannot stand seeing him suffering by his pain. They basically gave up to find good doctor/medicines.
But she was little symphathetic to me when she knew he does not treat me well.

His father was completely his side. He told me that " If marijuana is only the midicine to make my wife to feel better, I would go on the street by myself to get it. It does not matter how much it costs. That is the love. If you cannot do it, that means you don't love him."
He also told me " Arguments needs two people", so he blames me to take that arguments. Actually, it is not really arguments. He just yells at me and I don't say anything. So...it is not " arguments"...it's always just HIS emotional explosion towards me.

I just told them that problem is not just marijuana. Problem is his aggresive temper towards me and also his emotional/mental status ( very unhappy, unreasonable, irrational. paranoid)

They know his marijuana habit, but they don't want to touch it. They just ignore it. His mom also told me that it used be an issue with her, but not anymore....if he is alive, she is happy.

Since my husband got furious about my e-mail to them, I stopped contacting them. They are living only 10min from our house, though. My husband may be staying with them, but I am not sure.

Right. I don't want to get back with him when we don't change our relationship.
If we want to get back, WE have to work on it. Hopefully he would find better legal treatment for his headache and get himself back. I don't know it is possible or not...but that is my hope. Maybe I am a dreamer....no, I am just co-dependency....

It was pain to see him not doing anything all months, but just yelling at me.
He is very skilled IT person. It is waste of time for him not doing anything...he thinks I want him to work because i want to have his money. No, I want him to work because I like him when he is motivated to work and shows his skill. He is shining when he is motivated to work. I was always very proud of him...now he is totally different person.

He was interested in starting his own bussiness. I was not sure how successful he can be. I know he has skill, but he does not have fniancial sense. But I gave him $10K to help his "business". Now what happened? He hired the lawyer with the money that I gave him. Sad...

teteri66 09-17-2011 02:39 PM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Sounds like they are enabling him, not helping him. He will just get worse and worse as his drug use continues. Don't let him drag you down too.

jim765 09-17-2011 09:08 PM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
sorry,but it sounds like hes using cocane,and maybe meth. would prob cost a thousand a month. ask him to go to detox,if he refuses,see a good divorce lawyer,i would never give a person a thousand a month to buy dope.if he gets busted,ypou do to as an accesery.sorry,but been there done that with a ex. my too cents worth.[QUOTE=NOTSONUTSO;4840633]I don't have any advice except to suggest marriage counseling; if he won't agree to go together, you can go without him.
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Your husband is fortunate to have a supportive, loving spouse. How sad that he is unable to recognize the good he has in his life because of the effects of drug use. I hope you can get a lawyer too & take care of yourself if your husband will not allow you to take care of him. Good luck to you.[/QUOTE]

asian wife 09-18-2011 06:24 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
Thank you, Jim765
I hope that he is not using something else beside marijuana, but I have no idea. He has been getting $1400/month (after tax) and most of all money was gone every month. He smoke siggarret, but that's only $250/month max. I am paying his health insurance, car insurance etc, so he does not have to pay any bills. but every months, most of the money was gone. He just does not want to tell me. $1000 is not small money for me. I don't use $1000 for myself, so I have no idea...

He really does not want to be taken away from marijuana ( or whatever).
I am tryig to "help" him, but he thinks that is " controlling" and " dishonest" and "untrustful" to spouse, and that is the reason he is divorcing me. He does not think he needs help.

Maybe I should let him go......it is hard for me....

asian wife 09-18-2011 08:13 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
I mean he is getting $1400/month from unemployment.

jim765 09-18-2011 10:38 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
[QUOTE=asian wife;4844647]I mean he is getting $1400/month from unemployment.[/QUOTE]

dear,i live in indiana all so,and no way he could collect 1400.00 a month in unemployment,maybe disabillity ssi. but not unempolyment.i to had a hard time letting go,but had no choice,needed to get on with life a life , and ex was draging me down ,if he is getting a divorce from you,thats what he really wants ,but after that , you will no longer be oblagated for his spending monet,nor will you be oblegated for his health insurance,best of luck from me ,and pleases let him go and get on with you own life,you seem to be a very sweet lady,and you deserve much better, life will go on, trust me. and good luck.

jim765 09-18-2011 10:49 AM

Re: Please help me and my husband
 
[QUOTE=jim765;4844722]dear,i live in indiana all so,and no way he could collect 1400.00 a month in unemployment,maybe disabillity ssi. but not unempolyment.i to had a hard time letting go,but had no choice,needed to get on with life a life , and ex was draging me down ,if he is getting a divorce from you,thats what he really wants ,but after that , you will no longer be oblagated for his spending monet,nor will you be oblegated for his health insurance,best of luck from me ,and pleases let him go and get on with you own life,you seem to be a very sweet lady,and you deserve much better, life will go on, trust me. and good luck.[/QUOTE]

also ,you wont have to pay his car insurance,plus if he has a car ,and you dont,i think you will get the car cause you have to have transpertation, to and from your work ,if he has a car, and your makeing payments,have atturny stat that he has to make payments and get car financed in his own name,also,if he has a car in your and his name,get your name off the tital,or you will be responceble if he has and accedent.
just trying to help.
good luck


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