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    Old 01-14-2004, 05:54 AM   #1
    home_stead
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    Thumbs up some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    I just wanted to share some of my experiences with others, especially new sufferers. I am a 47 year old female registered nurse, married for 23 years with one daughter, now 22 and ready to graduate from college. I have had panic attacks for over 12 years now. I had a full medical work-up when they started to exclude any underlying medical problems, ie mitral valve prolapse, adrenal tumors/disfunction among many others. I won't into a a lot of details but would like to share the type of attacks I experience so others with similar symptoms will be able to relate. The most important thing I'd like to share is :THERE IS LIFE AFTER PANIC ATTACKS. I'm not talking about anxiety disorders in general, or any of it's other manifestations here. Just pure, unadulterated panic attacks.. the kind that appear out of the blue without any anxious thoughts, not brought on my undue stressors, anxious thoughts or worry. I had the kind that would wake me in the middle of the night, occur when I was out socially...perhaps at dinner with friends, laughing and enjoying their company, or maybe out for a Sunday drive with my family on a beautiful day when I would go in one breath from happy and feeling great to suddenly feeling the depersonalization/detachment that would immediately be followed by a myriad of physical symptoms that would lead to the conclusion that I was dying on the spot or doing to do something embarrassing , such as start screaming loudly, throwing things off tables or shelves, or God forbid, fall into the floor and need to be taken to the hospital by rescue squad. ( that was one of my BIGGEST fears)They started out with a frequency of about one a week, and over a period of about a year, they were to the point of not going a day without at least one attack, usually more. After enduring the attacks for about 3 years, I ended up with a severe case of agoraphobia and at one point did not leave our farm for nearly 8 months! I would be able to go outside in the yard, but NEVER past the mail box that is about a hundred yards from the house. If anyone would like to hear more about exact symptoms and some things that it is thought might have been triggers for me, all the testing that was done, etc., just let me know.
    I was finally lucky enough to find a physician that was willing to treat me with what has proven to be a miraculous drug in my opinion, Xanax. I had worked with this physician in his office for about 6 years before the attacks started and at first was quite leery of sharing my 'problem' with him. I felt weak and ashamed. His first goal, after all the testing I mentioned was to stop the attacks. He titrated my Xanax dose up to a point that it actually STOPPED the attacks.. and the dose was a whopper! I was taking 3.5mg of Xanax 3 times a day to finally be able to be free of them. Once I was free of the attacks for a few months and began to relax enough to be able to go out without constant worry of having another, he began to titrate the dose back down slowly. I have now been taking 1 mg each morning for the past 8 years and have had no more attacks for about 2 years. Many physicians do NOT like keeping patients on this medication or others like it for extended periods of time, but I feel very lucky that I did not have one of them. He has since passed away, and I have on several occasions at my new family physician's advice, tried to change to Buspar, and also Zoloft and Prozac among other SSRI's which did nothing for the panic attacks and cause a LOT of other problems for me. He has finally decided that they just aren't for me and that as long as my small dose of Xanax keeps the attacks at bay and keeps me functioning at a comfortable level he's going to leave well enough alone.
    I like the way he and the first doctor that treated me looks at taking this medication. It works for me and that is the most important thing. Am I addicted? Surely I'd have to say yes... both physically at this point and most likely psychologically, since with it, I am free of panic attacks. But I have high blood pressure and take Accupril which no one seems anxious to 'wean' me from, and no doctor tries to 'wean' a diabetic from insulin because they are at a point that they have to have it to be healthy. Panic attacks are as debilitating as many other conditions and need to be treated in such a way as to provide the highest possible level of physical and emotional functioning of it's sufferers.
    I would like to think that there are other doctors out there that are not afraid to use medications that will help their patients and that this posting helps at least ONE person know that you CAN get your life back and you WILL feel like yourself again. Be gentle with yourself but fight for yourself. Keep at it until you find a physician that will listen to you and be willing to do whatever is medically necessary to help you get your life back. There is hope for all of us and we deserve to be treated for our medical condition in a caring, empathetic manner.

     
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    Old 01-14-2004, 06:29 AM   #2
    Graciecat
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    I have the same kind of Doctor you did.
    I also took Xanax everyday for a very long time...7 years.
    I was never on a dose as high as yours I was on a very small dose..1/4MG twice a day... but the point is, it helped me when nothing else did.
    At one point I did ask about switching to one of the SSRI's, he told me I could if I wanted to and it was up to me, but he said his opinion was "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
    I ended up have an allergic reaction to two SSRI's, so I just went back to the Xanax alone.

    Over the past several months I've been feeling as though my attacks are going away...they did this several years ago, but then came back.
    So with his help I'm weaning off of the Xanax...I'm down to 1/4MG every three days and so far I'm doing great.

    I couldn't agree more, that finding a Doctor that will listen to you is the most important thing you can do...that along with having the tests..I went through them too.
    I thank God for my Doctor.
    I'll always remember the first time I walked in there and told him I thought I was losing my mind, I was 16 years old and scared to death.
    He just took my hand and told me that there was no way I was going to lose my mind, he laughed and told me that I was probably the most sane person in that office.
    He listened to everything I had to say and that is so important.
    Another thing I think is important is that he just didn't listen and then say that I had panic disorder, he ordered all the other tests just to make sure nothing else was wrong.
    I can remember him saying that he thought he knew what was wrong and it wasn't going to harm me, but he wanted to do the other tests just to make sure.
    It also helped to ease my mind, because I then knew that there was nothing wrong with my heart, or thyroid and that my blood sugar was normal.

    Sorry to ramble on...I didn't mean to write a book

     
    Old 01-14-2004, 07:27 AM   #3
    MetalDetector
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    home_stead
    I agree with and can relate to everything you wrote.
    Thank-you for putting it so eloquently.

     
    Old 01-14-2004, 08:51 AM   #4
    Some12
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    Thumbs up Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Dear home_stead,
    That was a most excellent post and written with so much emotion it was intense. I hope that you stay around the board more often. You have very much to offer. I would like to to highlight some of what you said and I hope that you do not mind. Just some general statements within you post. You are a tremendous fighter and I admire your concern for panic disorder sufferers everywhere.

    Very Sincerely,

    Sickman

    I am a 47 year old female registered nurse

    I have had panic attacks for over 12 years now

    I'm not talking about anxiety disorders in general, or any of it's other manifestations here. Just pure, unadulterated panic attacks.. the kind that appear out of the blue without any anxious thoughts, not brought on my undue stressors, anxious thoughts or worry.

    I was finally lucky enough to find a physician that was willing to treat me

    His first goal, after all the testing I mentioned was to stop the attacks.

    It works for me and that is the most important thing.

    Xanax keeps the attacks at bay and keeps me functioning at a comfortable level he's going to leave well enough alone.

    It works for me and that is the most important thing. Am I addicted? Surely I'd have to say yes... both physically at this point and most likely psychologically, since with it, I am free of panic attacks.

    I would like to think that there are other doctors out there that are not afraid to use medications that will help their patients and that this posting helps at least ONE person know that you CAN get your life back and you WILL feel like yourself again. Be gentle with yourself but fight for yourself. Keep at it until you find a physician that will listen to you and be willing to do whatever is medically necessary to help you get your life back. There is hope for all of us and we deserve to be treated for our medical condition in a caring, empathetic manner.

    THERE IS LIFE AFTER PANIC ATTACKS

     
    Old 01-14-2004, 07:42 PM   #5
    Some12
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    Smile Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Dear home_stead,
    I would be very interested in hearing your specific symptoms that you have had over the past years. I have so many that I would like to hear if you have any of the out of the ordinary that I have. Please post them if you feel comfortable in doing so. Thanks if you do and if not I will understand also. Have a nice day.

    Sincerely,

    Sickman

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 01:18 AM   #6
    lori j
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    home_stead, welcome & thanks for your very candid facts about your experiences with PA's. Also, your very candid opinions about taking meds. More often than not, I read posts where the person just can't wait to wean off their med!! I have suffered from depression for most of my life, looking back, I can see it was there as a small child. Thru the years, obsessive worrying came to rule my daily life to the point that I hated life. Finally, I was diagnosed & put on an AD. It worked for the past 7 years, I would not trade how much better I felt on that AD & what a greater quality of life I had on that AD for anything.
    I happen to agree with you that we should do anything & everything we can to rid ourselves of any mental disorder, be it dep., PA's or bipolar.
    Since my old standby AD quit working, I've been tried on several others & the withdrawals triggered PA's, so now I can add that to my list of symptoms & disorders.
    I have an apptmt later today with me pdoc to see what next!!!!
    I am going to quote one part of your post, as I have had this feeling more times than I realized & realize now that i probably had PA's to a lesser degree for a long time. These things you posted about have happened to me in the past, I thought it was just me & I was going crazy. I've been in line in a store & felt like I was going to just start screaming or fall to the floor. So glad to see you list that, as I really worry about those feelings when they happen. Luckily, I've been able to control myself & it's always just a thought or feeling. anyway, here is the part of your post that I related to the most.
    "going to do something embarrassing , such as start screaming loudly, throwing things off tables or shelves, or God forbid, fall into the floor and need to be taken to the hospital by rescue squad. ( that was one of my BIGGEST fears"
    I hope you continue to be an active member here, I would like to hear more of your symptoms, I think the more we learn, the more we can help ourselves. Thanks again for being so candid about your life & your problems.

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 08:42 AM   #7
    Some12
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    Thumbs up Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Dear home_stead,
    I just don't want this post to get down so low that others don't get a chance to read it. Please remain with us.

    Sincerely,

    Sickman

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 05:30 PM   #8
    housemum
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Yes homestead, thanks for that post.

    I have been on xanax for 4 years for panic attacks. I tried many other things. Thank God I found a Dr. who has no problem on me taking 1 mg a day.

    Just last month I got off the xanax completely and was doing well. Then tragically my 19 year old son died right before Christmas. It really thru me into a tailspin....and I feared the attacks coming back. Well I am back on 1 mg a day the past two weeks....no attacks and am doing okay inspite of the horror of my grief and loss.

    I must maintain functionable as I have 4 younger kids now.

    My Dr. has no problem with me being back on it.

    I've been warned so many times of the "dangers" of xanax and how I'm "walking on ice" with it and all, yet it has always worked so well with me. I have NEVER gone above 1 mg a day, but yet I no I am physically dependent on it cause I have taken it for 4 years.

    I did wean way down just a few months ago, and I know I can do that again.

    Thank God there are Dr.s who understand women like me and don't freak at the idea of prescribing benzo's long term.

    Right now I'm just in the middle of getting over the death of my beloved son. It has been so hard.

    Thanks for your great post.

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 06:18 PM   #9
    Some12
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    Unhappy Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by annieof5
    Yes homestead, thanks for that post.

    I have been on xanax for 4 years for panic attacks. I tried many other things. Thank God I found a Dr. who has no problem on me taking 1 mg a day.

    Just last month I got off the xanax completely and was doing well. Then tragically my 19 year old son died right before Christmas. It really thru me into a tailspin....and I feared the attacks coming back. Well I am back on 1 mg a day the past two weeks....no attacks and am doing okay inspite of the horror of my grief and loss.

    I must maintain functionable as I have 4 younger kids now.

    My Dr. has no problem with me being back on it.

    I've been warned so many times of the "dangers" of xanax and how I'm "walking on ice" with it and all, yet it has always worked so well with me. I have NEVER gone above 1 mg a day, but yet I no I am physically dependent on it cause I have taken it for 4 years.

    I did wean way down just a few months ago, and I know I can do that again.

    Thank God there are Dr.s who understand women like me and don't freak at the idea of prescribing benzo's long term.

    Right now I'm just in the middle of getting over the death of my beloved son. It has been so hard.

    Thanks for your great post.
    Dear annieof5,
    Just letting you know that I am still thinking about you and your loss. I wish you and your family the strength to cope with this and Gods help in understanding.
    Bless all of you.

    Sincerely,

    Sickman

     
    Old 01-16-2004, 01:56 PM   #10
    hry33
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    to homestead, you are on the wrong BP med, accupril is an ACE inhibitor, you should be on a beta blocker, these also calm the heart and body, reducing the physical side of anxiety, the others dont

    adding relaxation and CBT to the xanax helps a lot, as you mention addiction to xanax is often more psychological than actual

     
    Old 01-16-2004, 06:30 PM   #11
    Some12
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    Question Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hry33
    to homestead, you are on the wrong BP med, accupril is an ACE inhibitor, you should be on a beta blocker, these also calm the heart and body, reducing the physical side of anxiety, the others dont

    adding relaxation and CBT to the xanax helps a lot, as you mention addiction to xanax is often more psychological than actual
    Dear hry33,
    I have taken both beta blocker and ACE inhibitor. Why do you feel that the beta blocker is the better of the two. The beta blocker I was having reacations to, and raising my blood pressure. The ACE inhibitor did not give me adverse reactions and lowered my blood pressure. Of course they had mis-diagnosed my condition of white coat syndrome and I did not actually have high blood pressure, so I am just curious what you think is the difference? Thanks and have a nice day hry33

    Sincerely,

    Sickman

     
    Old 01-21-2004, 10:59 AM   #12
    home_stead
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    I'm so glad that some of you found what I had to say interesting enough to respond and offer your input. To Graciecat, I can't tell you how pleased I am to know that there are other doctors/medical professionals out there that are willing to treat this condition rather than make their patients suffer through the panic attacks while trying to find an understanding or psychological explanation of them rather than treating them first or worst of all, not treating the symptoms medicinally at all. Personally, I don't feel there IS always an underlying psychological explanation, though in many cases there is one. In my case, I tend towards being a control freak and both doctors (the first I went to with this problem and the one that is currently treating me) feel that there is some connection with this tendency in my personality. The way my current physician put it: "You are in a profession that requires control of your emotions and mental function at all times. And because of your choice of profession, you show a tendency toward wanting or needing to be in control. Maybe this is your body/mind's way of showing you that there are some things you just CAN'T control. A scary way no doubt, but it does keep you humble, doesn't it?" I have to agree with those statements.
    Sickman, I'll try to answer your questions concerning my symptoms. The first time I remember having a 'full blown' attack, the first symptom I was aware of was the depersonalization. I was driving across the mountain into town with a dear friend to do some shopping. I live in a very rural area and anywhere you go requires at least an hour and back road travel. It was a gorgeous early fall afternoon, the windows were down and we were talking and laughing. The next thing I knew, I felt as if I was watching myself drive. No physical symptoms at all before that.. just feeling as if I were floating/dreaming. Needless to say THAT was quite sobering on a narrow winding mountain road! I slowed the car and tried to act as if nothing were wrong. The next thing I remember in the way of symptoms was talking and it sounding like I was hearing it from somewhere outside of myself. I have had nitrous for dental work before and that is about the best way I can describe the sound. It was a bit distant, didn't really sound like my voice at all.. and there was a humming, almost warped quality to the sounds I was making. I then began to feel a lot like I do when I have a high fever. It was as if my eyeballs had turned to fire and my eyelids to ice. I became very aware of the difference in temperatures across my eyes each time I blinked. I felt almost 'cut off' from the world around me. I could feel the steering wheel in my hands, but it was as if I were wearing heavy gloves. The more I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, the worse I began to feel. I felt as if I couldn't breath. I was aware of taking in air but it didn't feel 'right'. I have NEVER been able to stand to breath with bed covers over my head. It's as if the air becomes body temperature and though you know your lungs are filling, you have the sensation that it they really aren't. I can remember looking at my friend and watching her talk to me and thinking to myself that she was talking to someone that wasn't really there. I became EXTREMELY aware of my heartbeat about that time. It was a bit faster than normal for me, but the most prominent realization was that it wasn't keeping rhythm. I could actually feel it missing beats..sort of thump, thump, thump.......then a sickening feeling of nothing happening followed by another round of thump thump thump. My whole body began to feel like my eyes had in the beginning. I felt as if I were on fire and yet packed in ice. I started to shake as if I were very cold. Not shaky hands like I was nervous but an inward shaking or shiver.. more like it was deep inside and up my spine..almost like an internal seizure with no outward signs of it. I then looked at my friend and said, "I'm dying". I didn't THINK I was.. I KNEW it. I had NO doubt that was what was happening. It was as if I were leaving my body, my mind, the world. She looked at me and said I was almost gray and I managed to pull over to the side of the road. She helped me into the back seat and drove the rest of the way into town, about 10 miles and took me to the ER. During that time, I began to feel numb, in my lips and extremities. My arms felt weightless, yet heavy all at the same time.. like I was trying to move in set Jell-O. I could tell at this time I was hyperventilating, shivering, sweating, freezing and absolutely scared to death. It was nearly over and resolved by the time I got checked in and saw the ER physician. That first one lasted about 30 minutes...the longest scariest 30 minutes I have ever experienced.
    Since that time, I have found that my first symptom is always either the depersonalization or the heart palpitations, to be followed by the other. The breathing symptoms then tend to become more intense and unsettling. I feel as if I canít take a deep breath and feel as if I am suffocating. I have dizziness that progresses to a 'spaciness' or inability to concentrate or think clearly. It's as if I have someone changing the channels in my mind and I can't mentally focus on any one thing. One of my biggest fears after that initial attack is that whoever I am with at the time will KNOW what's happening. If I am in public, which is ALWAYS the worst, I get very scared that I will do something socially unacceptable. Once in the grocery store, I had an almost uncontrollable urge to run up and down the aisles with my arms outstretched, clearing the shelves as I ran. I also sometimes feel as if I wonít be able to stop myself from just lying down in the floor, or begin screaming to the top of my lungs. The fear of some actual physical problem that would require the rescue squad to come and take me to the ER was a BIG concern of mine too. The strange hot/cold sensations usually come next. No matter the temperature, I begin to shiver inwardly as if I am hypothermic. I have been known to go to bed and get under the electric blanket with a sweat suit on in 90į+ weather. There is also hyperventilation, numbness of my lips and extremities. Of course, it goes without saying that while all these things are occurring is the very real feeling of impending doom and death that brand all panic attacks, regardless of symptoms.
    One thing that has helped me tremendously is having so many over the years, I have finally realized that these attacks are self limiting and for me are over in about 30-45 minutes. They are usually shorter and less severe if I am home and not alone, and tend to be longer and more sever if alone or in public. But just knowing that it WILL end helps more than I can say. I am usually exhausted after my attacks and can sleep for hours afterward if given the chance. I have found that if I can sleep a while after my attacks. it keeps me from feeling as drained as I would otherwise. I always feel a bit hungover....wrung out...emotionally and physically after them. Honestly itís been quite while since Iíve had one and there may be a few symptoms Iíve forgotten to list here. If there are any particular symptoms you would like to ask about, please ask. Sorry if this is a bit rambling, but I was in a bit of a rush when typing this but wanted to post a response to those that took the time to do the same for me. I hope to hear from you again.
    Be well and be gentle with yourselves.

    MP

     
    Old 01-21-2004, 07:04 PM   #13
    Some12
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    Thumbs up Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Dear home_stead,
    That was the best decription of the real feelings of an intense panic attack that I have heard decribed. My first one was very similiar with just a few minor differences. I did not go to the ER, I had my Friend take me to my wife because I thought I was going to be saying goodbye. I later went to the Doctor about 3 hours later. Excellent posting and I am sure that many who have had the really extreme attacks or minor symptoms can relate to your writing. Very powerful wording and definately a Veteran of this disorder. Thank you sharing such wisdom. Intense, I don't know how to end this reply.

    Sincerely,

    Sickman

     
    Old 01-21-2004, 08:20 PM   #14
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    Re: some thoughts from a LONG time panic attack sufferer

    Home_Stead,

    I must agree with Sickman, that was the best description I've ever read.
    When I had my first attack, my symptoms were very similar to yours.
    One second I was this happy 16 year old folding clothes and the next second I felt like I wasn't real...like you said..I felt like I was watching myself.
    I've always described it as feeling as though I was made of mist...almost as if I would have touched my arm, my hand would have gone right through it...like I wasn't real.
    Then the shaking and the rapid hearbeat, then came the horrible fear.
    It was so awful, because I was terrified, but I had no idea what I was terrified of.
    At that instant I thought I was going to die or at the very least lose my mind.

    I wanted to tell my Mom, but I was scared she'd think I was crazy, so I just went to bed, that was the worst night of my life.
    I didn't go to school the next day and then finally I had to tell Mom because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself unless I got some kind of help.
    When I went to the Doctor and after all the tests and he told me what was wrong I remember my Moms reaction.
    She started to cry and told me that I was this way because of her...turns out she had the same thing when I was a little girl.
    I can remember sitting on the couch in our living room crying with my Mom...I think I felt worse for her than I did for myself.
    I can remember telling her that it wasn't her fault.
    Even now, 20 years later as I'm typing this and thinking about that day with my Mom it's making me cry.

    It's so wonderful to come to these boards and share our stories with each other, sometimes I think that's the best therapy there is.

     
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