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Toomuch 11-20-2002 09:38 AM

I am new here, I am 36 years old with a 17 yr.old 13 yr.old and an 3 yr. old ((Boys)) Just a little back ground.

I been seeing the Dr. for 8 year, Anixity/Panic ..
First I coudn't except something was wrong with me. Then I did, then I didn't want meds. Then I took them..

I "was" on many meds, but could deal with the problem, been on Xanax for 6 years, 3mg. a/day.

I go to Ruth Copper, Dr's come and go so it's hard to ope up. We are poor, and the price of meds keep me from talking also. I just asy I am doing fine, every 3 month, get get my meds...

Well,, I can't handle it, Afraid of new meds. Afraid, I could lose my kids, I been married for 14 years, (SWEETY) Arfaid of what he will think.

I been in 14 childrens homes as a child. I know how to act. Father Raped me since birh till 9yrs. old. Raped in the foster homes. Parents gave me up. Mother is crazy, she also worshipped the devil. Try to short this up..

Okay now,,,, I can't sleep 5 am, and up by 9am,, bad dreams,,, very bad.
Voices, And I am talking to myself in a battle, like fighting,I wish it would end.
My mind races sooo much. Like I am on speed..
I don't do drugs or drink. I have drank for excape but it doesn't work for me. I want to be a good mom. I can cry so easy, but I will fight and fight it,, tears will omebut I holdback alot.
I am sooo easily up set.
I am jummpy.
angry a lot
my mood changes so so smuch !!!!!
I wan to be incontrol of my Husband, and he lets me.
I can feel like no oe loves me, I know my husband does, but will he keep loveing me, if he knew (ALL) of my problems. I want to make other hapy all the time. That is a high for me. Even if I am crying inside.

I am a hipper person, The Xanax does slow down the Anixity or Panic attacks. Thats it.. It does not help me deal with oher problems.

We are so poor, I have to by extra tolet paper,, stuff we need, but I must have extra.. Husband will not let me have the money, card, check book. We would be homeless if he did.

I will clean like crazy,, things are gross, can't touch it. Can't use bathrooms in other places. Can't eat food I feel weird about..

I will get once a week or less, I will get a don't care if the house is claen, Depressed, I will then claen like It is grossssss. Chills up my back, I can throw up, andI have thrown up before.

CAN NOT drive afr at all, just a few blocks. Shopping is Helll. I will go at the time when the less people are there. If someone touches me I will die, I have left my cart, I have not been able to get out of the car.

EDGE of reality// I am freaking, like is this my hand, is this my face, I am not real, I am in a dream nigtmear. TRIPPING OUT. Everyone leave me alone (family) Talk talk talk to myself, Pretend to be what I think I should be. I am not a person, I am I at times see myself as another person, and I am helping her out.

I lie, I tell everyone I am fine. (I) Iam just what they see !!!

I can't go fast enough, my mind goes and goes, I talk so fast so I can get out what I have to say, but I never get it all out. I will crash ad lose o, Off to hide, in the bathroom.. Where is safty ????

I can be happy,I can feel good but what is that, why does it change so fast,,, I lost my mind..

People does Know I am weird,, I tell them it is a attack or Idon't feel well.

I don't work, I have 2 friends. They know very little about me.. I could never tell them, Hell I can't tell myself. I don't even know,,, I know nothing. I know everything. I am tell you cause you may know or understand. I need to tell my Dr I may copy this for him.

I tryed to kill myself twice, but not for these 8 years. I been it the hospital for a week cause I wanted to die, thats when I was just strating to find help,, but I couldn't tell them everything. Afraid they would keep me....
DRugs,, how do I lknow REALLY know what is Normal.. Afraid of drugs,,, but now I have a 3 year old I am with,, I am trying but I am not a good mom,, I am a good mom. I am so sad !!!!!!

I am so angry and mean.. I am nothing. I have done so much wrong in my life, Anfair on my husband, and I told him,, he still loved me weird, I will not do that to him again. I will ie first. So much bad in me,, yet lots of good..I am tooo much !!!

I can't remember crap,, people think I am weird cause I JUST CAN'T remember... I don't want people to think I am weird !!!!!!!!

I will hear things that others don't hear.. I have learned to watch others to see what do. I hold back,I hide alot of what is going on.. I see and feel things that re not there... This dream,, wake me up.. The things I see are blurs, shadows, so I understand it's me,, but it drives me crazy. So jumpy...

I tryed and try Chruch can't keep going cause I am to bad.. Not that way bad, just not good enough. I pray pray everynight. I believe in GOD !!! I know he loves me,,, But I am on this earth,, death is good thing to me,,,but I will live for my family as long as I can keep the shield up from them,, yet they know some,, but not much.....

People are watching me.. I think they know I am weird, can't handle people,, unless on a good day,, I can , but it's just to please them. I don't know what is real,, What about my children,, I love them,, I will give them the mom I never had... Play Play... I am good at that, but somedays I ask for help. Have to get away... I cry saying this !!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing I have learned for the panic attack is when I have this weird tase in my month, it cming, or the smel in my nose, it is werd. My blood, or heart goes faster and faster,, I try to get busy, or it will hit my to fast and Real to not real anymore... I will come back I will, Then I do.. Bac to what I have known to be.. Still off, but not so much.


OHHH, I have to stop now,,, The realness of this thing called live. I am happy I have laundry and cleaning to do to day... Mind break..............

Okay,,, I said it as well as I can.. I am not rereading it. sorry about the spelling. I look at the keyboard, not the screen..

ANYONE,, Whats wrong with me ????

ANYONEONE,, Do I tell my dr this to I copy and give it to him (them)???????

Will I be locked up ???

I am going to copy and paste this around, I go to the Dr. Monday the 25th...

Thank you for anywords you may say... Easier comingfrom a computor than a face !!

[This message has been edited by minerva (edited 11-20-2002).]

sweetwawa 11-20-2002 09:56 AM

i must say you do have a lot to that anxiety?

perhaps you just need to chat away like a lot of us.
do you have a line called contact in your area?

its for people who love to chat.

Kemi 11-20-2002 12:38 PM

Please, for the sake of yourself, and your children show this to a mental health professional! Please.

God Bless and you are in my prayers.

star_light221 11-20-2002 01:50 PM

know you are not alone
we are all thinking about you and feel your saddness and desperate cry for help. we care if you ever need to talk leave your addy
god bless you and know that god is with you always

star_light221 11-20-2002 01:54 PM

you sure have a bad case of being down on yourself and not feeling safe in an unsafe world
you need to talk to someone about this as bottling it up will only make it worse. i know your feelings ans sadness i think we have all felt this way at some point in our lives hang on it will get better and remember you are a child of gods
bless you

Toomuch 11-20-2002 08:45 PM

Sweetwawa, Anxitiy is just one problem.

Kemi, I am showing my Doctor.

Star-light, Thank you

I have wrote alot in Depression Please go there and read it.. I said more and it seem to sound better,, well understanding for some that can understand.
I used the same name and tageline.

I will keep you all up dated as much as I can, cause I do need your help....

THANK YOU !!!!!!!!

LoriMC 11-21-2002 06:06 AM

You are suffering from more than anxiety. First of all, you must find a doctor who is willing to listen to you. But you must be comfortable enough with them to be completly open and honest, otherwise they will not be able to truly help you. Secondly, I live in Florida also and I know that there are places available to help people who are low income. If worse comes to worse, you need to go to your nearest emergency room and tell them what you are feeling so that they can do a psych. evaluation. You sound like you have many things going on, including the possibility of manic depression as well as schizophrenia and paranoid behavior. You must be properly diagnosed by a caring professional and not just be thrown on meds. You also need to receive in-depth psychological counseling. You mentioned God and how you can't go to church because your not "good enough." You are being attacked spiritually by satan. Our minds are our battlefields. We are in a constant battle that we dont see in the physical world but is always taking place in the spiritual realm. I pray right now that you will be loosed from the lies of the enemy and that you will open your heart up to the love of Jesus Christ. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I come against any generational curse that was passed down to you by your parents or other relatives. Call on the name of Jesus right now. His Word says that whoever believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, was born to a virgin, lived, was crucified, rode on the third day, and now sits at the right hand of God will be saved. It is by GRACE through FAITH that we are saved, not through works that any of us may boast. None of us could ever be "good enough" to receive the gift of Salvation - but thank God we dont have to be, because Jesus WAS good enough, and He paid the price for our sins through His blood. I pray right now that you will come against this attack by the enemy and claim your inheritance with Christ. He loves you - He died for you, and He can deliver you. "By His stipes, we ARE healed." I pray that you would call a local church, one that teaches the true gospel of God. Talk to the Pastor. Be honest. PRAY!!! I am not giving up hope on you, and neither is the Lord. You deserve to be well and to be set free from the bondage of sin. "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us." Please seek help - spiritual, mental, and physical. Please let us know how you are doing. May God bless you and keep you. You have children that need you, but they need you whole. God bless.

Praising Him,

Toomuch 11-21-2002 11:26 AM

LoriMc,, When I started reading your post I started freaking out.... You ended it great. I am a baptist !!!!!
I believe I am save. I know the Lord is with me right now...

Now the freaky stuff..
Evil demons,, they are real and sometimes I can't feel God.. Can't explain, Can't deal with that other side,, to to scary.

I wrote more in Depression, Please read it..

You live in Florida,, I live in Cape Coral.. The ER SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doctors know nothing !!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I got all the help I could get. The kids are on medicade. I am on a sliding scale on prices of the Family Health Center, and the Ruth Copper Center. Not for meds.. And We still have trouble making $325 an week pay our rent, electric, phone, AOL, car insurance, food, meds, Dr's, ect.. We smoke, I CAN NOT STOP SMOKING !!!!! Just not enought money for all the bills.. How can I get more help? I don't know what else to do.

READ my post in Depression please, Don't leave me now.. Like I said I go to the Dr/ Monday... This typing to you keeps me on some kind of .... I don't know, but it helps....

Thank you

joon flowers 11-21-2002 03:54 PM

Dear Toomuch. Something you said made my think. It's about smoking. I have read many things about people suffering from anxiety and depression. Very often they smoke. I don't know if they smoke because they are anxious or they are anxious because they smoke. I know I cannot tell anyone to give up because it's a drug. Please try however to cut down a bit if you can. I wish I could help you. You sound like a person with a great deal of energy. I hope that one day you will feel better and you will be able to use your energy to help other people. I know you have a lot to offer people because you have experienced a lot of pain in life. You would be able to understand other people's pain. But don't forget about the love you have in your life. Your husband loves you, your children love you, the reat of your family love you too. The people who haev read your story on the boards care about you even if they don't know you. Please hold on to your faith in God. And if you believe in God you must remember that He loves everybody. So don't worry about not feeling good enough. It's not true anyway. You have just had a bad time. Try to help yourself in any way you can. Even in little ways like cutting down on smoking just a little. Cut down on your sugar intake - things like that. Coffee too. That can agitate people. I know that everyone who has read your story is very moved by it and cares about you. I certainly do. God bless you. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I am sure many people are now. I believe in the power of prayer and I know it will help you. Believe me, if I could do more for you I would. Please keep us up to date with how you feel.

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