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bokkobo 06-25-2013 05:18 PM

Scared of love? please please help
Please help me, I'm so terrified.

I've been having panic attacks on and off for the past two weeks. I've been diagnosed with general anxiety before, but I've never had so many panic attacks in such little time, they've been bad too (to the point where I've thrown up.)

I have bad social anxiety, and I think this is where my current problem began. I've never had much connection with people. My mom mentally, emotionally and somewhat physically abused me since I was a kid. She is the base of my social anxiety and general dislike of people. My father was an alcoholic, and I never had much of a connection to him until the past year when he had stage 4 throat cancer, and then passed away. I had one friend in these past three years, who found someone else to hang out with, and left me completely. I quit school earlier this year because it became too much for me to deal with (depression and insomnia) and left me crying every morning at the stress of having to get up.

So, I constantly use the computer. I'm a big tech person. And I met someone online. I wasn't really looking for anyone, but he and I started talking as friends and it went from there. It's a long distance relationship, and our 1 year anniversary is coming up, but god it feels like we've hugged and kissed so many times before, which, I had never wanted to hug or kiss anyone before, yet here I was counting down the days to when we would finally embrace each other. He is the most beautiful person I've met. We have all the same interests, we communicate well and everyday (over the phone, *****, ect.), people say we compliment each other as far as looks go, we make each other the happiest we had ever been, we had plans for growing old and dying together, moving in together, everything, and we both meant it. We are the perfect couple. We had never gotten in a fight or had any trouble, up until a week ago.

Since I quit school, I stayed home all the time. All. The. Time. This year, except for half of the first semester of school, I left the house three times. those three times were to try and reconnect with my old friend I mentioned. I feel like this weakened my mental state a lot and definitely made my social anxiety worse. As far as depression goes though, thanks to my boyfriend, I actually stopped cutting and I only felt really bad in the early morning when I was alone. But I became dependent on him, he became dependent on me as well, we both have a lot of problems (he also takes medicine for anxiety and depression, though his is sorted out) and he became my only source of happiness. I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

So, what went wrong:

About two weeks ago, it was our normal day. I was talking to him and we were watching a show or something, I can't really remember. I kind of was thinking, and came to the realization, I felt like an old couple. When I say that though, I didn't think it was bad at all, its not boring or dull or anything like that, I just, I felt so comfortable with him. I love him so much, I felt like everything was going to be okay as long as we have each other. So I told him. I said I felt like an old couple. And he took it the wrong way. He thought I was getting bored of him and sent me negative messages, not towards me but how he thought I was starting to not love him as much. And I got scared, I got so so so scared. I thought: "What if he was right? He knows me so well, he would know wouldn't he? If I stopped liking him, without me even realizing." And what all happened after that I can't exactly remember. All I remember was I was so scared, and I got this horrible horrible pain in my chest, and was crying, I suddenly started having mood swings. One minute, I felt like I wouldn't like him, then the next I would feel scared again, then happy and in love. We thought it was because of my period (I get very depressed on my period) but this pain in my chest. It hurt to move. I felt like I was going to die. Thinking of not caring for him, after all we had been through, it makes me cry even now. I have no idea what that feeling was, and I had never hurt that much in my life, not even when my dad passed. It just hurt so much though, and I needed it to go away. We talked that night, and by the time I went to sleep, he had me feeling better and like everything was going to be okay. That feeling in my heart was just barely there, and I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up, and I felt fine. Then, I thought about what happened, about me feeling like I don't love him anymore, and it came back. I couldn't bare it anymore, so I wet to my mom for help, which I never do. I asked her to take me to a mental hospital where I stayed for a week. I felt so alone there, and my anxiety was through the roof the first two days. I cried the first three days, I went through the mood swings as well, feeling okay one hour, then horrible the next. I went to everyone for help, telling nurses what happened and hoping they'd give me some explanation. None of them did. They just listened and didn't really have anything to say. So, I thought myself through it. I thought of exactly what all happened and basically meditated on it. And I realized, I had become very dependent on him, he became my world, and when he said that, I actually believed him over what I felt, and my world came crashing down.

The person I trusted the most had hurt me without really realizing it. And I went into what the doctor called a dissociative state, questioning why we were here and what exactly relationships are, what made me have a mental breakdown, why it did so, what the point in everything was. I felt like I was looking through a TV screen, like my actions were not my own, and like I was doing things out of old habit. I would smile at jokes but not feel happy inside, I'd get this pain asking me why I was laughing. I would think it away occasionally, and feel anxiety, thinking of him and praying he was okay or at least feeling alright, because it was very hard for him, me leaving and him not knowing if I was going to come back and love him. I left the hospital and three days after I finally thought myself out of that, and was feeling back to normal, and feeling in love with him again.

It was traumatic, to say the least. I know it might seem dumb to say, having such feelings over just a relationship, but we have very strong emotions for each other, and have been through a lot, both together and just in general. I know now though, I always want to be with him and only him. But, I feel my heart is closed a little. I feel maybe not as close to him, and scared. I feel scared to trust him so much again. And sometimes when we're not talking, I find myself doubting again, just like now. People told me, if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be so worried about it. But I just, I feel like I've changed and I don't like it. I want to go back like before that day. To always being sure and happy and in love, and not thinking what if I'm tricking myself into liking him.

I just, I want someone to help me. I feel like maybe I lost myself? I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now, what kind of help. I just need.. help

Please, just tell me what you think? And.. no negativity please.. I don't think I could take it. I just always know, I want to be with him, and only him, I love him so much.. but I want to love him completely, like before, and stop being scared.. (yeah, I posted this in the teens forum too, but I'm desperate.)

Deborah6021 11-08-2013 02:29 PM

Re: Scared of love? please please help
I know it's been a while since you posted. But it just seems like the thoughts you were having about possibly "not liking" him, was just your anxiety talking. It wasn't reality. You became scared of what he said and possibly it meant you really didn't like him. It was just a thought/ feeling brought on by anxiety. Not actual reality. Your brain interprets every thought as real, but anxiety will bring in unrealistic thoughts. Almost automatically. But remember you really do love this person, trust your gut, not the anxious thoughts.
Hope that helps and you're doing ok.

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