It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board

  • Any Advice for Dealing With 15 Year Old?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 11-22-2001, 11:42 AM   #1
    soar1
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    soar1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2001
    Location: Colorado
    Posts: 48
    soar1 HB User
    Post Any Advice for Dealing With 15 Year Old?

    My son is 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. He has always been very outgoing and friendly, but has struggled at times in school. This year he his doing okay in school, but began hanging out with kids several years older than he and most of them smoke cigarettes, smoke pot occassionally, but worst of all they just want to "hang" out and not take school that seriously. The leader of the group has over 30 unexcused absenses from school classes, has a girl pregnant and has a poor work ethic. Several others in the group are on the edge of flunking out and most seem to have no drive or desire for a decent future. Our son has begun to smoke cigarettes, has had several problems with coming home late without letting us know where he is and has developed a less than pleasant attitude saying he should be able to hang out with whomever he wishes and goes through his allowance like water buying junk, candy, cigarettes occasionally. We have asked him to not smoke, do pot or alcohol as he is under age and have told him that we are not going to get him a car now because of his attitude. We have allowed him to see these friends on a limited basis with the promise he won't smoke and come home on time. Sometimes he does, other times not.

    Any advice from anyone on what approach has worked for you or might work? Thanks for your help.

    Soar1

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 11-22-2001, 05:33 PM   #2
    ADepressedGuy
    Junior Member
     
    ADepressedGuy's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2001
    Location: USA
    Posts: 34
    ADepressedGuy HB User
    Post

    I'm no expert..I graduated highschool only recentley...But this sounds like my story...almost exactly... In highshcool we take things like cigarettes and pot 'non-serious' offensives, even though down the road they can lead ot addiction...He obviously is a little rebelious but this is normal, I had a girlfriend pregnant, turned out to be another guy's baby..I told my parents those same words..I wrecked my truck

    My parents put me in a Charter School... South Plains Academy..It's a comepletely normal highschool where you get your normal highschool diploma...You work at your own pace, and I got a lot more out of it..if he really is smart (like I was) and just doesnt apply himself, he can finsih the rest of highshcool in HALF the time he is doing it now and leave with more knowledge than he would a normal school...Charter highschools require the same amount and types of courses, and you have to master every objective to get through them with testing... I was looking at staying in my normal highschool for 2 more years atleast ot graduate,,I went toi a Charter HIghschool and worked all day everyday quickly and was done in 6 months... had a much greater understanding of the material than I would have had in the normal highschool setting...In my opinion, most public highschools are a JOKE. If it wasnt for charter schools I would of flunked and made nothing of my self until I just dropped out.Now I have a Diploma, job, and am going to college...G'luck..
    __________________
    -------------

     
    Old 11-23-2001, 12:10 PM   #3
    mfree1
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    mfree1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2001
    Location: Columbus, Ohio, USA
    Posts: 119
    mfree1 HB User
    Arrow

    It sounds like you have a teenager on your hands! Don't panic... most kids are good kids. It sounds like you're concerned and honest, so you have the framework to intervene.

    As far as smoking goes, I've found that most kids respond to their parents' CONCERN, rather than anger. You need to tell your son that you're worried about his health. He might need to be reminded of the short term effects of smoking: not being able to run as fast, skin problems, and impotence. Smoking pot can cause even worse lung damage (it's not filtered.) Teenage boys pay pretty close attention if you point out that marijuana can lead to gynecomastia (enlarged breasts.) Teenagers aren't interested in lung cancer or emphysema because these don't usually strike for decades.

    Hanging out with the wrong crowd is another story. You may want to empower your son to make up his own mind about the group's leader. You could mention how groups like that TAKE HIS FREEDOM AWAY. In other words, he's stuck following the rules and behaviors of some other guy. Then you can mention how you believe that your son is smarter than that; he's a sharp guy, he would never want to get a woman pregnant in high school. He's smart enough to tell when a clique is run by a bozo. You want to set up the situation so that it becomes your son's decision to hang out with a different group of friends.

    I know that all of this is easier said than done. Things don't change overnight, but teenagers spend a lot of time trying out new identities--this might just be one of many.

    Relax and good luck.

     
    Old 11-24-2001, 08:34 PM   #4
    Shareen64
    Junior Member
     
    Shareen64's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2001
    Location: US
    Posts: 29
    Shareen64 HB User
    Post

    I also graduated from high school not too long ago.

    As far as smoking goes...telling him about the effects won't do any good. Almost every teen knows the effects of it already. If you have any friend/neighbors etc. who are doctors/nurses, IF not then ask your own doctor, to help you out. Ask them to take you to the hospital OR perhaps introduce you to a patient who is/has suffered from lung cancer(or other horrible effects) as a result of smoking. Then take your son, and have you son see with hiw OWN eyes/and hear with his OWN ears what smoking does. I was in a health CO-OP class in HS(for students wanting to be pre-med) and a few ppl. there smoked. But then they started working in the hospital part time and met patients like these first hand and it made a huge impact on them.

    You said you already told him you're not going to get him a car. Stick to your words. Do NOT get him a car. If you see him doing something illegal(smoking pot, underage drinking), turn him in to police. It's better that he spent one night in detention center now and MAYBE end up in jail later for years. You said he hangs out with older kids...if these kids are over 18 and giving him cigarettes, they're breaking the law. Don't hesitate to turn them in.

    I don't think smoking pot(or anything else) is "normal"...even in high school. I know many guys/girls(myself included) who went through high school and choose not to smoke anything. Of course it depends on what kind of friends you have. I didn't hang out with guys/girl who thought smoking pot and getting your girlfriend pregnant was cool.

    Don't get him a car. Cut down on his allowance if necessary(with enough money, he can(if he chooses to) buy drugs), don't let him get a job(again access to money).

    Of course these ae my suggestions. You know your son much better so ultimately, you decide what you want to do.

    Good luck!

     
    Old 11-26-2001, 07:39 PM   #5
    soar1
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    soar1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2001
    Location: Colorado
    Posts: 48
    soar1 HB User
    Post

    Thanks to all who have posted so far. It is beneficial to hear from other's who have experienced these issues. My wife and I have grown up in the 60's-80's generation and know about which you speak. We have considered a Charter School option and our son swears he won't go, but we will have to decide and deal with that later. He ditched his first class today and that didn't help things out. Thanks for your help and keep the dialog coming. We do appreciate it very much.

    Soar1

     
    Old 12-16-2001, 01:47 PM   #6
    college_dude
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    college_dude's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2001
    Location: VA , USA
    Posts: 30
    college_dude HB User
    Post

    It sounds like to me that what your son needs is a swift kick in the a$$, and a dose of reality. I know from experience because a few years ago I was in his shoes. I absolutely hated high school, and did not take it seriously at all. As a result my grades were terrible. I had no intenion of ever going to college.

    I spent most of my time hanging around with a bunch of local rednecks most of whom are still living in the same trailer parks that they came from, are stuck in dead end jobs, and have been married multiple times. One of them is even in prison for murder.

    Looking back, the only reason that I hung out with those jerk offs is because I really did not fit in with any of the other cliques at my school, and they were the only ones who accepted me.

    As far as smoking cigs goes, that is just a plain stupid habit. He is probably only doing it to look "cool". Definately let him know that you are concerned about his health and that smoking cigarettes will kill him. If he needs proof, take him to visit a lung cancer or emphesema ward so he can see how "cool" the smokers in there look. If he insists on spending his allowance to buy cigs, CUT HIS ALLOWANCE OFF! Buy him only what he needs and nothing else.

    DO NOT BUY HIM A CAR! One of the best things my dad did to me when I was coming along was when everyone elses parents were buying them nice new vehicles, he told me. "You want a car, get a job and buy your own car!" It was not that dad could not afford to buy me a car, he was the vice president of a large bank, and made a six figure salary. On top of that he refused to even co-sign a note so I could get a loan at the bank and buy a car built in the last decade.

    So I got a part-time job making practically nothing. Of course all I could afford on what I was making was a rusted out, rebuilt wreck, of a Jeep Wagoneer that had long passed the 100,000 mile mark, but at least it was a 4x4 so it was cool. The car had to be titled in dad's name (since I was only 16) and he told me that if he EVER caught me out drinking or doing drugs, he would take my Jeep to the local junkyard and have it crushed. I knew he meant it too!

    After I got that Jeep, most of my spare time was spent working on that worn out heap of junk to just to keep it running, and all of my spare money went to the local Jeep dealer for parts. Needless to say, I did not have much time to hang out with the local yocals, or any extra money to buy cigs, dope, or booze. Maybe there was a motive in my dad's madness!

    Somehow, I managed to get into college at Dad's alma mater, (probably because some of Dad's rich college buddies pulled some strings) because I definately did not have the grades to go there. Getting the heck away from home was the best thing that ever happened to me. I did well in college, and met a new group of friends. When I came home for breaks I no longer had anything in commmon with the my old friends, so I did not associate with them. I still don't.

    If your son continues to hang out with this bunch of losers, perhaps the best thing you could do is get him away from them. My dad always threatened to send me away to a private military academy in another part of the state if I did not shape up. I guess I never crossed the line that would have made him send me. Now, I really wish that he had sent me there because I think I would have been much better prepared for college than I was in a public high school.

    Most importantly, sit him down and talk to him, and tell him how much you love him, and that you want him to succeed in life, but that you are really concerned about the direction he is taking.

    Make sure that you tell him that he can talk to you about anything. I never felt comfortable talking to my dad about some of the stuff that I was going through as a teen. He was always sort of a distant figure in my life and now I wish we had been closer. He probably could have helped me with a lot of the stuff I was dealing with because he had been through it all himself. Really it dosen't matter when you grew up the issues teens deal with, peer pressure, sex, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, really haven't changed much since the 60s.

    Most of all do not dispair, my parents thought I would never finish high school, but I recently earned a Masters degree from a very well respected university. So do not give up, there is still hope for your son!



    [This message has been edited by college_dude (edited 12-16-2001).]

     
    Old 12-19-2001, 09:13 AM   #7
    AngelofBlue
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Dickson,Tn,USA
    Posts: 27
    AngelofBlue HB User
    Cool

    Well I agree with Collage boy. I am young but mature enough to know what you mean.Your son needs stronger dicipline. Maybe,if things get worse,boot camp. My brother went for 2 wks and he was straitened out. If it isn't were you need that kind of serious punish then just be more strict. Like if he comes in late,and you specifically mentioned that he was to come home by a certain time,then don't let him go anywere for a week,use the car,phone,ect.You can also tell,unless he wears colonge, when he has smoked pot or cigarettes. On is clothes,breath,fingers,ect.Anyway just be more strict when it comes to any of those things. If it gets to "BootCamp serious" then turn to them. The WILL straiten him out.

    ------------------
    AngelOfBlue

     
    Old 12-21-2001, 12:22 AM   #8
    JustinF
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Albanyish, NY, USA
    Posts: 14
    JustinF HB User
    Post

    Well this isn't the "politically correct" answer but I'd say just let him sort things out himself. Offer him help, let him know that you are there, educate him, try to get him away from it all, and basically do everything in your power to persuade him against what he is doing. But, the fact is he's going to do whatever he feels like whether you know/like it or not. Punishing him won't help, he's not 5 years old. And truthfully he does have the right to hang out with whoever he wants to, but explain to him that he also must face the consequences that go with it all by himself. If he goes to jail, tell him you won't bail him out. Won't get him out of anything he got himself into. This is really the only way he'll learn...

    Basically, do your best...but in the end he's going to do what he wants until he gets in trouble. Sucks, but it's reality.

     
    Old 12-21-2001, 07:41 AM   #9
    Babernethy
    Senior Member
     
    Babernethy's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2001
    Location: King City, Canada
    Posts: 200
    Babernethy HB User
    Post

    I work in a High School and I'd suggest you get in to the school and speak with the councillors. Sounds to me like he needs to be watched, closely. I see a lot of students with the attitudes being expressed by your son who turn into great big losers! The above poster said..'It's his life' to screw up as he pleases. He is 15 and he is not yet old enough to make the kind of decisions needed to think about his future. Another poster suggested a kick in the butt another said a part time job. These are good ideas also. You mentioned his allowance being used like water...cut it off. Make him work for it in chores at the house. If he does not want to help out don't give him any. Tell him that if he wants cash to get a job. This will take time away from his 'friends' and give him some responsibility. I'd also talk to the police about him. Call them up and find out who the community liason is. Explain the problems you are having and your concerns and ask them to make a presence at the 'local hang out spot'. Without pointing any fingers at you, the kids will notice that the police are noticing THEM! This can be a powerfull message to them.
    Another poster wrote that kids are basically all good.
    Here's what I think about kids in general after working with them for 12 years: Babies turn into children who turn into kids who at about 12 turn into animals, and then into people at about 19. They turn into adults when they mature. Of course this is not true in all cases, but it sums up a great many.
    I hope I've helped you a little. By the way I am 40 and have 2 children...not quite animals yet!
    B

     
    Old 12-21-2001, 01:53 PM   #10
    DeniseSinger
    Junior Member
     
    DeniseSinger's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Warwick, RI, USA
    Posts: 28
    DeniseSinger HB User
    Post

    Alright, calm down. First of all, you know waaaay too much about these kids! Did you do research? How do you know how they are in school, how many absences, etc? That's... something... All kids have friends who smoke weed and cigarettes. When you're in high school there is weed and cigarettes. That's how it is. All over the place. There's tons of stuff way worse than that too. High school kids experiment. They hit puberty and get an attitude. People get home late. Sounds like you're making a mountain out of a mole hill to me.
    __________________
    Denise

     
    Old 12-21-2001, 02:41 PM   #11
    AngelofBlue
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Dickson,Tn,USA
    Posts: 27
    AngelofBlue HB User
    Talking

    I definately agree with bayleeshouse because he is not 18,not an adult, and yes punishment will work. Justin obviously you don't know what your talking about because bootcamp,or some temporary time in a jail cell, will obviously work. If he gets in jail,let him stay there.Unless your over 18 punishment WILL work.

     
    Old 12-21-2001, 02:43 PM   #12
    AngelofBlue
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Dickson,Tn,USA
    Posts: 27
    AngelofBlue HB User
    Cool

    Oh and by the way I do not have ANY friends who smoke weed or cigarettes so don't even go there denise.

    ------------------
    AngelOfBlue

     
    Old 12-22-2001, 04:03 AM   #13
    JustinF
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Albanyish, NY, USA
    Posts: 14
    JustinF HB User
    Post

    Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, just giving you my honest opinion. I would be in high school right now if I didn't drop out (I dropped out and went to college early) and I was just giving her somewhat of her sons point of view. I also agree with Denise.

    And notice I said that if he gets himself in jail, let him stay there. Don't punish him yourself, let him do his own punishment.

     
    Old 12-23-2001, 03:34 PM   #14
    DeniseSinger
    Junior Member
     
    DeniseSinger's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Warwick, RI, USA
    Posts: 28
    DeniseSinger HB User
    Post

    AngelofBlue, are you in high school? Well I am and drugs are all over the place. I was just stating a fact. And I *am* friends with people who do drugs, they CAN be nice people. But just because a person knows someone who does drugs, doesn't mean they do. I've never tried weed. And my friends don't try to pressure me or anything. I also agree with Justin in that, if he wants to drink and smoke, he will. And if you tell him he can't hang out with those friends, he's just going to get mad and maybe he'll start sneaking out and rebelling even more. I definitely agree with what Justin said...
    __________________
    Denise

     
    Old 12-23-2001, 09:36 PM   #15
    AngelofBlue
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2001
    Location: Dickson,Tn,USA
    Posts: 27
    AngelofBlue HB User
    Post

    yes I am and good for you denise. I was just stating a fact also. In my high school there is NO drugs. Can you say police?Drug dogs?Code Blue? Ever heard of a clean high school?? Not all high schools have druggies. Oh and by the way I never said druggies were bad people or that they couldn't be nice. Don't jump to conclusions of what I think.I'm glad you have never tried drugs. Niether have I. Great for you.Really.

    ------------------
    AngelOfBlue

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    teenage son problems! Advice please! stayd2lng4u Parenting Issues 6 10-29-2009 07:57 PM
    5 year old hissy fits over clothes - advice needed kelticman Parenting Issues 6 10-25-2008 06:46 PM
    ADD or ADHD - Have teen with extreme anger issues, new to this need advice? jr2212 ADD / ADHD 11 10-04-2008 10:27 AM
    Need Advice for dealing with doctors Frosty6 Back Problems 10 04-04-2006 05:45 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:46 AM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!