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  • GF doesn't love daughter (yet?)

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    Old 06-07-2016, 08:23 PM   #1
    jpmII
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    GF doesn't love daughter (yet?)

    I divorced from my first marriage about a year ago, and have been separated for about 2 years. I shar 50/50 custody of my 5 year old daughter with my ex-wife. I started dating my current girlfriend about a year ago, and honestly, it is the best love I could have ever imagined. The way we are on all levels is deeper than I have ever seen two people have, and it is very apparent to everyone on the outside looking in. The only problem we have is our kids. I have a 5-year-old (50/50 custody), and she has a 4-year-old son and twin 2-year-old daughters (80/20 in my girlfriends favor). Her kids absolutely adore me and I adore them, and at least so far, and I am really comfortable that we could work as a family should the time come. She is not comfortable with my daughter, though. My daughter is pretty well behaved, but she has some issues with anger and respecting adults, that has come up from the divorce. I am really on top of my daughter’s behavior, and she has been seeing a therapist weekly for about 6 months—but, nonetheless, she has her moments. My girlfriend is frightened because my daughter’s behavior really bothers her, and she has a hard time loving her and accepting her as one of her own. I know not everyone loves their stepchildren, and blending families do take time. But is this normal?
    Should we continue working on our relationship, and working on how we interact with the kids?
    Does this just need more time and effort to evolve?
    Is this just unfair to my girlfriend and daughter, and should we break it off and accept that this isn’t working?
    I love my girlfriend very much, and I really could see us as a family. I just want whatever advice and resources you may have on how to move forward with our life scenario.

     
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    Old 06-07-2016, 11:04 PM   #2
    Calliope O
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    Re: GF doesn't love daughter (yet?)

    I am really happy to hear you are aware of you daughters behavior and responding to it in appropriate manner. As a child going through divorce it can definitely lead to behavior problems and emotional blocks. I am also an example, my parents were divorced when I was 3 and I had anger outbursts and other emotional issues. To address your question though this is something that you truly need to have an in depth conversation with your girlfriend about. You will get a 100 different responses from a 100 different people ranging from leave her to don't for this or that reason and also good ones that have psychological and experience related background. My opinion though is that a discussion between you guys needs to happen and I don't know if you have talked a little or not about it but I'm talking like really in depth. With as impotant as this is, your happines, your girlfriend, and all of your kids. Bringing in a family counselor or psychologist could really aid in helping this problem if it doesn't resolve on its own from the possible advice that you get from here. Focusing on helping your daughters behavior and helping your girlfriend not be scared of her or any other thing you have going on is something that all three of you will need to give you full commitment to, constant attention and exercises are what its going to take to mend this wall. And I hope it's clear than none of this reaction makes her a bad partner. It's just like a lot of other bumps in the road that sometimes come up with dating and having kids that has to be worked through. Of course if the situation is detrimental to any person involved then it immediately needs to stop but it all comes down to you, if this is truly what you would have your heart set on fixing and want to try and find out if you can then do it. I also am by no means saying this will without a doubt fix it no advice ever should be taken that way, every situation is different as are the circumstances.

    Last edited by Calliope O; 06-07-2016 at 11:21 PM.

     
    Old 06-07-2016, 11:21 PM   #3
    Calliope O
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    Re: GF doesn't love daughter (yet?)

    I am really happy to hear you are aware of you daughters behavior and responding to it in appropriate manner. As a child going through divorce it can definitely lead to behavior problems and emotional blocks. I am also an example, my parents were divorced when I was 3 and I had anger outbursts and other emotional issues. To address your question though this is something that you truly need to have an in depth conversation with your girlfriend about. You will get a 100 different responses from a 100 different people ranging from leave her to don't for this or that reason and also good ones that have psychological and experience related background. My opinion though is that a discussion between you guys needs to happen and I don't know if you have talked a little or not about it but I'm talking like really in depth. With as impotant as this is, your happines, your girlfriend, and all of your kids. Bringing in a family counselor or psychologist could really aid in helping this problem if it doesn't resolve on its own from the possible advice you get from here. Focusing on helping your daughters behavior and helping your girlfriend not be scared of her is something that all three of you will need to give you full commitment to, constant attention and exercises are what its going to take to mend this wall. And I hope it's clear than none of this reaction makes her a bad partner. It's just like a lot of other bumps in the road that sometimes come up with dating and having kids that has to be worked through.

     
    Old 06-08-2016, 03:08 AM   #4
    MSNik
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    Re: GF doesn't love daughter (yet?)

    It sounds to me like you got divorced and started a new relationship at the same time. This would be confusing to any little girl and it certainly isnt helping her already confused mind about what happened with her parents. She was 4 at the time this all started? No 4 year old has the capacity to understand this. I am happy to hear you are getting her the help she needs right now.

    My question to you is where does your loyalty lie? Are you more concerned about your relationship or your daughter's welfare? Maybe the question isnt about your girlfriend, but about getting your daughter over this hurdle for awhile, so that you can then be in a place to have a serious relationship. It is YOU who is putting yourself first, from what you are saying. Your girlfriend is a grown woman, who, if she loves you, will want you to put your daughter first. You might want to think about exactly how much stress this is putting on your relationship and whether or not you have the partner who is going to help you when life gets rough.

    Is there a way to keep your daughter away from the girfriend for a few months while you work on her problems with your ex and the therapist before trying to solve the issue of your girlfriend and your daughter? They are two totally separate issues from what you are saying....your daughter needs her dad. If I were 5, I wouldnt be too happy about sharing my "dad time" with another woman either. Your girlfriend needs her man, but probably isnt too thrilled about sharing that time with a daughter with problems.

    As a woman who married a man who had 2 kids and full custody, I have been where she is. It took us allot of time to get to the point where the kids didnt feel threatened and were fully open to having me in their lives. Fast forward 11 years, the kids are growing up and no longer need 'parents' down their throats, but it is ME they come to when they need to talk. Things can work out, but you have two very separate issues going on. Which one needs your undivided attention right now?

    Your daughter will work through this with professional help, but maybe your gf needs to be placed on the back burner until things are alittle more comfortable for your daughter. Or at least, keep them two separate issues until the time is right to try again.

    Best of luck to you.
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