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-   -   Help with Teenage daughter going off the rails. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/parenting-issues/1031298-help-teenage-daughter-going-off-rails.html)

prouhiainen1 02-26-2017 06:38 AM

Help with Teenage daughter going off the rails.
 
I have a 16 year old daughter that, in my mind, is going off the rails. She's hanging around with guys that are 21. She's having sex with multiple partners. She maintaining decent grades at school and is essentially a good kid. She's dabbled with drinking and drugs but does not seem to have had issues with either. She's constantly on her phone. We've put some rules in place as far as cell phone use and she adheres to some but not all rules. She deletes messages with the guys that she's seeing. These guys have no interest in any kind of relationship and are only using her but she doesn't see that. High school has been hard on her, and she has not close girlfriends at all. Up to grade 8, she had a great peer group. Since getting her phone in grade 8, things have changed. She's threatened to leave the house and is very defiant when we attempt to take her phone. We've had her in counselling but that hasn't gone well. The people that she's seen seem to think she's ok and that I'm overbearing. We are considering cancelling her phone contract but are afraid that will cause her to lose it and we don't want her to leave. Her older sister who is 19 is a very good student and has had a boyfriend for 2 years. She's getting texts about her sister and her reckless behaviour and is disgusted and disturbed. This is completely effecting our family. I need some advice!! And I need it quickly. Please help.

MSNik 02-26-2017 11:38 AM

Re: Help with Teenage daughter going off the rails.
 
Hi. IM sorry you are at such a loss right now. 16 year olds are tough and I went through this with two girls. Like you, one was easier than the other.

With my difficult one, rules were laid down and if not followed, harsher penalties were put in place. At one time, we actually drove her to a boarding school which we had no money for, so that she could see where she would be living over the next 2 years if she continued down her path of drinking and boys...she was also 16. She straightened up pretty fast.
The one thing I might remind you of is that stating "you can do whatever you want when you are 18, but not while you are 16" seemed to eventually get through to her. Shes having sex at 16? Take her to a clinic where they can scare the heck out of her...have you had her to a GYN for a pelvic yet? Thats an eye opener! Have a doctor talk to her about STDs and long term effects of casual sex...remind her that if she wants to leave when she is 18 you will not stop her, however, also ask her where she will leave, how she will buy food and pay for a car...all the usual things that she is right now taking for granted. One by one, cut them off to see how she likes it. She isnt going to "run away" and if she does- you will find her. Remind yourself, she is underage and you have every right to tell her what to do and what she cannot do. Dont let your kid be the adult here.

As for dating 21 year olds..how about having a talk with him? Might her father step in on this one? No 21 year old should be messing with a 16 year old and statutary rape might scare him if you threaten it.

Best of luck to you...this is a terrible situation to be in but please remember who is the parent here.

prouhiainen1 02-26-2017 12:40 PM

Re: Help with Teenage daughter going off the rails.
 
Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear from someone who's lived through this. We just removed her from our cell phone plan and she's now having to pay for her own. Hopefully, she's realizes quickly, how expensive phones are and gets moving to look for another job. We are also going to get her signed up at Crossfit and hope that she starts making better use of her time. I'd love to get her to the doctor but she refuses.
I hope I get through this with my marriage and my sanity in tact.

MSNik 02-27-2017 05:01 AM

Re: Help with Teenage daughter going off the rails.
 
You are off to a good start!

I know how hard it is...but removing the temptations and the accessibility are key to this. Does she drive? Suspend her license or take away her car keys...unfortunately this means more work for you and your husband, but monitoring her whereabouts will keep her safe in the long run. You already took away the phone privledges and are now making her pay for this, does she have a job to do so? Make sure she doesnt start selling things to get money- I went through this too....( to the point where all of my jewerly wound up locked up in a safe). Things started dissappearing around our house..

Keeping her closely monitored (8 pm lockdown in her room) as well as not allowing her to drive anywhere prevented her from meeting up with people we didnt want her to see- even if they showed up at the mall where we dropped her off, etc, we knew that she didnt have enough time to really get into trouble. Interestingly enough, her older friends dropped HER when they realized she was still very much under our control. Things turned around eventually.

By the way, she is now 19 and in college full time, living at home and also working 25 hours a week and is a straight A student and we are closer than ever...there is hope! You just have to lay down the law until her brain catches up with her body and she starts realizing that you are serious!

Good luck!


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