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RTmom41 10-18-2017 09:57 AM

19 year old moved out ...
 
Good morning, I'm just looking for a little advice on a situation. My 19year old daughter decided to move out and get her own apartment with a long time friend that has just recently become her boyfriend, she said another friend of hers will also be moving in. I guess I feel disappointed, sad, or devastated not sure at this point. I don't mind her moving out since she is technically an "adult". However I disagree with her moving out with a boyfriend, both her dad and I are not happy with her but I'm not sure how I can be there for her without supporting this. We took her car away and I feel I should let her have it back since she does need it for transportation to work and school. The boyfriend by the way is in my opinion not a good positive person in her life. He does things that are not legal.

I think this is a big mistakes, however it's her mistake she has to learn from. I'm just afraid of any permanent damage that can't be fixed..

MSNik 10-18-2017 03:28 PM

Re: 19 year old moved out...
 
I have been there. Exactly there. Its tough!

But, the best thing you can do is NOT push your daughter away and make sure she knows that she has a place to come home to if she finds out this is a mistake.

I dont know about you, but at 19 I didnt listen to my mother and I was doing what I wanted- even though many of my decisions backfired! At the age of 18 I moved out, but at the age of 22, I moved back home for a few months while my mom helped me figure out the next move. By the way, she is still (25 years late) my best friend.

Give your daughter the car, but take her off your insurance, make sure the car is in her name and if there are any payments left on it, turn them over to her. I agree that she needs a car; but you don't have to help her keep it on the road. If she thinks she is mature enough to move out, then finding out what "real life" is like, paying bills, sacrificing going out for having to buy insurance, etc....this is the time for her to find out.

Always, always, let her know you love her and that you will be there if she needs to talk or needs advice. Maybe even try to convince her to meet you for lunch or brunch or come home for dinner one night a week. If you have to invite the bf too, invite him. Better to know your enemy than wonder about him.

I went through this a year ago with a 19 year old...it took her less than 3 months to break up with the boyfriend and come to me in tears. The result was that I knew from one of her friends mothers that another 20 year old female was looking for a room to rent. The two of them are still living together, sharing rent and food and learning how to be adults.

Does your daughter work or go to school? Mine was juggling both at the time...She has since graduated school and found a fulltime job. Last week she told me she wants to go back for her masters!

Remember, you can only raise them - you cant live their life for them. If you did your part, you have to trust that she will be okay.

Best of luck to you! (both of you)
MSNik

RTmom41 10-18-2017 04:53 PM

Re: 19 year old moved out...
 
Thank you for your comment, knowing that other people also has had the same experience helps. Yes she goes to school and works. I definitely don't want to push her away.

Seraph 10-18-2017 06:44 PM

Re: 19 year old moved out...
 
One of the hardest things a parent can face is to watch your child step out of the safe nest and make their own decisions. Mother Nature programmed young creatures to make this move, but I believe that she forgot to programme the parents. Like you and Msnik, I had my daughter leave home with a boyfriend at 19. She was fine, though the relationship didn't last. I think the realities of the new "independence" and loss of the parental safety net kind of puts too much pressure on this first relationship so it can be a self-regulating thing where only a strong bond will survive. Keep the lines of loving communication open, and include the bf, as Msnik suggests...Any hint of her having to choose will end badly for you. (Another hard bit of parenting - smile and welcome the chosen partner no matter your own reservations). Enjoy the new relationship you will have with your adult independent daughter! Cheers, Sera

RTmom41 10-19-2017 09:38 AM

Re: 19 year old moved out ...
 
Thank you for your advice. I definitely will continue communication with my daughter however the boyfriend is something she will have to date outside of our home. I failed to mention he sells pot and I have other children in my home to think about. My husband and I both have medical licenses that we need so we can work and we can't be around people who sell drugs, nor do we want to be around that.


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