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-   -   Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/parenting-issues/1041693-my-boyfriend-s-daughter-jealous.html)

KaliMar 04-06-2018 10:11 PM

Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous?
 
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. When I first met him, his daughter was 6 and will be turning 8 in a few weeks. I didnít meet her right away, and he slowly introduced me into her life. He managed it flawlessly. He is a great dad and gives just as much discipline as he does love.

His daughter is a very sweet girl and I do love her. She is very charismatic and is a character for sure. She tends to act way older than she is or way younger. Her and I get a long very well. She is an only child and her mom and my boyfriend have a good working relationship. His daughter can be quite the handful, she is extremely whiny, and pouts when she does not get her way. Lately I have been noticing she always talks in a baby voice around my boyfriend. Over the last two years occasionally when I would stay the night at his house his daughter would sleep in the bed with us, and I knew she would sleep in the bed with him when I was not there. At first I thought this was normal but Afternoon moving in with him I have noticed that she wants to sleep in our bed most nights and he lets her. This is starting to become an issue to me. On nights when he does not let her fall asleep with us she will act as though she is sick and make herself throw up. And then he invites her to sleep in our bed with us or he goes down to sleep with her.

As much as I do love his daughter, I am finding that I do not look forward to the days he has her or the weekends he has her. I am not sure if she is jealous of the time her dad is not splitting or what. But Itís becoming quite the issue when I cannot have time with my boyfriend in our bed and the fake sickness is becoming too much for me. HELP!

MSNik 04-07-2018 03:43 AM

Re: Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous?
 
Hi. WOW. I am a step mom to two girls...they were 6 and 8 when they came into my life (15 years ago)- and I remember the pouts and tantrums and how they tried to get their dad to hate me...but ...

Something is wrong here. It is not normal or healthy for a grown man to allow his 8 year old in his bed...this is not just "jealousy" on your boyfriends daughter's part, but is a sign of something wrong with your boyfriend.

Have you asked him how long he plans to allow this to continue? Will he let his daughter when she is 12 still sleep with him? Does he not think this is weird? Have you tried to ask him WHY he thinks this is okay...or what her mother might think if she knew? (Does she know?) Its kind of a touchy situation....but honestly I think you know that this is wrong.

If I were you, I would attempt to have a conversation with him asking him to explain himself....give him the benefit of the doubt UNTIL he either makes sense or makes NO sense...and then you have to separate yourself. Make plans NOT to sleep over when she is there....let him see you are very serious that you are not sharing your bed with an 8 year old...


Maybe try to talk to her? Ask her why she wants to sleep with her dad? Do you think that she is craving one on one time with her Dad and no longer gets it because "you are always there"? Do you think allowing them a few hours over the weekend for dad/ daughter time might help?

Unfortunately, this is not looking good for you...you may have to step away from this situation OR you will have to accept it. I personally would not sleep in a bed with an 8 year old...this is not jealousy, its manipulation.

Sorry- im probably not helping you...but you asked is she jealous? I dont think so, I think she is manipulative and trying to get her dad to herself...there is a way to give her that time without you being included...(I had to do this with my husband when we were dating- allow him to go to dinner with his girls and have dad days without me to keep them satisfied). Eventually she will grow up and grow out of this, but the fact that he doesnt see sleeping with his 8 year old a problem is concerning.

Good luck!

quincy 04-07-2018 07:40 AM

Re: Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous?
 
Definitely red flags go up while reading this.

It's not normal for the parents to not encourage autonomy of their daugher at bedtime. Eight is way to old for her bedtime behaviour, but she is between parents without some consistency, so her acting out from my perspective shows insecurity and lack of guidance and boundaries....it could set her up for many issues with males and friends in the future. She seems in a fragile position.

Step in, discuss it with your boyfriend asap. If he thinks this is normal, then maybe the two of you should consider counselling. Hopefully that will give him insight and a plan for action.

q

justadude 05-29-2018 04:27 AM

Re: Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous?
 
His daughter is jealous of you and she does not want to share.
However there are many families that have family beds and their kids have grown up well adjusted.
Society assumes that something intimate is happening we do not know this being fact.
Maybe you will need to learn to share.

yayagirl 05-29-2018 05:02 AM

Re: Is my boyfriendís daughter jealous?
 
Dear KaliMar,

The main thing in my opinion is that whatever that is, it is not healthy at her age for her to not want to be in her own space. Maybe nothing is wrong besides the fact that they got into an unhealthy habit. However, you are not his wife and not her mother.

You have to separately act on your own values and make your own decisions. You are not going to change them, and they will both resent you if you try to stand between them.

If you cool down and act on your own values, and busy yourself with your own life without pointing fingers at them, you have a chance of redeeming the relationship with both of them.

I suggest that if you want this to work that you back off, and stop spending the night. Rather than to have a discussion about what is wrong or right with them, act on your own convictions and let boyfriend see that you won't participate in the scenario as it is. If he really cares, you can trust that 'he' will make the necessary changes. If he won't do it on his own, hon, you will always be odd person out.

The way I see it is you have choices you need to make for yourself. We cannot change other people. We have to draw the lines for ourselves, and others will accept and embrace us as we are, or they will move on. It seems time for you to learn where you really stand with boyfriend. Or just be another girl in his life.

Love,


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