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  • Boyfriendís daughter is moving in

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    Old 07-21-2018, 09:16 PM   #1
    Bh04
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    Boyfriendís daughter is moving in

    Hi, I have been living with my boyfriend for the past year and a half and share expenses and decision with one another. He is divorced and has children from the previous marriage. One is a 16 year old boy and the other is a 14 year old girl. We live about an hour away from them so, we have them quite regularly. In fact, his daughter has spent the majority of the past couple months with us (before working around school + the whole summer). She will be a freshman in high school this coming fall and she is diving into the midst of puberty alongside it. Her reason for moving is because she does not always get a long very well with her mom and is very unhappy by their situation. Also, her mom is considering moving due to work and she is worried she will have to transfer schools in the middle of her 4 years and that worries her. I agreed with my boyfriend and leaped to the idea of her coming with us and going to school over her all consecutive four years. I care for her deeply and she is an extremely great girl with the exception of an attitude and jealousy. I understand that for I was a teen with a lot of attitude and had a single dad who entered a committed relationship as well. That said, I try to be as respectful to her and her fathers relationship as I possibly can be. When I first moved in, she was sleeping in the same bed with us for a couple weeks despite my constant explanation of how I was not Okay with it.

    My boyfriend, whoís in therapy, did bring it up to his therapist who did indeed tell him how inapropriate it was and he did make the change. However, it upset her of course which I understood because she was accustom to it and didnít know any different so I didnít feel the need to be upset with her because she was the child. Him and I had multiple conversations about it and he explained to me he was trying to please me but she was upset and he wasnít ok with her being upset. That rubbed me the wrong way. However, we got past that and everything evened out and that no longer is an issue for us. Even though that problem was resolved, we have had many similar ones that foil that situation very much.

    I believe my boyfriend is an overcompensator due to the fact he has felt financially burdened the majority of raising them. I was raised with the idea that a child should be treated fairly because they are people, but below the adult simply because they are still children. He believes that a child should be treated just as equal and every feeling they have needs to be tended to immediately. I believe this to be the case as well, but I think long term and what would benefit them more in the long run. This is something we find conflict in quite a lot. That said, she is moving in and Iím terrified.

    Iím beyond excited because I love both of them so much and I am excited to see my boyfriend get the opportunity to be more involved in every aspect of her life and I am proud of her for seeking out a healthier environment for herself. We lived with my boyfriends sister and her kids as well. That being said, my Boyfriends daughter has grown up very close with her aunt. I admire every bit of their relationship and bond and she is a really great maternal figure for her.

    What my fear is, is my boyfriend has always been very dependent and considerate of his sister ósomething I respect, but am cautious about. He has already involved her so much, so that I am feeling rather on the side lines. I donít want to assume the role of her mother for she has one and I donít believe that to be my place. I am very fearful, however, that my boyfriend is going to give all authoritive power to his sister rather than me simply because thatís what heís accustom to. I feel as though they are sharing the partnership in this scenario and a part of me very much appreciates it because it is going to be extremely difficult in terms of boundaries, mental support, expectations, rules, and financially as well. Despite this, my boyfriend and I plan to move out as soon as we can find a place and meet the demands.

    Im worried that Iím going to be co-financially responsible for this child and look after her (which I am more than eager to do and have no issue doing so) but feel as though I will be pushed on the outside. I feel as though because my boyfriend and I will be splitting the responsibility of her, it should be a partnership between him and I. I fully appreciate the help from his sister and welcome it with open arms because his daughter is so close with her and comfortable. I want her to feel comfortable and secure and loved.

    Buuut I canít help but feel like Iím not going to be apart of this other than my money and that scares me. I am ready to do it and I really want to but I donít want it to simply be financial. Is that wrong of me to feel this way? How should I go about it? How do I explain it to my boyfriend? Sorry it was so long but I would really appreciate some advice!

     
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    Old 07-22-2018, 07:54 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Boyfriendís daughter is moving in

    Dear Bh04,

    Hon, aren't you only 19 years old?
    Honey, this guy's daughter is almost a woman, not a little girl that wants or needs you to mother her. She is unhappy with her mother because she wants her freedom. She has her aunt, and is not looking for mommy number two or three. Boyfriend isn't looking for a mother for his children or a decision partner for his family which clearly consists of his children and sister.

    I can see that you really want to be an important part of his family, but pay very close attention to your feeling that you aren't. You feel it because it's true. You are having very rational and normal thoughts and feelings about that situation. Trust your gut instincts.

    For your mental health sake, don't try to be his children's mommy in any manner or get attached to them. They have a mother and they are not your children. You aren't even the guy's wife. I hope you seriously think about why you are there helping to support this guy's very skewed lifestyle, and now would be expected to help financially support his daughter that doesn't want her mother involved with her choices.

    You have your whole life ahead of you, and from what I read (your other posts) you are bright and intelligent, loving and giving. You deserve a guy that puts you first, ahead of himself as well as any children that might come of the relationship.

    I think you know what is going on, but have been seduced maybe by hopes of something you haven't had, like a big happy family. Sweetie this family wants your income and the guy wants sex, but you need to think long and hard if this is the mess of a life that you want for your own children. Because you are taking a huge risk that you might bring your own child into this dysfunction.

    To explain it, just state that you want your own family and you wish him well, but that isn't what you want for yourself. He might even be relieved. Maybe the guy is a good person that really is trying. But that doesn't make his problems your problems. Don't let HIS needs and desires confuse you. You can break free of that and find someone that puts you first.

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    Last edited by yayagirl; 07-22-2018 at 07:58 AM.

     
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    Old 07-23-2018, 04:35 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriendís daughter is moving in

    Hi there. I read your other posts and learned that you are only 19 years old. Do you really want the responsibility of raising a 16 year old when you are barely through your teens yourself? This sounds like a completely disfunctional family....the things you have dealt with- the fact that he is in therapy- the fact that you havent had a chance to figure out what YOU want and your entire life is based on what he wants...are you sure you want to continue this relationship?

    There is no way you should have any responsibility financially for this man or his children. Unless you are married or financially very independent- who is taking care of you and YOUR needs?

    My suggestion is to let him move into a home with his daughter...you can continue to date him and wait and see how this plays out, but I would not be moving in with him under any circumstances. Get your own place and have your own life...one thing that life has taught me is that you NEVER sacrifice your own happiness at the expense of someone else. You also NEVER get financially involved with a man who has his own financial issues...take care of YOU because it doesn't sound like he is capable of it.

    I married a man who had 3 kids from a previous marriage. They were 2,3, and 6 when we got married.... fast forward the youngest is now 18 years old. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done as their mother was in and out of their lives, they often moved in with us and then moved back to their mother's house...I sacrificed vacations, alone time with my husband and even privacy to be with this man BUT I was in my 30s and had my own career and my own ability to take care of myself should I have gotten to the point where I wanted to call it quits. I stuck it out and only now, 16 years later are things beginning to look up...the oldest now has her own children and guess what? She called last night and told us the baby daddy walked out...this may never end. I could wind up with my stepdaughter and HER children living in my home...should this happen, I may still leave. You have to be able to take care of you before you can commit to taking care of anyone else..remember that.

    Get your own place...date him if you wish- but keep your options open as you really are young and you would be foolish to think at 19 that this is forever.
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    Old 07-23-2018, 02:20 PM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: Boyfriendís daughter is moving in

    uugh....this doesn't sound good......
    I'm sorry to hear this. I think you should move out and let them live their lives however they want......without your input, without your help and without your money

     
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