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Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

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Old 06-29-2004, 11:45 AM   #1
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Question Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

Ok, I have to make a decision. I have dated a man now for 5 months, who has full custody of his 12yr old son. His son is so disrespectful to me and all adults. He has been kicked out of schools for disciplinary actions, and so on and so on. He is now really giving me a real hard time, and my boyfriend thinks that it is time to start paddling him for his behavior. I do believe that he doesn't need to get away with treating me or anyone else that way, but I am not so sure it is time for me to start using that kind of punishment. I have only been sending him to his room, and scolding him in other ways, but really isn't effective. We have had major discussions of his actions and he is very apologenic, but is never effective still.
His mother, who doesn't see him regularly because of his behavior has turned her back on him, says for me to start paddling him as well.

What are you opinions? I am so worried! I don't want it to back fire on me! I love his father and want us to be a family one day, but don't want his son to run over me.
I have 2 boys myself, and don't want them to think that his behavior is okay as well. Please help?
"Some things are worth waiting for!"

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Old 06-30-2004, 09:38 AM   #2
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Fur-ball HB User
Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

IMO, I would stay a million miles away from spanking a child that is as old as 12 years. He is MUCH to old to be spanked. Also, you are in no position yourself to take on that disciplinary act as the girlfriend. It is not okay to try to beat some respect into a child. The bad behaviour should have been addressed when he was a child and trying to correct in now with spanking could have an incredible backfire. The best thing you could do is seek professional help and put the child in some sort of therapy program with the parents. I would recommend to the everyone (including yourself) to seek some parenting courses (hey.. I have taken a few myself). There is nothing wrong with learning a few new tools to pull out of the bag when nessisary with a difficult child.

Anyways.. I wish you the best of luck


Last edited by Fur-ball; 06-30-2004 at 09:41 AM.

Old 06-30-2004, 01:53 PM   #3
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Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

Absolutely not! A 12 year old is too old for paddling. His dad is the one to discipline the boy, however, you can go the extra mile to make friends with the boy so he will not feel you are a threat to him. He is pushing your buttons to see where the limit is. If you do not respond in a negative way to his pushing buttons he will soon lose interest. It is natural for the boy to not want anyone else to be included in their lives. Treating the boy with respect (I know, kinda hard when he is so disrespectful) will be setting a good example. Every time he sees your frustration that is fuel to continue being disrespectful.

It may be time for his "dad" to get counseling for his son. You need to stay out of this decision and not mention anything about it in front of the boy. If he thinks you have anything to do with it, he will be even more disrespectful to you.

Being a girlfriend does not give you the right to discipline the boy. If you are living with them, you are the outsider, intruder as the boy sees it. In other words the boy does not want another woman in the house with the two of them.

Don't take me wrong, it is not all right for the boy to be disrespectful, it just is not your place to change things.

Old 07-01-2004, 08:36 PM   #4
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Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

I would think long and hard about this relationship. It is alot easier to get a 2 year old to mind than it is for a 12 year old. His personallity is already set so it will be an uphill battle for anyone to try to teach him the things he should have learned years ago. I would have no part in punishments. First of all, the child probably doesn't see you as having any authority so it wouldn't be very effective. Second of all, you don't have any real authority as you have only been dating his father for 5 months.

Good luck with whatever you decide
Mindy (Type 1 Dx'd 11/94..Insulin Pump)

Old 07-04-2004, 09:25 AM   #5
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Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

I don't think that you should paddle him because it isn't your place. You are the girlfriend and not the parent. IMO...I think it would cause him to resent you more because you are not his parent. His father (if he hasn't done this already) needs to sit him down and talk with him. The son might be jealous of you and resent the fact that his dad is with you. Have you tried doing anything with the son. (Just the 2 of you) Take him to do something that he would enjoy and something that would allow you to get to know him a bit more. It may take him a few times before he lightens up, but he needs to know that you are wanting to get to know him as person and that you are excepting him just like you are excepting his father. Go out of your way for him, even when he treats you like crap. Don't say anything or do anything when he treats you badly. After he has calmed down, let him know that you want to be there for him and that you want to work things out with him. Don't let him get to you. (I may be totally off on this, and you might have already tried this. It is just my opinion) Since you can't be the parent right now, be his friend. Respect him first and then he will respect you. You can't demand respect from a child if you are not the parent.

Old 07-09-2004, 03:15 PM   #6
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Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

Definately not! there is no way you should 'paddle' this boy. There are some great books out about step-parenting, you may find these very valuable to read. A step parent's role is to become a 'friend' to the step-children. They will resent anyone who comes in trying to discipline them and acting like a parent. i would be ignoring the bad stuff and praising the good. hopefully he will come to see you as another person to love him and be there for him.

Old 07-11-2004, 11:22 PM   #7
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Re: Help? Boyfriend's son...Should I paddle him?

I am in the same situation as you are. My partner(of almost 3yrs) has a 9yr old son. At least you seem to have your partners support, mine prefers to stick his head in the sand and hope that his boys' problem goes away. He is rude, has no concept of respect and is totally obnoxious at home and school. First term back this year he was suspended 3 times, with no consequences at home.
His father makes excuse after excuse for him. I have never in my whole life been treated so rudely and disrespectfully by anyone (including my ex husband) except this kid.
The school has tried to tell his father, I organised for him to go to a parenting program that he went to once and says that they don't know anymore than he does. I even arranged to have him assessed by child mental health and after the initial meeting with them hasn't filled out or returned any of the forms.
A lot of his trouble is lack of disipline, but I also believe that it goes beyond that. He seems to have no concept of taking responsibility for his actions. He thinks when ever he gets in trouble dad will just get him out. I can't understand why his father is afraid to disipline him.
But I'm fed up. I've been making threats for a long time and now I'm carrying them out. This time next week I will be packed and gone........1500kms away. I deserve better than this and I am not going to hang around to be abused and belittled by a 9 yr old. And yes, I have had kids of my own (14 and 18) and while they were no angels I never had problems like this with them. This boy has had his own way and been spoilt rotten for way too long.
Sorry if I sound bitter, I'm actually just a very nice, but very fed up "normal" person. So my advice??? Get out now before this child ruins your life like this one has mine. I don't believe that thingswill get better, I've been here nearly 3yrs and even though things quieten down for periods, it only comes back worse.
But hey, everyones different so I wish you and your man all the very best.

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