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HELP :confused:

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Old 07-07-2004, 02:50 PM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 2
bethmcv HB User
Red face HELP :confused:

Help!!! I need some advice fast. I caught my 15 year old daughter having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend in my living room. What should I do? I am not sure exactly what I am feeling yet. Shock, anger, disappointment, fear, disgust you name it I am probably feeling it. I did manage to ask my daughter whether she had used a condom (she is on the pill for medical reasons) and she told me she had not, and that this was a recent development. I am so upset, first for obvious reasons, but also because she was not practicing safe sex, and we hae talked, and talked and talked about that. My second question is whether or not I should talk to her boyfriends parents? I would want to know, particularly about not using a condom. I would welcome anyone's opinion about this. I can't seem to think. HELP!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 07-07-2004, 03:04 PM   #2
injured betty
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,137
injured betty HB User
Re: HELP :confused:

I can't say that I have had this problem as I sat my daughter down with her boyfriend and told her and him that they needed to use a condom if it came to the point where they felt that they were going to have sex. It embarrassed them so much that they broke up.

I think that you are in a very touching area. You don't want to freak out as that would effect your daughter for years and years to come. There are great books out there on the subject that allows for open communication. You both read them and then talk about it.

As for the boyfriend, what was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? I would be upset with him. But then, we don't have all of the facts? Were they virgins? Long time relationship?

I would sit down and talk to them and the parents. It is past being embarrassed. Condoms are a matter of life and death and not to be taken lightly.

That was pretty disrespectful of them to do it in your house. They have now opened the door to whatever measures you want to pursue.

My mom totally flipped out when my neice had sex. She chased her around with a broom. That is the other end of the spectrum.

Hoepfully you and your daughter have an open enough relationship to where you can sit down and openly discuss this.

As he didn't use a condom I would take her to the clinic and get tested for any venereal diseases. You can discuss it with the nurse before hand and tell her what happened. That might open your daughter's eyes as to what could happen.

Old 07-07-2004, 09:10 PM   #3
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 2
bethmcv HB User
Smile Re: HELP :confused:

Thank you for responding. I needed to hear someone else's thoughts instead of just the ones that are roaring through my head. I have spoken to my daughter a great many times about sex, and the importance of practicing safe sex, but I guess I didn't getting through. I remember being her age very well, and I had so hoped that she would make smarter decisions than I did. I had hoped to better prepare her for making those decisions than my mother prepared me.

As for her boyfriend, I would so love to wring his neck, but niave as I may want to be, he did not do this alone. As for his sexual experience, I really don't know for sure. Yesterday I would have said he was a virgin, but today, who knows. He and my daughter have been together for nearly a year now, and they have been good for each other. Since they go to different schools and live in neighboring towns we have been pretty confident in our ability to supervise their relationship. Perhaps a bit too confident.

Of course there are many aspects of this situation that upset me, but by far the irresponsibility of not practicing safe sex is about the worst part of it. My daughter and I have had a great many conversations about the necessity of practicing safe sex, without exception. She received sex education at school, and from her own gynocologist when she started taking birth control pills. At that time I was concerned that she might think that because she was already taking birth control, for an unrelated matter, that she would feel "safe" in not taking additional precautions. At the time she assured me that she would of course use condoms to prevent STD's, and was adamant that she was not sexaully active nor was planning to be in the near future.

My husband and I have now spoken to both kids about their behavior, irresponsibility and the violation of both our trust and house rules. After giving this a lot of thought, I have decided to speak to his mom, parent to parent. I have evaluated my reasons for this, and have come to the conclusion that I would want someone to tell me if my child was doing something dangerous. Right or wrong, I really think his family needs to be aware that their son has been engaging in risky behavior.

Where we all go from here remains to be seen. It is going to take some time for her to earn my trust again. This is a new thing for all of us, as she has never before been in any trouble. She is a straight A student who just won the President's Award for academic excellence. She's takes all honors classes, plays on the school lacrosse team and participates in several after school clubs. She is a good kid, who I have every confidence has just learned an invaluable lesson, as have I.

Again thank you so much for giving me some stuff to think about, and allowing me to vent a little. I really appreciate. Thanks. Beth

Old 07-07-2004, 10:24 PM   #4
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 304
sealover HB Usersealover HB User
Re: HELP :confused:

Beth, it's great that you're such a loving, caring, concerned mom!

With a lot of teenagers, they don't realize the consequences of their actions, and so they may do things without careful thought. Or they think that something bad can't happen to them, like getting an STD or teen pregnancy. And then there's peer pressure. Whatever the reason that your daughter and her boyfriend didn't use a condom, hopefully it was a one-time error in judgement and hopefully your words of wisdom will weigh heavily on them so that they use protection from now on.

The point to be stressed for them is that it's important not only to use condoms to avoid contracting STDs, but it's also vital to use them to avoid getting pregnant since a condom adds even more protection on top of using a birth control pill.

Old 07-08-2004, 03:53 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 559
MandyAnne26 HB User
Re: HELP :confused:

The fact that they have been going out so long and were probably both virgins was probably all they needed to talk themselves out of using condoms. When i was 15 i had unprotected sex, i knew i shouldn't, i knew i should use condoms, but at 15 i wasn't mature enough to say i'm not having sex without a condom. I didn't get any std's but i did get pregnant.
Short of breaking them up there isn't much you can do. Talk to his parents, hopefully they'll work with you in this situation. Talk to them...together, explain to them again that if they are going to have sex they are to practice safe sex...regardless of them being only with eachother's a good habit to be in since chances are they won't be together forever. I would assume since they've been going out so long your daughter didn't rush into the choice to have commend her for that, waiting untill she had been with him for awhile, waiting untill she was comfortable's more than most girls do her age these days (i'm not looking forward to my kids hitting that stage), but let her know you are very dissapointed in the fact that she didn't use condoms. Maybe even buy some for her?
It's a tough situation. Just be careful not to lecture, i know i would just tune my mother out at that age when she lectured me. Talk to her like an adult about it. Also, find some websites on std's (one of the good ones with pictures) and have her read about them...let her know that the pill isn't 100% effective either so using a condom along with the pill will give her greater chances of avoiding pregnancy.

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