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mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

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Old 07-13-2004, 10:43 PM   #1
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mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

Please anyone help me. My son is now 14 and thinks he might be gay. I am heartbroken. I am sick of crying. You see it all started about 2 yrs ago when he went on the web without my permission to do a search on puberty. (You can imagine what he got) Since then and thanks to those images he was afraid of being 'gay' He couldn't get those pictures out of his head. I took him to the doctor and he assured him that most boys his age do have a fear of this at some piont and it doesn't mean anything. He has had crushes on girls and pior to this even told me about his first 'wet dream' involving a woman. I decided to give him space and not pressure him to talk about it thinking things would take care of them selves in the next few years with his first girl friend. Of course I took the computer away. Now the other night he broke down in tears and informed me he IS gay. I was not convinced. But then I found his journel and read that he has had three sexual experiences with one of his male friends. he went on to write that he hated it and felt terrible...but he still did it with this other boy, who by the way my son always tried to aviod. In the same book he talked about some girl he liked. His father and I confronted him and he insists he is gay. I feel that since he has nothing to compare it to he can't make that kind of decision exspecially at only 14 yrs of age. My husband and I went to see our parish priest and he seems to think that he is just an experimental youth. Is it possible? We have asked him if he notices pretty girls and he answers yes. We ask him if he notices girls with nice bodies and he answers yes. Isn't that an attraction? He was a normal little boy and a teen who besides this never gave me any trouble. I told him I would love him no matter what but in side I am falling apart. We are a strict Roman Catholic family and I fear for his soul. Please any parents out there with any similar experiences please help me. I can't find anything on the web except pro gay sites. I would like to find one for confused teens, experimenting teens...but they are all about after one makes up ones mind. Please help me.

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Old 07-14-2004, 04:54 AM   #2
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

first off i am going to say being gay or straight isn't a choice. Just as you were born to be straight your son would have been born to be gay...thats just the way it is not a choice a person makes. Being gay is not giving you trouble (he has no choice if that is what he is), he's not a deviant and regardless of what some religions preach (i'm not sure of what your religion teaches you about homosexuality so this may not appy) he is not going to go to hell. The pictures he saw did not turn him gay..most likely he saw them and he may have identified with the pictures, they may have helped him to realize his feelings. I realize a gay child is not something a parent wishes for, but there are alot worse things a child could be, if he has been the good child you say he has been than what is the big deal? love is love. How you choose to deal with his sexuality will play a factor in how he deals with it. You have the choice to accept him as is with no conditions, and you have the choice to accept him with conditions (i love you but not your homosexuality). If you make him feel like he is abnormal, like his being gay is going to make him unwelcome in heaven in the afterlife he is going to end up battleing depression his entire life and he is not going to feel loved, wanted, he is going to feel as if he has some sort of disease and that there is something wrong with him. Please for his sake don't think of this as a religious thing, think of this in terms of his emotional well being. Also, about whether or not him noticing an attractive woman means he's attracted to her...well, i can look at a woman and say she's attractive, she has a great body etc without being sexually attracted to her.
This is all said assuming he is gay and not just experimenting, i think you will find males experiemting with other males and girls sometimes do the same is more common than a lot of peopel realize. I think sometimes it just is a safe place for them to have sexual experiences (maybe males right now are more comfortable than females for him). That being said you need to prepare yourself for having a gay son. it is not the end of the world, it is not an ideal situation, but your son is still your son and you need to remember that, he is still the son you loved and were proud of before you found out all of this information. You need to love him and help him through this period of his life, he may not be gay, he may be, but the job of parents is to love and support their children unconditionaly, so be a soft place he can fall (he will need it), you may not understand it but you need to support him. Just keep in mind it is not a choice, you are born with your sexuality....just as you would not turn to women because you are straight, he would never turn to women because he is gay. Also, he is probably conflicted, his religion teaches it's wrong (if it doesn't i'm sorry but that is the impression i got from your post), your having a very hard time dealing with this, taking him to the doctor, questioning him on it, reading his journel (which i think is wrong, he needs somewhere to put his thoughts down and know they are going to be private, he sounds as if he feels safe right now telling you things, so let him come to you, don't snoop)
he is probably very conflicted, on one hand he has these sexual feeling that he's not sure how to deal with, on the other hand he's getting this message that it's wrong (probably why it felt terrible to experiement) and he should be attracted to women.
what i would suggest is looking around at some of the pro gay sights, see if there is anything on how the parents reaction shaped how they reacted to it. Also read up on when they realized they were gay, if they believed it to be a choice or something they were born with. Also, do a search for support groups for parents of gays, see how other parents deal with it.
I am sorry it is hard thing to go through, but you need to understand how yours and his fathers reaction to this will have a dramatic effect on how well he deals and comes to terms with it. Fine either an online support group or you can probablyfind one in your area.

Old 07-15-2004, 05:51 AM   #3
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

This is a difficult situation for parents and teens who are discovering their sexuality. It could be that he is experimenting and feels that he is more attracted to boys than girls- it could all change in a year or so as well. ALL of you need to understand that these are normal feelings and that a lot of kids go through this. He needs to understand that any sexual experience at his age is not appropriate- they are too young to understand the implications and dangers of becoming sexually active at such a young age. May I suggest that you all join a support group for teens and parents that are going through the same things as you are? This could help all of you to understand and to cope with the situation a lot better. You are not alone- there are too many people in your situation to count.

The bottom line is that you love your child unconditionally no matter what and that he understands this- that no matter what choice he makes for his sexuality that you are there to support him, that is the biggest mistake that people make with their children.

Best of luck to you!

Old 07-16-2004, 01:05 PM   #4
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

Could it be possible that he isn't completely gay but bisexual? Since he has an attraction to both? Not this this would really be much better but then there would be more of a chance for him to snap out of this and choose women. But in the event that he is gay and decides to stay that way just show him that you still love him. This has got to be so hard on you and your husband. It doesn't sound like your son wants to be this way. The fact he cries and feels bad about it shows that this is really tearing him up as well. I am not in your situation but have grown up with peers who went through this. The thing is that usually girls outgrow this more than guys. Sometimes guys will just wind up being gay, hate to worry you even more, but this is what I have seen amongst teens I grew up with (I am only 21) so this wasn't too long ago. I hope it all works out. I know it is hard but please don't turn against your son.

Old 07-16-2004, 01:29 PM   #5
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

First of all, I agree with a previous poster who said that homosexuality was not a choice, but something you were born with. Second, I also agree that reading your son's journal was not necessarily a good idea, as it may have negatively affected your son's trust in you.

Being a Roman Catholic myself, I'm getting the impression from your post that the issue in your case might not so much be one of homosexuality, but rather one of sexuality in general. If your son was brought up in a fairly conservative way (and I don't necessarily mean at home, but more particularly in sunday school and other church settings), he might think anything sexual (e.g. masturbating, feeling sexual desire for another person etc.) is a sin and strictly to be avoided until marriage. On the other hand, he's a teenager in the middle of puberty, so his sexuality wants out. All this together might be a major factor in his confusion.

Have you talked to your son about why he's so convinced he's gay? If not, you should do so, but in a calm, rational manner, if possible. Don't put him on the defensive. Having had a sexual experience with another male doesn't necessarily mean he is gay. Did he enjoy it (not just physically, but emotionally as well), and later hate himself for that, or did he feel uncomfortable the whole time? He might also be bisexual, for all you know.

At any rate, try to love him the way he is and not to pressurize him one way or the other, as his sexual orientation is neither his choice nor his decision. He can only choose how to handle it. If he sees you heartbroken and crying, that will only make matters worse for him. If he should turn out to be gay, you all will have to learn to accept it and live with it eventually, which is where support groups and/or counseling might be helpful.

All the best, and HTH!

Last edited by crowgirl; 07-16-2004 at 01:34 PM.

Old 07-23-2004, 09:19 PM   #6
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

Hi! I'm going to be the odd one out here and disagree. I do not believe that people are born gay. I believe it is a choice. I myself am a christian and I don't know the differences in our religions, however, there is a book you might be interested in. It's called "Bringing up boys" by James Dobson and it highlights a little about your situation. My sister has four boys and has found this book to be very insightful in many ways. Her children are all 5 and under, so homosexuality hasn't yet become any kind of an issue. Anyway, this reply is not to step on anyone's toes. It is just my opinion. I hope that it helps.

Old 07-24-2004, 11:33 AM   #7
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

I'm also in agreement with the other posters that homosexuality is not a choice. Some animals in the wild display homosexual behaviors. It's a biological thing. Eventhough he can recognize an attractive female does not mean he's straight. I can recognize an attractive female body and I am completely straight. Don't try to fix him. That's the worst thing you can do. He doesnt need fixing, he needs incouragement and support through a rough time. And don't fear for his soul. God loves EVERYBODY...all that matters is that he's a good person.

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Old 07-25-2004, 10:40 AM   #8
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

I won't comment on whether it's a choice or not a choice. I don't think anyone really knows for sure and it really doesn't matter. Your son is going through some difficult times that he needs help with.

But something is curious to me. Maybe it's just because I grew up without the web. But what made your son do a search for information on puberty in the first place? Was there something he was worried about? I remember being taught about this in school and we watched a movie and had a discussion separate from the boys. I never felt a compulsion to do my own research. Maybe he didn't feel that his class was adequate or perhaps there was something he was worried about. And, what did his search pull up. You mention that he saw gay male sites. I just out of curiousity typed puberty into google and the first page I got were all legitimate puberty education sites. How did he get male gay sites in his list and what made him click on those sites. Did he click not realizing what he would be seeing or could he really have been purposely looking for such sites. I'm wondering if he had questions about his sexuality before seeing such pictures and maybe he was trying to explore those feelings. I'm also wondering and I'm going to anger some people I think by asking this, but could your son have been molested by anyone?

I think as at least one poster here said, that you need to put away your personal feelings about this and think about your son. Whatever he ends up figuring out, you need to make sure he goes through this safely. For instance, if he's experimenting, he could be putting himself in danger, just as any child who experiments with sex, gay or straight - i.e. venereal diseases, AIDs, and inappropriate partners/dangerous situations. Also, considering the problem of teen suicide, I would be concerned that your son while dealing with this may have negative feelings about himself and it may do a number on his self-esteem. Some adults have been so conflicted when trying to figure this out that they have committed suicide. I don't want to scare you by saying this, but its a possibility you can't afford to ignore. Keep it to yourself though and don't share these worries with him.

Your son probably needs both of the following to help him work his way through this safety: 1) the ability to discuss this openly with his parents without judgment or without you trying to influence this outcome of his decision and 2) counseling to help him work out his feelings and to keep him mentally safe through this process. I would interview the therapist to make sure he/she has experience and to find out how many patients end up deciding they're gay and how many end up deciding their straight. If all decide they're gay I woudln't use the therapist. Just as you need to be careful not to influence your son's decision, so does the therapist.

As for your feelings about this, perhaps you and your husband may want to get some counseling. What is going on with your son is not your fault. This is probably very difficult for the two of you.

Old 11-20-2005, 01:53 PM   #9
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

I found out that my 16 year old son thinks he's gay from his {removed} He was afraid of how I would react if he told me. I'm hurt that he felt like he couldn't confide in me and he needed to hide it from me. I'm not happy about it, but what can I do? I don't want to alienate him and I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. He's had girlfriends in the past and one very recently. He says that he's felt like he might be gay ever since they broke up. My ex-husband is not accepting it at all and can barely look him in the eye now. I don't want this to ruin our relationship. I tried to tell him that I love him and nothing is ever going to change that, and that I'm not happy about it, but I accept it if that's who he says he is. I am just terrified to lose him to some horrible disease. That's my biggest fear.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 11-22-2005 at 08:23 AM. Reason: Do not mention other chat/message boards on this board. Thank you!

Old 11-20-2005, 02:21 PM   #10
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

I am also a believer that homosexuality is something in-born in a person, it's all due to genetics, and though I am a very religious person, I personally feel that, if God hated gay people, why would he have made them in the first place? Anyway, that aside, what struck me as curious about your son's case is that he started having thoughts that he was gay after seeing "disturbing images" of genitalia on the Internet at age twelve. Call me crazy, but it sounds as if your son may have a case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I am a long-term sufferer of OCD, and at age 12, I, too, began to think that I was gay (I'm a woman, so lesbian, in my case) and started having bizarre, grotesque sexual images in my mind. As I have already stated, if I WAS gay, I would have proudly accepted it, but this was disturbing to me because, all of my life, I KNEW that I was straight. Still, my mind kept telling me, "But what if you really are gay? You've never been out on a date before...You don't think typical teen heart-throbs like Brad Pitt are hott...You must be gay..." Thank God these obsessions have stopped, and allowed me to truly confirm that I am indeed, surprise, surprise, straight. It seems to me that this male experimentation that your son has done in the past may have been a compulsion of sorts. If he has OCD, his mind probably told him, "You say you're straight, but how do you know? You've never been with a man, so you don't know for sure if you would find the experience pleasureable...", and now that he's done it, and is utterly repulsed by the idea, and didn't enjoy it whatsoever, even that won't be a confirmation to the OCD that he isn't gay- "You SAY you didn't like it, but you did it, so that must be what you really wanted to do. You ARE gay- don't deny it..." I find it interesting that your son immediately wrote about a girl he liked right after the description of the homosexual experience. If he does have OCD, this sounds to me, like a reassurance compulsion, him trying to find evidence that, even though his brain is telling him he's gay, there's "proof" that he's straight. Sadly, though, this "proof" won't stop the thoughts. I'm not saying that your son has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, nor am I saying that being homosexual/bisexual isn't his true sexual orientation, but I definitely would consider looking up OCD on the Internet, asking your son if he's been having these kind of thoughts, and also asking him if he often feels anxious and does things like mentally pray or repeat phrases like, "I'm not gay, I'm not gay" over and over in his head to feel better. I find it intriguing that beabonnet also described your son's Internet searching as a "compulsion" and that he might have been "worried about something". That's another of my compulsions- looking up information on the Internet to prove whether or not I have some disease... If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Good luck, God bless, and write back soon!
"Not everything that steps out of line, and thus 'abnormal,' must necessarily be 'inferior.'"
-Hans Asperger

Last edited by GatsbyLuvr1920; 11-20-2005 at 02:25 PM.

Old 11-21-2005, 06:19 PM   #11
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

Back as a teen I had been with other girls. I made a choice to stop that behavior and I did. Every human can see if one is sexy no matter if they are male or female. I still see other women as being very attractive and not so attractive. Just as you can see men as being attractive or not so attractive. I made a choice to stop and to follow what I believe to be right and that was to be with a man. Now I am married with two children. The mind is very powerful and it is hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Thatís why God said to love him with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. God knows the mind can fool you into temptation and eventually sin. Thatís way he sent Jesus to be your savior and the word that will set you free. Some will follow the world and its desires and some will follow Christ and His word. If your son loves the Lord and believes in him tell him to surrender his self to him and to fight those temptations. Ask him what he feels is right not by the world but by the word of God. I hope that his dad will help him through this because he really needs his support and guidance.

Old 11-22-2005, 05:06 AM   #12
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

{removed}. Being gay is absolutely not a choice, I don't care what religion you are. There also is medical proof out there, so look it up. Don't feel sorry for your son, nuture him, and accept him. Love him the same way you would have if he was interested in girls. Trust me, there is no "switching" back. Be glad he has the trust in you to confide like this. You are lucky to have a healthy child, no matter what the sexual preference. Good luck, there are many support groups, like the other poster said, maybe even given by a hospital or college.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 11-22-2005 at 08:24 AM. Reason: Choose your words carefully and be supportive. Please read & follow our rules. Thank you!

Old 11-22-2005, 05:23 AM   #13
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

You cannot change the way people are. Whether it be in a relationship, sexual orientation, personal beliefs, etc.

Love your son, you always have. I was brought up in a christian home taught that God is a loving God. And God loves everyone.

Keep looking around and try to find a christian support group for gay children. Learn to look at it from a positive, loving view for you and your son's benefit.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

Old 11-27-2005, 11:54 AM   #14
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

I don't beleive people are born gay. I know far too many gay people that have said straight out that it was a choice they made. In my opinion, the people that say they were born that way, are the people that have been made to feel bad and guilty by people who are close minded to anything other than a man-woman relationship. I've seen many times gay people get mocked and the way they deal with this is to say "well it wasn't my choice, this is the way I was made".. Now sit and talk with that person, support them, and they will say that "i made this choice, it's what I's my life...etc" This is in my observance, seeing and talking with close friends of mine that are gay.

Old 11-28-2005, 04:47 AM   #15
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Re: mom of confused 'gay' teen. Is anyone out there?

soon2bemommy- I have never, ever heard someone say that. I hope that you raise your child with a more broad outlook on life. That was not fair to say, and very close minded.

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