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Need advice for mental well being

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Old 08-27-2004, 12:14 AM   #1
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Need advice for mental well being

Here it is..I owned a home very comfortable 2/3 paid for. Then I sold that home and bought a very large home to occomodate my daughter and 15 year old grandson, and I bought where daughter insisted my grandson go to school. Eight months later my daughter tells me she is moving to Texas and getting married. She was not married to the childs father, I have always helped her. I did this becuse it was sensless that she was paying such high rent. We shared this new house note. The plan was she was to get her real estate license so she could make the same money I do and eventually I could retire. This house note is $3,000 a month and the house is 3400 sq. ft. too large for me alone. It was a good move in one aspect because I can sell and walk away with a half million, however, I am stuck here for 2 years to avoid capital gains which would be about 150,000 I would owe the irs. I will be stuct with high expenses plus alot of improvements to get the house ready for sell. I have put nearly $25,000 to repair and improve things that were necessary, and I pay the gardener and all utilities, and most the food. Now my daughter wants me to pay for half her wedding half of ($10,000). I already bought her wedding dress etc. My question is..My daughter is 35 years old, Am I suppose to pay for her wedding at the stage of her life? I want to see her marry, but something inside me does not want to be stuck with the wedding fees. I have helped her all her life, buy cars, and paid for nearly everything for my grandson. She is leaving me with all this expense of the house and that is almost too much for me at my age. On top of all this, she flies to Texas every weekend and now is distant and showing no interest in this house. I want to sell and move to another state where I can buy a house for cash and bank some equity, but I am stuck for 2 years to struggle with this house. On top of all this, I have Hep C and my energy is not what it was in my 30's and 40's. For the last 3 weeks I had some flue or something, and couldn't seem to shake it. While I was sick, I was painting and still went to work. Daughter could see I was sick, and not once did she ask: "Mom how are you feeling today?" She comes in, walks past me, and heads straight for her room. She barely talks to me anymore unless she needs something. She never cleans anything in this house and expects me to clean everything. I'm at a point I just want her to get married and get out. Any advice will be appreciated.

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Old 08-27-2004, 05:12 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

Sorry to hear you are going through this. If you are still feeling ill you might want to get checked out, stress can of course make you feel like you have the flue or feel run down when you aren't really. And of course it does seem you are under a lot of stress.

From an outsiders view it seems that your daugther isn't very greatful for all that you have done over the years, in fact, one might consider her as being spoiled. It is an unfortunate situation when children do this to their parents as a result of their parent(s) doing everything for them to a degree. Being that she is in fact an adult and has been for many years honestly I wouldn't pay for the wedding, you indicated you bought her a dress and that should suffice. If you can't financially afford to do it then why put yourself under the extra stress? Weddings are often over rated and the quickest way to blow cash in just a few short hours.

I would suggest that you talk to your daughter and be honest about the situation and maybe that will resolve the problem with her not talking to you. It could be possible that she things you are mad or upset with her, which you are to a degree, and doesn't want to make the situation any worse.

It was a grand gesture that you bought such a lavish home for your daughter to live with you with her daughter but honestly it wasn't needed. Your daughter is an adult and can care for herself, maybe you need to let go a little bit, it seems you have cared for her for longer than the average parent which isn't doing her any favors because she will not learn true resposibility.

best of luck

Old 08-27-2004, 06:15 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

Thanks, you actually expressed my inner thoughts, taking care too long. But I have been her rock since her father died when she was seven and I always wanted her to have what I didn't have. The way I figured, if I gave her alot, she would never settle for less and marry up, which she is doing. I've always wanted to know that she will be fine if something should happen to me. Everything I own is in trust to her. This wedding is a big thing to her, and I just don't want to bring disappointment in planning such a big day. At least when she marries, it will be the last of my financial parenting. Thanks again for your advice.

Old 08-27-2004, 06:27 AM   #4
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

I agree that she seems very ungrateful. About your house though, could you contact a church or something in your area that may know of a young mother who could use a place to live for a while and help with the expenses? I don't know your personality or if you'd like that but it would be a way to get through the next 2 years.

Old 08-27-2004, 06:57 AM   #5
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

Is she on the house note? If so she is still financially responsible to help you pay for it.

Old 08-27-2004, 07:15 AM   #6
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

i wouldn't pay for another thing. Explain to her that while you are happy that she is getting married etc that with all of the finances surrounding the house you simply cannot afford to pay for it. Remind her that you love her and want to be there for her in every way you can, but right now at this stage you cann't finiancialy help her out. You have done a lot for her (a lot more than most parents would), now it's time for her to grow up and take some responsibility for her own life and her own expenses.
I wouldn't feel guilty about it, and don't allow her to make you feel guilty. At your age you need to start worrying about yourself and not others, you have spent 35 years taking care of her, it's time to stop, she's and adult and can care for herself.
Your creating a situation where her needs come before your own (it would be fine if she were 5 not 35) but you teach people how to treat you, you are teaching her that you will put her needs above your own, so that is how she is treating you, putting herself above you...this needs to stop, you don't want to spend the rest of your life caring for your daughter, she's a grown woman and need to succeed or fail all by herself. if you decide to go this route it may be hard in the begining, she may get angry, feel hurt etc but just stand your ground and soon she will realize that you need to put yourself first and hopefully be happy for you, and at the same time stop depending on you so much.
Take some time for yourself and do what makes you happy, you deserve it.

Last edited by MandyAnne26; 08-27-2004 at 07:18 AM.

Old 08-31-2004, 12:05 PM   #7
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Teresa882003 HB User
Re: Need advice for mental well being

Considering her age and the fact that you have helped her purchase cars, pay all the living expenses and pay for almost everything for her son I think she can pay for her own wedding. Where does her money go!! It seems like she needs to grow up and move out, but I don't think if she has been this dependant on you this long that its likely to change anytime soon!! How is she going to make it with moving to another state! Are you to foot the expense of the new house that was purchased for the 3 of you in the area she had to pick, plus her wedding? I think she needs to grow up and learn some responsiblity, what example is she setting for her son?
Kaleb 6/23/04 aftr TTC 4 yrs
miscarrd at 6 wks 5 day 12/31/04
Its a Girl 1/12/06

Old 09-02-2004, 09:14 AM   #8
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Re: Need advice for mental well being

No, she is not one the house note. I pay everything, food utilities etc.and all home improvements and repairs.I even furnished this big house, including my grandsons bedroom set. The only thing she was suppose to pay is half the note of $1,500 a month. Her income is about 82K a year and I don't think that was alot to ask since she was paying $2000 a month before on rent. There is a rift betwen us now. I know it's because she feels guilty leaving me with all this and knowing she wants to marry. I do not want to rain on her parade. I want her to marry. But she wants me to pay for alot of the wedding, fly to TX for the wedding, and pay for someone to care for my 4 chihuahua's when I am gone, take off work, and keep up the expenses of this house. Too much to ask I think. They want the wedding in TX because his friends are there. I say if they want me to pay for alot of the wedding, have the wedding here so I don't have to travel too. The other set of parents have given them 2,500 for the wedding which is all they will give, but there are two of them and one of me. I've already spent $2,500 on the dress and some cash. I'm done giving away any money knowing the expense ahead of me. Actually I can sell this house in 26 months. Thank you for your relplies. Now I don't feel so bad for feeling as I do.

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