It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board

  • Teens Drinking

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 07-18-2005, 11:22 AM   #181
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    I know that you will probably be smiling about this whole expereince...I'm probably the only friend you have that would save her college partying until she's in her 40's but it was definitely a growing experience. Will I smoke again....I really don't know.
    I was sort of surprised at first as I read along… for this didn’t sound like the Goody I’ve gotten to know. As you mentioned how this would help you mentor your daughters, somewhat ditch that “Goody two shoes” image with your friends and satisfied your curiosity, it all made sense. Yes, I shared that experience with my wife-to-be while in college and that was our last time, too… as I suspect this will be with you. I don’t like being out of control and I somehow sense how much I can drink without losing control. Considering my curious nature, I worry what I might do if I was fully uninhibited so I choose not to go there. I doubt if you’ll suddenly change your ways either because of that experience. Thanks for sharing your growing experience.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 07-18-2005, 11:39 AM   #182
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    I was sort of surprised at first as I read along… for this didn’t sound like the Goody I’ve gotten to know. As you mentioned how this would help you mentor your daughters, somewhat ditch that “Goody two shoes” image with your friends and satisfied your curiosity, it all made sense. Yes, I shared that experience with my wife-to-be while in college and that was our last time, too… as I suspect this will be with you. I don’t like being out of control and I somehow sense how much I can drink without losing control. Considering my curious nature, I worry what I might do if I was fully uninhibited so I choose not to go there. I doubt if you’ll suddenly change your ways either because of that experience. Thanks for sharing your growing experience.
    For so long I held back from trying but I think that I needed to do it more out of curiosity so that I could help mentor my girls. Perhaps it was a combo of peer pressure and experimental curiosity in me. It may even be so that when K. says I don't know anything about it I can say that I do from first hand experience whereas before I couldn't. And yes, being that you know me so well...I wanted to pick a monumental time to do so. The last of the five fab turning 40 seemed like the perfect time. I must say that I never really felt out of control.....in fact I demonstrated that in being able to get my friend into the restaurant. And nobody in our group got out of hand...the restaurant went very well and we remember every moment so we behaved so as not to embaress our friend in anyway. There were certainly lots of giggles

    Heartland, I totally could relate to her.....and shared this with Tom, of how as a mother we don't want our children to see us living in a hypocritical way. However, I reassured my friend that she was of legal drinking age and that we had two designated drivers. Funny, when her son came to take her drink order she said totally with it..."oh nothing for me, you know that your mother don't drink. " And she ordered a water.

    I know that this is unnatural for me and after reading your post I guess I did feel guilty (oh no, guilt is my weakness). I do not see myself wanting to repeat this....it's not something that I would be or ever wish to be proud of doing. So you know me way better than you may think.

    ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-18-2005 at 11:47 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2005, 01:23 PM   #183
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Hey, CBF Just wanted to give you a little update on K. MBF is busy getting ready while I am waiting my turn so I thought I'd pop in here and share a little bit of something regarding K.

    Turns out the other night I received a call from K. I have been missing her quite a bit and things have been going pretty well. There were a few instances when she called and gave me what I refer to as "attitude", however, she called back with an apology shortly after which is quite a step for her. My brother conferenced a call with Tom & I and has discussed some concerns only after telling us what a remarkable young lady she is and thanking us for the privelege of getting to know her better. He told us that she is a great kid, respectful, smart, good with the family & kids and responsiblilities. He went on to say that my new SIL and her kids absolutely love K. and he thinks she has a great head on her shoulders. His main concern was the car....while K. seems responsible he voiced concerns regarding peer influences and her possibly seeing it as a means to freedom and also isn't quite convinced that she wouldn't drink & drive which he saw no evidence of but just the concern of other's influence over her and her inability to balance that. He sounded like me and I shared that I held the same concerns and that we weren't going to just had K. the keys to a car...that we would definitely discuss the responsibilities of driving a car. His fear was that if she paid for the car (which we are expecting her to in addition to the insurance) that she will only see that as power to do as she pleases because it is hers. I assurred him that we had thought about that and would definitely speak to K. about that and how that is not going to be. The money for the car did originate from us for her 16th Birthday and she will be reminded of that.

    K. called while MBF was visiting all excited about having her hair permanently colored (something I've discussed my concerns about) and how her new Aunt took her out to lunch & dinner and that they decided how the new boy she had been seeing was too much of a challenge. I got a little sarcastic and did not respond in my usual way....MBF heard from my end the conversation and assurred me that everything I said was okay from my end....when I hung up I started to cry and MBF took me in her arms and I said I felt bad that my new SIL was doing things that I wouldn't particularly okay and that when K. came home I would be seen as the bad cop once again which I hate!! MBF assurred me that my SIL was only showing gratitude for what K. was doing for her in terms of helping out and that when it came to coloring her hair again that I would remind K. of this.

    Today, K. called all excited....it's the day of my brother's wedding with friends and K. is a bridesmaid and she said she wished I were there....I told her she must look beautiful & to email me pictures and that I was having my own fun with MBF for my birthday. I apologized to K. for how I was on the phone the last time we spoke...that I felt like the mom in the movie Stepmom....who loves her daughter dearly and does everything to make her daughter's life good by guiding her and then another steps in to make it all fun and that I sorta got jealous of that & shouldn't have because I know that her new Aunt had no bad intentions and was just thanking her for all the help she has been to her helping her out and all. I went on to tell her that I was missing her an awful lot and couldn't wait to hug & kiss her again. She laughed

    It is nice how K. & I can talk more now...we seem to be able to do so much better than in the past. I like that and am so grateful to my brother for all that he is doing to help us out and know that he has alot to do with these changes we see in K.

    MBF & I talked today and although we are having a great time the worry of the future is still heavy on her shoulders. We cried together and I offered my comfort as much as I could. She needs a miracle & I thought I would call on you for some extra prayers. It brings me great joy to see her smiling

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-23-2005 at 01:29 PM.

     
    Old 07-23-2005, 08:57 PM   #184
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Extra prayers? I say 6 rosaries per week as I exercise. Ever since she asked for my prayers, I've offered the rosaries for her financial future, your back and Job One. I wonder if more prayers are the answer to His granting our wishes. I really don't know what to think...

    K and you are transitioning nicely. Soon you two will be more than mother and daughter... you'll be special friends, too!

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 07-23-2005 at 11:07 PM.

     
    Old 07-24-2005, 07:59 AM   #185
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Extra prayers? I say 6 rosaries per week as I exercise. Ever since she asked for my prayers, I've offered the rosaries for her financial future, your back and Job One. I wonder if more prayers are the answer to His granting our wishes. I really don't know what to think......
    You sound so discouraged, my friend. I am confident that all will work out and it WILL take a miracle for MBF. It was a year ago upon her return from a visit to me that her husband informed her of his lack of employment. How wonderful it would be if when she got home that she had some "good news". Even I doubt that but I can't help but think that there are two more miracles in sight. Faith, my friend and some hope....that's what we all need.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 01:36 PM   #186
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Heartland ~ At this rate I think we are going to be praying forever. I am not having the best day, my friend and need you more than ever. It comes in threes whether it be in the form of miracles or hardships.

    I got a call from my brother today in regard to K. She has been doing wonderfully there and my brother , God bless him, has taken her under his wing in every regard. He has worked on teaching her and pointing out many a time how she needs to talk more respectfully to me on the phone since he often overhears some of her conversations and this has gotten much better. Yesterday he took her to the University of Delaware and Wesley College both in Dover. K. fell in love with Univ of Delaware....it is one of the larger schools with a freshman class of about 5000 and highly competitive. Wesley is smaller with about 1000 freshman and is run by Jesuit teachers etc. She really liked that the Univ of Del had a business program specifically geared to hotel/restaurant management. I loved the excitement in her voice as she shared everything about the campus. She went on a tour and a 90 minute welcome program. She did the same with Wesley.

    This morning my brother called and sounded tired. I was concerned about his health of course...they think he has some nerve involvement causing his pain and may put him on another med. Anyway...he asked me to sit down because he had something to discuss with me regarding K. My heart skipped many beats and I braced myself. He said that he has been really working on how K. approaches me and Tom with things that are happening in her life. He explained that when she gets all caught up in the excitement, he notices that she tends to misrepersent her true feelings coming across with an attitude rather than the way she intends to. He said that he notices this particularly when talking to me and has pointed this out to K. who agrees and wants to change that. (I absolutely adore my brother...if you can believe it he actually has a bigger heart than you & I put together ) Anyway....last night K. told my brother & SIL that she would like to finish up her last year of high school in Delaware. She wanted to get on the phone at that moment and tell Tom & I. My brother explained to me that he knows how impulsive K. can be and in order to better understand what had motivated her to want this he explained to her that she couldn't just go calling me with something like that and needed to put herself in her parents shoes and think of how we might feel about hearing something like that. He explained that he would be devastated if one of his kids called him with such news and then went on the ascertain the reasons behind her request. He instructed her to go and take some time and list all the pros and cons of doing such a thing. She worked on this for over an hour according to my brother and came back with her list. My brother said that he went over it and was up all night over whether or not he should intervene and had decided that all along this is about K. and to not call me would be wrong. My heart skipped some more beats as he went on explaining to me that the main reason that K. wants to go to the high school there as her #1 pro was to get away from her friends in NY. Now as a mom I went through an abundance of emotions at that very moment....from disbelief, to denial, to heartwrenching pain, and eventually too overwhelming love. And what do I do with this....as a mother I see her concerns, it all makes so much sense. She left to spend the summer with my brother with such excitement and at the same time relief. My instincts told me when she went that there was a good reason and that a teenage girl at her age normally would have a difficult time leaving her friends the summer before her Senior year. And I couldn't help but finally see that it all made sense. Part of me couldn't help thinking that perhaps she just wanted away from me but my heart told me otherwise. A mother senses these things and I had a strong feeling that K. sees that she needs a fresh start to change her life around but sees it as being impossible to do so with her closest group of friends. My brother was 100% convinced that what she was saying was true and I was too when he told me that she had decided that she wouldn't need a car like she had thought especially if she lived in Delaware where there's plenty of mass transportation. I cried and my brother assured me that he totally understood what I was feeling but honestly was afraid for K. from some of the things he has seen in regard to K. having a difficult time with peer pressure. I explained to my brother that part of me could see the fresh start approach but how realistic would that be in allowing her to succeed if she didn't identify what she needed to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. He said that he had thought about that and K. somehow sees her being able to succeed by palcing herself in a whole new environment where people didn't know here. He seemed to sense that K. felt that this Senior year in highschool would make or break her.

    Heartland....I spoke with Tom and all I could do was cry because sometime when you love something so much you have to let go and I see that perhaps that is what we need to do for K. My heart is so heavy and tormented by this but it says that for K. to want to do this, leaving all her friends and not graduating with her class as drastic as that may be it may very well be in her best interest.

    My brother went on to explain that K's second reason but not important one was that if she established residency this year in Delaware that she would save us all over $40,000 in college costs if she were to get into Univ of Del or Wesley. Ironically, my daughter seems to have grown up overnight, however, I can't help but feel the pain of it all. On the top of her con list was being away from her family especially her little sister. She told my brother that she wants to come home ASAP to spend the rest of the summer with us if this were to be and fly home weekends and long breaks to be with us. I am in the state of shock and in my heart am totally open to the idea if that is what will save my daughter. My brother expressed to me that he & my SIL would do anything to see that K. was happy and knew that Tom & I would do the same for them with any of their kids. When I asked him what he thought about all of this he said, "I think K. has been treading water and must feel as if she might sink and sees this as her lifeline." And I couldn't help but agree.

    Tom & I only talked for a little bit but came up with the option of suggesting that K. enroll in the school district out here......E. has expressed an interest in doing so. But I anticipate that K. will only see that as not what she needs because now that all her friends drive they will be able to come and see her whenever they want and that if she were to present her paln to her friends it would be more acceptable the way she has mapped it out in their eyes. The pressure of having a car and of doing what everyone else does must be quite overwhelming to her and I guess all the volatility and anger that she has demonstrated over the years must have stemmed from that.

    On top of all this I called MBF and got her husband. We spoke for over 30 minutes by phone. I asked how everything went this morning and he said they did the drug testing but were only able to offer him a salary of$10.50/hr. because he only could work part-time. He won't know anything until next Wednesday the soonest. He also told me that they got a lot of bad news today....they got fined for not being within code with a hottub that was given to them by a next door neighbor and they would have to get rid of it because they wouldn't be able to afford the fencing etc. to bring it up to code. This hottub was MBF's only sanctuary....it brings her peace & tranquility when she cannot afford to go on vacations and they will have to get rid of it. Also, their son needed a car and God provided one that was given to them from someone they had helped out. They put a little money into it...well it seems that when some engine work was done the oil filter was not replaced and it's going to take $1000 to repair which they cannot afford.

    MBF was out and my heart is sooo heavy for her. I cannot stop crying. I don't understand. Part of me would like to send money but I honestly think that if I did so her husband with his thinking would see it as God providing and this may hinder him from doing what he needs to do. And I know that MBF will feel the same way. It took so long for him to realize that he needs to go out & work and he just started doing so....I am not going to do anything that will allow him to go back to his old thinking. I know that MBF must be in a very bad palce right now and I need to think of how I can most help her out. I still have great faith that the job will work out and her husband assured me that he has applications all over the palce and when he told me that he is doing all the cooking & cleaning I was bold enough to tell him that MBF needs more than the and even if it was a little bit, she needed him to bring home a paycheck no matter how much, anything, just to take the financial burden off of her so that she could rest.

    I do not want you spending too much time responding as a matter of fact I am welcome to suggestions in regard to K. from anyone who is a parent here....I may be opening a new thread to get more support so as to keep you, my CBF, on the road that you need to be on right now. I still believe in miracles, however, today have been a little discouraged.

    To add to it all a huge thunderstorm is rolling in, I guess God's sense of humor once again since He must know how I hate them

    ~ Goody in one of her Baddy moods

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 05:41 PM   #187
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Hi, my friend What better time to say when it rains, it pours? (I hope you lost that sad look for just a moment.) I really don’t have much time because I need to paint the walls soon but I’m more than happy to share a moment with you since extra shoulders make the load lighter.

    Wow, I see both sides concerning K… It’s a battle of heart vs. logic. Do you want what’s best for your daughter who has buckled numerous times to peer pressure? Of course, but at the same time Tom and you lose her to adulthood without that final year you wanted to savor. I have no advice or words of comfort here... but just some perspective. Remember the friend I mentioned that lost his son recently? (I know you do.) How much warning did they have… when will they see him again? In the grand scheme of things, K’s proposal (I like her name, too ) is certainly preferable to my friend’s situation and it will most likely help her greatly. Just as a baddy wild hair thought, is it conceivable to take in one of your brother’s kids for the school year? It doesn’t seem practical on the surface, but somehow it seems like you would lessen your sense of loss if it seemed more like mutual sharing within the family. How’s that for creatively stupid?

    Thanks for the update on MBF. I am so sorry that she must face so much misfortune. I’m certainly should be the last one to say anything but every time you describe her DH cleaning and cooking like he thinks it should make up for everything else, I picture MBF telling him, “then do it as a job to bring in some money!” Anyway, when she didn’t post by early afternoon, I got a very bad feeling about how things were going for her. My heart goes out to her. It’s no wonder the rosary ending includes “in this vale of tears”; actually that phrase inspired the unusual ending to my poem.

    As I splatter myself with paint, I hope Tom, MBF and you talk more and can find some peace tonight.

    I'm sometimes busy but always your friend… -Heartland


    P.S. I’ve been meaning to tell you that I love it whenever you use the phrase “Oh, Heartland…”. It always reminds me of Mary Tyler Moore on the Dick Van Dyke show saying “Oh, Rob…”. I thought you might enjoy knowing that. Anything to brighten your day…

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 07:52 PM   #188
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Thanks, Heartland, you always sem to be able to put a smile on my face
    Still, I am exhausted from my "vale of tears" and am quite concerned about MBF.

    There is no opportunity to do a kid swap.....my brother has shared custody with most of the kids. His newest wife has a 15 month old and an 11 year old whose dad has shared custody as well....so as creative an idea it just won't work out.

    My concern is after speaking to K. several times throughout the day she disclosed that my new SIL suggested she transfer there after K. knew how badly she wanted to get into Univ of Del. and was concerned that her SAT scores were lower than the range needed but that she had worked with several people who were in state with lower scores than hers and had gotten accepted. She also expressed that she can do better her senior year without the pressure of her friends here. She just knows her chances of getting in are so much higher being in state and the principal at the High School assured her that she would definitely be accepted with her SATscores as an in state student since he has two sons that attend.

    Tom & I spoke and realize that if we do not allow her this opportunity and she doesn't get accepted from NY then she will always look back on us not being supportive of her dreams. On the other hand if she is not accepted from DE the only one she can find fault with is herself.

    We received an email from K. which I would like to share with you as an opportunity of getting to know her better.....


    Hey mom and dad,

    I know this is a big decision for me to make and each choice will have a different effect on my future. First of all I want to let you both know that the reason I want to stay for senior year has nothing to do with me not wanting to be with you guys in New York. I know I have always said to you that I can't wait to move out of the house but this has nothing to do with that. Actually I really miss and love you guys more than you think and if it weren't for me falling in love with the University of Delaware I would not want to stay here for my last year of high school. I am aware that I will be missing many memories and fun times of my senior year with my friends and with you but I have a feeling that I will fit in just fine here at **** **** High School. I know that I mentioned my friends as one of the pluses of me staying here because I will be able to start over and pick new friends who most likely will apply to the University of Delaware too. I just want you to know that I love you so much and I miss you when I don't see you but there will be plenty of opportunities for me to visit you or you to come see me. I also want you to be involved in my decision making over this and I want you to come visit the college and high school with me because I do care about your opinion, after all you're my family. Just know that whatever decision you make in the end I will always love you.


    Heres the pros and cons list.

    Pros: Increase my chances of getting into U.D. and receive more scholarship funds as a resident student, no tax, less trouble, save $40,000, cheaper insurance, get to know the family better, meet new friends that may apply to U.D., closer to Granny and Pa, really nice high school, getting to know Delaware

    Cons: Leaving family and friends, leaving neigborhood, missing out on senior year experiences with my best friends, not graduating from W.M.


    I hope you will give me the opportunity to make this difficult decision. It will allow me to demonstrate how responsible I can be. However, I will respect whatever decision that we make together.

    I love you, always and forever (you too E.)

    -K.-

    My eyes are fogged with emotion and it is still hard to see. Perhaps with a good night's sleep I will see things a little more clearly.
    Thanks for the smiles and good luck with the painting....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-05-2005 at 09:08 PM.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 03:13 AM   #189
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Goody, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind concerning K. I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend who lost his college-aged son. His son’s friends frequently went out drinking and that is one of the most suspected causes for their car accident.

    High school seniors always seem to have something to prove and it seems that K. senses some danger real enough to want to avoid her longtime friends and pick new ones. I find that kind of thinking for someone her age to be quite unusual and actually very scary. If in your estimation, K’s biggest reason for not returning for her senior year is her existing friends, that is a very powerful statement.

    Do you think K. envisions her friends doing something dangerous often enough, like drinking and driving, where she fears an accident? I ask because imagine how you would feel if you convinced K. to come back home for her senior year and then she became a victim of a serious accident caused primarily by a combination of peer pressure and experimentation. Please consider this carefully, my friend.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 07:41 AM   #190
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Goody, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind concerning K. I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend who lost his college-aged son. His son’s friends frequently went out drinking and that is one of the most suspected causes for their car accident.
    I know how painful a day this was for you and remember quite vividly how you described their loss. It is every parent's nightmare and of great concern for me as well. I have deeply expressed this fear with K. and ways to preserve her safety such as caling for a ride anytime with no questions asked. When she gets her car we are going to sign a MADD contract. But I am not thoroughly convinced of her ability to reisist peer influences based upon her past performances. That is what I am struggling with the most. In regard to what she has shared with me she says that she already knows "vomit limit" and "inability to make decision" limit in drinking. Far more than I wanted to know as a mom.

    I know it was a shock to you & I when I tried pot for the first time in my life and I see it as another good learning experience because I could see how quickly and totally unexpectedly it creeped up on you to incapacitate you from being able to drive. Our friends know Goody and often joke about my tolerance for alcohol. I can drink 3-4 Long Island Ice teas (not that I make a habit out of this ) and not even have a buzz. Champagne we all discovered to be my downfall....and I get silly from the bubbles everytime. However, with the pot I took 4-5 hits and it didn't affect me until almost 2 hours later. And it came in waves....one moment I was totally with it and the next I was giggling and so much more affected than alcohol. It scared me to think that people smoke & drive which may be even scarier than when drinking. As a learning experience this allows me the opportunity to discuss this with K. since she had admitted to smoking pot while staying at D.'s house.

    I also recently spoke with my friend about how I discovered pot also had an aphrodesiac effect on me and how I feared that our girls would be placed in a compromising position if they smoked it in mixed company. She told me that it had that affect on her husband, P., but not her and that everyone reacts differently. We had a good laugh when I told her that P. & I should never be left in the same room smoking the stuff


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    High school seniors always seem to have something to prove and it seems that K. senses some danger real enough to want to avoid her longtime friends and pick new ones. I find that kind of thinking for someone her age to be quite unusual and actually very scary. If in your estimation, K’s biggest reason for not returning for her senior year is her existing friends, that is a very powerful statement.
    I agree but in speaking to K. she doesn't readily admit that to me as this being her most important reason (although both my brother & I are convinced that it is and she has admitted this to my brother but not as strongly to me) As you can see in her email to me, she does bring that up and this mother's instinct/intuition tells me that it is. And my instincts are quite good as my own mother pointed out to me on the phone last night. K. really wants to get into this school....that is her main motivation because she is convinced that her only real chance of that is of being an in state applicant. And balanced with that is her need for a fresh start to be able to do that.

    One other thing that I thought you would find interesting is that my SIL shared with me how she feels that K.'s friend D. is her biggest problem and presents BIG red flags to them of all her friends. She doesn't even now D. but told me this and that D. has called K. everyday and K. is no longer accepting calls from her. I know that we both know that is a BIG sign that shouldn't be ignored.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Do you think K. envisions her friends doing something dangerous often enough, like drinking and driving, where she fears an accident? I ask because imagine how you would feel if you convinced K. to come back home for her senior year and then she became a victim of a serious accident caused primarily by a combination of peer pressure and experimentation. Please consider this carefully, my friend.
    Yes, Heartland, my instincts tell me that this is what is most motivating K. although she finds it difficult to readily admit it. In doing so she will be admitting her mistakes to me which as we both know is not easy for K. If she were to do as she wants here (avoid her friends) she would see herself as being friendless. Much less pain than starting anew in DE. Her chances are greater in that regard as well as securing a wonderful future for herself.
    K. knows that W.M.'s senior year is a year of partying....every weekend is going house to house partying. Senior events consist of a prom night of camping out and drinking 24/7 and partying the summer away before college. K. tells me that te summer before college she wants to come out to CM and spend it only with us not her friends. I find that hard to believe but she tells me that is her plan.

    My brother's last parent conference before this one regarding the car he expressed his deep fear of K. getting a car in NY and her needing to mature more. He came right out and said he deeply feared from what she had shared with him, that there would be a tregedy....the same that you & I fear.
    And so this coupled with everything else has me feeling that letting K. go one year earlier than expected may in fact be the lifeline we need to give her in order to save her life. And what parent wouldn't make that sacrifice???

    Tom is heartbroken about the idea, even moreso than I thought. He said he looks at it as some type of failure on his part. I assured him that it was the contrary, that somehow we had raised K. to march to the beat of her own drum, not an easy thing to do.

    With your help and in talking to Tom and my mom, I am leaning more towards letting go & letting God. A difficult thing to do allowing even Him control over what I hold most precious, but as she came into the world I promised Him I would be willing to do so. And so I guess, I must live up to that promise.

    Thanks, Heartland....I will keep you updated.....Goody

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 09:38 AM   #191
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Tom is heartbroken about the idea, even moreso than I thought. He said he looks at it as some type of failure on his part. I assured him that it was the contrary, that somehow we had raised K. to march to the beat of her own drum, not an easy thing to do.
    Goody, Tom should know that feeling like “some type of failure” as a parent is the norm. I certainly felt much like he does now and that has largely compelled me to share all I have to you on this thread as a way of making up for “botching” my opportunity as a parent. Only in hindsight does parenting seem to make any sense at all.

    Both of you can tell me if you agree with this thought… Until a child reaches the age of reason, parenting can be considered a proactive task (and maybe that makes us complacent.) During this period, most of the values a child carries forward through life are instilled. From then until the Meanager years, parenting transitions from directing a child to interacting with the child as they start to utilize and test the values they learned earlier. …and then come the Meanager years where parenting seems to be totally reactionary to behavior we can hardly believe. The only thing we can do now in a proactive way is to transition from being a “parent” into being a mentor. Parenting in the Meanager years reminds me of the tale of the little Dutch boy who sees a leak in a dike and plugs it with a finger. Of course, he couldn’t anticipate where the next leak would be so he was totally reactionary when it occurred. Soon there were more leaks than he had fingers and he felt all was lost. Others saw what was happening and came to his aid and the dike was saved. What better metaphor is there for the parenting of a Meanager?!? Tom’s chance to do it right will come, like mine did, when he has a chance to help someone else save the dike… for he’ll see parents, maybe his own daughters, who’ll need a mentor for being a better parent. After all, we all know it takes a village to raise a child. Sometimes the village may stretch to Delaware!

    Goody, I don’t know how it feels to be in your 2 shoes now, but the word nauseous comes to mind. But in a year or two, you’ll realize that you can never hang on to your kids as long as you’d like. When they’re grown, I think you’ll remember them in two ways… as a child totally dependent on you until they reached the age of reason and as the amazing adult they metamorphosized into. The time in-between will be a blur. If you see what I’m saying, remember to look forward in anticipation of the butterfly instead of bemoaning the loss of the caterpillar. Be the wind beneath her wings. By looking forward, mother and daughter will bond tightly and grow young together.


    Quote:
    I also recently spoke with my friend about how I discovered pot also had an aphrodesiac effect on me and how I feared that our girls would be placed in a compromising position if they smoked it in mixed company.
    I've always felt that alcohol and drugs didn't really have an effect on people other than to cause the users to lose their inhibitions. In a sense, we can discover our good natural tendencies and our bad ones, too. If we are careful observers, we can learn a lot about ourselves and our strengths and weakness from the experience. Please think about this a bit and tell me if you can see that, too. For instance, you are obviously a very loving person so it’s not at all surprising to me that an uninhibited Goody would be very amorous. Couldn’t that explain the aphrodisiac effect on you and why users don’t experience the same effects from such an experience?

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 08-06-2005 at 10:30 AM.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 02:05 PM   #192
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Goody, Tom should know that feeling like “some type of failure” as a parent is the norm. I certainly felt much like he does now and that has largely compelled me to share all I have to you on this thread as a way of making up for “botching” my opportunity as a parent. Only in hindsight does parenting seem to make any sense at all.
    It's amazing how we are able to see things a little bit more clearly. Tom & I had a long talk on this today. The last thing I said to him before we went to sleep last night was that I thought he was a wonderful father and I was sorry that I didn't tell him that often (as a matter of fact it's not nearly as often as I tell him I love him , in fact, it's something I fail to do and thought that he really needed to hear that). He thanked me and we both feel asleep exhausted. Today I told him that I had come to the realizaton that we were great parents and had succeeded, for if we weren't then K. wouldn't possess the confidence in being able to redirect her life. I also told him that while I was a little concerned about K.'s in ability to readily admit to us that she needed to be away from her friends and their bad influences on her that was sooo like her, for that was what she most struggeld with. K. rarely admits her mistakes and is more equipped to make excuses for her behavior. And for her to admit to us that she needs to get a way from her friends....well that would just be admitting to us that she screwed up. To me actions speak so much more than words and K. has told my brother that she needs to get away from these friends and has difficulty in telling us as her parents because in doing so she will be telling us that she made mistakes. To us, her wanting to take ownership of that and prove to herself that she can make a sacrifice and start anew speaks volumes about her character. I can't help but feel proud of all that we have done to instill that in her.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Both of you can tell me if you agree with this thought… Until a child reaches the age of reason, parenting can be considered a proactive task (and maybe that makes us complacent.) During this period, most of the values a child carries forward through life are instilled. From then until the Meanager years, parenting transitions from directing a child to interacting with the child as they start to utilize and test the values they learned earlier. …and then come the Meanager years where parenting seems to be totally reactionary to behavior we can hardly believe. The only thing we can do now in a proactive way is to transition from being a “parent” into being a mentor.
    I agree, and for now Tom is too overwhelmed to consider your thoughts. (He can barely keep up with my own ) But you are right....and if K. is to remain in Delaware we will be putting that into effect. As I stated above, both Tom & I do realize that as parents we have instilled everything into K.

    Another thing I brought up to Tom is that we are going to have to set a good example to K. of how we cannot be affected by other's reactions and opinions to this decision. We both realize that our 5 fab are going to judge us harshly for this decison....it will be difficult because 4 of them have daughters that are the very friends that K. is getting away from. This puts us in a very awkward position.....one of our friends is quite judgmental and will not hesitate to infer that we are trying to save a buck by setting K. up to live in DE and go to an affluent university that even she told K. through her daughter would be impossible to get into. WIthout disclosing the true reasons, it is likely that most of our friends will believe this. Also, I know Tom fears his mother's reaction and judgement of this in the sense that we would be considered "crazy to send K. to go live with a family member who is on his 3rd marriage." I told Tom, and he agrees, that it is really nobody's business and that as parents it is our job to do what we deem is best for K.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Parenting in the Meanager years reminds me of the tale of the little Dutch boy who sees a leak in a dike and plugs it with a finger. Of course, he couldn’t anticipate where the next leak would be so he was totally reactionary when it occurred. Soon there were more leaks than he had fingers and he felt all was lost. Others saw what was happening and came to his aid and the dike was saved. What better metaphor is there for the parenting of a Meanager?!? Tom’s chance to do it right will come, like mine did, when he has a chance to help someone else save the dike… for he’ll see parents, maybe his own daughters, who’ll need a mentor for being a better parent. After all, we all know it takes a village to raise a child. Sometimes the village may stretch to Delaware!
    I said the same thing to Tom today and my brother & SIL said that bottom line what matters the most is K.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Goody, I don’t know how it feels to be in your 2 shoes now, but the word nauseous comes to mind. But in a year or two, you’ll realize that you can never hang on to your kids as long as you’d like. When they’re grown, I think you’ll remember them in two ways… as a child totally dependent on you until they reached the age of reason and as the amazing adult they metamorphosized into. The time in-between will be a blur. If you see what I’m saying, remember to look forward in anticipation of the butterfly instead of bemoaning the loss of the caterpillar. Be the wind beneath her wings. By looking forward, mother and daughter will bond tightly and grow young together.
    I love this thought and you are so wise and such a great friend to point these things out to me.

    I spoke to MBF and we both cried together...both of us realizing the turbulent times we are experiencing in a totally different way. And as burdened as we are, God always with His great sense of humor hits us both at the same time and miraculously we still are able to advise and comfort one another when we both are knocked to the ground. As burdened as we are, we always seem to pull one another up. We laughed at that thought and through our tears. And I see you there right between us both giving that extra push we need to get us back on our feet. Sorta like when Jesus fell with His cross and he was offered water by someone who cared.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    I've always felt that alcohol and drugs didn't really have an effect on people other than to cause the users to lose their inhibitions. In a sense, we can discover our good natural tendencies and our bad ones, too. If we are careful observers, we can learn a lot about ourselves and our strengths and weakness from the experience. Please think about this a bit and tell me if you can see that, too. For instance, you are obviously a very loving person so it’s not at all surprising to me that an uninhibited Goody would be very amorous. Couldn’t that explain the aphrodisiac effect on you and why users don’t experience the same effects from such an experience?
    You know that you bring up a great point....I really never thought of it that way. I must say, in the same conversation with my friend she made a point of telling me that of all 5 of our girls, including her own, she thought that K. had a good head on her shoulder and would not cause us trouble. She told me that her daughter had shared many things with her and that K. was the smartest and most responsible of them all. She laughed and said of all the parties that her older sons had been to or thrown NEVER did she hear of one being thrown where the host didn't drink. That is, until K. had her party.

    Also, MBF disclosed to me today that when her & her son visited last summer and K.'s friends visited too....there was alcohol being served in her room. She agrees that K. had made a wise decision in wanting to make a fresh start for herself.

    Soooo......we will talk to my brother & SIL some more and I guess the next step will be to visit Univ of Del and Wesley as well as the High School K. is looking at. I am still in shock but if this is to be she needs transcripts and approval befroe the first Board meeting which is 8/23. I also realized that K. will apply for early admission by Dec. 1st and should know if she gets into Univ of Del by Dec 15th. If she doesn't then there is always time to reevaluate things and decisions. I guess that is what is of comfort as well.

    Thanks for all your love & insight. You ARE the best and I have been blessed with a CBF like you....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-06-2005 at 02:24 PM.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 08:43 AM   #193
    SayMoo
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 151
    SayMoo HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Take it from a 20 year old, you're not too strict. Your daughter is at a VERY STUPID AGE. She can have the best grades and the best personality and still make the stupidest mistakes.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 10:46 AM   #194
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SayMoo
    Take it from a 20 year old, you're not too strict. Your daughter is at a VERY STUPID AGE. She can have the best grades and the best personality and still make the stupidest mistakes.
    Thanks for responding, SayMoo. If you could go back and read post #187 and on and perhaps shed some light on whether or not allowing my daughter to relocate to DE to finish up her senior year of high school living with my brother, from 20 year old's perspective I would deeply appreciate it. My daughter has been staying with her godfather/uncle for the entire summer as a mother's helper and has been doing wonderfully in terms of maturing and making great decisions. She worked a job for a while but stopped due to it imposing on my brother's family's plans and activities.

    My newest update is yesterday she asked that my husband & I give her permission to be able to make the final decision as to whether or not she can finish up high school in Delaware. She has not formulated a decision as of yet and both she & my brother assure us that she isn't doing this as a way of getting away from us (believe me my brother is even stricter than us ) but as a means of increasing her likelihood of getting into the college of her choice and also of having a fresh start of making new friends who would be a better influence on her & may be likely to go to the same college as well.

    Your input and anyone elses would be appreciated. Thanks ~ Goody

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 05:15 PM   #195
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Teens Drinking

    Hi, my CBF I think that you deserve your own update on the situation.....I covered most on the Friend's thread but do not wish to monopolize things over there.

    One particular thing that I think you may be interestd in is when I placed a followup call to K., she shared with me how she had gone to mass today. I told her that many times I received a clear message from God when I had to make major decisions in my life and how this began in college for me. I also reminded her that if she prayed God would give her a sign to help her through. She agreed and brought up how today's gospel helped reminding her how she had faith but sometimes it was shaken like Peter was scared by the wind while trying to walk to Jesus on the water. I followed up by asking her how Jesus had responded to Peter's fear and lack of faith. She told me that He extended his hand and saved Peter from drowning. I told K. that God and her parents/family were there to do the same for her and no matter what her decision was we would all be there to support her 100%.

    I am awaiting her phone call. She knows that there is only one condition that we place on her making the decision.....that she remain committed to it and follows through like an adult would and realizes that there is no turning back. Once she makes it she finishes up her year wherever she chooses. K. is known to change her mind to suit her convenience (achildish way ) and I reminded her that if she wants to make an adult decision then she has to follow through like an adult.

    I will update here once K. calls us with her decision....Goody

    PS ~ Glad you like the name We chose it as a derivative of mine. Our younger daughter's phonically when combined with K's first two letters will make up my name. This was not done intentionally and a good friend of mine pointed that out. Funny....Tom had always wanted a daughter named after me....and by having two he got his wish!!!! Hope you have fun with that puzzle

    Update ~ Well K. called and as expected she has decided that the move to DE will be the best path to her future. My brother told me that she was actually quite surprised and touched that we were able to allow her to do this. Frankly....when she called I was numb and quite exhausted from the emotional toll that this has taken on me. The past 3 days have seemed like an eternity to me.

    We decided to drive down to DE this Tuesday to meet with the principal/guidance counselor at the High School. Wednesday, K. has a tour scheduled at Wesley which we will attend. Thursday we will go to Univ. of DE and meet with the admissions officer and financial aid department as well as tour it. K. is soooo excited.....but equally exhausted. I will have to get all transcripts and records together.....K. will return home for the remainder of the summer with us on Thursday/Friday and I will get her in for dental medical checkups sometime before Sept. 6th. My brother says that he will drive up to get her and collect all her stuff Labor Day weekend.

    On top of this all our younger daughter called a family meeting and wishes to transfer to our summerhome school district. She has made lots of friends here and since we purchased the home she always said that she wouldn't mind going to the school here. She has made lots of new friends this summer and says that she would be happier here. The high school here starts at 9th grade whereas at the SB school district it starts at 10th. Can you believe that Tom & I are actually contemplating the idea???? The only reason we decided to keep two homes was to allow the girls an opportunity to finish up school and now they are making it so that we don't need both homes. Financially it has been a waste but a sacrafice worth making knowing that we would only have to do it for 5 years. Now, we may be putting our house in SB on the market. I am shocked at all that has transpired over this weekend. I feel as if I have been throw off the rollercoaster

    ~ A very exhausted Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-07-2005 at 09:03 PM.

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:26 PM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!