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GeorgiaGrown 12-08-2004 02:09 PM

Re: Teens Drinking

Firstly, I should applaud you (as a 19 year old) for your openness with your daughter. I was also always on the top honor's list during school as well(graduated #2 in the class). My mom, however, was very close-minded about what things I would be experimenting with, and it led to a lot of anger on both of our parts. I never experimented with drugs, as I have seen what that can do to a family first hand. My mom was still very insulting after she found out about drinking (which didn't happen until my senior year in High School), she called me an alcoholic (when she found a beer bottle, only half empty) among other things.

Your daughter is very lucky to have someone who tries to communicate so well. You telling her to call you is one of the most comforting things a teenager can hear. I can't recall the amount of times I would have rather called, than stay where I was, but the consequences of suffering through whatever was going on always seemed less stressful than whatever wrath my mom would throw at me.

It may seem now like she's trying to go wild and cross every line you put in front of her, but how you have been handling the situations is wonderful. And with as good of a foundation as you are setting, she will be wiser about what social events she chooses in college. My mom _was_ strict, as I said, but it put enough fear in me to choose my actions away from home even more wisely than I did when I lived under her roof.

I hope everything works out :)

goody2shuz 12-09-2004 10:27 AM

Re: Teens Drinking
Thanks Mica & Georgia for your votes of confidence. :bouncing: :bouncing: These days us moms could certainly use them....I'm standing my course and reassuring both my daughters on a daily basis how very much I love them and want to see a happy future for them. That's what makes us moms happiest...seeing our dhildren happy....Goody ;)

heartlandguy 12-09-2004 10:51 AM

Re: Teens Drinking
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]That's what makes us moms happiest...seeing our dhildren happy[/QUOTE]It's the same for Dads. ;)

goody2shuz 12-09-2004 12:41 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]It's the same for Dads. ;)[/QUOTE] Tinman, I didn't mean to leave you dads out....twenty lashes with a wet noodle for that oversight :D :D ...Goody

Fallen2love 12-14-2004 12:34 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Not reading all SEVEN pages...but my reply..

When I was 16, I lived with my dad. He by far isn't the ideal role a parent. But I think if he impounded it into my head, DO NOT DRINK, etc I w ould have just to make him mad. She seems like a good kid. I wouldn't worry too much. My parents used the grounding technique to many times, and failed to comply, so I didn't care if my mom said your grounded if you do this. She hated and still does my best friend, but I tried to explain what my dad had said to me, She can't always choose my friend, and what I do in life but hope that she taught me well. Which is totally true in my opinion. My dad did a great job raising me. While my mom on the other hand just taught me what not to do as a parent. But wahtever!

goody2shuz 12-14-2004 08:30 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Hey Fallen :wave: Long time no see...thanks for coming to my good turn deserves another. ;) Thanks for the's good to hear a young woman's perspective on things...someone who is not too much older than my daughter ;) It really helps balance things and allows me to better understand her needs. Things are going so much better now...she actually brought home a contract from school that she found promising to be drug and alcohol free and to never drive while under the influence. She had signed it and there was a part on the bottom for the parents to sign stating that we would be good role models and drink responsibly and never drive while under the influence as well. we signed it and poted it on our fridge. She did this all on her own telling me that she wanted to regain my trust back. That to me is quite an effort and I was really touched that she went out of her way to do this for herself as well as me.

Hope all is well with you and thanks again for your post....Goody :angel:

Fallen2love 12-18-2004 05:43 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Well, I"m always glad to offer my two cents! LOL. I accually haven't been around much because my computer has been acting up, but I got it fixed, so i'm back until it breaks again, LOL!!

Thats awsome about the drinking contract. Thats something that you can hold onto. I know for work, lifegurading, we have a bonus program, to help promote guards to fulfill the contract [fyi i'm an assistant manager]. SO!
That always gives the reasuring feeling. I know I hate my parents not to trust me. My mom always thought I always have had a secret life I haven't had, and thats why we NEVER have gotten along. Altough i'm living on my own now and its brought us closer together because shes not always on my back, and can't accuse me of anything because she isn't here.

heartlandguy 01-06-2005 12:41 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Hey, Goody :wave:

I assume things are still going well with K since you haven't posted here recently. I am curious if she commented more on the option of reading the self-help book in order to shorten her sentence in “solitary confinement”. Did she see it only as a deterrent rather than a shortcut? Any feedback that we can use for when our granddaughters become teenagers will be appreciated.

P.S. Congrats to Tom on his no smoking resolution! Give him a hu… …er… high-five for me. I wish you all the best for 2005. -Heartland

goody2shuz 01-06-2005 09:39 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Hey, Heartland....I appreciate your checking in with seems so long since K's incident. I have come to realize that the next 5 years or so that we will need to chose our battles. Sometimes I find myself wondering if K and I will ever be friends...I'm trying so hard to let go but it's so difficult to do so once you lose trust. My good sense of humor I find is my strongest tool..I'm beginning to learn all her tricks of trying to make me feel bad with her comments like..."I can't wait to get out of here...." I laugh and say that I'm counting the days too but meanwhile we're stuck with each other so go get the load of laundry she didn't fold and put it in her drawers while she still has some :D

As far as her drinking, she did some research online about teenage drinking and drug use and put together two weeks worth of newspaper articles that involved drunk driving (figured I'd have her read about that since she wants so much to get that car of hers). Things have improved tremendously however, K is strongwilled and could argue a case better than any defense lawyer I have ever seen. Imagine your granddaughter making a remark on how she is only fighting for her rights :eek: :eek: I feel like she's talking like an abolitionist back during the Civil War period half the time :rolleyes:

She's really a good kid...her grades thank goodness are still great but I do worry about her uncertainty when it comes to college. She does want college and I feel if anyone needs to go away...she is certainly the one, however she has no idea what she would like to do. We have made various suggestions.....the only one she sees interested in is something to do with computer game software, and she has said that she would love to be a marine biologist working specificly with whales and dolphins but can't stand seeing sick animals and probably wouldn't be able to do it. Just recently she has said that she can't wait to go away to college just for the freedom to heart dropped. Is this's as if it's her main priority in life :eek: :eek: I sometimes feel as if she is just testing her boundaries...Tom & I were just talking and are torn on what to do in terms of college...I say she needs to go away he seems to think she is better off at home where we can guide her. I feel somewhat the same but want her to have the independence she is fighting for. I went away and grew up so much by doing so and feel for a girl it is a must to be out on your own before settling down and getting married. My parents live in Pennsylvania, my brother in Delaware, my other in Charlotte as well as Tom's 2 sisters....I would like to point her in that direction so that she will be near family. Tom also feels that with the cost of college the way it is, have her begin here close to home until she really knows what she wants for a year or two. Tom has 2 brothers that are in their 40's both in & out of rehabs and I guess his worst fear is that K will end up like them..but I see K has pride in her grades and she has expressed how hard she has worked for them & wants more than the community college scene. And I tend to agree. are a little more at an advantage here having been through this before...what do you think??? I feel I can ask you because you have wonderful insight into things and have held my hand through some tough times....I'm calling on you again, my friend, and anyone else here who with experience can lend me some advice.

Sorry I got too lengthy...somehow when you pop in here it's almost as if you sense my need for advice. I just realized in writing all this that perhaps Tom & I have sheltered K a little bit more than we should because of his family history of having an alcoholic dad and 2 brothers with alcohol/drug dependency although I think we are not much different than her friend's parents.....all I know is that I love her and hope that after all this is over that we will be friends....Goody :angel

jansy 01-06-2005 10:19 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
im going to answer just because recently i was a teenager :D (im now 20)
although i understand that you would be worried and find it hard to trust your daughter on these issues at the same time i dont think it is a huge deal. 16 would probably be a little too young for me to allow my daughter to do that but at 17 or 18 i would be ok with it as long as they are in the house where i know where they are.....(i just rememberd im in canada and our legal drinking age is 19 :eek: even still i think if she were a bit older i wouldnt have too much of a problem with it. i think you did the right thing by calling the parents though. and i would defanatly have a problem with her smoking weed. that one there is no arguments there.

heartlandguy 01-07-2005 11:18 AM

Re: Teens Drinking
Hey, Goody :angel:

[I]“she can't wait to go away to college just for the freedom to party” [/I] I’m not surprised a bit. My favorite saying in college was “College is a fountain of knowledge where students go to drink.” Big help I am, huh? ;) Hey, I went to college in the last half of the 60’s during the height of the most famous experimentation era and survived. And I learned a lot, too. I know Tom is worried about alcoholism in his family. You two have been model parents concerning drinking and children eventually gravitate to many of their parents’ habits. Take solace knowing you’ve done all you can in this area.

College is most valuable when experienced away from home because it’s a more complete transitioning into responsible adulthood. My wife and I were away-from-home students at the state university and have only good things to say about the experience. Although the risks will be higher as a student away from home, K will be much better prepared for life after college. At this point, be glad she wants to attend college for any reason. Few students keep the major they start with anyway. Luckily, you have several years to prepare her for the transition to college life. In fact, offering college away from home as an incentive could help K “keep clean” for the rest of high school.

College should be one of the happiest times in her life if she is responsible. However, if she parties too hardy, she should know the school administration will say “it’s one year and out to the real world!” Since she is a good student, it shouldn’t be hard to convince her that there will be plenty of opportunity for studies and a good time.

Now is a good time to start discussing with K options that promote responsibility in college. Depending on her personality, a sorority might be a good choice. I was in a fraternity and believe the structure it provided made my college experience quite a bit safer. My son was in a fraternity, too, and has made similar comments. Sororities and fraternities aren’t for everyone but certainly help some people. I also worked about 10 hours per week after my first year in college for pocket money. It made me more responsible. At first, I worked in a grocery store but eventually got a job working for the university in the department of my major. Likewise, my wife-to-be worked for a year or two. Being a hotel maid also provided her more than ample incentive to do well in college.

Goody, you should also be concerned about their faith as they leave home. My wife and I thought that attending mass weekly as a family plus Catholic grade and high schools, etc. would prepare our kids for life as Catholics. Simply put, it has not. While they are all fine people, as of now they all but ignore their religious upbringing, which greatly frustrates the Mrs. and me. So I have no advice on this one, but I feel obligated to tell you.

I know this is a tough time for Tom and you. Sounds like our girls shared notes with K. (Did you know Stalin was nicer than me? Imagine that.) Our kids were strong-willed, if anything, just like yours. In fact, I’ve noticed that I’ve started to use the term “meanager” because it feels so natural. Just stay the course. When K is finally on her own for a bit, she will suddenly realize mom and dad are pretty smart after all and she will become your best friend. :angel:

goody2shuz 01-07-2005 06:19 PM

Re: Teens Drinking I already said in previous posts you always have the kind words and gentle way of saying just what one nees to hear. You've pulled me up from the trench I sorta fell into...and it's always nice to be helped out by someone I truly consider to be a genuine friend.

Had to ask Tom who Stalin was since history was and always will be my downfall :D And it's hard to believe that you would even compare yourself to a dictator when what I see coming across these boards is everything but.

I am really glad that K is going to be collegebound...I just wish she would narrow it down to what she sees herself making a career out of. She certainly has a way of arguing a case but definitely doesn't see herself in a legal field. :D She does take her studies seriously to the point of even redoing and English paper to improve upon her grade. Or extra credit to get the A instead of a B+.

I can imagine her on a small campus rather than a large one. She has a handful of close friends and tends to be on the shy side & may get swallowed up by a large college. I went to a Catholic mostly all girls choice, with a minor in Pastoral studies. So I am so unfamiliar with frats and serorities....actually I invision them as being like Animal House and a scary scene totally opposite of what you describe as having structure and safety. I, in my inexperience would tend to think that the hazing and initiatons could be quite dangerous....

When I was in college there were parties and trips to Bear Mountain where West Pointers hosted toga parties and the such. So I am not naive enough to think that K won't have her share of party experience :bouncing: And like you..I participated in a work study program to make my spending money and to help pay for my books in the microbiology lab making petri dishes and autoclaving the instruments we used to disect our animals. I pretty much took out student loans and relied on financial aid.... Tom, on the other hand, joined the navy and went for a semester to college while his dad was recovering from his alcoholism and then took over the family business with his sister which he worked for over 30 years. We have put aside money for each of our girls realizing that today it will be almost impossible for them to do it all on their own but we intend for them to save in order to help us out.

I can't agree with you more on the fact that away from home college is a terrific once in a lifetime experience of transitioning from high school into adulthood. And I feel that K will highly benefit from this. I am trusting that we have instilled our good morals and beliefs that she will fall back on when faced with any decisions that may come her way. We do attend mass as a family and I have introduced both my girls to faith in being their catechist for the past 11 years bringing them and 7 other of their peers through the sacraments up to Confirmation...I finish up my younger daughter when she is Confirmed this fall. I know that they don't really understand how faith will become an important part of their lives and I didn't until I went to college myself and started living it out in my own way. But I hope that what I have shared from my personal experiences will finally come into play when they are out there in this crazy world we live in today.

Thanks again for your strong vote of confidence, really know just the words I need to hear to keep my head above water during these crazy days in our household. Sorry it took so long to get back to you here..I was having such a great time on that road trip we were planning ;)

God bless you, my dear cyberfriend and thanks for being here for me.....Goody :angel:

heartlandguy 01-09-2005 02:14 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
Goody, I think I mislead you about sororities and fraternities. There are all kinds of both, just like there are all kinds of people. The fraternity I joined was one of the tame and sane ones. Since I am extremely curious, that setting was just what I needed. I think I would have taken bigger risks in a less controlled setting. (Indeed as you mentioned, some of the other houses were like Animal House and, in hindsight, scary.) With some help from my parents, I researched a few fraternities during the summer preceding rush week and had an offer from my fraternity in advance. If K was to consider a sorority, I would suggest doing something similar.

FYI, it was one of my teenaged daughters that told me that Stalin was nicer than me. Personally, I think I’m much nicer than Stalin. :D

Goody, you have been a blessing for me, too. I have come to realize that your soul is very much like that of my dear sweet wife. As trusted cyberfriends in a very controlled setting, we converse with shields down. Simply put, that openness has let me see how many wonderful qualities my wife has that I’ve forgotten, ignored or simple failed to notice. Knowing you has enriched my life and my relationship with my wife. God has blessed both of our families and I thank Him for what I have been able to learn through you. :angel:

goody2shuz 01-09-2005 06:02 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, I think I mislead you about sororities and fraternities. There are all kinds of both, just like there are all kinds of people. The fraternity I joined was one of the tame and sane ones. Since I am extremely curious, that setting was just what I needed. [/QUOTE]

Didn't realize that there were all different kinds...but I would imagine that they exist only on large this ture??? Like I said, I think K would do best in a college that is smaller where she won't get sucked up in it all and be able to meet some close friends. Funny, that I would categorize her as on the shy side but that's how she tends to be until she trusts and gets to know other people.

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]FYI, it was one of my teenaged daughters that told me that Stalin was nicer than me. Personally, I think I’m much nicer than Stalin. :D[/QUOTE]

From what I see here, I would definitely agree. ;) I was just saying to K today how scientists have discovered that there is an area of the brain in teens that controls one's emotions that is definitely different than an adults that causes them to think & feel the way they do. She smiled at that bit of information :D

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, you have been a blessing for me, too. I have come to realize that your soul is very much like that of my dear sweet wife. As trusted cyberfriends in a very controlled setting, we converse with shields down. Simply put, that openness has let me see how many wonderful qualities my wife has that I’ve forgotten, ignored or simple failed to notice. Knowing you has enriched my life and my relationship with my wife. God has blessed both of our families and I thank Him for what I have been able to learn through you. :angel:[/QUOTE]

Yes, Heartland.....I feel much the same way about things. You have brought out the best in me on these boards and I know that someday we will meet....when my time comes and my soul is called back to heaven..I know that it will recognize yours and rejoice in the blessings that we have discovered together here. And there will be many others too.....

I must go to check on my youngest....her big audition for the school play of Godspell is tomorrow and she has 102F fever. She has been sleeping all day and is heartbroken that she will miss out on her big chance at getting a lead role in the play. My heart is heavy...for I know it's her dream..she has told me that she thinks about singing 90% of each day. She has worked with her voice teacher all last week on how to go about getting it and picked out the song and then this happens. Please keep her in your prayers....she really deserves to get a lead and we were both thinking that tomorrow would finally lead to it. 150 kids trying out and 60 will be cut tomorrow. She wants Mary Magdelene.....but the play is mostly chorus so either way I have reassurred her that she will be in it...but she wants it all, and i had a dream the other night that she made it...maybe dreams really do come true. :angel:

Thanks again my friend for your post...I really do look forward to your advice and support here. God bless and know that you & your family are always in my prayers....Goody :angel:

~Babyboo~ 02-10-2005 02:49 PM

Re: Teens Drinking
hey,I myself is a teen.. so i know you are not going to listen to what i have to say but i am going to say it i dont think you should have called your daughter's friends parents what i think you should have done is got the drink and put it away and went in there were they were and sit them down and talked to them..about why they done it and you better be glad that they done it at your house unstead of going out and drinkin some where else were they could get are a parent and you worry but when you set your daughter down and talk to her talk to her about what she done and lisen to what she has to say because if you dont it could get worse and you cant do nothing about you are lucky that she tells you stuff some girls dont even talk to their parents...

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