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    Old 03-03-2005, 04:02 PM   #61
    heartlandguy
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Please read post #114 on the friends thread for my typical evening schedule. It applies tonight unless you think there is an unusual situation.

    I can read anything you post tonight. Need I reply more than a few lines before tomorrow?

     
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    Old 03-03-2005, 04:17 PM   #62
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Please read post #114 on the friends thread for my typical evening schedule. It applies tonight unless you think there is an unusual situation.

    I can read anything you post tonight. Need I reply more than a few lines before tomorrow?

    No need to reply unless you feel the need to

     
    Old 03-03-2005, 04:41 PM   #63
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    Wink Re: Teens Drinking

    Im not a mother of a teen, but I am a 19 year old girl, and I wanted to try to help you out.
    When I was 14 I was just like your daughter, My father is an alcoholic, and it runs elsewhere in the family as well.

    My mom did something, that I think you should try.

    She found me drunk with a whole bunch of friends in my bedroom one day, (I wanted to be an adult though, but now I know I was only acting like a child.)

    It was obvious she was upset,
    She called parents, let them know, and sent them home. She left me in my room to sober up, and 4 hours later, we took a long quiet drive to an AA meeting. She wasnt saying I was an alcoholic, she was letting me know its possible to have a problem at any age. We sat in the back of the room, while these grown people were talking about the things they have done, and the things they regret, etc.

    I will never forget those stories, And the faces on those people when they were talking about hurting so many people.
    I looked at my mom, apologized and basically grounded myself. I knew it was wrong, and honestly it scared the living crap out of me.

    to this day I have not had a sip of alcohol, Im not saying I never will, but it taught me a very good lesson, and by the sounds of it your daughter is a very intelligent girl, and shes just trying to push your buttons, as all teens will try atleast once.

    I dont know if this will work for you, but it is worth a try.
    Being young, I can still remember the things that worked for me, and the things I wish would have happend to get me out of my ¨rebelious¨ stage of life. The best thing to do, is always let her know you love her, let her know youŕe disappointed but, that you will always love her, if she doesnt feel love, she will have no reason to stop.

    Anyway, I hope all works out for your family, the ¨I want to be an adult¨ stage always ends, just keep that in mind.
    Best wishes.

    -Laura

     
    Old 03-03-2005, 06:18 PM   #64
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Wow Laura....I really appreciate your post. Yes...like you said already my daughter is sooo intelligent even more than I wish She can argue a case until you actually believe that black is white and white is black

    I think your suggestion to attend an AA meeting is GREAT I am going to make a plan to take her out to lunch with a special adventure taking her to a meeting Thanks so much for sharing and letting me see it from the otherside....Goody

     
    Old 03-03-2005, 10:03 PM   #65
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    Smile Re: Teens Drinking

    Just remember not to accuse her of being like them, just show her the light, and sheĺl see the path.

    Im glad I could help. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

    Best wishes!

    -Laura

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 05:18 AM   #66
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    I had to write for K’s sake.

    In hindsight, your marriage thread provided you with three key ingredients:
    · Strong Visions
    · Clear Plan
    · Loving Support of many friends

    Does K have those same three keys to success?

    EmptyComfort gave you a fabulous idea for providing K with a strong vision.

    Support, without trust, becomes Control.
    Last night, I felt no trust. I ran away…

    Please think about this and K until Monday. Until then, I’ll be following this advice, too.
    -K2B1S

     
    Old 03-13-2005, 03:25 PM   #67
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    I had to write for K’s sake.

    In hindsight, your marriage thread provided you with three key ingredients:
    · Strong Visions
    · Clear Plan
    · Loving Support of many friends

    Does K have those same three keys to success?

    EmptyComfort gave you a fabulous idea for providing K with a strong vision.

    Support, without trust, becomes Control.
    Last night, I felt no trust. I ran away…

    Please think about this and K until Monday. Until then, I’ll be following this advice, too.
    -K2B1S
    Right now we are on one of the drops of the rollercoaster ride......K. & I are in the silent treatment mode right now. Screaming with our hands up doesn't seem to help. Never tried this mode but it is the only thing I can think of right now. I will explain more tomorrow.

    It is on my TO DO LIST to bring K. to an AA meeting...just need to find the right place & time

    Thanks for sharing your list of ingredients. I will keep them in mind as I continue on the rollercoaster ride.......Goody

    PS.....The "Friends" is closed and may leave you with the need of opening your own thread if you need support. Perhaps on the OCD board. Thanks for your help.

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-13-2005 at 04:28 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 08:34 AM   #68
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    OK.....haven't had the best of weekends. Guess we're approaching the next hill of the rollercoaster ride. K. was on restriction for totally ignoring her dad's and my instructions regarding the movement of furniture between hers and her sister's bedrooms. In the past within her own room she has managed to rip up carpeting so when her & her sister were talking about switching rooms I specifically made mention of it being ok with the exceptipn of the movement of any furniture which could cause damage. Both assurred me that it would just involve moving clothes between dressers & closets.

    Well....turns out the furniture was being dragged out of rooms afterall and when discovered by hubby he went bonkers....I asked K. and my other daughter why they had proceeded to do so despite my telling them specifically not to. She went on to say that I never told her not to blah, blah, blah....and I told her that she was lying and to swear on her grandparent's lives that she didn't have the understanding from me no matter how it was said that the furniture wasn't to be moved. Of course she couldn't and I told both the girls that I wasn't as upset about the moving of the furniture as I was in their total disregard of my wishes and the lying & defiance involved and that it would not be tolerated in our house. Hubby issued a punishment of no TV, phone, social life, stereo...NO FUN for a month eeeek Of course this was extreme and issued in the heat of a moment and I told the girls to go into their rooms and think about what they had done and to independently report to us when they understood clearly their wrongdoing. Of course our younger daughter came to us first and apologized for her disobedience and we told her the punishment was harsh and would be reduced to a week. We asked her what the right thing would have been to do if she or her sister had had a change of heart regarding the furniture being moved. She said that she should have discussed it further with us and I agreed and told her that although it may not have been done exactly at the moment she wanted it to be done...that when her dad got another friend to help him out that it may have been arranged.

    K. came down and apologized as well only to come home the following day to inform us that all her friends thought it was ridiculous her being in trouble for just moving furniture around and that they had all done the same thing and never would get in trouble for doing the same. I went on to explain it wasn't so much the furniture but her total disregard over authority and obeying her parent's wishes. This escalated throughout the week to her just further disrespecting us and walking the dog and meeting up with friends etc. in which we added a day for each defiant act. We were even nice enough to allow her to not have to cancel an already planned ski trip with a friend but still she went about trying to make everyone's lives as miserable as hers. if she was going down so was everybody around her

    The cursing came, the attitude , the "you can't make me do this" and in our face every moment revolution!!!!! Comments of "I don't want to eat here because all I have to do is clean up after the meals"...."I don't have to vacuum I have enough of my own stuff to do in life!!!" And so I was ordered by hubby not to do anything nice for her and I agreed and told her how painful it was to see other teens respecting their parents and that Tom & I were certainly entitled to the same and that until we got it from her that we would be doing the bare minimum for her. And I told her that since she didn't seem to have anything nice to say that I had no intention of speaking to her again until she was able to address me in a respectful manner.
    And so that is where we stand....she's gone & went to her ski trip with not so much as a word.

    In the past it's been I that extends the olive branch but it's high time that she learn to do the same. And so I wait, as painful as it is to feel the alienation, I can't think of anything else I can do without adding fuel to the fire.

    My next door neighbor called me and said that K. spoke to her about wanting to go back to the bagel store and her telling K. that she was out of her mind to even think of such a thing after all that went on there & that she was in total agreement with us in regard to that. She also told K. that she ought to know when to keep her mouth shut....that opening it up only causes her to get herself into more trouble. And that bottom line that if parents say something is black and you see it white that it was her job to see it black as well. So we'll see where that all gets us.

    So...the vision is a bit hazy, the plan is on hold for now, and the support is as good as we can give at this time. I know that it should get better.

    This morning I pulled my back out.....I'm hurting pretty bad and have the heating pad and meds pumped into me. No more snowmobiling for a while for Goody

    Heartland....I hope all is well with you and hope you don't get bogged down with my little hurdles....I will get over them and think it's important for you to tackle you own but would appreciate your feedback anyway. Hoping that you've manged to tackle a few of your hurdles as well....Goody

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 01:00 PM   #69
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Hey Goody,

    Unfortunately, I don't have much to offer now but a caution. Keep in mind is that the younger child learns from the oldest. The older child tests out the rebellion strategies; the younger child perfects them. Whatever you do now, the younger one will remember and figure out a way to beat it in her good time. You’re nowhere near full circle concerning the mean-agers. It’s all about surviving the child rearing years.

    BTW, I emailed for guidance on starting a new thread. Nothing back yet. Otherwise, things are going well except for my first cold of the season.

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 01:33 PM   #70
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Hey Goody,

    Unfortunately, I don't have much to offer now but a caution. Keep in mind is that the younger child learns from the oldest. The older child tests out the rebellion strategies; the younger child perfects them. Whatever you do now, the younger one will remember and figure out a way to beat it in her good time. You’re nowhere near full circle concerning the mean-agers. It’s all about surviving the child rearing years.

    BTW, I emailed for guidance on starting a new thread. Nothing back yet. Otherwise, things are going well except for my first cold of the season.
    MBF called this morning....we spoke for over 2 hours......she must have sensed my need regarding K. as well as my pain regarding my back I haven't felt this much in a long time. Went to gather up towels for laundry and the tearing sensation came on like never before. I have a call into my doctor. Cannot walk or move legs without excrutiating pain. Am lying on a heating pad for hours with no relief.

    Anyway......while speaking to MBF I realized that K. is not so much a bad kid as she is on wanting her independence now. Tom & I need to hang in there....I know I'm a good mother and as I describe how I handle things MBF agrees that there is nothing else I could have done or said better. K. is just trying to break me to the point that she can get her way.....I'm worn out but not giving up. A few weeks ago I was talking to her while we were driving. I shared with her how I thought my mom was the strictest mom and that I remember when I was in situations where I had to choose between right & wrong and how I would always here my mother's voice in the back of my head even though she wasn't there. I asked K. if that happened with her yet and she said, "All the time and I can't stand it!!!" I smiled and said, "Good...then I know I am doing my job."

    So....I guess I just have to grin & bear it. I was really hoping that I would have a close relationship with K. that we could look back on these years and smile.....that's what hurts the most is that her & I will look back on these years and see them as painful and not very happy ones. And I never thought it would be that way. I know that I have more of a duty to guide her than of being her friend...but somehow I was hoping that I could do both.

    That's good that you asked for guidance in reference to opening a new thread......I would't want to do the wrong thing around here and I am sure that you will find a means of getting the support that you need and so deserve of which I would be part of. If you think I can help in anyway please let me know.

    The doctor just called and Tom will be picking up a script soon. Once the med kicks in I should be better. Hope your cold is shortlived.....lots of fluids and Nyquil should do the job. Thanks for the encouragement.......Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-14-2005 at 01:37 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 02:18 PM   #71
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    K. came down and apologized as well only to come home the following day to inform us that all her friends thought it was ridiculous her being in trouble for just moving furniture around and that they had all done the same thing and never would get in trouble for doing the same.
    Goody, a couple of thoughts came to mind. The phrase “all her friends” is starting to bring back memories. If I remember correctly, two things happen with teenagers. First, all the friends come from “perfect homes” and none of them ever have any problems with their parents; yeah right! Second, sometimes teens learn some lessons from school that don’t help around the house, like maybe the mean-agers have learned about unionizing against parental management. Didn't you try any of this when you were a teen? (Remember that you told me last week that I remind you of K in some ways. )

    You said that your next-door neighbor didn’t exactly agree with K. So doesn’t it seem a little odd that K tells you that her friends “had all done the same thing and never would get in trouble for…” Maybe since you are in pain and can’t move much now, you might want to call up a few of these other perfect parents and compare stories a bit. Seems like I remember at least one group meeting of parents, along with their teens, where the teens’ stories changed a bit. Maybe that’s just what the doctor ordered.

    BTW… Did your injury occur because you gathered up the towels differently because of your frustration with K? Take care.

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 03-14-2005 at 02:19 PM.

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 02:42 PM   #72
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Goody, a couple of thoughts came to mind. The phrase “all her friends” is starting to bring back memories. If I remember correctly, two things happen with teenagers. First, all the friends come from “perfect homes” and none of them ever have any problems with their parents; yeah right! Second, sometimes teens learn some lessons from school that don’t help around the house, like maybe the mean-agers have learned about unionizing against parental management. Didn't you try any of this when you were a teen? (Remember that you told me last week that I remind you of K in some ways. )
    Yes....Heartland, as usual what you say is true. I imagine I tried the same tricks when I was a teenager but it's not as if I didn't notice K.'s plan because that is the first thing I said to K. I told her that I was onto what she was trying to do but that she probably failed to tell her friends the part where she had done wrong...not in moving the furniture but in disobeying me by doing it when she was specifically asked not to.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartland
    You said that your next-door neighbor didn’t exactly agree with K. So doesn’t it seem a little odd that K tells you that her friends “had all done the same thing and never would get in trouble for…” Maybe since you are in pain and can’t move much now, you might want to call up a few of these other perfect parents and compare stories a bit. Seems like I remember at least one group meeting of parents, along with their teens, where the teens’ stories changed a bit. Maybe that’s just what the doctor ordered.
    I already did this...see Goody is starting to go one step ahead at time. This past weekend one of the fab four moms and I decided that this is the time that we are going to make our own decisions not even based upon what the others are doing and our daughters are being informed of this. So we're one step ahead of them

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartland
    BTW… Did your injury occur because you gathered up the towels differently because of your frustration with K? Take care.
    No...but I won't rule out the possibility that it was stress induced although I have incurred more stress than this and haven't ended up in the state I am in. Although...if K. had vacuumed this weekend instead of leaving it to me I may not be in this state either It's nobody's fault....it's just how things happen...it comes on when I LEAST EXPECT IT

    Thanks...my friend....am hoping to hear all about your developments as well....Goody

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 05:59 PM   #73
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Heartland....Thanks for the great advice again.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-19-2005 at 07:15 AM.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 07:18 AM   #74
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Okay, my daughter passed her driving test yesterday, which makes Goody quite nervous. It throws a whole new element of worry into my life. As it stands she can drive to & from work or school until she turns 17 in September. I am thinking of designing a contract for her to sign in terms of driving...what are your thoughts on that???? I know that your a step ahead of me on this, so thought you may have some advice.

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-19-2005 at 01:38 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 12:56 PM   #75
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    Re: Teens Drinking

    Goody, we bought our kids older cars that were too “practical” to hot-rod. (In my opinion, the type of car influences a teenager’s driving habits more than anything else.) We paid for gas and maintained the car for them but charged them discounted mileage when they exceeded the school, work and bonus mileage. We paid “accident free” teenager rates for insurance. I know we had a few rules but I don’t remember them now. On very special occasions (prom, etc.), they could use the family car. Their cars got some dings in them but, overall, I think our kids acted as responsibly as could be expected.

    I assume the contract you are contemplating must be signed. Making K sign a contract basically says you don’t trust her. I feel a contract just sets the price for breaking a rule rather than discouraging it. If she is tempted to break a rule and she doesn’t have your trust, she can’t lose your trust by breaking the rule. If she breaks a rule, she merely must be willing to pay the set price. On that basis, a contract could be a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e., a parental dare). -Heartland

     
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