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My 4-year-old and MY Parents

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Old 12-01-2004, 02:38 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 64
Mimi1200 HB User
My 4-year-old and MY Parents

Please, I need advice. My 4-year-old (will be 5 in March) is not very close to my parents. I would like for them to have a stronger bond with my son, but I feel as if they are more "disciplining" grandparents than "spoiling" grandparents. I love my parents very much and maybe these feelings have something to do with my upbringing. You see, My Mom used to abuse me and she's sorry for it. She tells me over and over, "I don't know why he (my son) won't come to me. I won't hurt him".

How can I get over this anguish of my son being around my parents? He will be staying with them this weekend and he's already told me that he doesn't want to go. I say nothing but positive things towards his stay with them. He's stayed with them before and he's done good. It's just the initial getting him there (he doesn't want to go).

Please help me feel better! I'm sick!

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Old 12-01-2004, 08:13 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Jacksonville, AL USA
Posts: 997
siren1024 HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

I don't have much advice for you, but do you think your son is picking up on your buried feelings towards your parents because of your past with them? You may say positive things about them, but obviously you feel differently at times. I don't blame you for this, anyone would be a little scarred from that experience. Children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for sometimes. Maybe if you spent more time with your parents with your son there, he would view what has become a loving relationship between you and your mom, and that would replace his sensitivity to past "baggage"?

I know my mom's stepfather was verbally and emotionally abusive towards her, and he passed away when I was 4. I remember feeling uncomfortable around him and even somewhat fearful, even at that young of an age, and even though noone had ever told me those things and she had never been anything but encouraging of our relationship. He had also changed quite a bit in his last few years due to a terminal illness and was trying to make ammends. I must have, nevertheless, sensed my moms deep hurt towards him.

Good luck!

Good luck.
Married 09/28/2002
DS born 07/05/2003
DD born 3/24/2005

Last edited by siren1024; 12-01-2004 at 08:18 PM.

Old 12-01-2004, 08:28 PM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,238
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

I agree about children feeling something in you. If your child does not want to go then I would not force him. Children are very intuative, I would listen to your son. That's just my opinion. Give him time to adjust, zebra's usually don't change there colors much. She may do what she did to you. Maybe not but why risk it for the sake of your child. Good luck

Old 12-01-2004, 10:42 PM   #4
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 97
dentalnitemare HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

I would not make him go either.If your child is already saying he doesn't want to stay there,there is just no way I could leave him there knowing he isn't happy being there.

Old 12-02-2004, 07:31 AM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2004
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haleysmum HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

Hi, I agree with everyone else! If your son is saying he doesnt want to go there, then there is a reason for it. If one of my kids was saying they didnt want to go then warning bells would go off in my head.

Old 12-08-2004, 07:21 AM   #6
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 386
Dream0n83 HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

Again, agreed, I know I use to have the same feelings towards my mom's dad. I dont know why? he was never abusive to her or anything, but i think since i knew he was a strict guy, i just didnt care for him much, and he died when i was like 8 so i dont remember much of him.
I also know that my fiances brother in law can be very verbal to their 3yr old son and i've already told myself that when we have kids his sister is great,but his brother in law will not be watching them or having much time when im not around w/them. I see the attitude it has put on their 3yr old and I dont want my future kids to be that way... good luck!

Old 12-15-2004, 07:18 AM   #7
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 497
rubato HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

I agree, but was wondering. Does your son do things without you, like preschool, playdates, overnights with friends? If so, is he reluctant to do these things at first? If not, he may just not be used to being without you. Or, it could be something more serious. The key is your sons safety and happiness. But, if he just has his clingy moments whenever you leave him, it may be worth a try. Good luck.

Last edited by rubato; 12-15-2004 at 07:19 AM.

Old 12-15-2004, 09:11 AM   #8
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 496
Mica09 HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

Maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that your child is afraid of your parents. I had a very happy childhood but I never liked sleeping elsewhere. Oh, I had sleepovers at my friends but I prefered it when they slept at my place. I'm still like that as an adult. I loved my grandmother very very much, she was one of the nicest women in the world but I didn't like it when my parents left me there for the weekend I felt soooo bored and lonely. I prefered it when she left me at my aunt's house because I had cousins there. Maybe that is one of the reason why your child doesn't want to go.

Old 12-15-2004, 11:40 AM   #9
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 6
sland HB User
Re: My 4-year-old and MY Parents

Hi, I also agree. Children pick up on everything (I speak from experience!). Also have you thought that maybe something has happened at your parents that makes him not want to go. I would not force him. Maybe he can develop a better relationship with them slowly, like you, your parents and your son all go to the park. But I would really, really be cautious and try to find out if something happened to your son at your parents. Your son is your number 1 priority and he is too young to stick up for himself right now.

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