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what can I do now?

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Old 12-14-2004, 10:19 AM   #1
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what can I do now?

So, my son was "expelled" from school for taking a prescription drug at school. It wasn't his and was given to him by another student.

He was remanded to a "alternative school" in order to complete the school year and will be able to return to public school next year.

His father lives out of state, however, came down and attended all the "meetings" with us.

We met with the "new" school yesterday, went over all the rules, etc. Today was my 14 year olds first day. He made it 10 minutes before being suspended for 4 days.

It was explained to him yesterday regarding the code of conduct, regarding, clothes, behavior, etc. It was explained to him in detail, NO EARRINGS. I had him take them out them morning, of course, he hid them and wore them to school anyway. The principal saw him, gave him the opportunity to take them out, he did, then when he went back to class, put them back in. The prinicpal saw him again, and then suspended him for 3 days.

I am sick. In talking to my son, his explanation is always "Well, so and so did it" ........"Other kids in that school were wearing earrings"'s always someone elses fault, someone else didn't get in trouble, etc.

I honestly, do not know where to go from here. He is now out of school until after christmas break, Jan 3rd. He has automatically failed the first semester due to attendance. However, you can not tell him this because "he knows of a friend that missed to many days and passed anyway" .......of course he does. Just as he knew a kid "that took a precription pill in school and only got suspended for 3 days" .........

I honestly do not know what else to do. When I say "Fine, other kids were wearing earrings but the principle specifically told YOU to take them out, why would you put them back in" ..........His only response is "I don't know" ....or what were you thinking "I don't know" ........

He thinks he knows everything, can not be told anything and even now, no matter what he says, I honestly believe he thinks this is no big deal.

I have already taken everything away from him. Cleaned out his whole room where he has nothing but clothes and his bed .........not even a picture on his wall. Changed my home phone number so his friends couldn't call, took away my call waiting, so I'd know if he was on the phone while I'm at work (due to the phone would be busy and I'd know), he can't go anywhere, he can't do anything ..........What else can I do?

At this point, should I send him to his father? He just got "expelled" from his previous school last Tuesday. Today was the first day at the alternative school and he didn't even last 10 minutes.

I don't want to send him to his father's, as I think his father will not give him back. What else can I do?

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Old 12-14-2004, 10:33 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: what can I do now?

Oh...honey, I know this is tough and I have found that you need to discipline constructively not destructively. Perhaps coming up with a project that he can do at home such as reading a self-help book that the two of you pick out together and him doing a report on it during his "suspended" time from school . Try to spend more time with on one time. Bring him down to a shelter for men who are rehabilitating from use of drugs and/or alcohol and have him volunteer some of his free time there. He sounds like a good kid who hooked up with the wrong crowd and is looking for attention. Perhaps even look into a Big brother program where someone could act like a father figure in his life being that his dad lives so far away. Would you ex consider moving closer for a while to share in your son's success??? Sounds like this is the time if ever thatthe two of you could use his father' he up to that job and how is their relationship?? Perhaps it's time to put any ill feelings aside for the sake of your son. both must care if the both of you attended the meeting together.

Perhaps even seek a counselor for your son to talk to. Sounds like he needs to work on his self esteem...and find out why he is choosing detructive things in his life.

I hope this helps and that you remembe that you arenot alone. things were pretty bad in my house...but with love and committment you will gather the tools in order to see your son through this. Don't give up on him..he's doing enough of that himself....Goody

Old 12-14-2004, 10:39 AM   #3
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Re: what can I do now?

No his father would not move closer. He owns a business up there, is remarried and has 3 additional children.

The relationship between father / son is not a close one. His father calls about twice per year. I forced his father into this situation, because I felt like he needed a "male" influence during this time.

However, that might have turned out to be a HUGE mistake. He now thinks Tyler should come live with him, attend a christian private school and be under constant supervision.

I have this fear that if I send my son up there, I will not be getting him back. However, the "non selfish" part of me, thinks I should be doing what's best for my son and if that's what's best, so be it.

My son has made it perfectly clear he does NOT want to live with his father, however, he is not making any changes in his behavior and seems to be getting worse.

I should mention that I have never had any problems with my son until this year.

And I do not think this is the fault of his friends, as he is the only one getting in trouble.

Old 12-14-2004, 11:47 AM   #4
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: what can I do now?

Tough you think that perhaps this is the time that perhaps your son may need his father to step up to the plate & becoming more involved??? If his dad is genuinely concerned about how things are going perhaps the change may do everyone well. Think about it...your son wouldn't want to admit wanting to go to his father in the fear of hurting your feelings. Perhaps you can sit down with your son and talk about you love him dearly and want the best for him. And that a change of scenery might be good. Assure him that you are not giving up on him and forcing him to go but perhaps it may be a good thing. He will definitely have distractions with his dad with stepsiblings and all which may be beneficial for him at this time. Perhaps you can make it a trial basis of starting the New Year off on a clean slate and reevaluating things at the end of the school year. What do you think???....Goody

Old 12-14-2004, 01:17 PM   #5
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Re: what can I do now?

If his father cannot be a constant in his life, or would not be contructive than you should look into some kind of mentoring programe (big brothers, that kind of thing), they can match him up with a male role model who has the same sort of interests in him and be a positive role model in his life.
I think what really needs to be emphasized is that he is responsible for his actions and nobody else. It doesn't matter if every one of his friends is doing something wrong, when he chooses to do it than it is totally his fault, he has at all times the ability to say no and walk away. If he was good up untill this year i would take a hard look at anything that could have possibly happened in order to cause such a change. It very well could be the absence of his father, does he have any other positive male role models?
Talk to him and talk some more, treat him like an adult in the sence that you talk with him not at him. Talk to him about how his behaviour now is putting his future in jeopardy, if he doesn't get a good education doing what he wants in life will be very hard, a good high school education is the foundation for everything else.
Therapy may help also, he may not feel comfortable talking to you, a good therapist may be able to help figure out what is going on with him.
Just remember don't give may need some help but you can get him back on track.
I don't know if sending him away is the answer, he may feel abandoned by you, like you gave up on him and shipped him away...but it could also make him realize how drastic the situation is and smarten up, it's a tough call.

Old 12-15-2004, 12:01 PM   #6
Join Date: Dec 2004
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sland HB User
Re: what can I do now?

I think fathers play an important role in children's lives. However, I also think that sending him away might not be the right idea. Children need to know that you will be there no matter what- but that certain behavior is unacceptable. (easier said than done). If you send him too his dads there is a very good chance you will not get him back. My advice, get him a full physical. Find out if there are any imbalances. Second, take him to a counselor, therapist, etc. If money is an issue check through healthy families or the mental health department in your area. Make sure the therapist is used to working with troubled teens and families. You need just as much support to make it through this time. I liked the idea of a big brother. Someone who will give him that male influence. Also, make sure you know where he is all of the time and who he hangs out with. Keep telling him you love him, although he won't want to hear it. I also think that he should definetly do some work while he is suspended and no friends, no going out, etc. Definetly grounded. Also, think about getting him involved in something where he can meet better friends. Church group? He will hate it at first, but... Also, karate, etc. is good for discipline and can raise self esteem.

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