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Just need some encouragement

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Old 12-16-2004, 10:03 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 88
littlegal HB User
Unhappy Just need some encouragement

Hello everyone,
My fiance has a young daughter who lives with her mother. She visits her daddy 2 weekends out of the month. We have a great time when she visits and she cries when we have to take her back. She acts like she really likes me (soon to be stepmom) and I know she really does. She gives me hugs and kisses and we share a lot of time together. Whenever she is around her mother though or we call her at her mom's house - it's a different story. She doesn't like to talk to me or give me hugs, etc. I understand she doesn't want to threaten her own bio mom or upset her by talking to me the new "stepmom", but I can't convince myself of that. She said her mom talks bad about me and her father infront of her. Why she would do this infront of her child is beyond me but I hope she doesn't convince the child to hate me. I know she feels that I am taking her place but she is remarried - shouldn't she be over this by now? I get really depressed and think the worst and end up thinking that the child is ignoring me because she doesn't like me. I know it's hard for the child to switch back and forth from parent to parent. I really need some advice to help calm my mind!!!

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Old 12-17-2004, 03:23 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 559
MandyAnne26 HB User
Re: Just need some encouragement

She is probably just feeling torn. On one hand she really likes you on the other she's got her mother saying bad things about you. She's confused, she doesn't know which side to take, she is also playing it safe, she probably thinks she will either upset or anger her mother if she shows affection towards you.
You can try explaining to her that it's ok that she's confused, and that liking you isn't being disrespectful to her mother. Explain that it's ok that her mommy doesn't like you because it's still ok for her to like you.

Old 12-17-2004, 03:31 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
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Kiera1595 HB User
Re: Just need some encouragement

I would try to have a little talk with the mom. Just ask (or have your fiance ask) for her not to speak badly about you to her daughter. She can feel however she wants on her own, but if she could not spread her feelings onto her impressionable 2 year old that would be great. Unfortunately, if she really does not like you, than she's probably not going to stop. As her daughter grows older she will be able to form her own opinions about you and will understand that mommy doesn't like you, but she really does. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

Old 12-17-2004, 06:18 AM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 88
littlegal HB User
Re: Just need some encouragement

Thanks for the encouragement. I know we both had a talk to her about this, but she just continues to act this way. Talking to the mother will be like talking to the wall. She does not make it any easier - it's kinda like she's laughing under her breath. It's really sad that she acts so foolish about this and not taking the mother role of being responsible for her actions when the girl is around. I just hope one day things can go smooth. Thanks again!

Old 01-14-2005, 07:19 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 12
Afishpoke HB User
Re: Just need some encouragement

Please don't hate me for this, but I've been a step-mom of 5 for 16 years! My husband and I agree that this was the BIGGEST mistake of our lives - tho we love eachother very much! I bit my tounge for years when I'd hear, "Why does my Mommy hate you?" It went on from there and has become TRAGIC! And this is even after her/her husband, my husband/me actually got along! She ALWAYS found ways to bad-mouth their dad (& he was an overly-involved Dad) and now that they're grown (22, 22, 20, 18, 16 & pregnant!!!!) they realize all the rotten things their mom did, but are forever loyal to her! I'm EXTREMELY hesitant to say all of this to you, but if I knew then what I know now, we'd have NOT gotten married. Not until the kids were all grown. Again, I'm sorry you have to hear this, but this is how it is more often than not. Especially if bio mom's bashing her already! BUT one way that could work is if you went for full custody. We wanted the kids to live with us - and they did for a while - (Mom kicked them out numerous times - just dropped them off at the house.) We did go for custody, but by the time the hearing came, she was "over it" and wanted them back. We now say we should've just done it! It would've been the best thing for the kids.

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