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Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

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Old 01-14-2005, 08:24 AM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 89
teko2000 HB User
Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

I hope someone can shed some light on what I should do.

My husband recently got out of the Army. We moved every 3-5 yrs he went to Iraq and decided to get out. we settled down in a very place. Upper class that is. we thought it would be a great place for our daughter to grow up. She's 12. We just moved here. She had always been use to moving and making new friends. military kids are pretty good at that because we move so much.

she hates her new school. the kids are rich and snobby she says. no one talks to her and she feels different. she gets upset stomach problems and is so depressed. I hate it for her! I've talked to the school and they are willing to do whatever they can to help her. We live in a house like the others so its not an issue that we live differently than the other people. she looks like a normal 12 year old. she has already missed so much school. its not the school she dislikes its the kids.
Now its to the point she's getting anxiety because she's missed so much school. Do i just make her go? Get counseling?
Her grades havinent suffered beleive it or not, she's maintained a and b averages.

Its so mentally stressful on me as well. We looked into some private schools but they dont offer as much as the public school does. she wants to be home schooled but im affraid this would just give into her anxiety.


Last edited by teko2000; 01-14-2005 at 08:25 AM.

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Old 01-14-2005, 09:10 AM   #2
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astw22 HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

This situation sounds almost exactly what my sister went through. My mother met and married a man who changed jobs alot.. I was already out of the house so it wasnt an issue for me... my sister changed schools several times until they settled into a well to do neighbourhood.. She started attending school and became very anxious and depressed... similar complaints about the kids being snobby and rich... My sister continued in that school despite her complaints and eventually graduated high school from that school.. she didnt attend any functions nor her senior prom. Because making friends at school was very difficult she spent hours on the computer talking to her old friends and eating.. needless to say due to the eating and depression she gained alot of weight to the point where it is unhealthy....however.. my sister also continued to get good grades... I dont think my parents saw it as much of an issue bc she was able to make several good friends at her part time job.... but never the less... she felt different from the kids at school, never really made friends and overall didnt have a good high school experience..

Bottom line is that your daughter needs to get an education... and as a parent its your job to ensure that she does..I think it is wonderful you are so concerned for your daughter and have checked out other options such a private school.. but it sounds like it is time though she gets settled into school whether she likes it or we all know kids need routine and structure ... and now that you are finally settled it doesnt make sense that she move to a different school yet again... after all... even adults sometimes have to do do things we dont like.. (get up for work every morning) should encourage her to get involved in extra curricular activities that she enjoys.. its possible that she may find friends who have similar interests.. Also outside of school .. get her involved in activities where she can also make friends... Im sure your daughter is a wonderful and sociable person.. she just needs to find children that share similar interests as her..

as for counseling... if she is experiencing alot of anxiety and you are seeing signs of depression then by all means you should seek out help for her... a professional may be able to help your daughter find ways of coping with her anxiety at school... You dont' want it to get to the point where she stops putting effort into school work or even stops attending altogether... Depression is serious and can sometimes lead to serious consequences if left untreated... Just continue to be there for your daughter and keep active in her life.. Best Wishes to you and your family

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Old 01-14-2005, 09:23 AM   #3
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WildSigns HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

I would try to get her to take other classes out of school like dance, karate, art to make freinds there, it is worth a try.
Even thou I am 29 years old I recently moved to a "richer" area expesially from where I grew up and I am having a hard time finding people I get along with also, most people around here grew up in money and I find I have a hard time relating to them.
hope this helps

Old 01-14-2005, 07:29 PM   #4
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Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
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Ksavage HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

Would it be possible for you to meet a few families that have kids that ar ein the same grade as your daughter? Maybe that might help her situation. I really feel for her. I was transfered to a different school district when I was in the 7th grade. And it was a wealthier district than I had been in. Even the teachers were snobby. It was very hard to find anyone that even wanted to be friends with a stranger. They had their own little "clicks" and nobody new was welcome.

I do not want to scare you, but you might want to keep an extra eye on her. I do not know your daughter and do not want to hurt your feelings by saying this, but it is very important. It could be very easy for your daughter to fall into the wrong group. It almost seems that the bad kids always seem to sneak their way into the lives of a lonley one. It happens so fast, she may not even realize it. If someone shows an interest in being her friend, she might be glad to have a friend and just not realize that they could be big trouble. It is just a scary situation.

With her changing schools like she has had to, I am sure she is pretty smart when it comes to picking new fiends, but just be cautious.

You did not say how long you have been in you knew area. opefully things will get better and she finds some activities that she enjoys, and she will start to meet people.

Good luck and keep us posted on how she does.

Sending hugs her way!

......and that's all I have to say about that.......

Old 01-14-2005, 08:02 PM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 89
teko2000 HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

Hi Guys,
Thank you all for your input! I really appreciate everyones comments. We have been here two and 1/2 months. I havent met many people here either. She will start jazz tap and ballet next week. I hope she will meet people. I am also church hunting, trying to find one that has a good youth group.

I cant pick her friends or make people be her friends, in time I know she will find some but I do appreciate the reminder to keep an eye out on who she hangs out with. I always do but I remember moving and getting with the wrong crowd because they are usually accepting of anyone who feels different from the norm. Then again she has a brother who's a senior and very savy in teen personalities and who is who. I would of thought he would of had the problem moving his senior year, but so far he's made friends and already had two dates!!!!!!!! I would of never thought he would of liked moving and meeting people his senior year.

Thanks again guys, I love having support from people who care enough to read posts and support eachother. I hope in the future I will be able to give my support to all of you!

Old 01-15-2005, 11:15 AM   #6
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 496
Mica09 HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

I'm trying to think what I would do if my 12 year old son would be experiencing the same thing. You mentioned that your daughter never experienced problems before. That she adapted and made friends easily in the past. Your the one who knows your daughter best (ex: is she a manipulator) If not, that means that what she's feeling right now is to be taken very seriously. She doesn't feel like she belongs. Personally I WOULN'T want to force myself to stay were I feel I don't belong. Now what if it were my son? I think I would try to make a deal. I would ask him if he could try to finish the year to see if things got better and if not, I think I would change him school (lower class school if I needed to) and I would even consider moving neighborhoods if that was necessary. I would never push my child to do something that he dislikes so much that it's making him sick.

Counselling is not a bad idea either if it will help you make the right decision for your daughter and family. Good luck!!!

Old 01-15-2005, 08:24 PM   #7
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Jacksonville, AL USA
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siren1024 HB User
Re: Help 12yr old doesnt want to go to school

I'm not far removed from that age. 12 and 13 were the worst years of my life. I had a terrible time with a group of girls, believe it or not, at church, and a group of guys at school. I dreaded going to school every day and completely withdrew and became depressed. I'm normally a very social person, and my Mom noticed something was wrong. I didn't want to tell her about the group of church girls. They were super nice to the adults and had everyone fooled, including their parents. My mom thought they were all so nice.

You are right about military kids being great about that kind of thing. (I was raised in a military community and am a military wife myself) and she must've had quite a culture shock.

That is such a vulnerable age too, especially for girls. Everyone is trying to figure out where they fit in and they have a tendency to be SO cliquish. Luckily in my case, I happened to make some new friends (military kids who had just moved there) and everyone grew up and chilled out over the next few years.

I would have never wanted to change schools or churches because I did have a few friends there and grew up there. But if your daughter has noone and no love lost, I think I'd have to look into putting her somewhere where she'd be happy. Maybe let her finish out the school year and see if things improved and if not seek other options??

Whoever posted about falling in with the wrong crowd is right. Alot of the "wrong kind of people" are very accepting of others who are social outcasts for whatever the reason, and I know in my case, any acceptance whatsoever was everything. I did hang out with the wrong people for a year or so before I found nice new friends. Their influence can be really bad because the kid is willing to do anything to have acceptance and friends.

Best of luck to you and keep us updated!
Married 09/28/2002
DS born 07/05/2003
DD born 3/24/2005

Last edited by siren1024; 01-15-2005 at 08:25 PM.

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