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Will daughter ever learn?

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Old 03-13-2005, 03:02 PM   #1
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Will daughter ever learn?


A couple of` months ago our 15 year old daughter was assigned an essay as a punishment for mouthing off at her mum. It took her ages to finish and the threat of an essay seemed to be a really good deterrent against any further answering back

Anyway, on Friday night our daughter arrives home 40 minutes late from a dance. To make matters worse she had switched her phone off so we couldn't contact her. She then starts arguing with my wife whilst she is being lectured. My wife was furious and assigned her an essay on 'punctuality' to write over the weekend. As a result dd spends most of her weekend hunched over a thick pad of writing paper grinding out a lengthy essay. My wife's still cross and has threatened to make the next essay even longer.


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Old 03-13-2005, 03:30 PM   #2
Summer Girl
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?

Though giving punishment for rude behavior is fine, I think this type of punishment is not appropriate. When does she have time to do her other school work or studying for tests if your wife makes her write lengthy essays on her behavior? Save the essay assignments for the school to hand out..

There are other things you can do to to get the message across to her.

You and your wife sit down and talk to her about what she did wrong and what she needs to do to rectify it. Make her explain to you and your wife what makes her behavior not acceptable AFTER she thinks about it in her room alone. No talking on the phone, no visiting friends. No TV. No computer.

Last edited by Summer Girl; 03-13-2005 at 03:53 PM.

Old 03-13-2005, 04:19 PM   #3
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?

Originally Posted by Summer Girl
Though giving punishment for rude behavior is fine, I think this type of punishment is not appropriate. When does she have time to do her other school work or studying for tests if your wife makes her write lengthy essays on her behavior? Save the essay assignments for the school to hand out..


I would agree with Summer on this.

I would keep the essay assignments for the school to hand out.

Old 03-13-2005, 04:43 PM   #4
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?


Thanks for the quick feedback.

My wife ensured that our dd had a pretty clear weekend homework wise before assigning the essay. We have tried other punishments but this has proved to be the most effective. Hopefully our daughter has now learnt her lesson. My wife knows a couple of teachers who assign essays and sentences as punishment so is well versed with using essays for misbehavior. I must admit that 'lengthy' is certainly the right word to describe the essays she has asiigned!


Old 03-13-2005, 05:21 PM   #5
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?

You kow what I see....nag, nag, nag...I was a teenager who did not like authority either. You may be giving her essay's and she will do them but do you really think she cares? Nope. Once you "label" your child as bad or anything else your child WILL ignore any punishment. It's her mind you have to get to. My mother could punish me whatever why she wanted, essay's, no phone, no tv, spanking....whatever nothing ever worked. I think what would have worked for me was me overhearing her tell her friends nice things about me....maybe how well behaved I was...even if I wasn' at least gave me room to TRY. I felt now that I was labeled I could not go back....It was all about being stubborn. I still do not care for authority I guess it's just my nature but I do respond to to people who care and compliment and at least try to understand my ways. I wasn't a bad teenager at all but I did feel smothered like I wasn't allowed to be my own person. Maybe you are smothering you tell her more "no's" then you do "yes's"? She's 14, you may want to back of a hair. I know she needs her parents but she also needs to find who she is. Writing an essay would have been a joke to me...punishment to write?? Not even close. A good hearty talk about what type of person that my mother seen in me such as a great learner in school or I was good at speaking or something would have encouraged me to try to do better for her. Taking things away sucked but I got used to it and after the second or third item I didn't care. That only taught me not to get attached to something. Spanking taught me to hit and get angry and take it out on someone that way. If you talk to her she will learn how to voice her feelings and she will respect you for making her stronger, you can show her the potential she has. So that's my opinion. Think about it. I remember those days like it was yesturday. Good luck

Old 03-13-2005, 06:31 PM   #6
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Talking Re: Will daughter ever learn?

My son use to have to write sentences (he is 9) but now we started doing pushups and different exercises. Now he has all this muscle and actual enjoys exercises, even doing it on his own now that he sees results. Makes punishment easier now. I guess I am the only one who thought the essay was ingenious. However after the fact, a good, honest, CALM talking to should follow up. While mouthing off and punctuality is something a parent can easily notice, other problems like sex or drug use you may not know. You want a child to come to you but there does need to be boundaries and punishment.

First thing first though is a parent cannot fly off the handle. Second the child has to be aware of the rules and what the punishment will be, and enforce it. This may be an issue you can discuss with a child so they are a part of the rule making and punishment making process. It helps them feel they have some input and control. And of course once you do it that make sure you enforce those rules.

However I do not have a teenager, just know what it's like to be one.


Old 04-08-2005, 11:26 PM   #7
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?

I thought this one was funny because in the 6th grade I forged my mom's name on a referral I got in class. The teacher questioned it and called my mom. She came to the school and got the referral with her "written name" she'd never signed.

As punishment, I had to write her name 3 times on line in a 100 page spiral notebook. I had from October until December to get it completed. Boy did my hand hurt. My mom said to me if I wanted to be her and sign her name then I would need the practice. Needless to say after that incident. I never forged another document.

Old 04-09-2005, 05:27 PM   #8
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Re: Will daughter ever learn?

I also agree that making her write an "essay" on this that or the other thing is a huge waste. 1. she doesnt care, 2. she isnt paying attention, 3. it's better in her eyes then no phone, no friends no sleep overs, not going to the next dance shorter cerfew ect...

You know she is 15. And she was 40min late from a dance? How was she getting home? A friend or a friends parent? Do you really think if it was a parent giving her a ride home that it was intentional? I can see getting mad that her phone was off (whats with 15yr olds with cell phones anyway) But I'd make it more clear that if she intends on being late then to call and make you and your wife aware so you dont become concerned. Instead she walked it and got a lecture and an essay assignment.
My parents always told me growing up if i was ever in a bind, needed a ride, was somewhere I didnt feel comfortable being at that they would come get me no matter what time it was. And it made me feel good to know this.

Does she use the TV or computer a lot? tell her no this or no that for 2 days. or take her cell phone for a couple days (i know how attached i am to mine) no friends, no sleepovers, no going out for the weekend because of this. I think if you make her out to be such a "bad and dissobediant" girl she will continue to do these things. And if all you guys are doing is making her write an essay then she'll keep doing it.

What if she were to come home with alcohol on her breath? Is your wife going to say go write a paper on alcohol abuse or this or that? I'd hope not. I'd hope you two would sit her and and take firm action. All that essay does and keeps her away from her parents, and able to still do what she pleases.

Next time tell her no dance, or maybe you or your wife can pick her up to insure she WILL be home on time if it's for your likings.

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