It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board

  • 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-20-2005, 06:08 PM   #31
    ForgottenFaith
    Veteran
    (male)
     
    ForgottenFaith's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2002
    Location: LA,CA,USA
    Posts: 397
    ForgottenFaith HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seawolf
    Even though I'm a male, and new here, I think I actually have something to say. If you believe she has good judgement, don't do anything. But, I would not try to monitor her via the Internet. I would see how easy it is to get in to her good graces via a chatroom. Assume an alias, male, preferably, and start trying o get her to do stuff. Reason why I would not monitor her via the Internet or parental blocks- my kid is 12, and can actually force me off the computer. He knows how to go past blocks, and create ways of getting me off by viruses and such. Oddly, I discovered he has a good taste in porn. He wipes the Internet history, and he also has found ways of not getting spyware and viruses via the porn- I'm tempted to ask him how.
    There are spy programs that you can get that run on stealth mode and it monitors everything that the user as doing. These spy programs have functions to take screenshots and record key srokes and compiling it into a typing log. It sends all the information directly to your e-mail address so he'll never know. Run a search --- there are a few programs like this floating around.

    Last edited by ForgottenFaith; 03-20-2005 at 06:09 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-20-2005, 08:13 PM   #32
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Nol- You cant decide whether or not she knows better. Not if her parents havent sat her down and told her "look, this is a mom and dad drink, not something for you." I didnt know what vodka or rum or anything was when i was 14. I wouldnt have known it wasnt something for me until my parents actually told me "dont touch this stuff"

    Which can lead kids to want to try it and touch it. You know it's an omen when you tell somebody not to touch something they will touch it. it could be along the same lines. Maybe they made such a hype about it that she wanted to try? I dont remember or not if she said she got drunk in her journal? But what if all she did have was one "drink" not a full glass? And decide "ick i dont like this" (which how many kids like that stuff anyway?)

    I truely think if her daughter finds out she read her journal her daughter will have a hard time opening up to her in the future and as prior posters have mentioned they havent talked to their mom since she read their journals. It's a violation.

    I have the closest bond w/my mom now since she has trusted me! And in return I find myself telling her things I dont even tell my closest friends. If she hasnt told her daughter she found it. she should put it back and act like she never found it and maybe find a different way to confront her daughter.

    Like say "I noticed some of my liquor from this bottle was missing, did you try it?" and see if she fesses up. Wait till you catch her in the act. Go out one night while she is babysitting and return home an hour or so early just to try and catch her. That way you can catch her in the wrong not read about it then get ticked.

    I think having your daughter trust you more would be a bigger benefit then her thinking you dont trust her...

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 06:20 AM   #33
    DawnP
    Member
    (female)
     
    DawnP's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2002
    Location: Connecticut
    Posts: 79
    DawnP HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Thank you everyone. We are still contemplating what to do. I told my husband that we won't be addressing this until we come to an agreement on what should be done.

    We moved to a new home in our same town this past week so my Computer was not accessible.

    I agree, reading her diary WAS a violation. I have never done this before. She has a room full of notes from her friends etc etc which I NEVER touch. The diary was in our family computer desk drawer - right on the top. It was too tempting and truly, I didn't expect to find what I did. I don't want to lose her trust.

    Yes, things for teens are very different now. The whole meaning of sex is different. What really concerns me is that she did these things with these boys that she isn't even dating. She told me the other day that the boy she did the heavy(very) petting with was a jerk. This must mean he is treating her badly now after the incident. Also, I feel she is making a reputation for herself. Does she not think that these boys will brag about this? I care so much that she not disrespect herself as these feelings could remain for life. If this would not harm her emotionally or physically, I would not be so upset.

    As far as the Church goes, I think she really likes it. I am sure she is struggling with all her choices now. I have tried not to put pressure on her about that.

    As far as alcohol goes, I grew up in a home with lots of it. I wasn't interested in it at all. I didn't have a drink until I was almost 18. I guess that's just my personality. Perhaps I expected her to be the same.

    I agree that it's a good idea to let her learn from her mistakes but I can't put her right back into harm's way. I know that she will have less freedom. I just can't see sending her off to camp for 3 weeks where she will be largely unsupervised and she would be rooming with one of her "kissing" buddies. I am not willing to let her just go wild. I am just not sure where to draw the line.

    This "making out with" the girls situation appears, from her diary, to be more than once. This concerns me.

    I will keep checking back. I am paying attention and considering what everyone has said.

    Dawn

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 08:31 AM   #34
    menmyboys
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    menmyboys's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 38
    menmyboys HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I'm not a parent, But I was 14, only 4 years ago. And honestly you sound ALOT like my mom.

    I'm trying to think how to word this so I don't come across wrong, hummm...

    I'll tell you some about my childhood. I had no privacy, my mom would openly read my diary, even with a lock on it, and say "you'd make a good writer." Today, me and her still don't get along. I've lived with her 6 months of the last 4 years. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me wonderfully, but to her I shouldn't even have a boyfriend, let alone the fact that he is 5 years older than myself. But her and my dad are 4 years apart in age. She is very judgemental, and says that I can talk to her about anything, but in reality it will as always turn into a lecture and whatever I tell her will come back on me. In the 6 months I lived with her, I told her about a friend of mine, who was making some bad choices in life, and sure enough, when I went to go see a movie with this friend, it came back to haunt me. she ultimatly kicked me out because I was hanging out with this girl. I can't talk to her, I can't trust her, and she has no idea why.

    14 is a very confusing age [I think 12-14 is the worse ages, really awkward]. I put on a "happy face" in front of many people, even the ones I loved and cared about. Reading her diary and telling her about and punishing her [not allowing her to hang out with theses "kissing buddy's", sending her to a private school, etc] doesn't resolve the fact that she is unhappy. How many girls can honestly say, they didn't want a mother in there lives, and to talk to and have a relationship with.

    I didn't drink [or mix drinks], or make out with guys, or girls. In fact I didn't do anything. I spent my time up in a tree, in my backyard. It was the only place I could escape from reality.

    Personally, being 14 in recent times [hehe], it wont help punishing her for kissing a girl, yes it is wrong. Doing some of what she's done with guys from her diary are wrong. But, it happens every day at school, on TV, in the real world out there. Its a harsh world, and as much as you want to protect her, you *HAVE* to give her *SOME* freedom, you *HAVE* to let her learn for herself. More than likely she is just "Experimenting" with kissing girls.

    You read, that she is having boys/friends over while "babysitting" her brothers. Well, maybe enforcing no friends over, come home earlier than expected, and catch her. Then you have an excuse. I mean, its evil to set her up, but! As for mixing drinks, either get rid of the liquor, or lock it up.

    Maybe going the route of family therapy would be a good thing. An intermediate person. I wouldn't though punish her for some of the behavior in the diary. It will only cause more problems. I think family therapy would be a good idea, vs having a big blow up at home and more problems. Tell her you love her or go do something just you and her, try to open up opportunities to talk to her at the least! And when she does, don't bash her. More than likely if she left it in a place where you could find it, instead of hidden in her room, says she wants to talk to you but is scared, or feels like she can't.

    Just my opinion take it or leave it!

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 11:37 PM   #35
    Seawolf
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Seawolf's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 4
    Seawolf HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Well, not to pry, but ethnicity is likely to be at stake here. I mean, I'm oddly a German/Mexican/American, so life was "odd" for me at 14. I had the intelligence of a German, strength of an American, and some odd Mexican tidbits. I mean, no offense, but a Mexican kid is probably more likely to drink at a young age then a Mormon kid. But, the Mormon are a bit odd. No offense to anyone.

     
    Old 03-21-2005, 11:45 PM   #36
    Seawolf
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Seawolf's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 4
    Seawolf HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Oh, I forgot to mention, I have a VERY close tie with my nephew, he's 11 and a half, and brilliant. He's been saying that this girl has possibly been making passes at him. He's top 3 in the class in academics, but otherwise doesn't look good, and doesn't have too many friends. Anyway, he asked me for advice. I have no idea. Some help?
    He also said his opinion of your case here. He says the journal may possibly be a fake, to get you mad. Says it is something he has thought about doing, but never has. Ohh, and the girl is the best looking one in the class, he sits pretty close to her in almost every class. ANy help here? I don't know what to tell him.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 08:54 AM   #37
    GirlHarley
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    GirlHarley's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 1,580
    GirlHarley HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Dawn, I would not feel guilty for reading her diary and I wouldn’t feel guilty for snooping either…BUT…that is me – my son KNOWS I snoop, so I’m sure there are things he hides very well from me, but….I also do have a great, solid relationship with him because I do talk to him all the time about life – school, friends, sports, drugs, alcohol and sex..…He doesn’t hate me or resent me for snooping…

    Please don’t get me wrong, we do have teenager/mom arguments, I am not a perfect mom nor do I try to be, but I question my son on the goings on in his life, we have some heart to heart talks – I was very surprised when he told me he has had some beers at parties and that he smoked pot, I didn’t flip out, but I was disappointed and told him I was “bummed” out because I really was hoping he would stay away. It was a “conversation” and I truly believe in my heart because I didn’t flip out but allowed him to tell me and I showed my surprised look – we talked in depth about it and I learned more about the going on in his life, his friends, and his school. I used the phrase to him that at 16 ½ he “wasn’t ready” for drinking & drugs – it surprised him and since then he has been more honest with me….We can tell our children to NOT do drugs, Don’t drink, and refrain from having sex – we can yell and scream – but I think it’s also important to talk to them, let them know WHY you don’t want them doing it, not because it’s illegal and they are young – but the long term dangers of taking drugs, alcohol poisoning, getting STD having sex – and as you mentioned about your daughter, your concerned about her reputation….THAT is a KEY…Her reputation that maybe at this age she doesn’t think it will effect her but in years later – IT WILL…

    As for the three week camp thing, you can cancel it without too much explaining it to your daughter…Tell her you decided you want to spend that time with her, you can’t afford it, or that three weeks is too long….FOR YOU to be away from her….
    I couldn’t send my son away for that long period of time – as much as he could drive me crazy – three weeks is a long time away…I refused to send my son to Football camp last year at the age of 15 because of all the negative publicity regarding hazing….But I allowed him to join a gym instead….I may send him this year since he will be almost 17 at football camp but I’m still undecided because of the peer pressure of hazing at these football camps…I don’t want my son to be a participate in these kind of things and I don’t want HIM to become a victim either….

    BTW, I have a 15 yr old step daughter – I talk to her about Everything too and explain to her about reputations, sex and everything else – She has told my son that she loves me so much and loves to talk to me - because I’m very honest and get right to the point…

    Hope this helps in your situation, don’t feel guilty over your decision of reading her journal, nor about your expectations – these kids need Parental Guidance but its how you go about it that really really matters….

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 04:00 PM   #38
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Girlharly-

    It's nice that you are open w/your kids about everything and they aware that you snoop. Maybe this is something Dawn could do with her daughter. Let her know she's going to be snoopy, this way she doesnt leave things like this around.

    Parents are going to have to face it that kids become exposed to these things at younger ages now, and snooping and reading diaries isnt going to prevent it unless you put your kids on lock down. I didnt have my first drink till I was almost 17 as well. I told my parents about it like your son told you. Sure they were disappointed but they didnt ban me from my friends that I went with or anything.

    I know if my mom betrayed my trust I'd probably feel pretty hurt. And im thankful I had a trust worthy mom who is now one of the closest people i share everythingwith.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 05:45 PM   #39
    besafe20
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    besafe20's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2003
    Posts: 1,339
    besafe20 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Reading your post brought back memories. My mom was a snoop and would find my diary and read it. She would always find something she read to upset her and then she would tell me what she read. It only lead me to the decision not to keep a diary. I don't blame you for reading her diary. It is so scary to have teenage girs and I would want to know what she was up to. Don't tell her you found her diary. Pretend you have no clue and keep close tabs on her. This way you can continue to read her diary and moniter her activities without her discontinuing a diary or hiding it in a new spot. I know some of you will give me heat for saying this but this is coming from a 22 year old who went through this with my mom not too many years ago. Reading her diary isn't wrong because you are her mother and she is a minor who you are still very responsible for. And here are a few suggestion
    1. Having alcohol in your house is asking for trouble. Of course she is going to try it because that is natural curiosity.
    2. I don't understand why parents expect their kids not to drink when they see their parents do it. Yeah you can say your not old enough.. But that means little to a teenager who thinks "well it can't be that bad if mom and dad do it."
    3. Some times even the best efforts nade by parents won't work. Kids have a mind of their own. As long as you put forth your best efforts as a parent you can't blame yourself.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 09:08 PM   #40
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I totally agree besafe. Except for the part of being okay to read it. Parents can still be "responsible" without reading things like this. Putting the alcohol away should be something most parents already do.

    And like you said kids seeing their parents do it only gives them the curiosity to try it.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 10:51 PM   #41
    lovemygrandma
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 115
    lovemygrandma HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    DawnP
    I think that you have every right to be concerned I know I would. I cant tell you how you should handle this, however, I will tell you how I deal with my children. I have 6 kids 3 of my own and 3 stepchildren. There ages range from 18 to 4. We have 4 boys and 2 girls. I really think boys are easier to raise then girls, but that might just be my family. I taught my kids since they were big enough to talk that everything in our house is my business including them. I am responsible for them therefore I will look at anything I find. They except this. When I do find something disturbing I dont go crazy. We sit down and talk about what it is that they have done or said. There may or may not be groundation depending on the circumstance. Our 18yr a few of years ago (when he was 15) had sex with a girl and she called saying she was pregnant (after he broke up with her) I made her mom take her to the doctor with me present and you guessed it she wasn't. I didn't let him know right away. After all we had to plan on how he was going accept his actions for being a man. We made him get a job, he had to put the money in the bank for child support. We made him tell us everything he was going to do etc... We haven't had that problem since and he still has the same job LOL. He makes straight A's and graduates this year. I randomly drug test my kids with the tests you can buy at Rite-Aid. They are about $50.00 a test but they test for everything. My kids also accept this as I have told them I was going to do this since they were about 9 years of age. No positives as of yet. I dont keep any alcohol in the house because we simply dont drink. I have had 1000's of talks with my boys and my 12 year old girl about sex. I have explained everything from being used as a girl to being trapped as a boy. I have taught them about every std that is known to man. I am also realistic and know that they are going to be sexually active one day. I have told my boys to come to me if and when they think are ready to have sex and their dad will buy them condoms. I let them know I dont agree with them being sexually active but that they need to be safe. I tell them even if the girl says she is on the pill that without protection they can still get std's and she could still get pregnant if she doesn't take her pills right or lies to him about taking them. My daughter knows all the tricks that a boy can pull to get her to have sex with him and that she is the only one that can give anyone access to her body. I have let her know that if she ever feels that she cares enough about someone that she wants to have sex with him to come to me we will get on the pill (actually the shot) and that she also needs to make sure the boy uses a condom. One of our 14yr boys I believe is gay. He told one of our friends daughters that he was. We have not confronted him about this. Regardless if he is experimenting or if he will be gay for the rest of his life that is not what we want for him at the same time we want him to make the decision.We will still love him. The love for a child should be unconditional. We are afraid to confront him. If he is gay and feels pressured he might date a girl and live a lie for many years and end up hurting her and or their kids. If we tell him we will still love him then he might not be able to make up his mind whether he is gay or not. We have chosen to stay silent and wait for him to come to us. My 12yr daughter she is in therapy. She has anxiety which runs in our family lol (She got it from me) She is beautiful and I'm not saying that because she is my daughter she really is. In her mind she thought she was dumb and not pretty. We have always told her she was smart and beautiful so I dont know where she got that. Since being in therapy she is a different child. I agree with you if you think you daughter needs therapy then get it. GO with your gut instinct. I think the most important thing a parent can do is have open communication. If a child can talk to you about almost anything then you can help protect them. Me I would tell my daughter I saw her diary even if it meant lying and saying I was looking for a sheet of paper and ran across it. I would sit down and talk to her about every issue. I would stay calm and not yell or get the least bit upset. I would let her tell you why she has done the things she has done and ask her how she feels about the things she has done. I would put her in therapy but I would explain that it's not because I think she horrible child but that it might be easier for her to tell a therapist what she is feeling. I would do this only if I saw a self esteem issue or depression etc.. I dont let my children babysit our 4yr old. In college several years ago I was taught that most children that are molested are molested by there siblings or another family member. Dont get me wrong my children have never given me any reason to think that but my motto is better safe then sorry. I hire a babysitter if we go anywhere or I take her with me. My parents never trusted me and I'm glad they didn't because that kept me from doing anything bad because I knew they would find out. I have turned out to be a decent human being and all I can do is try to be a good mom. There is no book on parenting just do your best and you will not have any regrets. LMG

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 09:23 AM   #42
    sincerelycas
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    sincerelycas's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Location: South Jersey
    Posts: 33
    sincerelycas HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    hello. im a fifteen year old.. so perhaps i could help? experimenting as everyone has said is probably not so bad. it couldve been peer pressure. i would not allow them over when no one else is home.. as with the boy thing.. thats a little crazy.. but not surprising... have you talked to your daughter about sex and the precautions she should take? im not saying to influence her to have sex.. but wouldnt you be relieved if she was practicing safely? and as for drinking.. im straight edge (no alcohol, no drugs) but.. probably about 85% of my classmates drink. i personally think its stupid.. but.. whatever.. she seems pretty smart to make the decision that she was wrong.. but yes.. perhaps you should lock it up..

    you dont need to goto harsh measures. but.. id be afraid to tell my mother any of that for fear that she would punish me or hate me.. talk to her.. id be honest from her with the start. tell her that you read it.. not on purpose.. and that if she needs to talk.. your there.. and if not.. you understand..

    much luck.
    -cas
    __________________
    best friends is not only two words put together, but the defintion of two people.

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 12:14 PM   #43
    DawnP
    Member
    (female)
     
    DawnP's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2002
    Location: Connecticut
    Posts: 79
    DawnP HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Thank you agin for all your input

    Cas, Girlharley, Piranna, Lovemygrandma - I think you have good advice.

    This is an opportunity for us to have more open conversations.

    I told her she couldn't go to camp and got the third degree. I told her I just didn't feel it was supervised enough. She would not give up.

    Then, she asked to spend the night this weekend at one of "those girl's" houses. I said no and also no to one of the other girl's parties on Friday. She again pouted and gave me the third degree. I told her that I just wanted her home, we have a lot to do etc etc.

    Then she proceeded to ask me what I read of hers that made me change my mind about camp etc. So, you see she is already figuring this out and I think we are going to have to just tell her and be honest about the whole thing. I can't limit her lifestyle without an explanation and I refuse to throw her right back into harm's way.

    She admitted to me last night that she had taken Vodka and wanted us sto notice, but we didn't. She said that she has learned from her mistakes. I hope so. She said she knows right from wrong.

    She wants to go to therapy. I told her that I didn't want to "fix" her but rather give her someone to help her sort out her feelings.

    She also said that the place she feels good is with her Church group friends. That is good. It's a wholesome group and she feels accepted. I am not pushing her in this direction, it's her choice.

    We have a lot of talking to do.

    I will continue to update you and thank you again.


    Dawn

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 12:27 PM   #44
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Well at least she is admitting to everything. As for keeping her from those girls. Your daughter went along with it just like the girls involved. Are those her only friends, or friends that she has had for quite some time?

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 10:23 AM   #45
    divastar02
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    divastar02's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 13
    divastar02 HB User
    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    wow. I cant believe you read her diary. Im 21, so it doesnt seem that long ago when I was your daughters age. If I ever found out my mom did that I would be soooo ******. Let her experiment and have fun. What kind of things did you do when you were a teen?????!!!! Put your self in HER shoes. I do think you need to lay down some ground rules. And then of course, quit being such a parent and start being a friend. Hang out with her....laugh about boys and love and life with her!!! I agree she is waaay too young to be drinking and being sexual! But TALK with her like shes a girlfriend not a daughter!! If she knows your there to listen and be a friend, temptation and peer pressure wont be so great on her part either. You know those comercials about talking to your kids about drugs and drinking.....well, yah. You get the point. good luck!!

    hug
    Michelle

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:27 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!