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  • 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

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    Old 04-15-2005, 11:16 PM   #61
    siren1024
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by veggigoddess
    You try to instill these ridiculous rules and restriction you'll have one out of control daughter on your hands or a very unhappy daughter that will naturally end up hating you.
    Or end up a well disciplined, well adjusted, level headed woman! You should hear some stories from my teen years. My mom was unbelievably strict, and I hated her for it at times. But now I thank her because I look at other kids who were raised by overly permissive parents and they are at such an incredible disadvantage in the real world. She went quite a bit overboard with some things, and there are things that I will do differently with my kids. But you know what? I was never "out of control" or "very unhappy" even though I deserved more leniance than I was given. And lest you think I'm old and out of touch, I'm only 23. I'm so glad my mom expected alot of me! It is NOT a parent's job to be a kid's friend, peer, or equal. It is not a parent's job to treat a kid like an adult. It is a parent's job to know better than the kid and make sure you implement all those things into the kid's life. A 14 year old isn't always capable of making wise decisions. That's what parents are for!!
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    Old 04-16-2005, 07:09 PM   #62
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Well Said Siren1024!!!

     
    Old 04-16-2005, 08:42 PM   #63
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    Wink Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I've read some of the post - sounds like a lot of people have strong opinions and people seem to disagree. Im sorta sadden but all this - everyone has their own opinions - so we should respect each other in that aspect. DawnP - you said your really involved in your church (its taken me a long time to realize what I'm about to tell you but just absorb it, don't think too deeply into it) but have faith in God. Have faith that everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents. I just full understood this concept, but I understood it from my heart (not many people can say they truely feel it from a deeper spot within). Yea your daughter kissed another girl(s), did some stuff with a guy, and drank alocohol, but you can't change that; your here and the time is now. Don't beat yourself up about it. Have faith in your daughter and know that everything is going to be ok. Nothing you can do is going to change your daughter. No one can change a person, the other person has to be willing. Only you can change how you react and yourself. But please just keep in mind to have faith that God has a plan for everything - this stuff happened for a reason - you may never know why, then again you may think you know why but it may not be the real reason.
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    Old 04-17-2005, 02:22 AM   #64
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    When I was 14 I did things a lot worse then that! I never made out with girls, but I did drink and smoke. When my parents found out the first time I drank I was 15. They banded me from seeing my friends, put me in a private school, didn't allow me to talk to the girls I was hanging out with, took away my phone, made me see a therapist and made me go to church every Friday; however, teenagers ALWAYS find a way to rebel against their parents, especially when they make drastic punshishments. This will only get your child to never trust you again and probably want to leave the house as soon as shes able to. Over the years I gained my parents trust again, not because I didn't drink and smoke, but because I was better at not getting caught. Little did they know, private school people were a lot worse than the public school people.
    Now I go to university very far away from them, I don't believe in religion or God for that matter (because I was forced to go when I was upset with God for "doing this to me" when I was 15), I have a tattoo, seven piecings and I still drink, smoke and do other stuff occasionally.
    I am making myself sound like a really bad teen, but trust me, I am extremely normal if not even better than a lot of people in my rez. Kids change - time changes. If your kid can't trust you with things like you reading her diary, she'll hate you for the rest of her entire life - and trust me, you don't want that (after all - she could turn out like me)

     
    Old 04-17-2005, 02:31 AM   #65
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by siren1024
    Or end up a well disciplined, well adjusted, level headed woman! You should hear some stories from my teen years. My mom was unbelievably strict, and I hated her for it at times. But now I thank her because I look at other kids who were raised by overly permissive parents and they are at such an incredible disadvantage in the real world. She went quite a bit overboard with some things, and there are things that I will do differently with my kids. But you know what? I was never "out of control" or "very unhappy" even though I deserved more leniance than I was given. And lest you think I'm old and out of touch, I'm only 23. I'm so glad my mom expected alot of me! It is NOT a parent's job to be a kid's friend, peer, or equal. It is not a parent's job to treat a kid like an adult. It is a parent's job to know better than the kid and make sure you implement all those things into the kid's life. A 14 year old isn't always capable of making wise decisions. That's what parents are for!!
    You might have been raised my strict parents, I was too when I lived at home, but you can't deny that back in the day you drank when you were younger, or that you kissed a boy (the girls aren't really my thing, but maybe the poor girl is unsure of her sexuality. It's definetly not wrong to be a bi or homosexual). It may not be the parents job to be a kids friend, peer, or equal, but it is a parents job to make sure their child doesn't become depressed or maybe even suicidal. I know a few people in high school with rules like these (including me) who commited suicide or who was extremely depressed. You say that she should do what is best for her daughter, if that means making her unhappy duing her teen years ("the best years of her life"), then sure - just give her the knife.
    I guess everyone has their opinions, and I'm not saying I do not respect yours or the person who posted this post... I'm just saying that those rules are really tough for a teen to deal with, and if anyone expects them to work - they def. need a reality check.

     
    Old 04-17-2005, 11:41 AM   #66
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Im not sure how old she is I might of missed it in the post but I also think its a bit harsh.teens are going to do things we dont like if you forbid her from doing things she will just do them anyways out of spite even. Lock up the liqure for sure. limit the parties too or staying out late ect. Dont tell her you read her diary though. Although im 30 now looking back on it I would of freaked if my mom read mine and im sure mine was worse than hers. I tured out fine no drugs,jail ect. Kids experiment with things though. im sure about the making out with girls cause I dont agree with that at all. I might would talk with her about her sexuality and the girls cause if it were me that would be the main thing bothering me. I know it may be hard but talk to her about bc ask her if she needs it. it may sound like if you do that your condoning it but I dont think so. Better safe than sorry if shes going to do it anyways. I grew up supported as a teen I drank some of course my parents didnt like it but they felt better knowing I wasnt out with friends driving around and drinking. So being supportive helps alot.You dont want her to be afraid of talking to you about these things. This is just all IMO.

    Good luck. I also think you had a good idea about getting her involved in more church activities that would be great.

     
    Old 04-17-2005, 06:01 PM   #67
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Waller2
    You might have been raised my strict parents, I was too when I lived at home, but you can't deny that back in the day you drank when you were younger, or that you kissed a boy
    Actually, I didn't do any of those things until I was in college. Well, I did kiss a boy, but innocent teenage kissing is different from a few heavy makeout episodes. Why didn't I do any of these things? Because my mom was strict. Not only did she not allow it, but she showed me the positive side of NOT drinking or having sex. Out of respect for her rules, I obeyed. Now, she was a bit TOO strict, which caused me to go a little overboard in college when I got out of the house, but I never did anything more than drinking at parties and fooling around with guys. And that didn't last. I got over it real quick because I was taught all my life there was a better way. And even during my party phase I knew that. I was never truely suicidal or depressed.
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    Old 04-19-2005, 11:46 AM   #68
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I was not going to reply to this, but the more I read the more I have to. First of all, you would not know anything had you not invaded her diary. She may not tell you what she is doing because she fears your reaction. You say you have a strict household, and your husband is a tough person too I think rather then take her friends away, and all communication with them, not letting her go to camp etc..etc...etc... that you should see this as an opportunity to loosen yourself up a little. I only say this, because, my mom read my diary... she even made copies of it. Needless to say, me and my mom had no relationship when I was growing up. If my mom knew HALF the things I did, she would drop dead in her tracks. However, because my mom chose to try and take things away from me, to prevent me from doing the things she did know, I became very sneaky. I tried alchohol once, didnt like it, swore I would never do it again (all to my diary) then!!! she read it, punished me for it, I went out ever weekend got drunk, and with out her being there every time I would pop the top on a new drink, I would litterally say, "stop me if you can, this ones for you" that sounds horrible I know, but its true. As far as her experimenting with other girls. What are you going to do if in a couple of years, she comes up to you and says, Mom I think I am a lesbian. It may be against your religion, you may not want to except that, you may want to ask her if she has completely gone brainless, but, ones sexuality is ones choice. and she may have some really weird feelings going on that she needs to talk to YOU about, before you drag it out infront of a counselor I would try that approach.
    When I first started getting really interested in boys, I was 14, I lost my virginity as 15, because I wanted out of my moms house, I didnt feel comfortable there, I was grounded all the time, I was punished for every little thing I did. So.... all in all I am 25 years old, I have 3 kids, I have an 8 year old son, a 5 year old Daughter and a 15 month old son. I am not the permiscuous little person that my mother would like to think I am, she thinks to this day, that I have been with many many many people, but it is not true. I have kissed a lot of guys, but I have only been with a few.
    I know it is a hard blow when you find out that your child is not exactly what you want him/her to be. And that they are doing things that you NEVER dreamed of when you were their age. But I am telling you from experience my self if you take everything away from her and confront her on the small stuff, that she is going to rebel twice as bad, and you are going to be called Grandma in the near future, or she is gonna be making toasts to you as she gets drunk. I am begging you to please reconsider your list of things you are going to do. Locking up the alchohol would probably be a good thing, that way she can not get into your alchohol. But dont take her life away from her because she is not telling you everything she is doing. Try doing a girls day out, and talk to her, dont force her to tell you things, or let her know you know, and what ever you do DONT GET MAD, at ANYTHING she tells you. If you do this, when she does become sexually active, though you wont want to know, and it will be hard to hold your tounge, you will be more likely to know before you are a grandma. I dont mean kissing by Sexually active. If she ever tries drugs... you will know, but you gotta let her know she is not going to be punished for comming to you honestly.

    My kids already have this instilled in their heads, and I will be honest some of the things my oldest son tells me makes me go but... I do not critisize him for it, and I do not punish him, I give him my opinion, and tell him whether or not I approve of it, but I do not punish him for telling me things he has done, because I would rather know, then have him dead somewhere when he gets older. And although 8 is mighty young, my son came into the living room lastnight, and told me some stuff that floored me. He knows, the hows, whens, wheres, and whys of sex, and he is 8. He learned it from his friends. So we had the birds and the bees talk lastnight, and because I dont punish him for his questions, and his experiements, he knows he can come to me.

     
    Old 04-25-2005, 05:34 PM   #69
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I would not remove her access to the girls, nor deny her any outside priveledges to activities. She is a teenager and she is going to experiment. This is the new milliniem. Things are different. Don't lock her up and throw away the key. Just keep an eye on her and put the no sleep over and no one home with no adults home policy into effect.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 11:12 AM   #70
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    I know I've posted this this in the past but I agree its a new era since you were her age. And things have done a 180 since the 60's. I mean look at the news? People are fighting for gay marriage and there are videos being advertised for "Girls gone wild" on tv all times of the day. There is no sheilding her from this. I know you have probably taken actions against your daughter already but I dont think it will change her.

    She just wont keep a diary of what she does anymore. And like a lot of the other posters have mentioned she will get sneaky and how will you know then?

    My parents werent strict. But they had guidlines too. I wasnt allowed at parties if no parents were home. I wasnt allowed to have boys over without adult supervision, I wasnt allowed to have boys in my room even with adults home, I couldnt go to a boys unless his parents were home ect...

    But once I reached your daughters age my dad had given me the run down on what can happen at a party if your there without adults. How men/young men can take advantage of you, and you can end up in a bad situation that could be harmful to yourself. He even told me if this ever happened that I could call at any time no matter what time it was and he'd come get me. He'd rather me be honest about where i was and get the heck outta there vs. staying and being afraid of what my parents will do. Deal with that later. I learned a lot of lessons on my own. But I always kept the useful info from my parents in the back of mind.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 12:18 PM   #71
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    First of all I must say you got quite the response here - 14 pages and counting! Dawn, let me say that your household in and of itself is quite stressful. Having two ADHD boys along with a developing girl is a handful. Seems like you are doing a good job of balancing attention. I have two sons. The youngest (13) has ADD. His having to have the last word is one of our bigger challenges - well, between him and his dad. My oldest is 16 and is totally opposite. The one that has ADD gets most of the attention, good and bad because you have to recognize the good that they do along with the bad. My oldest does not seem to have a problem with the attention thing, but when the youngest makes honor roll and my husband says Ďletís get pizza!í the older one reminds us that he is always on high honor roll. What a challenge!

    Now, Iím telling you that so you know that I have a similar situation. I do not have a girl so I cannot speak from that. Have not had any problems with drinking or testing the sexual watersÖyet. Yesterday my oldest just told me he and ĎJaneí are officially dating. Then later that night, he was on the phone for an hour with her. He has had the talks about drinking, sex, and relationships. You have to rely on the other kids having been taught the proper way too. Even with all the teaching and good morals in your home, the influence out there is overpowering to say the least.

    On the subject of reading the diary. Why would your daughter, knowing she was going away, leave it in such a common place? If she really didnít want you to find it, she would have hidden it better. Is it her computer desk or the familyís? From experience, I know that children NEED structure and routine in their lives - it makes them feel safe. Regardless of all that, there will be things that happen that you will not like. Feel blessed that you have had the opportunity to understand your daughter through her writings. I would not tell her you read the diary and see how she continues to write and where she keeps her diary. Donít girls usually have one that has a lock and key? I never had one. For my birthday this year my girlfriend gave me a journal and told me that I should only write happy things in it. I canít do that. It would take forever to fill. I canít write my true feelings either because I would be afraid that someone would read it. So, possibly not everything that she wrote was even true.

    You have instilled good qualities and morals. You need to let her go to camp, have sleepovers, and continue babysitting. Although, with your sons being ADHD and her only 14 that may be too big of a job. Put limitations on each of these privileges. Reminder that no one is to be over the house when no adult is home, limit the number of girls sleeping over and possibly which ones can and canít, and let her go to camp. Is it a church camp? The kissing that occurred probably was due to the time and place. I donít think that there will be any thoughts of wanting to do that at a camp.

    Do not feel guilty about reading her diary. You just donít need to tell her you read it. It will cause more problems than it will solve. You have the tools and sense to make the changes required without letting on that you know anything.

    If you met me today, you would never dream of what I have done in the past. No amount of teaching will keep your daughter from trying things. As one poster said, she will do them anyway knowing full-well that they are wrong. Thatís what makes them so mysterious and thrilling. If she is depressed, and a lot of teenagers seem to be, get her involved in an exercise program. Maybe mother/daughter yoga or something that will help ease her mind and give her self-confidence. You will do the right thing. One problem you have though is that your husband wants to tell her that you read the diary. Make him understand that you will both be more effective and have the respect that you deserve from her when you make the changes than if you told her and then made the changes. She would rebel. You want to get closer to her not push her away.
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    Last edited by sawbuck44; 04-27-2005 at 12:21 PM.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 12:44 PM   #72
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    GirlHarley, when I read your post, having a soon to be 16 yo, I had to ask, how does he have his own car without a job especially since he was arrested for driving without a license? What does your husband say about this? My husband is adamant that our boys buy their own cars as he and I had to do.
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    Last edited by sawbuck44; 04-27-2005 at 12:51 PM.

     
    Old 04-28-2005, 03:57 PM   #73
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sawbuck44
    GirlHarley, when I read your post, having a soon to be 16 yo, I had to ask, how does he have his own car without a job especially since he was arrested for driving without a license? What does your husband say about this? My husband is adamant that our boys buy their own cars as he and I had to do.

    My son was arrested when he was 15 - one month before he was turning 16 and two weeks shy of starting drivers ed that I paid $550 for. Because he was not drunk, doing drugs, and did not get pulled over for a traffic voilation.
    He was pulled over.... due to a call into the police station regarding an SUV driving crazy & doing spins. The cop on call did not witness any of this but went to inspect (my son claims IT WASN'T Him ) So the NICE officer arrested him, no handcuffs and no jailcell....But still arrested and I had to pick him up. The officer also said he didn't care if my son was charged as a juvenile or adult it would be up to the Town prosecutor. My son went to court, pleaded guilty got 90 days probation and 90 days lost of license.
    But....He never had his License to begin with. I don't know how, but - I cancelled the driver's ed class, was able to receive my $550 refund - went shopping with it and spent it on myself. I punished my son to the Max that a parent could do - NO 16 Bday party, no friends OVER, no sleep over, for 6 months - no Computer or Cell phone one month. AND 'I" gave him community service - He adopted a grandfather at a local nursing home and visited twice a week for 1 hour....He continues to see his adopted grandfather on a weekly basics and have become friends.... He behaved himself during the 90day probation and completed what was told of him. Weekly visits - Trust ME, no kid wants to be on Probation - They CONTROL your life during that PERIOD that not even the PARENT has a say!

    As for the CAR.....Present from my Ex-Husband! My ex does or I should say goes over and beyond his duties. He SPOILS my SON! Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful father - BUT, he is not teaching my son ANYTHING by spoiling him, paying for his gas, taking care of car insurance, all maintance to the car and gives him MONEY whenever my son needs it....grrrrrr - that is my only complaint about my Ex-husband is spoiling OUR son. SO, I'm stuck being the Bad Parent - with all my snooping, rules, restrictions, yelling, dicipline, teaching him the Value of Money, life, you name it the burden falls all on me!
    Dad is the FUN loving Money Dad.....

    Sorry I went on and on - but it's a daily battle as I'm trying to get my son to GET A JOB - but why should a 16 1/2 year old kid want or need a job when Daddy is paying for everything!

    Hope that answers your question (even though it was long)
    Girlharley

     
    Old 04-28-2005, 06:02 PM   #74
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    Girlharley

    wow, i feel for you. you are in the spot of looking like the bad guy but someday your son will thank you for being so hard on him.
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    Last edited by sawbuck44; 04-28-2005 at 06:03 PM.

     
    Old 04-28-2005, 06:35 PM   #75
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    Re: 14 year old daughter in trouble. I read her diary.

    your not the bad parent here girlharley and when your son gets older i think he will realize. If it was up to my parents they wouldnt give me a car after that they would make me get a job and earn it myself (as i have without being bad)

     
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