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  • Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

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    Old 04-15-2005, 10:42 AM   #16
    GirlHarley
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by littlegal
    Thank you Girlharley for so much of your support. I really do appreciate!! I feel like I am losing my mind at times. I hate for anyone to go through this, but it is nice to know someone else is out there that can lend some support!! I have posted other threads before about different situations and some of the feedback was telling me to mind my own business and let the bio mom raise her own child. I assume this reponse came from a bio mom, but do they honestly know what a step mom goes through as well!! Thanks again for your support!!!

    You're Welcome, Littlegal
    I know how it feels being a step-mom. Bio moms, unless they are in the same situation as us wouldn't understand. I don't expect them to, not that it's a fault of theirs cause it's not. But it must be hard for some bio-moms to allow another woman to Help- in raising their children when it comes to step-parenting. Hard for them to let go.

    If only they KNEW that some of us females who get involved with a man who has children also have to accept the whole package - that includes their ex-wife and children...Some woman like us have a Big Heart and alot of love to give and then their are other step-moms or step-dads that couldn't be bothered with lovoing someone else's children. We do the best we can. RIGHT

    I do know if my ex-husband ever remarried, I would hope that she was a good, loving woman, who treated my son as her own...It wouldn't bother me at all if they tooked my son on vacations, dinners, or spoiled him with gifts..
    Gzzz - it would save me Alot of MONEY

    Their are some Bio moms that are just plain evil
    and Their are some Bio moms who are wonderful and understand that in a divorce sitution children can be shared.

    AND, of course their can be some EVIL step-moms who resent their step-children. As their are Wonderful step-moms who welcome these wonderful children into our homes and make them feel as Speical as they are...

    Don't be too upset about your situation, don't worry about what others think or opinions they have till they walk your shoes.....

    I'm blessed to have wonderful step-children, and SO very proud to have them part of my life even if the bio mother tries manipulate their visitation (there is also a 11yr old son, but it seems to be more about the daughter then the son). You hang in there and I'm here if you need to vent. ask questions, or help each other get through this...

     
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    Old 04-15-2005, 02:41 PM   #17
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    GH and LG

    you said it was very diffucult the first few years of your relationship with your step child. i'm finding it difficult as well. it's hard to take the rejection that he sometimes projects towards me. his feelings are all totally understandable and normal, but how were you able to stay positive? i want nothing more than to build a solid relationship with him, but sometimes i feel like i'm failing. any advice? he's only 6 years old.

     
    Old 04-18-2005, 05:53 AM   #18
    littlegal
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    Betty Bee, it was hard fo rme to get even semi-close to my step daughter due to her bio mom. She made up several reasons why she couldn't be around me. She even told her daughter that she was allergic to my air freshner in my car, so she wouldn't ride with me. It was an awful 1st year. She was terrified to be with me because she always got in trouble. Finally, she came around and was ok with it. Believe me, it took several, several months. The part of being positive - well, that's hard. It's still hard for me today with everything we still go through with the biomom. Hang in there. It will get better. Is your step son afraid to get close to you because of his biomom?

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 03:10 PM   #19
    GirlHarley
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Betty Bee
    GH and LG

    you said it was very diffucult the first few years of your relationship with your step child. i'm finding it difficult as well. it's hard to take the rejection that he sometimes projects towards me. his feelings are all totally understandable and normal, but how were you able to stay positive? i want nothing more than to build a solid relationship with him, but sometimes i feel like i'm failing. any advice? he's only 6 years old.
    I had no issues with my step-son when I met him - he was a loveable 4 year old. (now 11) It was my step-daugher who was 8 when I met her (now 15)
    I treated both these kids as if they were my nephew or neice not step children. It wasn't the step-daughters fault for her distance towards me, I sensed it had something to do with the Bio-mother, so I just continued to be just me - gave them love & attention when they visited, provided my home with their father as it was also their home...I knew something was going on behind the scenes but didn't know the degree - till recently. The only reason I know EVERYTHING now - is because my step-daugher was getting older and wiser, I never was a threat, I never spoke negative of her mother, I never gave up on winning her affection - OK, there were a few times that I did want to throw in the towel and say screw it

    I also have to say, I got damn lucky....My own child (son) became best friends with his step-sister (since they are only a year apart) Oh we (my fiance & I) had to keep a watch on these two as we noticed a crush going on between them. My step-daughter started confiding in my son about situations at her house and remarks her mother would say along with how she would try to manuplate HER visits with her dad and myself. It's a control/power struggle the mother needs to have. She (the ex-wife) has had no issues with a relationship between her son/dad/and myself...BUT, with the daughter - it's a jealous thing. She did a great job, sabotaging the relationship with the oldest child who is 23 and does not wish to have a relationship with her dad. There has been good moments and bad moments but somehow, we just knew if we stayed true to what was important - the Love of the Children, Vistations, Welcoming them into our home, we were never the enemy and they were very much wanted it would somehow work out. It's been a long road and I'm sure the ex-wife will continue to "try" something or anything to keep from having a respectable, obtainable, loving relationship with Dad, his children, and myself....BTW, she is Remarried - she married the first guy she met while the ink was still drying on her divorce papers. She's just a selfish woman, who has been pampered all her life, who just thinks that it's all about her.

    I honestly think, when she asked for a divorce that also met the kids were getting divorced from their father too She just doesn't know how to share - but that is my opinion on this ex-wife.

     
    Old 05-02-2005, 02:03 AM   #20
    tari
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    Thanks, GirlHarley. I'm facing a similar situation RIGHT NOW and it's like you stepped right down from heaven! My husband's ex (who is married and has a 2-year old with the new hubby) USES her own daughter to get to my husband (long story.) Anyway, we are talking about getting her back -- he's the custodial parent, so he can choose who she stays with until she's competent to decide for herself -- but she will be almost 10 when that happens. Do you think that's too late, especially with puberty and hormones and new schools/friends/etc.? The thing that scares me is that the child has already learned the expert manipulative skills that her mother uses on everyone around her, and I do not want her to be a disruptive force on my marriage.

    Thanks for sharing your experience and your advice! Please write on what did NOT work, too, so the rest of us don't have to reinvent the wheel and all the mistakes along the way.

    tari

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 02:09 PM   #21
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    That is really sad. I am sorry you gotta deal with her BS. It's deffinitely much easier to be able to get along & not have to worry about this stuff... but of course it doesn't always work out that way. Maybe she is threatened by you. But if she IS, that's a problem of HER'S that she should deal with & if she's a good mother to her daughter then she shouldn't have anything to worry about! Seems as tho you have tried with her & if she's going to just give you the cold shoulder then just ignore her & her immature ways b/c that's what it is - immature. If she really cared then she would realize that this situation is no longer about her & her ex... it's not about the CHILD involved. She should want to make it as good as possible.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 04:02 PM   #22
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    I hate to do this, being new here and all but I am not a step mother I am on the other side, I am the biological mother.

    Its not that she is jellous I dont think, at least I'm not but she may disagree with how you parent. Everyone has their own parenting style and sometimes its hard for moms and dads to agree on how to do everything let along adding a step mom.

    I was very concerned that ...and I cant recall who said it .. but someone let a child read a letter that her mother wrote that was less than favorable in regard to her father. A child should never be privy to that kind of information. My daughters father has said some very unkind stuff about me since our breakup and its all in our court documents .. there will never be a time when my daughter sees any of that. I want her to always think of her father as a kind, loving man .. not the jerk that he can be.

    Im not saying to give fake smiles or have coffee sit downs just understand that when she had this child you werent in the picture and getting used to having 3 or 4 parents can be hard.

    Just one bio-mom's point of view

    Last edited by dewdrop333; 05-05-2005 at 04:02 PM.

     
    Old 05-06-2005, 12:43 PM   #23
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    I agree with you dewdrop. I didn't mention it in my previous reply & maybe should have. I am also on the other side - my daughter has a stepmother. We didn't know each other from a hole in the wall when she & my daughter's father met & decided to be together. We talked some & got along for a while. But things changed after a few court visits. I don't think it's either of our fault's (me or her stepmother), but sometimes it just happens - we are each on different sides here, so it's hard to be "friends", you know? But if anything, I can say that I have always tried to keep things civil for my daughter's sake b/c it's really not fair to her... but it isn't always easy.

    The way I try to look at this whole thing is that I want my daughter to be HAPPY. This isn't about me, or her father, or her stepmother, or my BF... it's about HER. She is my #1 priority. I should hope the same goes for her father, but I don't always feel that's the case. But, that is just MY opinion & going on what I know/see.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 05-06-2005, 07:27 PM   #24
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    Thumbs up Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    First let me say I am in the same boat as you. But there are 4 step children in my situation, three boys ages 7, 3, and 1 and one girl age 7, twins, there mother hates me with a passion, but its not because she thinks I am going to take her place as a mother, its because I'm there. Because I make her ex-husband happy, its because I make the kids happy, because I'm me. Your hubby's ex isn't mad because she thinks your trying to take her daughter she is mad because you are making her ex husband happier than she could have ever imagined. You know how kids only want to play with the toys that the other kids are playing with, or you know the saying you always want what you know you cant have, or you never know what you got till it's gone. So hang in there chick, it will get better just be a loving wife and step mother and make that baby the happiest baby ever!!
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    Old 05-07-2005, 06:52 AM   #25
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    I was that way towards my "step" mom at first now she like my mom i get along with her better than i do my "real" mom.

     
    Old 05-09-2005, 06:13 AM   #26
    littlegal
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    Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!

    hello everyone,
    Thanks for everyone's reply back. I'm glad to see alot of people responding to this. I understand the bio mom's side. I understand she is the "real" mother, but she doesn't act it at times. She doesn't have a close relationship with her daughter until NOW since the court date is coming up in a few months. The father is fighting for custody and the mother is putting on some BIG show now. She gives the child anything she wants and she is just now starting to be kind with us. I don't know if it'll continue after the court makes their mind!!! Anyway.... since it was Mother's Day - Happy Mother's Day to everyone. They say being a mother is hard, but I truly believe that a step-mother has it even harder!! I love them both but did not realize the Bullsh#$ I would have to go through!!! Everyone says to let the Bio dad handle things between the bio mom. There is times that he can't be there and that leaves the step mom there to handle. I don't have children of my own and I love this child so much that it hurts when I have to hide my feelings at times. When she is at our home, I show her all my love and affection - then her mom comes around - the child leans away from me and I'm afraid to show my feelings or the child gets upset. She is unsure what mommy would say if she loved all over me - I'm sure that's most of her behavior. What is it about the parents telling their child they have a bad attitude when they come back from the other parent's home?? I've read so many times on post before and now the child said that her mom yells at her because she has a bad attitude when she leaves our home. I don't understand that yet!! Please advise!!

     
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