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littlegal 04-11-2005 06:14 AM

Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
I am married to a wonderful man and I love his daughter very much, but I have issue with "the ex"!!!! She does not like me one bit. I try so hard to get along with her, I buy her nice presents for Christmas, Birthday, etc., I speak to her when I see her, but she is evil!!! One day she may speak and other days she doesn't even look at me. Everybody said she is threatened by me by taking her place as a mother for her daughter. Bull, that's crazy, she gave birth to her, I would not ever try to take that place, I couldn't if I did try - she's the one she calls mommy, not me and I'm fine with that. I am a Christian and I try to do the right thing. I have always spoke with high praise to the daughter about her mother - I NEVER speak low about her!! I don't approve with things the mother does or say, but I keep those thoughts to myself. Please somebody give me advise on how to handle her. We will always be in contact with her because of the daughter and I am not living my life under the ex's control and demand!!!! Give me advise from her side on what she may be feeling, give me advise on what I can do and not do just please help me, I get so upset and angry. I don't want to be this way!!!!

manazoid 04-11-2005 10:27 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
I would like to tell you i was in the same situation as you. I am a stepmom to 2 boys but mom did not like me at all. She would talk to me sometimes, sometimes not. She would speak down about me and did some downright dirty things to me. I never spoke badly about her and weather she spoke to me or not i would always say hi. Eventually as the boys got older, they started defending me to their mom. If you try to fight back it will only hurt your stepdaughter in the end. She is the most important one in this situation. I know it is tough but in the end it will all work out. My one stepson passed away a few years ago and my other one is 19 now and lives on his own so we have no need to be in contact with mom anymore. We can just call him. I would give anything to have just a minute back with my other stepson. Cherish every moment you have with your stepdaughter and let moms comments roll off your back. In the end you will be better for it. good luck!

queenbluebee 04-12-2005 01:03 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Continue to be polite to the stepmother. When you see her smile, say hello, ect. even if she doesn't respond back. Don't let her know that this gets under your skin.
Best advise--Kill her with kindness.

The issues isn't that she thinks you are trying to be her daughter's mother but if she hasn't found someone new in her life then the issue is that your husband has moved on and found you and started a new life--she's holding a grudge against you for it.

Happytoes 04-12-2005 04:59 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Hi, I agree with all of you when you say continue to be kind and polite to her.I also have three now grown-up step-daughters and my husband and I had similar problems with his ex.From her point of view I would say that there are a couple of things - I think one of them is that it is sometimes difficult to look honesty in the face and she sees you with her ex having a good and successful relationship and she has probably spent years convincing herself their break-up was his fault and now she is confronted with the fact that he is happy with you and I think that now she may have a nagging doubt that she is trying to suppress that says to her perhaps it wasn't all his fault. The other point is that your step- daughter may well return home from you and tell her what a great time she has had and once again she is faced with the possibility that perhaps her own parenting skills aren't so great. Just keep going as you are I know it is tough but at least you will be able to look back and think I behaved properly and did everything I could in my power to make things go smoothly for my husband and step-daughter and it really sounds like you are.If things do flare up or there are, if you like, what I call dramatic moments with the ex then take a step back, don't allow her to rile you up inside - the old adage things look different after a good night's sleep is so true and I think a great piece of advice for many step-parents or as you are doing now vent on here!! Best wishes Happytoes

littlegal 04-12-2005 05:42 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Thank you all so much for your encouragement!! I really needed to hear that!! At times I really get upset and angry and I hate that feeling. The ex has moved on - she got married!! Thanks again.

Betty Bee 04-12-2005 08:21 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
You might want to try talking to her (the bio mom) in private. Express how much you adore her child and that you respect and want to be on the same page as her when it comes to raising the child. Assure her that you are not trying to "take her place" as mother but you are only being a role model to her child. You have to put yourself in her shoes and realize it must be very difficult dealing with the fact there is another woman in her child's life. I think if you communicate with eachother the situation can only get better. Maybe the bio mom has certain boundries she wishesdyou don't cross and visa versa. The important piece is that the child comes first. So instead of "killing her with kindness" try to be the better person and make an effort to work out the issues between the two of you, from woman to woman.

GirlHarley 04-12-2005 08:33 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
OH, littlegal, count me in with the others......

I'm too a step mom, well I consider myself a step mom. I live with my boyfriend who has three children. I have been with him for 6 years and living together for 5. Boy can I share stories with you....

How old is your step-daughter? When I came into this relationship - my stepdaughter was 8. Her mother Manipulated the girl regarding her visits to our home. She encouraged the girl NOT TO COME OVER, no sleep overs...She told so many lies that she believed her own stories. WE didn't understand why the girl would not come to visit, why she was scared of her dad, why, why, why, It was like fighting a battle we didn't know we were in.
But, "SHE", always maintained she encouraged the children to visit their dad.

Everything has come to a complete blow this past year and the last few months....Now that the girl is 15, she has SEEN, Witnessed, Heard, all on her OWN what her mother has been doing all these years, her attempt to keep her away from not only me but her father....

Like you - I tolorated this woman for the sake of the children. Her fake smiles, her Exaggerated stories why the children could not come over. I always maintained my calmness with her....I actually beleived some of them.

One thing I "DID" know was.....When the children got older, they would see for themselves we were never the enemy. the TRUTH will always come out.

Sure enough, it's gotten so bad that the daughter was in a constant battle with her mother to visit her dad, she threatened to go to court to come live with us. She stood up for not only herself but her father, told her mother she was going to live with her dad and there was not a damn thing mother could do about it.

I don't want to offend any mothers out there, my goal was never ever to take away a daughter from her mother. It's been about a girl visiting her father and having a loving relationship. The marriage was dissolved in divorce but the children and parents did not get divorce...

I was not a threat to the mother, as I'm sure you are not a threat to the mother, but it's the mother who feels threaten for your kindness of accepting your husband's daughter into your life and loving her as if she was your own.

littlegal 04-12-2005 11:12 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Thanks again for the encouragement. I have wrote the ex a long letter and asked if she would meet with me so we can discuss the situation and how I feel. I am still waiting for that reply to my letter and it has been over a year now!!! She won't give me the time of day. She gets very nasty and cocky with me on the phone. She's married - why won't she get on with her life and leave our life alone? She's so controlling too with the child and also our life. We have to sit around and wonder if she'll let the daughter call us tonight or not. We can't call her! It's hard to deal with when I feel like a puppet on a string!!!!

GirlHarley 04-12-2005 11:29 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
I wouldn't bother waiting for a response from the ex. Do the best you can dealing with her. You are not on a string although you may feel it - you are not. :)

Continue to love your step-daughter, let her know you and her father will always be there for her...Encourage the girl every time you see her how LUCKY you are to have her in your life, let her know SHE can call her father any day or night regardless of what is going in your lives. She may still be young, but if you start now - with the little things, like words of encouragement, giving her love, attention, security and not negative remarks towards her mom - Which I know you are not....You will SEE the rewards as she blossoms into a teenager - TRUST ME, as I have been in your shoes.

I can honestly say - after being in my step-daughters life for the pass 6 years, She NOW calls me, she NOW hugs me, and we finally told each other we love one another. Did think all of this could or would happen. :)

One last thing, I told my step-daughter long ago - not to think of me as a step mother but as an Aunt - I really think that "view point" tooked the NEGATIVE away from her, as we all know children hear about step mothers or step fathers.....It's always scary...

littlegal 04-12-2005 12:46 PM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Thanks Girlharley!! I do all the encouraging I can do for her!! I tell her she's a good girl and that we miss her when she's gone. She said she wants to call us but her mother won't let her - I can tell that she gets frustrated when she talks about it. Like everyone said - when she gets older - she'll know the truth and the "real" side of her mother. Even though I say she's a wicked woman - I would never call her that infront of the daughter. She loves her mother, but can't understand why she can't call us when she wants to and the night we are "allowed" to call - she's at a friends house. Anyway.... I keep hoping someday things will change for the better. Thanks!!

Happytoes 04-14-2005 02:32 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Hi Littlegal, glad to hear you are hanging in there.You don,t say how old your step-daughter is but if she is old enough have you guys thought about giving the daughter a mobile phone as a present? It doesn't have to be underhand, either as a birthday present or a reward for something or just simply let your husband tell his ex that he appreciates that they have a busy lifestyle and so by giving her a phone to his daughter he is not restricting her to have to wait in for his calls. Text messages are so cheap now that she would be able to text you whenever she wanted and kids are so much better at texting than us adults anyway! Anyhow that is just an idea if she is old enough.Keep smiling Happytoes

GirlHarley 04-14-2005 04:10 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
littlegal - Sounds like you are doing a Great JoB :) :angel:
being the girls stepmother and showing her;
1) you are not the ememy
2) you have opened your heart and home to her
3) the Girl is very much wanted...

At this point all you can do is continue doing what you are doing
...nothing more you can do till the girl becomes older and can speak up to her mother or make that phone call....

I agree too with Happytoes - perhaps a cell phone so she has access to call you or dad anytime....Being 8 years old is too young for a cell phone - but it is definetly an option to teach her how much you love her and want to hear from her - and of course the responsbility of having a cell phone...Don't get upset should she lose it - Many teenagers lose their phones too - LOL

I have SOOOoo, been in your shoes - As I said, my step dauther was 8 too when I came into her life - it tooked 6 years to have her trust and love because of her mother too feeding her negative info - I like you always said nice things around the kids - but when alone with friends, family, and my boyfriend - I let out my feelings....I NOW have a WONDERFUL relationship with my stepdaughter, who has a cell phone and Calls me all the time....
It was alot of work - but so well worth it in the long run...

You are doing everything right - the ex does not have you on a string.
Have a great day!

littlegal 04-14-2005 07:57 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Thank you happytoes and girlharley!! I need all the advise I can get right now!! I'm sorry - I forgot to tell you how old the daughter is - she's 8. I believe she's too young for a cell phone right now, but great advise when she gets older!! Then we will be concerned if the mother lets her use it. She tells us that she wants to call but her mother won't let her. The 2 days we are allowed to call for 10 minutes only - she's either eating supper or playing at a friends house. We have a set time to call and believe me the mother won't let us call before or after that time. That's why I feel we are on strings - it has to be adjusted to her way - she does not compromise one bit!! We have a life too, we both have meetings during the week,etc, it's hard to call right at that time. Sometimes we call early, but the mother says she's not there, which we found out that she really was, when we ask the daughter where she was. I hate to have the girl in the middle. We don't ask too many questions, sometimes the answers we get back, really makes us angry!! Another question - how come the divorced bio mom needs to feel that she is in control? I'm not putting anybody down here that reads this and maybe everybody is different. I just feel that she has to run our life, she makes all the pick-up times, she can change it whenever she wants, she decides what is what. I do understand she is the mother, but she has to understand that we are human!!! Another thing - the daughter was with us over the weekend and repeated to her daddy what names she hears him being called at the mother's home. I was shocked!!! How can they set there and bash him infront of her. She said when she gets off the phone, the mother's hubby calls him names. Bad ones at that!! Why???? How can they do that to a child. She loves her father and they tell her that her father doesn't want anything to do with her. It's a bad situation and I'm afraid it's getting worse!!!

GirlHarley 04-14-2005 10:49 AM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Because the bio mother is so insecure and so afraid of losing her daugher to you and the girls dad.....Jealousy is a hugh factor in your situation (and mine)

If the mother was secure in her own relationship with just with her daughter but with her new husband, none of this would be happening....

As far as all these Rules she has placed on the daughters father (and you)
I would look into the divorce papers about visitation rights and what was listed. ALSO, it should state in the divorce/custody papers there should be NO slander against Mother & Father.....My boyfriend's divorce papers clearly states no negative talk between parents with children....Mine didn't say that because my ex-husband and I had a very friendly divorce and after 15 years divorce WE still get along...

Another thing we did in regards to visitation rights with my boyfriends children, the mother was pulling the same crap as what you are experiencing, My boyfriend WROTE a letter to his ex-wife regarding the children, explained that she has moved on with her life with her new husband and should stay ouf to his life and what he's doing with it. In the matter of the children, he wrote he would make Every effort to continue seeing his children regardless of her games, sabotaging visits, and even said "keeping" the children away from him....We kept a copy of that letter that was written "5" years ago.
I'm so glad we kept that copy - Just recently with all the continued crap going on - his daughter getting older (she is now 15 1/2) She has now seen what her mother has done to stop a loving relationship with her father...
WELL - it's bit her in the butt - After months of struggle, the girl stood up to her mother and told her she was coming to live with us and there was not a damn thing she could do about it....I also - had her READ the letter that was written 5 years ago - because she was brained washed into thinking her father didn't want anything to do with her! She was shocked to learn that her father has been trying for YEARS to have a good loving relationship with his daughter.....Right now, things are calm...But who knows in a month or so, we may be headed for court for full custody of the girl as she has requested on her own - that she wishes to live with us.....It's such a shame that it has come to this - The mother has been so jealous & insecure by keeping her daughter away from her father, she only pushed her away from herself....
It's a sad situation - I would never want to come between the bond of a mother and daughter - but this was one case where it was for the sanity of the child.....

Since your step daughter is too young for a cell phone, when she visits have surprise notes in her bedroom or place one in her back pack..A nice card with sayings as Miss you when you are gone, Thinking of You.

For now - it's all these small things that she will remember she is loved by you and her father....Or you may want to seek a lawyer and look into the vistiation rights for dad....

Good Luck, you have a big heart and are caring...Too bad the mother thinks of this as a Threat...

littlegal 04-14-2005 12:36 PM

Re: Bio mom vs. Step mom - Pleeeeease help!!
Thank you Girlharley for so much of your support. I really do appreciate!! I feel like I am losing my mind at times. I hate for anyone to go through this, but it is nice to know someone else is out there that can lend some support!! I have posted other threads before about different situations and some of the feedback was telling me to mind my own business and let the bio mom raise her own child. I assume this reponse came from a bio mom, but do they honestly know what a step mom goes through as well!! Thanks again for your support!!!

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