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  • My daughter is 18. Now what!

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    Old 07-26-2005, 10:25 PM   #1
    uneeq1
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    My daughter is 18. Now what!

    My daughter just turned 18 a month ago. She is still living at home with us. At least until tonight. I have had enough.
    A bit of background on this daughter. She is daughter#2. She has had problems telling the truth her entire life. She lies about big things and little things. She almost had me arrested because she told a neighbor ( a police officer) that she ran a babysitting business out of our home and made $1200 per week when she was in the 6th grade. The police believed her. I was the one babysitting and I made no where near that amount of money.
    To the present: Since she has turned 18 she and her best friend have decided that she doesn't have to listen to us at all and she doesn't have to help with chores. She doesn't have to have a curfew. My daughter is still in High School for another year. She just started a new job two weeks ago and is already lying to them about why she doesn't come in. She is involved with a 24 year old in the army, a 21 year old in the army, and a 20 year old in the army, as well as a couple of guys outside the military. She lays out of work to go be with them. She doesn't come home until 4:30 to 5:00 in the morning.
    I know my role now is that of a supporter and an advisor when asked. However, I have two other children still living at home. Her behavior and attitude is disruptive.
    The mother of the other girl is no help. This girl actually cussed me today and flipped me off and told her mother I was the one who did it. Luckily there were several witnesses.
    Her idea of punishment for the lying of these two is 10 hours of housework.
    I told my daughter that since she can't behave herself when she is with this girl that I don't want this girl in my home. Just too much drama. The other mother says they need to be allowed to see each other and their boyfriends.
    I have changed my daughters curfew to 2 am on the weekends and 10pm on the weekdays. I expect help from her since she is not paying rent here.
    I only ask to know where she is going to be and who she is to be with. How would I find her if she had a wreck or something worse?
    Sorry so long. I am very frustrated with this.
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    Old 07-26-2005, 11:20 PM   #2
    Chellaine
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    Cheryl,
    Even though she is still in high school, she IS 18 and she is legally an adult and can live on her own. I say if the other parent thinks that the girls should see each other and thier boyfriends, your daughter ought to move in with her! Do you think she would mind? Since she seems to think she knows what is best for your daughter, let her take care of her financially for a while and give you and your other children a little peace and quiet for a while.
    Am I being too harsh?
    Anyway, just thought I would throw my $.02 worth in ther for ya.
    Take care.
    Chellaine

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 12:20 AM   #3
    Piranna65
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    This is the attitude I have cheryl....I am a 22yr old female and I still live with my parents. I know that my sound insane at my age but I am going to college and will be getting married in a year, my parents dont want my boyfriend and I to live together until we are married so it is okay with them if i live here until then, my boyfriend is not allowed to sleep over.

    As for you daughter of 18. My parents always told me this "as long as your living under my roof you will live by my rules and if you dont like it then move out" Here are a few ideas that may help.

    If your daughter has a key to the house I suggest you take it from her until she is more responsible and reliable. Let her know when cerfew is if she isnt home by that time let her know the doors will be locked, and the lights will be off and she better plan on sleeping somewhere else. My parents gave me a cerfew of 1am or 2 on the weekends when i was that age, sometimes later because I actually respected my parents and they're decisons.

    Having boys over without adults was not allowed, and having them in my room while they were home was still a no no. We had to stay in the family room, kitchen..."high traffic" areas really.

    Does your daughter have her own car? If not then I suggest you put the clamp down on that asap. If she's 18 and feels she has a right to do whatever, whenever for however long then let her know she's 18 and she can get a job to get her own car, that yours is now out of commision to her since she is an "adult" and cannot respect your rules.

    Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give her any money unless she earns it! She has a job she should be responsible and go to her job, make her own money, earn her money for gas ect...if she needs some money to go to the mall, store, this or that tell her no. I have had a job since I was 16 and have been paying for my own car, cell phone, medical bills, prescriptions, clothes ect since then, granted my parents do help me out from time to time without me asking, I take care of my things with MY money. As should your daughter.

    I think the main thing here is she has to understand that just because she is 18 doesnt mean she can walk all over you. Respect is a very important thing. And having a bond with my mother is one of the best feelings in the world. I dont know if it's she in the wrong crowd or if she's always been around someone that is a bad influence but lying since she was little is terrible...

    Sit down and talk to her, without any friends there. I wouldnt suggest bashing her friends since all that will do is make her more angry. Let her know you are putting your foot down since this is still your house. Agree w/her that she is "legally" considered an adult now, but that doesnt mean she can disrespect your household rules. If she isnt comfortable with the way things go then suggest to her it's time for her to search for her own place to live. That would be a real wake up call, having to pay rent, by your own shampoo, toilet paper, dish soap! The basics! The bills add up fast.

    Oh yes! and if she has a cell phone, and you are paying for the bill, let her know that when the contract ends (if in your name) that you will not be re-newing it if she wants her own phone she can pay for the bills. I doubt the phone is in her name already if she has one since she more then likely has no credit built up.

    Good luck cheryl, just be firm and stick to your guns on evrything. Remind her that if she thinks she's an adult then its time to start acting like one! Good luck I hope I gave you some helpful info!

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 07:31 AM   #4
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    I am a 19 year old female and I live with my husband and our 9 month old daughter.

    Your daughter is 18, legally an adult. But if she still lives under your roof, she still has to follow YOUR rules. If she can't come home on time and can't control her attitude and seems to think that living by herself is easier, then I say let her figure out that the real world is not so nice. She will come home in no time, and more than likely change her ways. Once she figures out that she can't ditch work to go hang out with boys because she needs the money for rent, and that living on your own is a lot harder than you imagined, she will realize where she screwed up.

    Don't give her any money. I have had a job since I was 15, paying for car insurance, my truck, gas, food, clothes, etc. She is 18 and responsible enough to pay for those also. If she doesn't have a car and has been using yours, I suggest that you don't let her borrow your car. She needs to get her own car if she is going to move out and be on her own.

    I think you need to sit down and talk to her. She really does have a problem respecting you. The whole "I'm 18" definitely goes to a lot of kid's heads you know? Really have a talk with her and figure out what she wants to do. Whether it be move out or maybe pay you rent. If she paid you rent, theoretically she would have to show you more respect since you would be her landlord. Maybe I am being too harsh but she needs to show more respect.

    Good luck and let us know how everything goes! It will all work out.

    Amy
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    Old 07-27-2005, 02:20 PM   #5
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    let her move out...................that's when the light comes on.......she will think it's great at first............but then it ain't so great...........and you appreciate what you have...........believe me............been there and done that with 20 yr old son...........he learned a lot in six months of being out on his own....now he's back home and loves it............

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 08:38 PM   #6
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    Chellaine,
    Thanks for your answer. As hard as it was for me to let my daughter go yesterday when all this first happened, that's exactly what i did. I felt that since this other Mother wanted to be in my business and wouldn't even have her daughter apologize for her behavior towards me, that if she wanted to butt in then let her have it. She called me over last night and said she expects me and my husband to pay for Kayla's room and board while there!!! I don't think so. She told me "she would help us with our daughter" and we had to pay her gas bill to and from work. Again, I don't think so.
    We ended up basically having it out. She found out once I proved it to her that not only was my daugter lying to her but that her own daughter had been lying to her. She even was able to catch our daughters at the military base yesterday evening with the guys and the guys lied to her too. I know this is small of me, but I felt kinda victorious when this happend. I was the bad mom no more.
    This lady then tells me that she will not tell her daughter she cannot continue to see her boyfriend even for just one date because that would cause her to rebel and that would be the mom's fault?! Faulty reasoning on her part. She said she wants our daughers to see each other because to deny them that would cause them to sneak around. I left there dazed and a bit shocked.
    This morning my daughter came home like nothing happened. She and the girl immediately started running around town for this and that reason. When they got back I told both of them that as far as I'm concerned they should be grounded and my daughter is for a least a while until she can prove she can be trusted. The other girl ran home to mama fussing. I called her Mom and told her what I had told the girls and to my shock she agreed.
    Thank you for listening to my rant and for being supportive. I have learned so much these past two days.
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    Old 07-27-2005, 08:42 PM   #7
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    Piranna,
    Wow! I am going to print out this post and file it. I intend to show it to my daughter and neighbors daughter as well if that's OK. I am being called a controlling Mom. Everything your post says in it is how I want to raise my daughter. Thank you so much for your strengthening post.
    Bless you
    Cheryl
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    Old 07-27-2005, 08:55 PM   #8
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    Amy,
    Thank you for your support and suggestions. As I told piranna if it's ok with you I am going to copy these posts and show them to both girls, at least my daughter.
    Coming from people who have actually lived it and dealt with the consequences of their actions hopefully will speak to them.
    I know my daughter wants out from under her parents. All kids do. It's part of the natural process. She has more freedom than I had at her age. I can't seem to get through to her that real life is not about fun and games. She wants to take her check and save it all for a car. She is going to pay for her part of the insurance on our vehicle. We'll pay for the vehicle itself to help her out. But, if she continues she won't the truck to drive and will have to pay all of her own insurance when she does.
    I told her tonight that this house does not have a revolving door. That she can't just get mad, go to her friends house until their welcome runs out and then come home like nothing happened. I told her if she leaves again to not think she can just come back with the currect conditions. She will pay rent if I allow her back at all. I told her I loved her and I would be doing her a disservice if I allowed her to continue acting like this. She has to learn respect and responsibility.
    Cheryl....who would take sleepless nights, smelling like spit up, and dirty diapers anyday than this.
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    Old 07-27-2005, 09:01 PM   #9
    uneeq1
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    flintrock,
    Thanks for your reply. I intend to take your advice if she leaves again. No more revolving door. That is the only way she will learn. I will let her come home if she chooses once it's clear she's got the message.
    I have a 20 year old in the military. I got phone calls from her beginning two weeks after she got in, crying and apologizing for all that she had done. She now, even though she is married and has her own little girl, still calls me every once in a while to apologize. She did a lot of damage to our home before she left. She carried a lot of guilt for that. She truly thought we were doing her wrong. She was, as my 2nd daughter is now doing, hanging out with people who are giving her bad advice.
    I told my older daughter that she needs to forgive her and let this stuff go. Kids make mistakes when they are growing up. I have made many growing up myself. I still do. All we can do is try to learn and do better.
    Thanks for your support
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    Old 07-28-2005, 09:44 PM   #10
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    cheryl, feel free to share with your daughter hopefully it will provide some/any form of guidance!

    I dont know if i mentioned this earlier, but I did live with a girlfriend of mine for about two months and it turned out to be hell. She was "stealing" my tampons, not buying any toilet paper, never cleaned, would leave the stove and refridgerator a mess, never swept! I'd have to leave her a note to clean the bathroom and even when she "did" it wasnt a good job. She wasnt working and was living off of unemployment checks. We are still best friends, but I will never live with a friend of mine again!

    It wasnt very fun at all. But like others have said, this is how we find out! I didnt move out to rebel against my parents, but to be an "adult" after having to pay for EVERYTHING it seemed I moved back home where I have been since.

    It's a good way to save money too!!

    Last edited by Piranna65; 07-28-2005 at 09:47 PM.

     
    Old 07-29-2005, 08:01 AM   #11
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    Re: My daughter is 18. Now what!

    This is tough love. My mom told me if I was going to stay at her place for free after graduating high school I would have to be in college. If I was not in school I had to get a job and help pay for things. Those were the rules. If I was to continue living with her it was her place and her rules or I could move. I respected her rules. It sucked somethimes yes, but it made me the person I am today. She was a single parent raising two and we turned out fine.

    You have other family members who you still need to care for. You are showing them that you can be taken over. Don't let one ruin it for the whole family. Move her out and see how she does. You will always be her parent, that will never change. She needs reality and you need to give it to her. Best of luck!

     
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