14 yr old daughter driving me crazy

Tim58

Hi,

All sounds incredibly familiar - our daughter is 15 going into year 11. OK at school but a big attitude at home and not too keen on homework. Groundings and removal of privileges have worked fairly well. However easily the most effective punishment has been some written work to be completed over a weekend. This has usually been an essay set by my wife. Definitely keeps our daughter out of mischief for a while after.

Tim

DaVinci

Not only familiar but apparently the standard these days. Believe we should stop looking at teens as "human fungi" to begin with, afterall, were we all that wonderful with our parents? I'm sure most of us could tell a few stories that would make peoples hair stand up..hmm?
It goes back to the fast paced society and all the modern conveniences. But you know that story so I'll try to get to the point(for a change). Ask yourself, how well do I know my teen?what are his/her friends names?what do their parents do?what are his/her favourite songs/group?what is their favourite activity?what are they good at?what do they aspire to be?what's their favourite colour?what's their favourite T.V. show?where are they right now?.....Do you know the answers to all these questions? a couple?
When was the last time you spent "real" time together(and not watching T.V.)? Forget quality time(that's a buzz word that just doesn't cut it), it's about quality and quantity. Do you really blame them if they'd rather spend time with their friends than you?or go on the internet?games?
Some where along the line our teens turned into human slugs with hair and we turned into nagging old f**ts that nobody in their right mind would want to be around. Solution: find out the above answers and more about your teen and reconnect.....before it really is too late.

rouge

I love what you wrote DaVinci. That is the parent I aspire to be.

Most tech kids can get by parental control spyware. I would keep the computer in a central location in the house. Monitor all use of it. Limit the amount of time on the computer. Check the history and see where your kids have been (Until they figure out how to erase the history).

liltxn

Thank you all for the posts, I really appreciate it. I can answer all DaVinci's questions - except one. I don't know, nor do I really care, what my daughter's friends' parents do. I am certainly aware of what kind of people they are, but I am not about to start judging whether or not my child can hang out with someone based on their parent's occupation. Anyway, over the weekend I spent quite a bit of time with my daughter - even told her about this message board. Sunday I took her and one of her best friends shopping for 'first day of school clothes.' It was rather interesting watching other kids with their parents. After reading many of the parents woes on this message board, I am convinced I have one of the best kids around. I guess I was just frustrated because she is so good, I wish she wouldn't be such a brat sometimes. Oh well, at least she is my brat. Thanks again for responses. I wish you all a wonderful week.

liltxn

Oh yeah, one more thing. I told my daughter about the writing assignment and she didn't like that idea too much. That may be the one that gets her on the straight and narrow.

Arememom

Yes, that story is so familiar. My 13 year daughter spent the whole summer grounded due to my accidently finding a journal she had hid in the attic. The one part of her groundation I feel really helped us both was weekly reports she was required to write. Every week she was to write a three (legal page) report on a particular issue that she had talked about in the found journal (i.e. Why I think my mother's a bi---! ) The rule was, she could write anything she wanted in these reports and could not be punished for it. After reading reports, we would talk about them. I also made her give up several of her so called friends. I can't control her talking to them at school, but they won't be hanging out/spending the night, etc... I also took all of her electronics out of her room. She could earn one privledge/item back each week on Thursday. She earned these back by good attitude/behavior during the week. If she acted out, then she didn't get a privledge back. I reminded her as often as needed that she had the control of how long punishment lasted. I also reminded her that life is about choices we make and the consequences that happen as a result of those choices. Out of the nine weeks of summer, she only didn't get a privledge back one week. She wasn't allowed phone privledges for entire summer. I know all this sounds exterme but she had gone from being the almost perfect child to a child that I didn't know. We did spend alot of time together, talking and becoming friends (loving each other) again. She is again that sweet, almost perfect child again. I have to take some of the responsiblity for her behavior, because I wasn't paying enough attention to her due to my own issues. But we're both back on the right path again. She was laughing a few days after school started because a casual friend told her that she had heard about her groundation. She had heard that I made her sleep on the floor and she only had bread and water to eat. Not true, but I told her that's a good idea for next summer if she goes back down that wrong road. We both laughed alot.

DaVinci

Thanks Rouge, I'm still aspiring to be that parent also.
Arememom, great job...extremely important to have lots of time with our children.
And as for knowing the parents occupations, I believe Liltxn took it the wrong way......I in no way judge people by their choosen fields of work ..... the point I was trying to make is how well do you really know the parents? Most of us may know their address, their faces and perhaps their first names, but do we really know them?

hannasnana

Your daughter has reached the mouthy stage in her life. Its a difficult stage!! I survived 3 daughters and am alive to tell about it. Now my daughters have children of their own and (I hate to say this ;o)) getting payback. LOL.......

Have you tried taking everything away from your daughter but her bed? I think kids today have way too much in the way of material things. My daughter has a STRONGWILLED 7 year old boy that has the mouth of a teenager.....the only thing that works for him is to take everything away from him for a month. They have seen some really positive results from this.

Tim58

Tim58

[QUOTE=Arememom]Yes, that story is so familiar. My 13 year daughter spent the whole summer grounded due to my accidently finding a journal she had hid in the attic. The one part of her groundation I feel really helped us both was weekly reports she was required to write. Every week she was to write a three (legal page) report on a particular issue that she had talked about in the found journal (i.e. Why I think my mother's a bi---! )

Must have been an interesting summer! Certainly getting our daughter to write an essay has easily been the most effective thing we've used.

Tim

liltxn

Well, she is at it again. After really doing well, now that school has started again, so has her attitude. I like the idea of taking everything away except her bed, but my house isn't big enough to store all her stuff. Not to mention, she gets out of school at 3 and I don't get off work until 5. And when I stay late to get some studying done for my college classes, it can be as late as 9 before I make it home, so whose to say she won't be using it anyway. I wish I could trust her, but I have caught her too many times watching tv when she has been told not to watch it. Every time I take her phone away, kids call for homework help. They have so many team projects, and I don't want her schoolwork to suffer. I haven't had her write an essay like I said I would, more because I can't think of anything to write about than any other reason. Suggestions anyone??

Tim58

My wife has assigned essays on 'The importance of homework' 'Respect' and 'Trust'. Usually between 1,000 and 2,000 words. Our daughter found them really hard work and certainly isnt keen to get any more. They definitely ensured a boyfriend and shopping free weekend!

Tim

Lynn893

Liltxn: my post sounds almost the same as yours! I honestly hope you are having a better time of it than I am.

I also know most of the answers to davinci's questions.

My daughter was not doing very well in high school. She is also going into gr. 10, but failed 3 of her courses last year and had to make one of them up in summer school.

I like to think of myself as a good mom, but it has gotten way too hard. She's not into sex, or drugs, THANK GOD! but her attitude is terrible. Screaming matches with my husband, constantly picking on her siblings. The constant disrespect and disregard for family is almost too much to deal with!

Good luck to us both!

mwessell

My 13 yo daughter is driving me nuts too. She goes from "zero to *itch" in a heartbeat. I think growing up today is so much harder than when I was that age. The number one problem (I think) is the internet.

Kids will sit on the internet for hours and hours - all day long! There is a dangerous site called MySpace that has a ton of kids on it from all over the world. Supposedly you have to be 16 to have a page on it but they do not enforce that rule...I caught my daughter with a page on it at the age of 12. Now she is off it FOREVER. But, all her friends have pages on it - they post their pictures (some are provocative - yes these are 10, 11 12 yo girls posting pics of themselves on the world wide web!) and they post their personal info - names, towns, schools. They are all sitting ducks. They need to know that predators look through these sites for their next victim. I will guarantee that 75% of the parents have NO CLUE their kids are doing this. I spoke to my daughter's friends' parents and not one of them knew their daughter was on this site. Sadly, most of them are still on it.

A free way to monitor some of your kids' activites online is Google. They have a "desktop search". It will keep track of all the sites they visit and BEST OF ALL it will save their instant messaging conversations!!! I love it! Your kids will never know it's there.

But I have to say that NOTHING replaces a parent watching the kids. Don't let the kids have a computer in their bedroom. Ask them who they are talking to when you see they are instant messaging. If they won't tell you - pull the plug - literally.

WE are the parents - not them. My daughter is not allowed to say "I hate you" - I think it's the same as bad as saying f*** you. She is on the internet for maybe 2 hours a week - if that. And I know everything she does while on it.

It is so hard to be a parent but I think the secret is to avoid the temptation of taking the path of least resistance.

__________________
Mary Ellen