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Father in and out

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Old 02-19-2006, 04:43 AM   #1
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layla= HB User
Father in and out

My daughter is now 6 and her father again has come back into our lives after an absence of nearly a year. He is extremely violent and I have gone through solicitors for indirect contact because of my fear of her safety and because his inconsistancy is really starting to upset my daughter I dont want her to be too disrupted. Since last year he has written 1 letter, my baby has been at the door as soon as she hears the postman, anyway after a week he hasnt replied and she insisted on writing again. Today however she is so disturbed, really angry and crying uncontrollably. She got back in bed and refused to get out. She has never done that!!!! Just laid in bed crying. I tried coaxing her out but to no avail, and so called dh so he could speak to her. After speaking to him, she got up and is soo distaught, i dont know what to do anymore.

She knows her father, and loves him. he has always been in and out of her life, so has his family, I have refused them access as they have disturbed her as much as he has. But i dont feel its my right to deny her her rights to her father.
I so want to stop the contact, but i know i will get the blame in the end, I dont want her messed up because of him, but i dont want her messed up through not knowing him. I have always pushed him and realise i cant make him a good dad, but how can i be a good mum????????
If i stop contact then I deny her her rights, but save her from all this heartache, but cause more in the long run, if i stop giving her any letters then i am just as bad.
But if i let it go on then she is gonna grow up for the rest of her life like this, and i cant bear to see her hurting like this.
Anyone got any advice as i dont know what to do anymore,
Thanks loads

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Old 02-20-2006, 05:44 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Kiera1595 HB User
Re: Father in and out

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I do not have any personal experience. However, just reading your post I thought that you should talk to a counselor and your daughter should too. Most counselors who have some social work under their belt will not only be able to help you deal with the lasting mental aspects of what is happening, but should also have the resources to point you in the propper legal directions if you should need them.

This is too heavy for you to be dealing with all by yourself in my opinion.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry that I can not be of more help.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

Old 02-21-2006, 09:51 PM   #3
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: Father in and out


Sometimes, we have to make decisions for our children even if we know it's going to hurt their feelings.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult event. Most children are not even aware on what's good for them.

Speaking from experience, I had to make a similar decision with my ex-husband over 15 years ago. He was a drunk, on drugs, stealing money from me and he was violent. My son loved his father dearly. We haven't seen his father (my ex) for a very long time. I left that marriage a very young, vulnerable, broken, scared young lady with $30 to my name and my precious baby in my arms. Now that my son is old enough to understand why I left his father, he thanked me for having the strength and courage to walk away from that marriage with little I had. He's a well-adjusted, young man now with a bright future. But at that time, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Doing the right thing is never easy.

Good luck and I understand your predicament. I wish nothing but good things and peace of mind for you and your daughter.

Last edited by Fabat40; 02-21-2006 at 09:53 PM.

Old 02-22-2006, 04:39 AM   #4
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Re: Father in and out

Thankyou so much for your replies, I know now that i have at least another year of upheaval with her, and inevitably she is gonna get hurt, its just trying to work out which one is less damaging long term
I really hate men like him!!!
Shee finally received a letter yesterday, and would you beleve after all the fuss over the weekend she wasn't bothered, she read it and said oh okay, and hasn't asked to write back, and not mentioned it since
Although I am sure thats a good thing
Again thanx

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