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Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

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Old 02-27-2006, 06:44 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2004
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littlegal HB User
Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

I am a step-mother of a wonderful 9 year old daughter. I believe we have a close relationship and I wish for it to stay that way. I have never lied to her or tried to upset her in any way. If there is any disappointments in our home -we talk about it. Her bio-mother on the other hand is a compulsive liar. She lies to her daughter and us about everything. She has made promises to her daughter to do things or go somewhere special and than the plan is not followed through. Her birthday was over 4 months ago and the mom is still promising to have her a birthday party. My concern is - why does the daughter not feel any anger toward her. When I'm alone - I feel for her , I hurt for her and I cry for her - but the daughter shows no pain. Her mother could buy her the simplest thing like an eraser for school and the daughter thinks it's the best thing in the world. I know she loves her mother very much but if I did what she did - would the daughter still appreciate me. There is a line between step-mother and bio-mother but I don't understand why she comes out smelling like roses!!! Please explain before I lose my mind!!

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Old 02-27-2006, 08:39 AM   #2
Betty Bee
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Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

i know it's a terrible situation to go through. it must be very painful having to sit back and watch your step daughter want more from her mother. the bottom line is that her mother is "her mother". there is no greater bond than that. your step daughter just wants the love and affection of her own mother, so i'm sure anything that her mother offers her, (like an eraser) is like gold. i grew up in a household where i didn't get much attention from my father. when he did give me attention, i sucked it up! only to find disapppointment because he wasn't consistant with his love and affection. you have to understand that kids want to be loved and accepted...if she's only getting a little bit of that from her mother, a little bit may seem like EVERYTHING to her. try to understand. the only thing you can do is continue to love that little girl, and be there for her. step parents always get the raw end of the deal. we (step parents) are there for them in time of need but don't get to be number one in their lives. step children's number one is their parents, even if they aren't the most supportive, loving, attentive parents. it's very frustrating because you care so much, but hang in there....good luck.

Old 02-27-2006, 10:35 AM   #3
Angela M
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Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

Right now she is only 9 and desperately wants her mother's attention and love. She may start to feel different towards her biomom as she gets older and come to realize what kind of person she is. My suggestion is to keep being the wonderful stepmom you are. I am sure she appreciates your consistency and will have trust in you when it really matters.

Old 02-27-2006, 05:41 PM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2004
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hayley0610 HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

Hey I kind of know the feeling but offer not much in the way of help my dh exwife whom i dispise not because they were married but because of the way she raised their child. We won custody of him when he was 9 and he is 14 now. we had to go through so many battles and he thought his mom was the most wonderful thing yet i couldnt imagine why. Was it the smoking around him? mult. bf's, being broke,living and sleeping with eevry job blow,her drug use?? most of which was all evident to him! he would always be upset when she missed her many wkends to pick him up, or on his bday when she couldnt afford to give us ch support that month with the promise of buying him a nice gift when instead he got a $7 action figure!!! so i know how u feel and how u want to scream out to this child "what the heck do u see in her she is a loser and not good for much...look at us we give u the world and dont expect much in return!" (assumption of course ) All i can say is that when kids get older they do see it for themselves. now my ds isnt as interested in his mom as he use to be and doesnt fight to live their anymore or cry cause she is making him feel guilty. She doesnt try to hide anything from him and I and you prob will never understand what is so "wonderful" about one of their parents!! i wish u luck....

Old 03-02-2006, 10:43 AM   #5
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Bloomington, IN, USA
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kabowman HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

My boys went through this with their dad. He promised them the world but never followed through. Lies for everything, they don't care. Now, at 15 and 12 they can see on their own - the hard part is waiting all those years. My husband was very good about it too and you know it hurts because they don't do anything and lie through their teeth!!!!

It gets better. Actually, my ex called me a week ago and asked that I not take the boys to the doc for a while (one has asthma and allergies, the other ADHD and it is cold season) because when they get back from their vacation to California and Mexico, they aren't going to have enough to pay me (back for their share of expenses). Then, they picked the boys up to take them out to eat.

But, they actually see through most of it...when they really need or want something, who do they come to? Me and my husband...they will learn and know who they can actually depend on.


Old 03-06-2006, 05:43 AM   #6
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littlegal HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

Thank you all so much for the response. I do believe that the daughter will know who to depend on but it's trying to deal with it now - in the present that is hurting me. Thanks

Old 03-08-2006, 12:35 AM   #7
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angelique5 HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

Before i read the other responses...

I'm just going to be blunt, because, i completely relate to you... I'm just farther down the road than you stepson is going to be 18 this year...I've had him 90% of his life since he was 2 yrs old...his mother has been a total flop, used him for welfare over the years, thousands of broken promises, etc.

I remember thinking, that when my stepson was 12, or 13 or 14, he'd get it all, and he'd be mad at her, and there would be fights and harsh words, etc. I had it all wrong!!! He wanted sooo badly to love his mommy...he gave her chance after chance after chance to redeem herself...but he just got hurt over and over. But for years, he spoke as if she could do no wrong. Come 12, 13, 14 yrs old, he DIDN'T get mad at her... he had internallized it~ he hated himself. He was failing in school...hanging with rotten kids... and the day I found him smoking marijuana, my husband and I made some major changes in how we did things... he needed to be saved!! He's turned it around now at 17...and NOW he's mad at mom....but we don't have to be involved anymore, he's old enough to deal with her how he see's fit.

Parenting is a selfless act...and a thankless one... and stepparenting is even more thankless!!! We see things very black and white... we understand the truth of the matter, etc.... to the children, everything is grey...a huge blur. She WANTS to love her mother. This is a normal, biological instinct. We can't knock the kids for that!! Never knock her down for loving her mother. Never let her speak disrespectfully of her mother. You have to love her because SOMEONE needs to do have to be stable for her because SOMEONE needs to do it...and her mother is not. It won't be easy, but she will love you and respect you for it years from now, when she sees black and white.

Old 03-09-2006, 09:08 AM   #8
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

My cousin was without his mother by the age of 2. His dad raised him, and he did eventually get a great stepmom. As he got older, and became successful in his life (early twenties) his mom came back into the picture. Everyone in the family was kind of mad because they all helped raise him and she was an awful mom to him, but he let her into his life. Everyone felt that she wanted to take credit for the wonderful man he grew up to be,which was NOT the result of anything she did. He is in his thirties now, and his mom is still around, but they have this awkward relationship, and I think he "gets it" now. Point blank, He wanted to know his mom because she made him. Though she was a horrible mom and a total flake, that was his right, and as he got older, I think he saw things for what they were. At least he isn't struggling with anger in his life, or uncertainty. He is happy and loved and knows who his mom is, even if she was no saint.

Old 03-15-2006, 10:54 AM   #9
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layla= HB User
Re: Why does the biomom come out smelling like roses!!

my dd is 6 and her biodad is in and out of her life, broken promises not seen her for over a a year, then a note gets dropped thru the door and her dad is the best thing on the planet, i understand the hurt, me and my dh feel it constantly, but as someone said b4 parenting is a selfless act and as you said yourself she will know who to depend on in the future, if you make sure she gets everything she needs from you as a mother then you know as much as biomum is there and is crap at her job, you are there also and wonderful at your job so your child doesnt lose in the long run....
I hate the fact that absent parents really fail to see how much they hurt their children!!!
but it makes us the most loving, so keep up all the hard work, and well done for being there

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