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I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

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Old 04-06-2006, 09:26 AM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 31
blindsided HB User
I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

Maybe someone here has gone through this and can give advice on what I should do. A little background. My daughter is 24 and still lives at home because she is trying to get her career started and doesn't make enough to move out. She is hair colorist at a high end salon and has had to go through an apprenticeship before she could have her own chair. She will be getting her own chair at the end of the month and then will have to work to build up her customer book before she starts making really good money.

The problem:
In the meantime, while working hard to get her career started, she has gotten involved with a guy who is no good for her. He is 24 also, has no job, no car and asks her for money all the time. I am worried that she will get trapped in a relationship that will only bring her anger and agrievation if it continues. We have had many fights lately because she insists on seeing him and won't listen to reason from and friends included. All of her friends think that he is just using her and they want her to dump him as well.

I don't know what to do. I am so angry because she is so close to getting her own life started and I think this relationship will only set her back. Has anyone ever gone through this and has some advice?

She was always a responsible child and has pretty much made good choices up until this point. She never acted out as a teenager, so I am wondering if this what she is doing now. If it is I am just worried that she will make a mistake that will take her a long time to correct.

My question is, should I just let this play itself out or should I continue to try to get through to her? Any advice would be appreciated.

Last edited by blindsided; 04-06-2006 at 09:32 AM. Reason: missed word

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Old 04-06-2006, 03:46 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

Hi I am a little bit behind you having 2 daughters who are 14 & 17. My 14 year old had a BF that she recently broke things off with who we didn't like either.

My advice is to take a GIANT step back and try to avoid saying anything negative about this guy. I say this coming from both sides of the fence. When I was about your daughter's age I was engaged to marry a guy who was emotionally abusive. The more my family/friends told me he was no good for me the more I stayed with him making up all kinds of excuses. At one point he had alienated me from all my family and friends. It wasn't until my family/friends kept quiet and accepted the situation that I was able to see things for myself. So from that perspective I say as hard as it will be keep your opinions to yourself.

You say that your daughter is responsible and pretty much makes good choices in her advice is to focus your energies on that and praise your daughter for all that she has done to build up her career and how proud you are of her. Channel your energies into praising her and bringing up how lucky you are to have such a responsible and ambitious daughter.

It was when I was able to take a step back that my 14 year old broke up with her BF. My rule of thumb is when a parent says "NO.....they will GO!!"
Try to remember that.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who cares about her so much. It is obvious that you have done a great job with is the time for you to trust and let go. Most girls her age are pretty much on their own and are learning by their own mistakes. It's so important that you allow your daughter the opportunity to do so as well even if she is living at home.

Good Luck ~ Goody

Old 04-13-2006, 09:04 AM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 31
blindsided HB User
Re: I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

Thank you so much for your reply, it is extremely insightful. I am taking a hands off approach now and kind of waiting to see what happens. I am hoping that her better judgement kicks in and helps her see the light.

Your post brings to mind another question, it was established during the fight that if she wanted to see this guy and stay over night with him she had to do it somewhere else because I didn't want it right under my nose. She has complied and I haven't said a word about him since. My question is, should I allow her to bring him around or stick to my guns and let her play out this relationship on her own without me having to witness it? Any advice you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

Old 04-13-2006, 03:30 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 49
kathya HB User
Re: I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

Stick to your guns - do not let him stay at your house even for one night. He will permanently move in while you are not looking, and you will never get rid of him. Let her continue to be inconvenienced to have to see him - she might realize things about him faster this way.

Old 04-14-2006, 10:41 AM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 11
DPFan4Ever HB User
Re: I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

Some good points in this thread.

Sometimes the best lesson you can teach your children is no lesson at all; they'll learn the lesson themselves.

Good points, everybody!

Old 04-18-2006, 09:05 AM   #6
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 31
blindsided HB User
Re: I Don't Like My Daughter's Boyfriend

I would like to thank everyone for their posts...they are very helpful.

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