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Old 05-06-2006, 12:16 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 50
Bonnie1 HB User
Need advice

Hi, I am 24 year old who has been married to a wonderful man for over 3 years now. My hubby was previously married and has a son by his ex wife. His son is now 4. To cut a really long story short his ex wife has 5 children by 5 different men and 2 years ago she had them all taken off her due to severe neglect, 3 of the kids went to her mother, the eldest girl went to live with her father and my hubby's son was placed in foster care as his ex-wife cuased a huge to-do about Dave (my hubby) having his son full time. In order to get custody we had to fight her through the courts which has taken 2 years. In March this year we were granted full custody of his son.

I am finding it difficult, I adore my step son to bits, but I am only 24, I had a very promising career on the go (which I have now had to leave-as one of the conditions laid down by the courts as step son needs someone at home due to his emotional state from being taken off his mother and then being put into foster care etc) and I also suffer badly from Epilepsy and a rare illness called IIH which means I am classed as disabled and I cannot do anything alone.

My stepson, has real issues due to his life and he will run away from me or he will go off with strangers, I am having a really hard time building up the attachment with him in order to keep him safe, I know he loves me and I love him, but he is so used to going with strangers and not staying in the same place that he doesn't understand.
The other problem we are experiencing is the fact that Dave's ex has now got a new bloke who has been investigated for peodophilia (never convicted-just investigated), and step son really doesn't like him. The ex was supposed to see stepson twice a week (Tuesday 4:30-6:30pm, and Saturday 10am-4:30pm) but we have had to stop the Saturday becuase she kept allowing this man to be in her home when step son was there (which she was not supposed to do) and she was also telling Little One that he shouldn't love me or his daddy and he shouldn't do anything we tell him.

It is just all so hard, I guess I feel a little resentful sometimes, I have had to give up my career which I loved, we are now skint (lucky if we have £10 spare per month!) and the ex pays nothing towards her child and I am bringing up her son for her and all she does is cause trouble. I never wanted children ever and I never will have one of my own but now I feel really alone (more so becuase I can't go anywhere unless my hubby or my mum are with me and they both work!).

I aplogise for the moan but does anyone have any advice?

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Old 05-06-2006, 03:38 PM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,031
hayley0610 HB User
Re: Need advice

u arent alone. my dh had a son with his ex and we got custody 5 yrs ago. now she isnt as bad as this mother sounds but she certainly would never win any mothering awards. at first when he came to live with us(he is 14 now) i had a very hard time with it. we have 3 other kids as well so it wasnt the added child it was his personality and the way i resented his mom for how she raised him that made me act out and when i did it was towards the chold. not physically or anything but i was the hardest on him. it hasnt been until this last yr that he has grown on me. i dont see him exactly how i do my others but it def has improved. it really does take time. thats the only advise i can give u. things really do get better and stick to ur guns as far as the ex seeing him as all it will do is put him in jeopardy and confuse him. he is still very young which is unfortunate as he doesnt really understand but unless u can go to jail from a court order if she keep the child away i wouldnt allow him to go over there that often. im very surprised the courts have given her any visits and especially if they have why they are supervised!!!i mean they orderd one of u to stay home so why the heck isnt she ordered to pay support and things like that?!! anyways i know im not much help to u but time will test. good luck.

Old 05-26-2006, 12:11 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 50
Bonnie1 HB User
Re: Need advice

Thank u very much for the advice, I guess I already knew that there is no soloution other than time. I am slowly getting used to it and LO is slowly starting to settle, he is now pushing boundries (I seem to spend alot of the time shouting or giving him time out). He has started to ask questions about why his mummy didn't want her children which has been abit awkward, he doesn't understand enough for me to be able to really tell him and I am unsure about what to tell him, I don't know why she couldn't be bothered to look after him and his brother and sisters, I guess that is something that he will have to ask her as he gets older.

She just makes me so mad, for example, she is on benefits, yet this week her, her mum and dad and 3 of her kids who live with her mum and her and her boyfriend have all gone on holiday for a week, yet she can't, apparently, afford to pay a single penny towards her son. She has never bought him anything, not a single piece of clothing, toy or anything. It makes me sick. I gave up my career and life to look after her son and she can't even help slightly. She saw LO on Tuesday and told him that the family was going on holiday and that he wasn;t coming, consequently he was really distressed and didn;t understand why they didn't want him to go too. She only see's him now for 2 hrs on a Tuesday but even that is too much, but we can't change the contact arrangement anymore without her doing something more substantial that would hold up in court.

Anyway, it is half term now, so I have a full week of entertaining to plan, and all it has done so far is rain all day! Sorry for the moan again, it is good to get it off my chest.

Old 05-29-2006, 08:23 AM   #4
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Shelbyville, TN, 37160
Posts: 138
tamara29 HB User
Re: Need advice

I've never been in your situation, but I was a stepchild. It's interesting to see where you are coming from, because it kind of puts me in my stepdad's shoes. My dad never paid child support, either, and never even had visitation.

I will say this. Children can pick up on the least bit of resentment, and that will make them act out. Even if you try very hard not to show it, chances are he's still feeling and seeing it. My stepdad, for a while, tried very hard not to show any resentment, but I still knew he felt something different toward me and my brother. At five, I didn't know that it was resentment, but I perceived it as he didn't care anything about me. This hurt us in later years as he decided not to try anymore and I took that as another sign that he didn't care. Now, many, many years later, we are close. The birth of my daughter made that happen.

Just remember that as hard as it is on you, it's also hard on him. He's lost his mother, then he went into foster care, and now, he's with you and his dad. I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad at all; I just remember the confusion and everything I felt when my mom and stepdad got married when I was so young.

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