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19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions

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Old 08-18-2006, 11:41 AM   #1
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rose713 HB User
19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions

I know there was a post similar to this a few days ago, but I need some help and really don't know where to turn.
My daughter is getting ready to start her 2nd year of college and for most of the time, she has been an absolute joy to raise. She has been raised in church and has always been very active, serving on several state youth boards, etc. She was also very active in high school and made good grades (not great but good).......she has a wonderful personality and is very much a people person. She started working part time her senior year and has worked all summer.
So........beginning in her senior year of high school, it seems she has made a string of bad decisions and I am afraid she is beginning a downward spiral and I am so worried about her. I found out recently some things she did while still in high school (not real bad, but certainly not acceptable). For the most part this summer has been smooth and she has respected us with being out late, etc.
I know she has been drinking some and had a pretty severe incident last year while at college that took about 10 years off my life. I know she drinks occasionally.........but swears she learned her lesson from before and is very careful........I still do not agree with her decision. Her grades her first year were far from great.
She just recently got her 3rd speeding ticket in 2 years and I am furious. To make it worse, my husband and I are in total disagreement on what to do. She goes to school 5 hrs from home and I say she does not take her car with her (she did have it last semester), but she is worried how she will get home, etc......I say she needs to have this privilege taken away.......I really don't know what to do anymore, it is like her brain has went on strike or something......My husband and I are fighting because I do not believe he is stern enough with her........
What would you all do ? Take her car away or give her another chance ? I feel like all I do is preach to her and it is making me seem like a witch......and I don't like it.........please help !
Thank you

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Old 08-18-2006, 12:16 PM   #2
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Re: 19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions

Is the car in her name or yours? If it is in her name you cannot legally take it away.

We gave our kids 4 years to finish college and if they did not, they were on their own to pay their college expense. If they married while in college, we would not support a spouse.

You and your husband need to get on the same page and be united.

Your daughter is trying her wings and one day will take a big tumble, but, you cannot always be there to pick her up. She is an adult and must learn to accept responsibility for herself.

Old 08-18-2006, 01:12 PM   #3
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Re: 19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions

I don't have a teenage daughter but I can speak from personal experience, if you suspect she is drinking and driving you should not let her have the car at school. Ask your husband which is worse, her being upset at her not having a car or getting a phone call saying she was killed or worse, killed someone else. If you don't think she's drinking and driving, you need to be consistent and weigh the options and facts. If you genuinely feel she has been acting irresponsible you should be consistent with the punishment, knowing that it will cause strain in your marriage. Or are you just angry right now and want to punish her? I don't know. Thank god my daughter is only 5 and I don't have to deal with these issues yet. I wish you lots of luck. It's not easy juggling being both a parent and a wife.

Old 08-18-2006, 07:32 PM   #4
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Re: 19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions


Your daughter will settle down.She's just sowing her oats . I went through this with my daughter.They get away from mom and dad and they forget the values that they were taught.This is a natural process of growing.My daughter is 20 and a completly different girl from a year ago.
If she's drinking and driving,that is a cause for concern and she should not have the car.Keep talking to her,they listen even though they act like they don't hear you.She remembers the values that you as parents have taught her.As far as the speeding tickets,does she pay the fines or the increase in car insurance?My daughter is now responsible for her own insurance and car payment,after her accidents and tickets, we told our daughter driving is a privelage not a give me.Boy has her attitude changed no tickets or accidents.When she found out the cost it hit home for her.
My hubby didn't agree with me at first,but now realizes it was the best thing for her.Responsibilty is always a plus.
Your daughter will come around,this college thing was all new to her.

Old 08-21-2006, 07:22 AM   #5
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Re: 19 year old daughter and string of bad decisions

Drinking and driving is never good. But you did not say that this is what she had done or is doing. It seems to me like your concern is that she got 3 speeding tickets in 2 years. To me that's not a big deal. she has a lead foot. I've never gotten a speeding ticket (now I'm doomed to get one) But my sister in law gets them all the time. And besides her lead foot she is a total goodie goodie. I wouldn't stress out too much about it.

And having gone to college, I will say that most kids there are going to drink. It's party of the social scene. New found freedom, meeting tons of new cool people, and going to happens in college. If it really bothers you, maybe give her a last chance. That way she knows what will happen. One more ticket=no more car. See if she can handle that responsibility knowing the consequences. She may surprise you.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

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