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New stepmum-having problems

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Old 08-20-2006, 04:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 50
Bonnie1 HB User
New stepmum-having problems

Hi, I am looking for advice or any type of help possible. I am 24 and I have been married to my hubby for just over 3 years now. Until the end of March this year we had always had his son from his forst marriage over to visit with us every Friday through to Sunday evening and every Wednesday for tea. We have always paid maintenance and much more besides that. I found I enjoyed having my stepson for those times and we did many activities together that were fun and it was all really enjoyable.
Anyway, 18 months ago my hubbys ex had all her children taken off her (she has 5 by 5 different fathers) and my hubby's son was the only child to go into foster care. This was becuase Social Services did not beleive that I could care for a child as I have 2 illnesses which means I am classed as disabled, however I had been to university and at that point had been in a full time job as a benefits officer for 4 years. In my long term plan I wanted a good career and never wanted children, I still don't.

To cut a long story short, in March this year after a real battle my hubby was awarded custody of his son, but only on the provision that I gave up my job, as (in Social Services words) "It is up to you Kate as the woman to be at home and care for him". So that is what I had to do. I gave up all my dreams, not to mention my income to look after an emotionally disturbed little 4 year old.

I want to do the best possible job, but I just don;t know what to do. Nothing come naturally, I find I am easily irritated all of the time, I feel worthless and useless. I just don;t have a clue. We are so skint that at times we cannot afford to buy milk if we run out. I am not able to do things like go out for a walk becuase of my disabilities, and I find I am just stuck at home day in day out. I guess I also feel resentful becuase I used to be known for my skills in my job, my IQ and I really prided myself on that. I feel as though my life has been sacrificed for a child which is not even mine. It was not even my choice. When I was told that we could only have custody if I gave up work I could hardly say no could I? The alternative would have been for the child to be adopted and I couldn't do that to my hubby.

I do love the little one, but I never wanted kids and I just don't know how to deal with him, I don't know what to do with him. I can do all the prcticle things, you know feeding, washing etc but I seem to spend alot of my time shouting, which I hate. He takes 1 1/2 hours to eat a sandwich which just annoys me.

I must osund like the most horrid person in the world, honestly I am not. I am just confused and I don't know what to do. Can anyone offer any advice?

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Old 08-21-2006, 12:34 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 250
ronniesteers HB User
Re: New stepmum-having problems

Hi there. I am very sorry for your situation. I'm sure you care for your stepson but that is a lot to sacrifice for even your own biological child. Why would Social Services make that you not working a condition of him living with you. Can you somehow appeal or argue with them that you need two incomes to support the family? I have a stepdaughter too and it is a lot easier to love them when they are just "visitors". Can you see a lawyer or get legal aid to step in here and get that "You must stay home" rule ousted. Is there a reason - does he have a disability (I know he has emotional difficulty from what you say) that you must stay home? As for yourself, do you have emotional support? Can you find an income based counselor. You need some time for yourself and I'd think about how I'd like my life I want in the future. Let me know how it goes.

Old 08-30-2006, 06:38 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Moncton
Posts: 18
honey_05 HB User
Re: New stepmum-having problems

Well I must agree that you should appeal your case that they are making you stay home. First I too am a step-mother of 3 and we also have a 17m daughter together. It can sometimes can crazy at times. My problem is with the mother she is very jelous especially since we had a baby. She does everything that she can to make the kids think that we dont love them and we only love the baby. So the start of the weekends we spent them trying to make the kids stop crying and not hat me and the baby.

What I started doing maybee you can try is we enrolled in different activities we can do together that they enjoy. Even if it is something like going together to collect rocks or flowers just something that you and him can spend time together away from problems. Even going to the park or arts/crafts. And also just take it one step at a time becoming an instant mom can be very overwellming especially in a situation like that.
I dont know if this will help but hang in there and take time for yourstelf. Keep in touch

Old 09-05-2006, 09:01 AM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 50
Bonnie1 HB User
Re: New stepmum-having problems

Thankyou both very much, I think I was having a 'difficult' day when I wrote that thread. I feel calmer today about things and he has also started school today which has actually made me bond with him alot more. I felt very proud of him when he was dressed in his uniform and when I took him up to school he was very nervous and I comforted him and he happily went in and had a really good morning. He was so excited to see us when he came out that he couldn't get his words out fast enough and I felt privalidged to have been a part of one of the biggest milestones in his life.

I was sad though that his mum didn;t show up, I had told her where and what time and had said to her that it might be nice for him and her if she could come but she didn't want to. None of his mothers side of the family did, in fact when I saw his nan earlier Domi said to her that he had had his uniform on and she asked me why I had let him mess around in his school clothes (baring in mind none of that side of his family have spent any money on him at all, so if I wanted to let him wear his uniform it would be up to me becuase I paid for it, not that I would), to which I had to inform her it had been becuase it was his forst day at school. Her answer was "Oh yeah, I remember you saying something about that last week".

He is now asking when he will be going to big school, I guess he has 'done' primary school and he is now bored with that. He did tell his teacher that she was bossy and he didn;t like bossy people! She came out afterwards and said that he needs a firm hand as he doesn't listen. Hmmmm....I can see us being up at that school quite alot!

Anyway, I have gone on abit and I am sorry to have bored you, guess I too am a little excited by the days events!

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