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Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

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Old 10-26-2006, 07:28 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2006
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aem2009 HB User
Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

I've been with my girlfriend Marni for 5 months now. Lately she keeps talking about wanting to have a baby. We're not married, yet, but plan to get married probably next year. I know her father would dissaprove of her getting pregnant out of wedlock. I've questioned Marni whether or not she really wants to have a baby, if she's prepared for the responsibility, etc? I have 8kids from previous marriages, relationships, ranging in age from 32 to 3, so I know about raising kids. I feel too old to be raising kids again. My friends tell me I am nuts if dont want to make babies with her! Marni and I do have a large age gap, which I do believe could be a problem. Also, my health hasnt been real great for the past 8 years I've had high blood pressure, 4 years with diabetes, I have prostate problems, high cholesterol, and I battle kidney stones more than often. I take a lot of pills every morning & just dont think I'm ready to start a family again. Marni & I talked about childbirth being painful, so I told her its like the times when I've had a kidney stone. Since they say passing a kidney stone for a man is closest he'll come to childbirth. This might sound strange, but I'm sure others do it as well, is that I everytime I pass a stone, I get the passing of it on tape. The last stone I had about a month ago, Marni ran the camera while I stood over the pot & passed the stone!

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Old 10-26-2006, 08:21 AM   #2
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galinaqt HB User
Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

Woman wants to have a kid of her own and I totally understand her. Some woman is fine to help husband to raise stepkids, but for me it won't be. Childbirth is painful, I have very little pain tolerance but I survived it and I wish I have another one but probably it is not met to be.
May be you guys shouldn't get married if you don't want more kids and she wants one.
I was struggling a lot with my dh about having kid. He didn't have any other kids but he was also scared about taking care of him/her and he was significantly older than me and had some health issues.

Old 11-07-2006, 02:55 PM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2006
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alleycat2 HB User
Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

Ok I find it crazy that you two have only been together 5 months and plan to get married but didn't talk about kids until now. I think that should have been discussed right away with the marriage talk. However not every relationship same. Plus in my case my husband and I talked about having 2 kids and now he is backing out. I think it's unfair to be honest. Yes you have kids but not with her. If she wants them and you don't and nethier one of you is willing to budge than you need to decide if continuing this relationship is a possibility. In my case we finally had a baby and I want another one but he don't. Right now he won't budge but I love him so I have, but I still hold out hope he will change his mind. In your case you are saying none at all and that needs to be addressed before the marriage. The way i see it is you tow have 3 options...breakup, compromise or give her a child but make sure she understands because of your health and the fact that you don't want kids, that she might be raising the baby alone.

Old 11-07-2006, 11:39 PM   #4
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Sherbet HB User
Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

5 months is not a long time to be dating before entertaining the idea of bringing a child into the world. If you don't think its a good idea then don't do it. Think of the child being borne into a family that has unstable foundations. I'm not sure what happened with your previous relationships for you to leave but perhaps you need to assess what your intentions are with this young woman. Is it your intention to get married and spend the rest of your life together. Will having a child be the next logical step for you both? Can you earn enough to pay child support for your existing eight children plus a ninth child.

Old 11-17-2006, 11:30 PM   #5
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barton93 HB User
Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

I agree with the others. You guys seem like you are on different pages. You have already fathered 8 children and are content with the 8 children you have. She on the otherhand is young.........and children of her own obviously are part of her future plans. This is something that you 2 need to hash out. If she isn't willing to accept that children are not a part of her future and you aren't willing to father anymore children, then really..........the fair thing to do would be to end the relationship right where it is so that you can continue on with your life and so that she can start her journey into parenthood.

Old 11-18-2006, 03:11 PM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

I'm afraid I have to agree with the others - five months is not a very long time and is most likely too soon to begin considering marriage. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, but the first impression I got from reading your post was that your girlfriend is getting a little desperate for a baby and is just looking for someone to be the father. I'm not at all suggesting this is the case, but this is the impression I got.

Children can be a real dealbreaker in a relationship. If you submit to her, you may end up resentful and unhappy. If she gives in to your wishes, she may feel resentful and unhappy toward you. It's a lose-lose situation - if you are confortable with the number of children you have, no one has the right to tell you that you should be having more. If you stay with this woman and refuse to have children with her, there's going to be a lot of negative feelings coming from her, and you may also leave the window open to her for deception (sabotaging protection to have your child without your permission, or cheating) by denying her kids.

You need to sit down and really ask yourself what it is you want out of your relationship, and how you will handle the kids issue. If you know for sure you will not change your mind, it may sadly be best to allow her to go her own way to find someone who wants kids and will give them to her. If you stay with her and deny her what she wants, the marriage probably will never be truly happy. You need to decide what is more important - having this particular woman for a wife, or her feelings.

I know I sound harsh, but I am going through similar things myself. I'm childfree with a fencesitter boyfriend who I want to marry...but I can't bring myself to say "I do" if I know he's going to want a child for sure one day. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I realize it's difficult. I hope I did not sound too mean in what I said above.

Old 01-04-2007, 09:31 PM   #7
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mommaoftwinsplus1 HB Usermommaoftwinsplus1 HB User
Re: Girlfriend wants baby, but I dont think its a good idea!

well it's not a great idea to plan a baby with a "girlfriend"....children do better with a stable mother and father. Be married first. Not too mention your other 8 children...being minors or not...need your time and nuturing. You should not even be involved in a "relationship" until all your minor children are raised! Your children should come first...not your love life! (Yes...I am a Dr. Laura listener) No apologies for that!


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